There was a quick internal debate behind his eyes. “I heard Mika say it,” he said, deflated.
“Oh, well,” I flung my arm up in the air, with a dramatic flair that could have only been made more dramatic — and infinitely cooler — had there been glitter in my hand. “I’m so glad you remember her name. I didn’t realize you two were so close.”
“We’re not, but Mika becoming Mika was kind of a big deal.”
“Sure. Sure. We have a bunch of classes together, you hear people call me Katie — not even my real name, just the name I use at school, that I kind of hate — practically daily and you can’t be bothered to log it, but Mike, who you didn’t know before, becomes Mika who you don’t know now, well that’s in there solid as gold.” I set my hand against my forehead. It was cold as balls outside, and I was so angry, so heated, I didn’t feel it anymore.
“What’s your real name?”
“No,” I held a finger up to him. “Not in anger.”
Dominic looked confused, like he was trying to decipher what I’d meant. “Okay…” but then he dropped it with a shake of his head and said, “Look, Katie, or whatever your name is. I’m sorry I was such a jerk to you. If Ryan…” he shook his head, clearly frustrated. “If he hurt you, or took advantage of you, or lied to you, that’s not okay.”
“I know.”
Dominic shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his fingers fidgeting with the strap on his backpack. “I’m not doing this right, again.”
“Dominic, at the risk of you thinking I’m hitting on you again — which I am not. I get what you’re trying to do here, what you’re trying to say. I appreciate that you’re trying. I just need some time to process everything. I don’t do drama, you know?” I stopped there, the crossover between Kat and Katie was too much right now, and it was starting to make my brain hurt. “I gotta go,” I let out a quick breath. “I’ll see you later.” I started walking past him but turned back as I pulled open the door. “Oh, and because for some weird reason you care about this stuff, I’m totally ditching Wednesday.”
・❀・❀・❀・
I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid interacting with Dominic, but when he followed me to library during lunch I figured I’d let him say whatever he was so desperate to say he’d altered his whole entire schedule for it.
I put my books down and wandered into the stacks, he followed.
“Something you need to say?” I asked, not turning to look at him.
“Did he—?” his breath caught.
I turned to look at him then. Everything about him was tense.
“Did he hurt you?” he managed.
“No. Not like that,” I reassured. “Only my feelings,” I shrugged.
Dominic’s everything relaxed. “Good,” he sighed. “That’s good. I mean, that’s not good,” he started fidgeting with the shelf just next to him. “I’m just… you know.”
“Oh shit,” I realized. He’s been thinking this whole time that his friend may have violated me in some way. I wanted to reach out and take hold of his fidgeting hand but I knew he’d just freak out and bolt. “Dominic, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry about this.”
“You’re apologizing to me?” He looked like I’d just slapped him.
“Ryan’s a dick, but he’s not like a rapist or anything. So yeah I’m apologizing, you shouldn’t have had to be worrying about whether or not your friend was a scuzz.”
Dominic nodded.
“You wanna hug it out?” I offered. I don’t know why I said it.
Dominic looked me dead in the eye, like maybe he was considering it, and then he said, “I can’t,” and bolted. Like lightning.
・❀・❀・❀・
I slept over at Julian’s Tuesday night, that’s how completely committed I was to not watching a movie at school on Wednesday. I slept in until 10am, while Julian was up at dawn, because he was sleeping in too, making pies for Thanksgiving Day.
A little after 1pm, while we were peeling apples, there was a knock on the door, Julian got a devilish grin and asked me to get it. It was Kimber and Kayley. “Oh my what!?” I grinned.
Kayley wrapped me in a hug like she hadn’t just seen me yesterday. “See, I knew she’d be happy to see us.”
“Of course I am. But how did you guys even get here?”
“Mostly train,” Kimber explained.
“It was so crowded,” Kayley added. “Usually it’s kind of fun taking the train into the city, but eh, not too much when you have to stand the whole way.”
“Well, you guys should spend the night and let me drive us all home tomorrow.”
“That’s the plan,” Kimber shrugged. “It was Julian’s idea,” she added quickly.
“Well, don’t sound so happy about it, Darling, You might hurt someone’s feelings.” Julian said, while his expression asked, ‘what gives?’
Kayley let out a long sigh and tattled, “She thinks Kat’s tired of us and that we’re interrupting her break from us.” Then she rolled her eyes from Julian to me, fully expecting me to either confirm or deny.
“Kimber, wanting to spend time with Julian is not me wanting to take a break from you guys. If I wanted a break, I’d tell you.”
“She would,” Kayley agreed.
“For reals and serious?” Kimber pouted.
“Yes. 100%.” I pulled her into a hug. “Now tell me you believe me or I’m having Julian literally tie us together until you do.” She didn’t immediately answer. “Peeing is gonna be super weird,” I gripped her tighter.
“Okay, okay! I believe you.”
・❀・❀・❀・
The four of us hanging out, making so many pies — so many — was exactly what I needed to forget all the excess drama that had been tweaking my inner zen. After all the pies were made and boxed (yes boxed, because Julian is a perfectionist like that) and neatly stacked in the fridge, we put on a movie and snuggled together on the couch with lots of pillows and blankets.
I hadn’t heard from Dominic that whole day, which was odd, so I texted:
KF: You got Turkey Day plans? Julian and I just finished making more pies than any Thanksgiving actually needs.
I was a little surprised he texted back so quickly.
DW: I’m working. Don’t feel bad for me though, it’s a godsend. My mom decided to show up unexpectedly with plans to crash my grandparents Thanksgiving but jokes on her, they stopped doing Thanksgiving years ago. So basically, I’m stocking shelves and avoiding everyone. Except you.
KF: At least tell me you have plans to eat a turkey sandwich or something.
DW: Oh, hell yeah! And Randy always brings me tons of leftovers from his Thanksgiving. His mom’s gravy is the best — my mouth is watering just thinking about it.
KF: So, what are you doing now?
DW: Working. I’m on a break so your text came at just the right time.
Then he sent me a selfie. His hair was mussed, but he was smiling, gray walls and brown boxes stacked on pallets made up the background behind him.
I snapped a picture of all our feet gathered together on Julian’s single ottoman, with the TV playing Planes, Trains, and Automobiles in the background.
DW: That’s a lot of feet? Have you told me about these other feet owners?
KF: Just my roomies.
A soon as I hit send it occurred to me he probably wanted to know their names — and if he asked, what the what would I tell him? It’s not like Kimber and Kayley are common names.
DW: Work calls! Don’t be worried if you don’t hear from me until Sunday or Monday, things get super busy this time of year. But don’t let that stop you from texting me I want to hear all about your Thanksgiving.
KF: I’m gonna try super hard not to worry, and you gotta promise me you won’t work too hard.
DW: Cross my heart!
KF: I guess we’ll see on Monday won’t we?
I realized my slip the second I hit send. But he may not think I meant literal
ly see him. It could be fine. Right? Oh yeah, I was definitely going to spend some time overthinking that one.
・❀・❀・❀・
No surprise I fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next morning snuggled in Julian’s bed. Who knows how long Julian had been awake, or where he’d slept, but I could hear him humming in the bathroom. I slipped passed him to use the toilet while he was brushing his teeth. “What time is it?” I yawned.
He spit and rinsed before he answered, “Almost 10.”
“You guys, have a weird relationship,” Kimber said from the hallway, her finger waggling back and forth between us while I reached for toilet paper and Julian reached for mouthwash. “You know this, right?”
“It’s four to a room with one bathroom on tour, and twelve to one bathroom on the bus. You either wait, or you learn to be less shy,” I explained.
“Nah, you guys have always been like this,” Kimber countered.
・❀・❀・❀・
It had snowed during the night, dusting the world with white and making the roads slushy. The city was oddly quiet, hushed by the holiday. It felt peaceful, tranquil without the bustle, but it also felt kind of desolate, and lonely. Like a ghost town.
The juxtaposition reminded me of how I felt about Dominic. I liked him. A lot, if I’m being completely honest. And my thoughts liked to imagine being able to sit with him and talk to him, and the thoughts mostly made me happy, but also sad, because I knew they were little more than fantasy. And so it felt like a ghost town, except I’m the ghost and he’s the visitor and the towns not empty, he just can’t see me.
“Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?” Kayley’s face appeared inches in front of mine.
“Ghost towns,” I shook myself free of my ruminations.
Kayley looped her arm around mine and turned to look out over the same view. “Yeah, it’s kind of weird without all the traffic and people,” she agreed. “Aww,” she complained, “we should have told ghost stories last night. Okay, I’ve decided, that’s totally what we’re doing tonight, so you better start thinking up something super scary.”
“Julian knows all the good scary stories,” I frowned.
Kayley’s expression turned devious. “Awesome sauce.”
“But Julian won’t be there, Kays.”
“Yeah he will, he’s spending the night. Oh, crap, that was meant to be a surprise. Oh well,” she shrugged, “try and act surprised later when they tell you.”
・❀・❀・❀・
I was kind of worried Thanksgiving would be weird without my mom and Erik. But it wasn’t, it was just different. And they Skyped in, so it wasn’t like I didn’t get to see them at all. Julian wrapped his arm around me and set his head on my shoulder and told her, “Don’t worry, Mom, you know I’ll always make sure she’s okay.”
Uh, yeah, Julian calls my mom, Mom, because she basically was his mom, so… it makes sense.
“I know, Julian. You’re the best big brother, ever. I can’t wait to see you guys next month. I have a surprise I’m holding onto that I can’t wait to share with the both of you. But I am waiting,” she said, with a determined finger in the air. Mom’s surprises were usually like this — you knew something was coming, but not what, and not always when. I knew she’d keep the secret until it was time, but I also knew she couldn’t contain her excitement about the surprise, so she was going to remind me that there was one every time I talked to her between now and then.
・❀・❀・❀・
I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging here, but our Thanksgivings are the best. I’ve heard horror stories about the weird relative, the racist relative, the overly political relative, the endless stream of family squabbles, and the indignity of being relegated to the kids table. Our Thanksgivings are nothing like that.
Everybody brings food to share, and there’s always lots of it. Tables and chairs were set up throughout the kitchen and family room, and none of them were designated anything. We’re all just together, reminiscing with family and familiars, and getting to know newcomers — who are always welcome.
So, except for Mom and Erik, all the regulars were there, Aunt Josie, Uncle Tate, Kimber, Kayley, Uncle Tate’s parents, Thomas and Dani, and his brother Dade, and his wife Lori and their kids, Ethan, Aubry, and Belle. And Uncle Tate brought some guys he works with, Mike, Dave, and Blake, and Blake’s son Tyson.
Uncle Tate went out of his way to make singular introductions between Mike and Julian so that was a bit awkward since neither of them had been expecting it, but they both awkwardly laughed it off and exchanged business cards.
Linda came with her boyfriend Royce, and he brought his daughter Naomi, who is one of my students. She doesn’t really like aerial anything, she calls it ‘something to do’ but she always gives it her best.
Julian’s Dad, Antony, hadn’t been able to make it to Thanksgiving last year because he’d been out of town for work. But he was here this year and all the adults cheered when he arrived, though, I suspect it had something to do with fact that he brought lots and lots of wine. This year he also brought his assistant, Rosalie, and it was kind of obvious that he was smitten with her, what with the borderline obsessive smiling and all the long looks in her direction. Later, I overheard Antony and Julian talking privately about her. Well, private-ish, they were in the hallway that led to Tate and Josie’s room, and the bathroom. I was around the corner in the living room texting Dominic.
My ears perked up and tuned into their conversation when I heard Julian say, “You love her.”
Antony let out a low sigh. “We’re work colleagues.” It sounded weak.
Julian let his comment hang for a moment then said, “Chicken shit.”
Antony made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a snort. And then he’s said. “Yeah, probably. But there’ll never be another Lacey for me, Julian.”
A deep ache filled my chest. Lacey, was Julian’s mom. He barely remembered her because he was so young when she died, but everyone always knew she was the love of Antony’s life. I only know her from other peoples memories and pictures of her in spaces Linda and Julian want to keep a reminder of her. I hadn’t heard her name spoken in years and it made me sad. She was a significant part of the most important person to me in the entire world. She should have buildings and parks named after her and stuff.
“No,” Julian agreed, with his father sentiment. “But there might be a Rosalie.”
I was already crying. But the last thing I wanted to do was start sobbing, so I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. When I opened them again, Julian was crouched in front of me.
I tried to smile away the overwhelm of feels but I could feel the ugly cry face expression fighting against the happy sad smile on my face. I’m sure I looked absolutely hideous, possibly crazy, but Julian just looked concerned. “Why are you crying, Darling?”
I took a deep breath and blubbered, “I love you, Julian. You’re the most amazing person in the whole entire world, and I am so lucky to have you in my life.”
Julian smiled, then he leaned in and kissed me. “I love you, too.” He stood, pulling me to my feet along with him and wrapped me in a hug. We stood like that for a long time, and then he kissed me again.
The rest of Thanksgiving was way less dramatic. We ate, played games, ate some more, some people watched a movie, others chatted. A few people went home in the evening but some stayed late into the night. Some of the too tipsy to drive adults were given mine, Kimber and Kayley’s beds and we set up camp in the living room. Seriously, Kayley set up tents with sleeping bags, and made a little faux fire with electric candles she’d gathered in a pie tin and surrounded with small decorative pumpkins and gourds, that had been part of several different centerpieces earlier in the day.
We told funny stories and ghost stories and stories of holidays past. I fell asleep curled next to Julian while he chatted and drank wine with Mike. I was glad they seemed to be hitting it off so well, but who could know if anything would b
ecome of it. Julian’s particular about the guys he dates, but even during the best of times, being on tour, being away, had always been a formidable relationship killer.
・❀・❀・❀・
Dear Diary,
It’s Thanksgiving. I miss my mom. I miss Erik too, but I miss Mom the most. I can’t wait to see her in person next month, but I’m sad I can’t be with her today.
I’m sad about a lot of things actually. Maybe it’s just the time of year, gotta get all our sorrows and regrets around us so we know what to make our resolutions about for the New Year.
My list so far:
1- Tell those I love and care about that I love and care about them — more than I do.
2- Don’t be so damned trusting. Nice doesn’t mean not horrible.
So basically, love more and trust less. Seems oxymoronic. But that’s only because it is.
Paradoxically yours,
-Kat
Chapter 16
Monday morning, 2nd period, AP Biology with Mr Teague.
Aimee cordially asked us all how our holiday break was, told us hers had been productive, but now playtime was over. She expected nothing less than A’s on the final exam, and recommended that we meet every day from then until exam time to study.
Kit Kat & Katie Did Page 18
