by Sarah Morgan
‘Oh, Anna!’ Impulsively Holly put an arm round the thin shoulders and gave the other woman a comforting squeeze. ‘That’s not true at all! Just because it seems hard, it doesn’t mean you’re no good. Look at Harry—he’s healthy and happy. That’s all down to you.’
‘She’s right,’ Debra said gruffly. ‘You are doing a good job, Anna. But you’re obviously feeling very down, aren’t you, love?’
Anna started to sob. ‘I just can’t cope,’ she choked. ‘I don’t get any sleep, I have a permanent headache, I’ve got no one to help me, and sometimes when Harry cries and cries I think I might do something to him. It’s not that I don’t love him—but sometimes it just gets too much.’
‘I can imagine.’ Holly made soothing noises and comforted her while Debra lifted the baby away from the distraught mother.
‘You poor thing. Does Harry cry a lot?’
‘In the evenings it’s a nightmare,’ Anna confessed, her voice choked. ‘He yells non-stop for three hours. I know he’s got tummyache but I can’t seem to help him. I’ve tried colic drops but they didn’t work at all.’
Holly frowned thoughtfully. ‘How about massage?’
‘You mean rubbing his tummy?’ Anna looked doubtful and Holly nodded.
‘It can be quite effective for colicky babies, can’t it, Debra?’
Debra nodded. ‘There are some mothers who find that it works wonders. There’s a local group for baby massage which started a few months ago. If you like, I could try and find their number.’
‘No, thanks.’ Anna shook her head and blew her nose hard. ‘I—I don’t really feel like meeting anyone right now.’
Holly bit her lip. The poor, poor woman! She glanced at Debra and then back at Anna.
‘I could pop round some time and help you,’ she said quietly. ‘I could bring some oils and we could do it together. If you wanted me to, that is.’
Anna hesitated. ‘Would you do that?’
‘Of course,’ Holly said immediately. ‘I’d be glad to. I can’t promise it will help, but it’s worth a try. Is that all right with you, Debra?’
‘Absolutely!’ Debra was obviously relieved to have found someone else to help with Anna, and Holly was pleased that the other woman obviously wasn’t territorial about her patients.
‘I think if I could stop him crying such a lot I’d be able to cope better,’ Anna confessed, the tears falling again.
‘Does your husband know you feel like this?’ Holly handed her a handful of tissues.
‘He knows I’m a bit down.’ Anna shredded the tissues and made a visible effort to stop crying. ‘But he’s just lost his job and it’s all very stressful at the moment. He goes out with his friends a lot and I sometimes wonder if he’s staying away on purpose because things are so awful at home. I just haven’t got anyone to turn to.’
Holly exchanged looks with Debra. ‘Would you consider joining a postnatal group Anna? It might help you make some friends. Meet people in the same situation.’
‘I really couldn’t.’ Anna’s shoulders shook with sobs once again. ‘I haven’t got the energy to go out. I really haven’t.’
Which was most likely the reason she wasn’t turning up at clinic and Debra wasn’t seeing her.
‘What about family?’ Holly probed gently. ‘Are any of your family nearby?’
Anna shook her head again. ‘There’s only my dad and he’s in his seventies. And Bill’s mum and dad are too far away to help.’
No wonder the woman was exhausted. Holly ran through the options in her head. One thing was certain—Anna couldn’t be allowed to leave until they’d found a way to help her.
‘We need to sort this out one stage at a time Anna,’ Holly said gently. ‘I’ll come round and see if massage helps Harry’s colic, but we need to think about you, too. Who’s your GP?’
‘Dr Logan,’ came the reply, and Holly nodded.
‘And have you tried talking to him about how you feel?’
‘Oh, I couldn’t!’ Anna wiped her swollen eyes and sniffed. ‘He was great after Harry was born and I had all those problems, but this is different. He’s a man and he hasn’t got children of his own. He’d be really shocked if he knew some of the things I’ve been thinking about Harry. He couldn’t possibly understand.’
‘That’s not true,’ Holly said swiftly. ‘Not only is Dr Logan a superb doctor but he’s also the uncle of twins, and they’re the biggest handful you’ve ever met. Believe me, he wouldn’t be shocked by anything you told him. He knows what hard work children can be.’
‘I just couldn’t. What would he think of me?’ Anna started to sob again and Debra frowned.
‘He wouldn’t think anything, pet. He wouldn’t judge you if that’s what you’re worried about.’
Anna’s breath was jerky. ‘He might think I’m an unfit mother.’
‘Anna, you’re a lovely mother,’ Holly said gently. ‘You’re just very down and you need help. And Dr Logan can give it. Please, let him.’
Anna sniffed again, clearly hesitant. Just then there was a tap on the door and Mark popped his head round.
‘I wondered whether you’d seen—’ He broke off and his sharp eyes narrowed as he registered what was happening. ‘Anna?’
He closed the door behind him and crossed the room in two easy strides, squatting down next to Anna, his handsome face concerned.
‘What’s the matter?’ His voice was kind and Anna swallowed hard.
‘It’s nothing—really.’
‘Come on, Anna,’ Mark said softly. ‘You don’t cry over nothing. You must be feeling pretty low.’
Anna hesitated, tears threatening again as she struggled for control and shredded another tissue between trembling fingers. ‘I—I know it’s stupid...’
‘It isn’t stupid at all.’ Mark’s voice was steady and calm. ‘If I’d been through what you went through I’d be feeling low, too.’
‘It’s my fault,’ Anna whispered. ‘I should try and snap out of it.’
Mark shook his head, his dark eyes holding hers. ‘It’s not your fault at all. If it’s anyone’s fault then it’s probably mine for not checking up on you sooner. I should have guessed you might feel depressed after the awful time you had. How long have you been feeling this bad?’
‘I—I don’t know really.’ Anna’s voice cracked and the tears spilled down her pale cheeks. ‘It just seems to have got worse and worse.’
‘I’m really sorry,’ Mark said gruffly, taking her hand in his and giving it a squeeze. ‘I should have followed you up more closely. Why on earth didn’t you come and see me?’
Anna bit her lip. ‘I didn’t want to be a bother.’
‘Oh, Anna.’ Mark gave a groan and rubbed his forehead with long fingers. There was a pause while he mentally ran through the options. ‘OK, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to come with me now, and we’re going to have a cup of tea and a chat. Then you’re going to promise me to come and see me every week until I see you laughing.’
Anna’s eyes widened. ‘You can’t spare the time to have a cup of tea with me. You’ve got patients to see.’
‘You’re my patient, too, Anna.’ Mark straightened and gave her a gentle smile that did funny things to Holly’s insides. How many doctors did she know who would have handled the situation so sensitively? Not once had he dismissed Anna’s feelings, made her feel stupid or let on that he was in the middle of a busy surgery. Mark was so good with people and such a good doctor.
‘We just need to give Harry his first immunisations,’ she told Mark quickly, and he nodded.
‘Fine. Bring her through when you’re ready.’
Holly turned back to Anna with a smile. ‘Are you happy about Harry having his immunisations? Has Debra explained it all?’
Anna nodded. ‘Yes, she gave me a booklet. Does he have the meningitis injection as well?’
‘Yes, although the vaccination only covers meningitis C,’ Holly told her, drawing up the injections quickly.
‘I’m afraid there still isn’t any protection against meningitis B so we all have to stay vigilant.’
‘You’ll think this is a silly question,’ Anna mumbled, ‘but he can’t catch meningitis from the injection, can he?’
Holly shook her head, her ponytail swinging. ‘No. And it isn’t a silly question at all. But the meningitis C vaccine isn’t what we call a “live” vaccine. In other words, there’s nothing in it that can cause the disease.’
‘Oh.’ Anna gave a weak smile. ‘Well, I’m happy for him to have it in that case.’
Holly gave the injections quickly and took advantage of Harry’s outraged yell to squeeze the polio drops onto his tongue. Then she helped Anna carry her belongings through to Mark’s consulting room.
‘Do you want me to tell your patients that there’ll be a wait?’ She spoke quietly to Mark and he shook his head.
‘I’ve finished surgery,’ he told her. ‘I’ve got some house calls but there’s nothing that can’t wait for half an hour. I’ve asked Tina to call them and let them know I’ll be delayed.’
* * *
By the time Holly arrived home that evening she felt exhausted and took advantage of Mark’s absence to strip off her uniform and climb straight into a hot bath.
By the time she heard his key in the door, she’d changed into jeans and a bright blue strappy top and was putting the finishing touches to an exotic salad.
‘Mmm. That looks delicious.’ He peered over her shoulder and reached down to steal an olive. ‘I can see why I’m marrying you.’
She thumped him playfully. ‘In your dreams, buster! You look hot and bothered. Go and change. Wine or beer?’
‘Oh, beer, please.’ He groaned and dropped his length onto one of the kitchen chairs. ‘I haven’t got the energy to get changed yet. What a day!’
‘So how was Anna in the end?’ Holly’s voice was soft and he gave a rueful smile.
‘In a pretty bad way. Bad enough for me to give her an antidepressant. I’ve spoken to Debra and she’s going to see her twice a week for counselling until she improves slightly. And I gather you’re going to try massage on the baby. That was nice of you.’
‘No problem. I thought I’d give her a call tomorrow to arrange it.’ Holly handed him a beer and then mixed oil and vinegar for the dressing, thinking how tired he looked. ‘I don’t know much about postnatal depression. How do you tell the difference between a normal reaction to suddenly having a new baby and proper depression?’
‘The answer is, with difficulty,’ Mark admitted, taking a mouthful of beer, ‘but in Anna’s case I’m totally confident that she’s suffering from a clinical depression. She has low mood, lack of interest, loss of enjoyment—she’s permanently tearful and she can’t concentrate. Fairly classic signs.’
Holly added a touch of mustard to her dressing. ‘And is it safe to take drugs if you’re breastfeeding?’
Mark pulled a face. ‘Well, all antidepressants are secreted in breast milk to some degree, but in this case it’s irrelevant because she never managed to breastfeed. And that gives her yet another thing to feel depressed and guilty about.’
‘Poor thing.’ Holly bit her lip and picked up the pepper mill. ‘Didn’t they help her in the hospital?’
‘The hospital,’ Mark said grimly, tapping the can on the table, ‘were hopeless in Anna’s case. In every way possible.’
‘No wonder she’s depressed.’ Holly added yoghurt to the mixture and poured it into a jar. ‘She was so upset today. And she seemed very lonely. You were lovely with her, Mark—she really trusts you.’
He gave a short laugh. ‘That’s probably because I was the only doctor who took notice of her original symptoms, poor thing. I’d only been with the practice for a couple of months, but I spent a lot of time with her after she was discharged because she was in such a mess. I suppose I got to know her quite well.’
‘It’s just as well you did,’ Holly said softly, ‘because she doesn’t trust anyone else yet.’
‘No. She’s very isolated at the moment.’ Mark leaned over again and stole a piece of salami. ‘Debra’s given her a list of groups she could join.’
Holly bit her lip and looked at him, feeling troubled. ‘But when you’re depressed it’s hard to make yourself do anything that proactive.’
‘That’s true, but Debra will keep an eye on her,’ Mark said confidently, unbuttoning his shirt and revealing a hint of tanned male chest covered in curling dark hairs. ‘And I’ll be seeing her every week, too.’
For some reason the brief glimpse made Holly feel oddly uncomfortable and she looked away quickly. What was the matter with her?
She put the oil and vinegar back in the cupboard and took a deep breath. It was this silly pretence, that was all. It was making her think about Mark in ways she’d never thought of him before. So it was best not to think of him at all. She forced her mind back to the subject of Anna.
‘Aren’t you anxious about her?’ she asked, regaining control.
‘Holly, I’ve done what I can.’ His voice was gentle but firm. ‘I can’t spend every spare minute worrying about every patient I see or I’d go nuts. I have to switch off, I’m afraid. It’s a survival mechanism. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It just means I’m doing my job properly. Getting too involved is bad news—you should know that.’
Holly nodded and twisted the lid onto the jar, shaking the dressing vigorously. ‘Go and change and I’ll finish dinner.’
‘Thanks. It’s the lifestyle clinic tomorrow so we’ll both be busy with that, but I’ll cook on Saturday.’ Mark helped himself to another olive and frowned suddenly as he stood up. ‘Oh, not Saturday. I knew there was something I’d forgotten to tell you. It’s the beach barbecue.’
Holly put the dressing down on the table and stared at him. ‘What beach barbecue?’
‘They have it every year and it’s on Saturday.’ Mark shrugged apologetically. ‘Sorry. It slipped my mind. It’s a sort of social night with everyone from the practice and the other neighbouring practices.’
Holly blinked. It sounded daunting. ‘Do—do I have to come?’
What were they all expecting of her? So far she and Mark had only been seen together in a professional capacity.
‘Don’t you want to?’ His eyebrows lifted. ‘You’re supposed to be my fiancée, sweetheart, remember?’
‘Of course I am.’ She gave him a bright smile and tried to pull herself together. What on earth was the matter with her? It would be fine. She was only playing a part after all. Just a role of make-believe, nothing more. She could handle it.
‘What’s the matter?’ Mark leaned against the kitchen table and gave her a boyish grin. ‘Bowled over by the thought of me kissing you?’
Kissing her? She swallowed hard.
‘You’re planning to kiss me?’ Her voice was little more than a croak and she cleared her throat and tried to look casual. ‘Well, thanks for the warning. I’ll try not to laugh.’
Studiously avoiding his gaze, she spooned capers into the salad and walked over to the sink to wash some baby tomatoes.
It wouldn’t be a proper kiss, she reassured herself. Not in public. Just a little peck. She’d been pecking Mark all her life, so there was nothing to worry about.
‘Can’t imagine kissing you really.’ Mark narrowed his eyes as he studied her. ‘It will feel a bit like kissing my sister. Gross, as my oldest nephew would say.’
‘Oh, thanks, Mark!’ Holly threw a tomato which landed with a satisfying plop in the middle of his solid chest. ‘You’re so good for my ego. And talking of sisters, how is Julie? Are the twins still a handful?’
She changed the subject neatly. Anything to avoid having to think about kissing Mark.
‘They’re several handfuls,’ Mark said dryly, stooping to pick up the tomato before strolling towards the door. ‘How Julie copes I will never know. I only survive my visits because I know the end will come eventually.’
Holly laughed, knowing that he did
n’t mean it. She’d seen him in action with his sister’s children and he was wonderful with them.
‘Oh, well...’ He glanced down at his shirt and pulled a face. ‘I suppose I’d better do some first aid on my shirt. Remind me not to tease you again. You’re a lethal shot with a tomato.’
Holly waved a spoon at him threateningly. ‘You should see me with a blunt instrument!’
‘Hey, less of that.’ He pretended to glower at her. ‘You should be practising for Saturday. You’re meant to play the part of my adoring fiancée, not a nagging wife.’
‘Adoring?’ Holly pinned a worried look on her face. ‘You want adoring? Ouch. That could be a challenge. How long have I got to practise?’
‘Holly...’ He started to laugh. ‘You’re starting to worry me. You’re supposed to be madly in love with me. Right now, you’re being less than convincing.’
‘Yes, well.’ Holly was a picture of innocence. ‘To use your own words, the thought of being an adoring fiancée is pretty gross.’
‘Gross, eh?’ He grinned and started to saunter towards her. ‘In that case, perhaps we’d better have a practice before Saturday.’
Her smile faded and she backed away rapidly. Suddenly he seemed very big and very male. She most certainly didn’t want to practise.
‘No need.’ Her voice was little more than a squeak. ‘I’ll practise in front of the mirror later.’
‘Well, call me so that I can watch.’ He flicked her cheek with a careless finger and glanced at his watch. ‘Have I got time for a shower before supper?’
‘Of course.’ Holly managed a casual smile, limp with relief that he hadn’t tried to kiss her. Oh, for goodness’ sake! What was the matter with her? This was Mark! Just Mark! Why was he making her feel so nervous? It was the whole situation, she decided. She’d been friends with Mark for more than two decades and trying to pretend to be anything different felt strange.
That was all it was. Nothing else. It was just uncomfortable, examining their relationship.
She finished preparing the salad and tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in her bones. Saturday would be the first time they’d really had to act as a couple. But it would be easy, she told herself firmly. It was just Mark after all...
