by Katie Ashley
Both regret and disgust filled me that I’d done something like her. Would that always happen though? Would he always compare things I did with his ex-wife? Can I deal with that? “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay.”
“I . . . um, can I use the bathroom?”
“Sure. It’s through there,” he said, pointing toward the en-suite bathroom that I hadn’t noticed before then.
I hopped up hoping he didn’t pick up on my . . . well, what did I feel? My heart ached because getting back with Declan seemed fraught with obstacles and challenges.
Even though Papa was an old-fashioned man in so many respects, it was these confusing moments when I often talked to him. He had that older-person wise discernment that was rarely affected by emotion. I missed him. Terribly. An avid reader, he often communicated with quotes from people he respected. Two came to mind as well as when he said them to me. Both times had been when I’d felt confused or unsure of a decision. Even vet school. Robert Frost had written, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Life goes on. Even in death.
What would he recommend here? I do want the man, Declan St. James. That’s an easy truth. His son? Too adorable to not want. But the baggage they came with, the history made difficult because of another woman? Was I actually strong enough to take that on? As well as all the changes I was currently going through? “Paybug, remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, because you are just as strong as she was. ‘In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.’ Make wise choices, Paybug, and never blame someone else for how those choices turn out.”
Did that mean I had to look beyond the challenges toward a future with Declan and Cam? To understand and appreciate what things had shaped their lives, how moving away had shaped my life, and together make choices for us? I didn’t have the answer, but I did want to comfort a man who had been dealt an extremely shitty hand.
So, I left the bathroom, and returned to the man who needed me. Not sex. Me.
He gave me a reassuring kiss. “You want to make me feel better?”
“More than anything.”
“Just hold me.”
My brows shot up in surprise. When we were together, Declan had never been one for cuddling. “Really?” When he nodded, I replied, “Yeah, of course.” We rose off the edge of the bed and walked around the side. I climbed up first and slid over to the middle of the bed. Once I was on my back, Declan’s weight bore down on the mattress. He spread out on his stomach before curling up next to me in the crook of my arm. After lying his head on my chest, I wrapped my arms around his back.
I didn’t bother asking him how it felt. His contented sigh as the tension unfurled from his body told me everything I needed to know. It wasn’t just good for him—I loved the feeling of him so close to me.
It didn’t take long for my eyelids to grow droopy and for sleep to come. I don’t know how long I was out. As I started coming into consciousness, I realized someone was rubbing my cheek. Fluttering my eyelids, I tried taking in my surroundings. My gaze focused on a pair of deep blue eyes. But it wasn’t Declan staring back at me in the dim light—it was Cam.
Shit. We were so busted. “Cam? What’s the matter?”
“I need to snuggle,” he stated, his voice wavering.
“Um, are you supposed to get in bed with your daddy?” I whispered.
Cam’s chin trembled. “Pwease.”
I figured that was a no since he’d turned on the epic pitifulness. Glancing over my shoulder, Declan still slept like the dead, and I hated to wake him up. I was going to have to make an executive decision. “Okay. Just this once.”
Holding my arms out, Cam dove into them. With the high bed frame, I wondered how in the hell he’d managed to get up here. I peered over the side to see where Cam had brought what appeared to be his bathroom stool. The little guy had been on a mission.
For the second time tonight, I’d snuggled one of the St. James men to my chest. As I rubbed circles across Cam’s back, I whispered, “Did you have another nightmare?”
“No. I just woke up sad.”
God, he was breaking my heart. “You don’t have to be sad. Daddy’s here. And, well, so am I.” Even though I wasn’t really supposed to be.
“Are you going to be my mommy now, Doc?”
My hand froze midway across his back. “Uh, no sweetheart.”
“Why not?”
“Well, you already have a mommy.”
“But she never comes to see me.”
Because she’s a selfish, heartless bitch. “Well, that doesn’t mean she isn’t your mommy.” Part of me wanted to lie and say she loved him very much and wanted to see him. I didn’t know what it could possibly hurt to reassure him that she did care in spite of her apathy. At the same time, I felt it was somehow disrespectful to Declan’s plight.
“But I want a better mommy.” He patted my shoulder. “You’d be a good mommy.”
Oh God. Had he actually just said that? In that moment, the room started closing in on me, and I struggled to breath. I’d never expected such a vote of confidence from him. “I don’t know about that,” I choked out.
“You took good care of Moose, so you’d take good care of me.”
His simplistic reasoning sent an ache through my chest. “We’ll have to think about that, okay?”
He nodded. “I’ll tell Daddy. He usually gets me what I want.”
Hmm, usually it’s your daddy getting what he wants. “I don’t know about this time.”
Yawning, Cam said, “Grandma says I’m too cute for my own good.”
I laughed. “I think she’s right.” After squeezing him tight, I said, “Now go back to sleep, Mr. Cutie.”
“Okay, Doc.”
As we lay there in the silence, I continued rubbing Cam’s back. When his breathing became labored, I knew he’d fallen back to sleep. I turned my head on the pillow to check on Declan. To my surprise, I found he was staring at me. I threw him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Letting Cam in the bed.”
He smiled. “I always let him, too.”
I exhaled a relieved breath. “Good.” When he continued staring intently at me, I asked, “How much did you hear?”
“Everything.”
“Oh.”
He scooted over to where we were touching again. The look in his eyes told me there was so much he wanted to say but couldn’t. Instead, he covered my mouth with his. He poured out all of emotion into that kiss. When he pulled away, I was breathless not from passion, but from the depth of what he was feeling. He then lay his head down next to mine.
With Cam on my left side and Declan on my right, I fell back into a contented sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
When I woke up the next morning, both Declan and Cam were gone from the bed. As I stretched my arms over my head, I winced. My body felt like it had been through a marathon the night before. While it had gone through the emotional wringer, I’d slept in crazy angles, and my muscles were telling me about it.
As I rolled over on the mattress, an ache pressed in on my chest. It was one of loneliness and despair. I knew it wasn’t just because of waking up alone or what I’d experienced with the St. James men last night. It had been building all week as I grew closer to a particular date on the calendar.
Papa’s birthday.
Last year, we’d celebrated at his lodge in Helen. There had been catered in BBQ while my mom had baked one of her legendary cakes. We’d sat outside on the porch, talking, eating, and watching the river stream by.
After using the bathroom, I swigged some mouthwash and tried to tame my out of control bedhead. Once I was somewhat presentable, I padded down the stairs. I found Declan in the kitchen with his head buried in his laptop while nursing a cup of coffee.
“Good morning,” I said.
He jerked h
is gaze up to mine. With a smile, he replied, “Good morning.”
Glancing around the kitchen, I asked, “Where’s Cam?”
“Bailey’s dad came to get him earlier this morning to go fishing. It’s their Saturday morning thing.”
“Oh, he sees her parents?”
“Just her dad. Her mom stays high most of the time,” Declan replied, his face clouding over.”
“I see.” Leaning in on the counter, I decided a subject change was imperative. “Cam must get his love of fishing from your dad. I remember how much he loved to fish.”
Declan grunted. “Tell me about it. Every Saturday morning when I was a kid he wanted to drag me out at the crack of dawn to go down to the lake.”
“Hey, we had some good times fishing and water skiing on his boat when we were teenagers.”
“Yeah, in the afternoons.”
“Still not a morning person, huh?”
“Nope. I’m still a bear until about eight in the morning.”
“I’ll have to remember that.”
With a smile, Declan rose off his stool to come over to me. After wrapping me in his arms, he kissed me. Pulling away, he said, “It sure was nice waking up to you this morning.”
“I’m glad.”
Declan furrowed his brows at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. I can see it in your eyes.” His hand came to cup my cheek. “You’re not having regrets after last night, are you?”
“God no.”
He exhaled a relieved breath. “Thank goodness.”
Leaning in to his hand, I replied, “It’s nothing about you.”
“But it is something. I can tell.”
A part of me didn’t want to tell Declan about Papa’s birthday. It was the part of me who often retreated from people during times of grief and depression. “Today is Papa’s birthday.”
Declan’s expression saddened. “Oh Pey, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. It’s the first birthday without him. It has to be agonizing.”
I did love how much he got me. Most men would have been clueless of my pain, least of all acknowledge it to the level he did. I know it helped that he knew Papa. “You’re right. It is pure agony.”
“What can I do?”
“It’s sweet of you to offer, but really there’s nothing.” And that was true. Grief was so very isolating.
“What about some breakfast? I can try cooking for you again,” he suggested with a smile.
I laughed. “While tempting, I think I’m okay. I’m just going to go home and have a quiet day by myself.”
Declan shook his head. “You don’t need to be alone.”
“It’s fine really.”
“No, it’s not.” When I started to protest again, Declan said, “Why don’t we do something to honor Harris?”
I scrunched my brows at him. “What do you mean?”
“We could take some flowers to the cemetery. I mean, I know you’ve never been a fan of spending money on flowers, but I do remember Harris always had fresh flowers in his office.”
My heart melted at the suggestion. “That would be lovely.”
“Then we could do something he loved and go horseback riding.”
Tears pricked my eyes. If there was one thing Papa loved, it was horses. In spite of his age, he still rode once a month. His will had stipulated his horse be donated to an equine therapy for kids.
For a moment, it was hard for me to speak. “I can’t imagine anything more wonderful.”
“Good. It’s settled. You go home and get a shower. I’ll come by and get you around noon.”
After kissing Declan appreciatively, I replied, “Okay. I’ll see you then.”
I walked across the cemetery with an armload of wildflowers, Papa’s favorite. Declan had picked me up promptly at noon and driven me straight to the florist. He’d insisted on purchasing the flowers. He was really going above and beyond, and I loved him for it.
I was starting to think I was in love with him again. While we had started dating again, I wasn’t quite ready to love him again. It wasn’t so much the past continuing to cripple me as it was learning how to feel for the new Declan.
Although I tried holding my emotions in check, the tears began the moment I saw Papa’s headstone. Guilt flooded me that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been out here. After I’d moved back, I’d come every other day. But then as the weeks flew by, I couldn’t seem to find the time. Or maybe it was I didn’t want to find the time.
Happy Birthday, Papa,” I murmured, as I arranged the flowers at the base of the monument. “I wish . . . I wish I’d had more time with you.” God, this was so hard. “I thought I’d give you a quick update on some of the animals at the clinic. I always bring Ollie Parsons’s horse carrots because you always did. Of course the first time, they didn’t want to take them because they weren’t from you. And Mrs. Covington’s parakeet, still cusses like a sailor when she brings him in just like always did for you.” I exhaled a ragged breath. “Most of them are getting used to me, but I know they miss you just like I do. Just like we all do.”
After I righted myself, my emotions overcame me, and my shoulders crumpled with my sobs. Declan immediately wrapped me in his arms, his hand rubbing comforting circles across my back. “Shh, he wouldn’t want you to cry. He loved you so much.”
Pulling away, I swiped my eyes with the backs of my hands. “I shouldn’t have been such a spoiled brat about coming back here.”
“If anyone should feel guilty, it’s me. I’m the reason why you didn’t come home.”
“But you weren’t his granddaughter. And I should have swallowed my pride and gotten over it. I made it hard on him to see me.”
“He understood your reasons, and I don’t think he ever went without seeing you.”
“I’m sure it hurt him when I didn’t come back here to practice with him.”
“Did he ask you?”
“No.”
Declan shook his head. “Then there was nothing you could do. You made him so very proud by following in his footsteps and then practicing medicine in the big city.”
Deep down, I knew what he was saying was true. It just seemed I would forever be crippled by guilt. Nodding, I extricated myself from him. Without another word, I dug into the bag he’d brought for the cleaning supplies.
With only the sounds of the birds in the background, Declan and I cleaned some of the bird poop off Papa’s monument before washing it off. When we were finished, I stepped back to admire our work. “It looks great.”
“It sure does,” Declan replied. He held out his hand to me. “Come on. Let’s go ride.”
Although reluctant to leave, I knew it was the right thing to do. On the drive over to Robert and Pauline’s, silence echoed around us. I felt too emotionally spent for words, and Declan respected that. Holding my hand in his, he occasionally gave it a squeeze.
When we got to his parents’ barn, Declan had already saddled up two horses for us. Although I’d been an urban dweller for most of the last decade, I still rode horses whenever I left the city. Everything had been so crazy since I’d arrived back in Hayesville, so I hadn’t had the chance to saddle up again.
After I climbed on the brown filly, I took the reins in my hands. “Where to, Trail Master?” I asked Declan.
He grinned. “Are you really doing to allow me to lead?”
He was right. He always teased me about reining me in from taking control of the ride. But that was a long time ago, and the familiar trails were foreign to me now. “I’m officially in the rear today and leaving you in charge.”
“I promise you’re in good hands.”
“I’m sure I am.”
Declan took us along all the familiar pathways from my youth. We crossed over his property into several other owners. I would’ve gotten lost many times had it not been for him. We’d been riding about thirty minutes when we came to
a small cabin. At the sight of it, my heart began beating out of my chest.
It was Papa’s hunting cabin where I’d lost my virginity to Declan. My gaze snapped from the cabin to Declan. “Did you—”
“Yes, I meant to bring you here.” He slid off his horse and came around to mine. “Come inside.”
“But it’s locked up.” In Papa’s will, the hunting cabin had been left to my brother because he was an avid hunter. Considering it was hunting season, I was surprised not to find him here.
“I called Quinton and got the key.”
“You did?”
Nodding, Declan held his arms out to help me off the horse. I hopped down and into his embrace. “I can’t believe you planned this.”
“I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”
As I made my way up the path with Declan, my heart began thrumming wildly. When we got inside, I gasped. Rose petals littered the floor, and there were fresh flowers in vases on the table.
I whirled around to look at Declan. “You came out here and decorated this?”
He nodded. “I thought you needed something to take your mind of things while reliving something positive form the past.”
My brows shot up in surprise. “You brought me here to have sex and not reminiscence our early days?”
“I was shooting more for making love, but you can call it what you want,” he replied with a smile.
“What about waiting?”
“I think after last night, we’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”
He was right. Being with him and Cam last night had deepened taken our relationship to a whole new level in my eyes. “Yes, I do.”
“And this isn’t about just getting your mind off the importance of today.”
“I know.” Crooking my finger, I beckoned him closer. “Now make love to me.”
He smiled and being the wonderful man he was, he came right up to me. “Pey, there has never been anyone else inside my heart or my soul. That’s why I brought you here. I want us. I’m offering myself to you.” I smiled, because how could I not? The man was more thoughtful and incredible than I could have ever imagined or hoped for.
