by D Gourlay
“I was just about to bring this up. You should be resting.”
“I’m fine honestly, and I really can’t do another day in bed.” She smiles again as she picks a piece of toast from the tray and takes a large bite from it. “At least you make good toast.” She teases before picking up her coffee and heading towards the front room. I follow her and we sit, eating and drinking, while she aimlessly flicks through TV channels.
Once we have finished, she collects the mugs and plate on the tray and goes to stand up.
“I’ll do that.” I say as I try to take the tray from her.
“It’s okay, I’m going to put a load in the dishwasher.”
“Rach, you should be resting.” I implore.
“I don’t need to rest, I’m fine.” She calls back to me as she makes her way into the kitchen.
I lean back into the cushions and sigh. She should be resting, she should be trying to deal with this, and already I can see she has put her walls up and is pretending everything is fine instead of being honest. We both know that won’t end well, but I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to push her, but I don’t want her to bury this all away and not grieve.
Rachel
Ican see him staring at me again. I know he is worried, and I know he must also be trying to deal with this in his own way; but I wish he would stop fretting about me. I’m fine. I mean I’m not fine, but what use is crying? It won’t bring our baby back, it won’t magically fix everything.
I’ve got through worse than this over the last couple of years. I’ll do what I do best and just get on with life.
Fuck. If only I could believe my own lies. In reality, every time I catch Tad looking at me, the hurt in his eyes just makes my heart break that little bit more. I’m trying my absolute best to just shut down my emotions for the time being. Occasionally I will forget why I’m sad, just for a moment, and then it hits me. Like a boot to the stomach. Gut wrenching sadness just floods through me and it takes absolutely everything not to break down.
I have to be strong for Tad. That’s all that is keeping me sane right now. Knowing he needs me to be strong for him. This is hard enough for him to process, without having to watch me fall apart too. So I will be fine. I am fine. I am.
“Have you seen my phone?” I ask Tad as he is pottering around the front room.
“Uh, no, not since yesterday. It was upstairs. Want me to have a look?” He smiles at me and I know I’ll get through this. This beautiful man would do anything for me, so I will be okay for him.
I find my phone in the drawer in the bedside table. I haven’t wanted to even look at it since we found out… Because I know what’s coming. When I switch on that phone, I know there will be a message from Celine telling me how happy she is, how her baby is beautiful and healthy, and how it will kill me.
Deep breaths.
I plug my charger in and wait for my phone to come on. A few seconds pass before some notifications pop up. Lots of messages from Celine. My stomach is in knots as I open her messages. The first one sends the most hideous pang of jealously stabbing through me, which immediately makes me hate myself.
Baby all good, kicking like crazy, due on 23rd June, so fucking happy!
And under the message is a black and white scan photo of her baby. Big round head, body curled with its little legs up, and the image is so clear I can even make out perfectly formed, tiny toes.
I feel like there is a burning hot poker rammed into my throat as I desperately try to stop myself from crying. I want to throw my phone way, climb under the covers, and pretend that there is no world outside of my bed.
There are a few messages after the photo checking in on me, and she seems more worried with each text.
She is so happy, her baby is healthy. She gets to be excited, to look forward to meeting this person. The last thing I want to do is tell her, and for her to feel sad for me, to pity me, to feel guilty that her baby is okay and mine is not.
My heart is hammering in my chest as I internally argue with myself that I can’t keep this from her.
Congratulations mummy. Beautiful baby. I unfortunately have some bad news. But please don’t be sad for me. I lost the baby. But I’m okay. Can’t talk about it now as Ami is around, but I promise I’m doing fine now. Tad is looking after me. Just one of those things. Love you lots, don’t be worried about me. Speak to you soon xxx
I stare at those words ‘I’m doing fine’. Fine, the one word that means anything but. I send the message, lay down and let the tears flow, holding my now empty stomach and feeling utterly lost.
♦ ♦ ♦
It’s been eleven days since we lost the baby, and things have been tense. It feels like neither myself or Tad know what to say, so we don’t say much at all. He has been busy with work, and I’ve been busy trying to keep myself occupied. I’ve cleaned the house to within an inch of its life. Rearranged bedrooms, rearranged the kitchen. Anything I can do to keep my mind from being quiet enough to think.
I’ve hardly spoken to Celine either. Again, neither of us know what to say. I don’t remember the last time I felt quite so alone.
But, its two days to Christmas and I’m currently trying to get excited about our trip to Lapland. Ami is currently in her room re-thinking what she had packed after I explained to her that we were going for three days, not three weeks. Tad is hiding in his office again and here I sit, alone with my thoughts.
Until I hear a little ping on my phone and a reminder pops up from my calendar.
43 days! Apply for absolute!
Fuck! With everything going on I completely forgot. The six weeks and a day is up since I sent off the decree nisi for the divorce. Kevin has pulled no stunts, so now I can apply for the decree absolute. And that’s it. As soon as that comes through I am completely free of him. My stomach flutters and I find myself smiling for the first time in what feels like forever.
Feeling a burst of energy, I skip downstairs and knock on Tad’s office door.
“Yes?”
I slowly open the door and can see he is busy typing something on his laptop.
“You busy?” I ask.
“A little. Everything okay?” He replies without taking his eyes away from his screen.
Dejected, I decide now isn’t the time. “Yeah everything’s fine. I’ll come back later.”
I start to close the door before he calls my name. “I’m not so busy I can’t spare you five minutes. Come here.” He smiles at me and pushes his chair away from his desk to make room for me on his lap.
For the first time in a while, it looks like he actually means the smile he is giving me, and as I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, I can feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend back together. I just sit quietly for a few moments, breathing him in, savouring the feel of him after what feels like too long.
Eventually I remember why I came down in the first place.
“Guess what today is?” I ask as I pull back to look at him.
“Uh Christmas Eve, eve?” He searches his mind in case he has forgotten something. “Celine and Danny’s anniversary?”
“No, well, yes, actually you’ve reminded me, I need to message them. But no, it’s something else.”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s been forty three days.” I smile and wait for him to work it out.
His confused look slowly turns into the biggest, most genuine smile I’ve seen in a long time as he realises. My face mirrors his and he leans in to kiss me. It feels like years since we even last kissed and the flood of emotions I feel is almost too much. I think I got so caught up in my own grief, that I forgot just how much I love this man. And how much he loves me too.
Chapter Twelve
Tad
The snow is falling thick and fast around us as we arrive at our little log cabin. I fully expect Ami to pass out from excitement at any moment. I’ve never seen her looking so happy, and it warms my heart.
Rachel has smiled lots today too, a
nd for the first time in a while, I can see an end to the black hole we have been stuck in the last couple of weeks.
As I am pulling suitcases from the cab, I can’t help but stop and stare at the two of them. They are laughing and playing in the snow, cheeks and noses rosy from the cold, breath billowing out in front of them.
Leo is helping Mary to the front door, and I quickly get ahead of them so I can open it.
As soon as I have let them inside, I feel a cold lump hit me in the back of the head. The snowball explodes on impact, covering me in a dusting of freezing cold snow. As I turn I can see Ami and Rach running in different directions, laughing at my squirming as some of the ice cold water drips down my collar and freezes my back.
“Oh girls. You shouldn’t start something you can’t win!” I say as I scoop up huge handfuls of snow and make an extra-large ball. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” I call as I stalk around a bush, trying to find where they have gone.
I see them hiding behind a tree stump and run towards them. They see me coming and scream, but before I have even managed to lift my massive snowball, they have pelted me with at least three or four smaller ones, causing me to drop my big one.
Their laughter is infectious and we all stand outside, laughing so hard we struggle to breathe. Although that may also have something to do with the intense cold.
“Okay, fine, I give up. Let’s go in, I’m freezing!” I say through slightly chattering teeth.
The girls high five behind my back as I walk them inside.
Once we have shaken off as much of the snow as we can, we walk inside and I hear Ami take a huge breath in and exhale a long “wow” as she looks around.
The cabin is stunning. There is a huge fire in the main room, surrounded by comfy looking sofas and chairs, each piled with thick blankets and soft cushions.
There is a door which leads to the main bathroom, which includes a little steam room. Upstairs are three bedrooms, each with their own bathroom.
“Tad, this place is amazing.” Rachel walks over to me and grabs my freezing fingers in her equally cold hand.
“Can I go and find my room?” Ami calls excitedly from the bottom of the stairs.
“Of course, Nanny and Gramps must be up there too, go and check they aren’t getting into any trouble will you?” Rach says from next to me.
We watch her skip up the stairs and then Rach turns and leans her head into my chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull her tightly in to me.
“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” She whispers into my chest.
“Of course we are.” I lift her chin up to face me and gently kiss her. She smiles and it’s like I can feel all of her tension just melt away.
A few hours later and we are sitting eating pizza by the fire. Mary and Leo have started to tell somewhat embarrassing stories about Rachel from when she was a child and I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much.
“So Ami, what are you hoping Santa brings you this year?” Mary says whilst clearing plates away.
Ami rolls her eyes wildly. “Nanny, I’m ten.” She states matter of factly.
“And?” Mary’s eyes narrow.
Ami sighs loudly. “I know Santa isn’t real.”
The look of horror on Mary’s face, forces a roar of laughter through me that I have to fight very hard to suppress.
Rach leans in and whispers “This will be good.”
“Amelia Joanne Blackford,” I can’t help but notice both Rach and Ami wincing slightly, and I’m not sure it’s because Mary is full naming Ami, or if it’s because of the reminder of Kevin in her surname. “You stand in Lapland, the home of Santa, and then say he is not real? You had better take that back pretty quickly if you expect to get any presents this year!”
“Nan-”
“Don’t you Nan me! Only believers get presents, isn’t that right Rachel?” They both turn to look at an amused Rachel, who quickly stiffens her face and looks gravely serious. I can practically feel the laughter bubbling over.
“I still believe in Santa, always have.” Rachel says seriously.
“Oh Mum.” Ami shakes her head softly before turning to me for help. “Tad, tell them.” I feel Mary’s eyes on me before I see them.
“Of course he is real Aims! How else do you think you get presents?” I say as flatly as I can manage while trying not to laugh.
She sighs again, looking defeated. “Fine, he is real.” She rolls her eyes again as Mary turns and heads into the small kitchenette. Ami catches my eye and I can’t help but wink at her. She smiles and gives me an exasperated look that she seems to have perfected for someone who isn’t yet out of primary school.
Later that evening, Mary and Leo are engrossed in an old movie on the telly, Ami is sitting on the floor while Rachel puts her hair into an intricate plait, and I am sitting next to her, rubbing the small of her back every so often.
“Mum?” Ami says as she stands and looks at the floor. Rach pulls her onto her lap, and I make room for her legs across mine.
“What’s up?” She asks as Ami is twiddling her fingers, almost nervously.
“Well, I hate my name.” She rushes out. “Not the Ami part, just, my last name.” She murmurs as she looks back at her fingers.
Rachel and I look at each other, and she pulls Ami into her chest.
“Oh babe, has anyone said anything to you about it?”
“No, it’s just, I know he is my Dad, and he will always be. But I don’t want to have to remember him whenever I write my name, or tell people my name.”
“What would you like to be called?”
“I want the same name as you. Bennett. For now anyway.” She smiles nervously.
Rachel and I share a knowing look, and she smiles at me.
“How about we tell school we have changed your name to Bennett for now, and you can use that, and then once Tad and I are married, we can legally change your name to Turner, if you’d like?”
Ami’s eyes widen and her smile is infectious. “Can we really do that?”
“Yes, definitely, if that’s what you want?” I say. Her smile just widens as she nods her head and squeezes Rachel tightly.
Of course, then plan is for me to legally adopt her once we are married, but we are keeping it a surprise. I had been completely on edge about asking her, but now I feel that weight has been lifted. She wants to be a Turner! My heart feels fit to burst.
Rachel
The presents have been opened, and we have just got back to the cabin after having a huge Christmas lunch at the hotel at the bottom of the hill.
Mum looks as though she doesn’t quite know what to do with herself. Usually she spends all of Christmas day in the kitchen, either cooking, sorting out nibbles, or cleaning. This is the first time she has never had to do anything, and she looks lost.
“Mum, sit down and relax.” I say as I guide her to the sofa and put the television remote in her hand. “Drink?” I ask her.
“Oh go on then, make it alcoholic.” She winks at me and I walk towards the fridge. I pull out a bottle of prosecco and grab two glasses from the cupboard. Tad, Ami and Dad are all getting their thermals and coats on as Dad wants to show them the Northern Lights.
They wander in to the room as I reach the sofa and I have to stifle a giggle when I see Ami. She must be wearing at least three or four jumpers, underneath the thickest thermal coat I have ever seen.
“You look warm.” I call over to her and she narrows her eyes at me.
“I can’t even bend my arms.” She complains and I can’t help but laugh, and I can hear Mum giggling from the sofa too.
Dad and Tad join her, looking significantly less bulky. “We won’t be too long.” Tad calls. “Are you sure you don’t want to come too?”
“We’re fine thanks.” Mum calls as she takes the bottle of prosecco from my hands and waves it at Tad.
“Have fun, stay warm.” I kiss them all on the cheek as I usher them out of the door. Mum has poured me a gl
ass of fizz by the time I get back to the sofa and I tentatively pick it up as I sit down. I haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink since before….
Mum is talking to me but I’ve been lost in my thoughts and haven’t heard a word.
“Rachel?”
“Hmm, yes? Sorry, was miles away.” I look up from my untouched drink and look at Mum, whose face is etched with concern.
“I’ve never known you to stare at a drink rather than drink it straight away. What’s wrong?” Her eyes suddenly light up. “You’re not-”
“Mum, don’t. No. I’m not.” I say bluntly, willing my eyes to stay dry.
I sip the drink and as the bubbles sip down my throat I can’t help but feel the first twinge of sadness since we got here. It’s in no way as consuming as it was before, but it’s still there. This crushing feeling of loss.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Mum asks softly from next to me, and I realise she has been watching me intently.
Well that does it. My eyes start to water on their own and the lure of comfort from my mum is too strong.
“We were- I was, pregnant.” I stutter and without needing to say anything else Mum pulls me close to her and lets me cry. I can feel the hot tears splashing on to her top, pooling and leaving a wet patch. But Mum just sits and strokes my hair until the tears subside.
“It gets easier, I promise.” She mutters into my hair.
“Thanks Mum.” I sit up and wipe my eyes. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Don’t apologise, I understand.” She smiles at me. “Talk to me now.”
So I do, we talk for what feels like hours. I tell her about the scare when I had forgotten my injection, about Celine being pregnant, about how I told Tad. More tears are shed from both of us as I tell her about the scan, and we end up curled up together on the sofa.
Just as I am starting to get a little concerned at how long the others have been gone, I hear footsteps from outside and the door opening, letting in a freezing gust of wind. They emerge one by one, looking frozen. Faces bright red, and coats covered in snow. Tad and Dad are shivering, while Ami looks slightly smug.
