VIII
IN WHICH SOCRATES ATTACKS THE HELMET AND THE BATTLE-AX
"Marie came to see us at our home next morning and began to cry assoon as she had sat down in the library. The thing I had looked forhad come to pass. Her grandfather had dropped Harry from his list, andwarned him to keep off the rag-carpet. There was to be no moreprancing around in the 'toot-coach' and the 'Harry-cart,' as he calledthem, for Marie. In his view it was the surest means of getting toperdition. Harry was an idler, and he had always found that an idlebrain was the devil's workshop. Marie might be polite to the youngman, but she must keep her side of the road and see that there wasalways plenty of room between them.
"'He's so hateful,' Marie said of her grandfather. 'He made such afuss about our getting a crest that we've a perfect right to! Mama hadto give it up.'
"'What! Do you mean to tell me that you have no crest!' I inquired,anxiously.
"'We have one, but we cannot use it; our hands are tied,' was hersorrowful answer.
"'I'm astonished. Why, everybody is going to have a crest inPointview.
"'The other day I suggested to Bridget Maloney, our pretty chambermaid,that she ought to have the Maloney crest on her letter-heads.
"'"What's that?" says Bridget.
"'"What's that!" I said, with a look of pity.
"'Then I showed her a letter from Mrs. Van Alstyne, with a lion and agriffin cuffing each other black and blue at the top of the sheet.
"'"It's grand!" said she.
"'"It's the Van Alstyne crest," I said. "It's a proof of respectability.Aren't you as good as they are?"
"'"Every bit!" said she.
"'"That's what I thought. Don't you often feel as if you were betterthan a good many people you know?"
"'"Sure I do."
"'"Well, that's a sign that you're blue-blooded," said I. "Probablyyou've got a king in your family somewhere. A crest shows that yoususpect your ancestors--nothing more than that. It isn't proof, sothere's no reason why you shouldn't have it. You ought not to be goingaround without a crest, as if you were a common servant-girl. Why,every kitchen-maid will be thinking she's as good as you are. You wantto be in style. You have money in the bank, and not half the peoplewho have crests are as well able to afford 'em."
"'"How much do they cost?"
"'IT'S THE VAN ALSTYNE CREST,' I SAID. 'IT'S A PROOF OFRESPECTABILITY.'"]
"'"Nothing--at least, yours'll cost nothing, Bridget. I shall be gladto buy one for you."
"'The simple girl thanked me, and I found the Maloney crest for her,and had the plate made and neatly engraved on a hundred sheets ofpaper.
"'Next week the Pointview _Advocate_ will print this item: "MissBridget Maloney, the genial chambermaid of Mrs. Socrates Potter, usesthe Maloney crest on her letter-heads. She is said to be a linealdescendant of his Grace Bryan Maloney, one of the early dukes ofIreland."
"'Bridget is haughty, well-mannered, and a neat dresser. She's apace-maker in her set. Even the high-headed servants of WarburtonHouse imitate her hats and gowns.
"'Yesterday Katie O'Neil, one of Mrs. Warburton's maids, came to mefor information as to the heraldry of her house. I found a crest forKatie; and then came Mary Maginness; and Bertha Schimpfelheim, thedaughter of a real German count; and one August Bernheimer, a youngbarber of baronial blood; and Pietro Cantaveri, our prosperousbootblack, who was the grandson of an Italian countess; and so itgoes, and soon all the high-born servers of Pointview will be suppliedwith armorial bearings.
"'These claims to distinction shall be soberly chronicled in the_Advocate_. Not one is to be overlooked or treated with any lack ofrespect. On the contrary, the whole thing will be exploited with aproper sense of awe.'
"Marie laughed.
"'Wait till I tell mama,' she said. 'It's lucky you told me. It'ssaved us. I guess grandfather was right about that.'
"'And he's right about Harry, too,' I said. 'But don't despair; I'mtrying to put a new mainspring in the boy. If I succeed, yourgrandfather may have to change his mind.'
"She went away comforted, but not happy.
"Well, I went on with the crest campaign. Bertha, Pietro, and theothers got their crests and saw their names in the paper.
"The supply of crests was soon perfectly adequate, and among our bestpeople the demand for them began to diminish, and suddenly ceased. Thebeast rampant and couchant, the helmet and the battle-ax, associatedonly with mixed tenses and misplaced capitals according to theirancient habit. This chambermaid grammar was referred to by my friend,Dr. Guph, as the 'battle-ax brand'--a designation of some merit.Expensive stationery fell into the fireplaces of Pointview, andarmorial plates were found in the garbage. The family trees of thevillage were deserted. Not a bird twittered in their branches. Thesubject of genealogy was buried in deep silence, save when theirreverent referred to some late addition to our new aristocracy.
"Now I want to make it clear that we have no disrespect for thecustoms of any foreign land. If I were living in a foreign land andneeded evidence of my respectability, I'd have a crest, if it waslikely to prove my case. But America was founded by the sons of theyeomen, and the yeomen established their respectability with otherevidence. Their brains were so often touched by the battle-ax thatsome of us have an hereditary shyness about the head, and we dodge atevery baronial relic."
'Charge It': Keeping Up With Harry Page 9
