by Paige Dearth
“I hate living on the streets in the cold,” Joon stated. “I’m never dry or warm. My lips are chapped, my skin feels itchy…it’s the worst feeling ever.”
Lulu glanced at her sideways. “Says the girl who just spent two nights in a shelter with warm food and showers.”
Joon blushed. “Yeah, sorry. It’s just that I know what’s to come. It’s almost worse being inside and then having to come out into the cold. When you know how good it feels to be in a heated place, it makes being out here harder.”
Lulu poked her elbow gently into Joon’s side. “How about we go into the subway? It’ll be warmer down there. Begging ain’t the greatest, but at least we won’t freeze to death trying to get money to buy something to keep us from freezing to death.” She chuckled.
Joon looped her arm through Lulu’s, and the girls picked up their pace as the wind came at them in heavy gusts. “Very funny. Look, we’ll try it for a while, and if it doesn’t pay off, we can get back on the street.”
By the time they got down in the subway, they were half-frozen. Lulu walked over to a bench away from the crowd and sat. She hugged her body tight, trying to warm herself from the outside in. Joon noticed her pale face had become even whiter.
“Are you okay?” Joon asked, sitting next to her new friend.
Lulu glanced around at the crowd. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired. I’m so damn cold I can’t seem to warm up.”
Joon put her arm around Lulu and hugged her tight, trying to generate body heat, but Lulu continued shivering. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
A few minutes later, Joon returned with two cups of hot chocolate. “Here,” Joon said, pushing the steaming cup at Lulu. “Drink this. It’ll warm you up a little.”
Lulu took the cup in both hands, blew lightly on the steaming chocolate, and sipped gently. She felt the liquid warm her insides as it made its way into her belly.
“Mm, this is so good. Thank you,” Lulu mumbled. “How did you buy it?”
Joon bit her bottom lip for a moment. “Well, a friend gave me a little money to hold me over. I don’t have much…”
Lulu held the cup tighter. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone. I get it. Sometimes we have to keep a little for ourselves in case we need it. How much you got?”
“He gave me forty bucks.”
Lulu eyes bulged. “Wow! That’s awesome. I haven’t had forty bucks since…well, years ago.”
“Well, thanks for not telling the others. I’m gonna keep it in case I need it. Ya know?”
Lulu put her head on Joon’s shoulder. “Your secret’s safe with me. I don’t play that game. I believe that we all get to have our privacy. Some in the group, like Fipple, believe that whatever you have needs to be shared. Mostly because she isn’t real good at begging ’cause of her constant scowl. She scares people off, and no one likes an angry, homeless teen.”
The girls giggled thinking about Fipple trying to look helpless enough to beg.
Joon brought her feet up onto the bench and faced Lulu. “How did you get here?”
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Lulu closed her eyes. “Well, it’s a long story.” She looked at Joon again. “When I was six months old, my parents died in a car accident, so I was raised by my father’s mom. My gram was something real special. She taught me how to cook and take care of myself. She made sure I went to school, and whenever I brought home my report cards, she’d tell me that I was the smartest person she knew. My gram was a strong woman, didn’t take any crap from nobody. I remember one time when I was about five, the kids on our block were picking on me. Gram charged out of the house like a bull, stomping toward us, her hands clenched into fists. And she came up to us, stood behind me, put her hands on my shoulders, and said ‘Why is Lulu crying?’ When no one answered, her voice got deeper, and she said, ‘I asked you children, why is Lulu crying?’ By that time, I wasn’t crying anymore because I felt the strength of my gram standing behind me—actually, I was starting to get scared for the kids standing around, because when Gram asked a question, you better answer. Everyone in our neighborhood knew that about her.”
Lulu twirled her finger into her blond, curly hair as her blue eyes were looking at something invisible. She imagined her grandmother’s loving arms around her. She longed to hear her voice and rejoice in the old woman’s smile.
“What happened? Did your grandma get the kids to talk?”
Lulu glanced at Joon and smiled. “Right. So, after a long silence, Gram asked them one more time, and one of the girls answered that it was because they were calling me ugly. My grandmother’s hands flew from my shoulders to her hips and I could feel the anger getting ready to erupt from inside of her. And she said, ‘There isn’t any such thing as ugly on the outside. The only ugly that exists in this world is on the inside. Like all of you—you’re being ugly on the inside, teasing my Lulu.’ She preached about the good life God gave us and how no one wants to be around mean people and that they would end up old and alone someday. She said, ‘I want you kids to think about a time when someone made you feel bad.’ The kids just stared at her, but she didn’t stop. ‘That bad feeling inside when someone is ugly to you, well, that’s how you made Lulu feel today. It ain’t so pleasant, is it?’
“A few of the kids cried, and she turned and left them standing there, thinking about what she had said. I was so proud that I belonged to her. She told me that there are gonna be all kinds of people in life—nasty people, nice people, weak people, happy people, sad people—and that people need to be loved and know they’re special. And that good people will find what’s special in each person and help them see it too. She asked me to promise her that I would always feed the good inside of myself and not give my heart over to evil. She said we are all capable of being mean and nasty, and she wanted me to promise I would always feed the good because I was the most special girl she knew.” There were tears in her eyes as she thought of how her grandma had teared up that day.
Joon’s mouth hung open. “That’s the greatest story I’ve ever heard. You’re so lucky to have a grandma like her. Where is she?”
The tears spilled over as she said, “Gram died two years ago, when I was seventeen. She’d been sick for about a year. The doctors said she had breast cancer, and it was too late to do anything to help her. She was so sick in the last three or four months, all I did was go to school, come home, and stay by her side. I would wake up at three every morning, so I could spend more time taking care of her before I went to school. One morning, I went into her room, and she was staring at the ceiling. When she heard me coming, she turned and looked at me…and she was so frail and tired.” Lulu took a deep breath before she continued. “But she gave me that smile of hers that always made me feel safe and loved. She patted the side of the bed. ‘Lay with me, Lulu,’ she whispered. I got onto the mattress and gently lay down with her, and she said, ‘Lulu, I have loved you since the beginning. I have taught you all that I know. When I’m gone, I want you to remember that you are very special. I’ll be watching you from Heaven, and no matter how bad things get, I will always be with you.’ All I could do was cry, and when I looked at her, Gram was crying too, but she was also smiling and she said, ‘Because of you, I have lived fully. You gave me purpose—not all old people have such a blessing.’”
Lulu leaned her head back on the bench and let the tears roll down her face as she closed her eyes. “Gram died a few minutes later. She said, ‘My little Lulu, I love you more than you’ll ever know,’ and then I lay there listening to her heart slow until there was silence and she was gone. I held her for a long time, wishing she’d come back.” She took a deep, ragged breath. “No matter how bad things are out here and even in my worst experience on the streets, nothing will ever feel as bad as the moment I lost my gram.”
Joon swiped the tears from her own cheeks. “You and your gram…you really loved each other. I’m sorry all that happened to you.” She paused. “Did you have anyone you could live with
after she died?”
Lulu shook her head. “No. Gram was the only family I had. My father was her only child, and she was an only child. I never knew my mom’s family. After Gram was gone, I found out she’d taken loans on her house to raise me and owed the bank a lot of money. The day after her funeral, one of our neighbors stayed at the house with me until things got settled, and some lady came over that the school sent, and she said I was gonna have to live in a home until I turned eighteen and finished high school. They were moving me to a bad part of town, and I had to change schools and live with a bunch of girls that didn’t have families, and the whole thing sounded awful, and I was so scared. So the night before I was supposed to go with them, I just left the house and started walking. I didn’t stop until I reached the city, and I’ve been making my way ever since, here on the streets…that’s my story.”
Lulu eyes darkened. “I miss my gram. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish she were here. I’ve been through some really rough shit out here…but even through the worst of it, I was still able to find people who feed the good. Like you, Joon—you feed the good.”
Joon ran her fingers through her hair. “I never really thought about it like that, but I guess you’re right. I know what it’s like to be so broken that you wonder if the pieces will ever fit back together. It’s not something that I want others to feel.”
“You’re a good egg. I can feel it in my heart.”
Joon patted Lulu’s leg. “Thanks for sharing your story with me.”
Lulu shook her head. “I spent a long time grieving the loss of my gram. I know someday I’ll be with her again and that she sends good people to me to make up for the bad ones. How about you? How did you get on the streets?”
Chapter Sixty
Joon looked up to the ceiling. “I became homeless when I was twelve.”
Joon relayed the short version of her younger life, and when she finished, Lulu put her arms around her and the two held each other tight.
“You know,” Lulu said. “All of us on the streets have it hard. I’m sorry you suffered so much and that the system put you with such a bitch. That Aron woman, she’ll get hers someday. I’m convinced that mean people suffer at some point.”
Joon wrung her hands, thinking of Pug and the despicable acts she’d performed as a prostitute. “I’ve done some bad shit,” Joon admitted. “You know, I had to do things…to survive out here.”
“Hooking?” Lulu asked.
Joon nodded and twisted her body away from her friend.
“Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed about it. We all do stuff to get by.”
Joon crossed her arms over her chest. “Were you ever a hooker?”
“No. But I’ve just been lucky in that way. I’ve always been real careful about the people I get involved with, you know? I mean, I never got myself attached to a guy. Out on the streets, people will do anything to make a buck. So I’ve stayed single. I’ve known too many girls who got sucked into a relationship and ended up selling their bodies to keep their boyfriends fed.”
Joon pushed her feet out from under her and swung them briskly back and forth. Lulu tried to make eye contact, but Joon looked at the people passing by as if she were waiting for someone she knew.
“Is that what happened to you?” Lulu asked.
Joon’s shoulders slumped forward and her hair covered part of her face. “Yeah, something like that. I think the worst thing is that I lost a friend when I was there. At first, we hated each other, but then we became friends. Anyway, we need to make some money today. We better get going.” Joon didn’t want to talk about everything—not yet at least. She needed to trust Lulu more before she let her in. Plus, she couldn’t really talk about Tori—it could get her and Tony in trouble.
Night had fallen by the time Joon and Lulu walked back to the abandoned house. Joon looked up at the moon and watched the cloud of her breath as she exhaled deeply in the bitter cold.
“So, why does Fipple hate me?”
“Because you’re strong. She can sense it. We all can.”
Joon cocked her head, her eyebrows knitted together.
Lulu shoved her hands into her jeans. “You don’t even know it, do you? You give off this feeling of strength and…well, confidence. Until now, Fipple has always been the fearless one. I mean, we’re all strong in our own way, but there’s something about the way you carry yourself that lets others know that you have arrived. Fipple doesn’t like it. She’s threatened by you.”
Joon let out a distraught chuckle. “You’ve got to be kidding me. She feels threatened by me? That’s such a joke. I’m not any of those things that you think. I’m afraid of everything, and I have nothing to be confident about. In fact, I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was raised by a woman who treated me worse than an animal. I met a woman my first day on the streets, and after a while, she abandoned me. Then, I fell for a guy who screwed me over. And, to top it off, I was forced into prostitution. What the hell gives you the idea I’m strong? I am worthless, nothing…I don’t matter. That’s the truth of me. What you see on the outside doesn’t look the same on the inside.”
Lulu put her arm around Joon’s waist. “You don’t see things so clearly. All the things you’ve been through make you look at life through a different lens. It’s not all those things that make up who you are, Joon—it’s how you managed to survive all of those things and still be a good person. Those horrible things have given you the ability to see others in a way that a lot of people can’t. Do you understand?”
Joon shook her head. She had no appreciation for her own perseverance and resilience. But what Lulu said made sense to her and a small flame of hope ignited inside Joon’s heart.
Chapter Sixty-One
Joon’s eyes fluttered open. She looked at a broken light fixture in the center of the ceiling surrounded by exposed wood where the plaster had fallen away. She pulled her jacket tighter, but her hands were stiff and her fingers couldn’t grasp the canvas tight enough. The girl rolled onto her side and shimmied forward to nuzzle closer to Lulu. Her skin felt iced over, and she curled her body into a small ball.
Lulu stirred and opened her eyes. “It’s so fuckin’ cold I can barely breathe.”
Joon nodded and closed the distance between them.
Lulu got up on her elbow. “Girls, we gotta huddle before one of us freezes to death.”
The group of girls all moved closer, a pile of bodies, tightly fitting next to each other perfectly, to generate enough heat to keep them alive. Joon lay there for the next hour, unable to focus on anything but the bitter cold. Her body ached, and as she lay awake, Joon decided they needed to find a better way to get through the winter. A few minutes later, she got up.
Lulu raised her head. “Where are you going?”
“To find us something better than this. I can’t last another night freezing. I have an idea.”
Lulu quickly joined her. “Great! Where are we going?”
Joon gave her a warm smile. “To find some stuff to make this place livable.”
“What kind of stuff?” Lulu whispered.
“The kind of stuff to keep us from freezing to death,” Joon said, as she turned and started down the stairs of the abandoned home.
The girls walked carefully on the icy, uneven sidewalks. They remained silent, conserving their energy. Joon walked straight to a sporting goods store and stepped into the warmed building. Pins and needles covered her flesh as she stood at the entryway, waiting for her teeth to stop chattering. A few minutes later, she walked up to a counter where a boy of about sixteen was standing, observing the two girls.
“Hi,” Joon managed.
“Hi,” the boy said, looking them over and wondering what crime they had committed to bring them to their circumstances.
“We need to buy a tent and some really warm sleeping bags. Do you have anything cheap?”
He just stared at them.
“Well?” Joon asked, uncomfortable u
nder the boy’s judging stare.
“Yeah. Sorry. I’ll show you what we have.”
The girls followed him to the back of the store and listened as he talked to them about their tent options with price tags way out of their range.
“Do you have anything cheaper? On sale? Maybe something that’s broken but we can still use?” Joon asked.
The boy nodded and walked over to a shelf of damaged goods.
“This one is thirty bucks,” he said, lifting a torn box. “It’s missing one of the poles.”
Joon wrapped her arms around herself. “How about fifteen dollars?”
The boy shook his head.
Joon leaned in and looked at the boy’s name tag. “Ryan, please. Just ask your boss,” she said.
“Okay, wait here and I’ll see what I can do.”
A few minutes later, the boy returned with an older man named Mark. Mark’s sympathetic eyes roved over the girls, but he kept his arms crossed over his chest and stood at a distance.
“Ryan tells me you’re looking to buy this tent for fifteen dollars?”
“Yes, sir,” Joon said. “We don’t have a lot of money, and…and it’s really cold at night.”
The man’s shoulders drooped, and he ran his hands over his face. “I see. I think we can make fifteen dollars work.”
Joon’s entire face lit up. “We need some sleeping bags too, ones that’ll keep us really warm.”
The manager glanced at Ryan and rubbed the back of his neck.
Ryan smiled. “We have the ones in the back that were returned, ones with tears in them.”
Mark nodded. “Go get them.” He turned back to Joon. “How many do you need?”
Joon scratched at the burning skin on her cheek and softly shook her head. “We need six of them.”
Mark put his hands up in the air. “We don’t have that many that are damaged. We do have new ones over there…” He stopped midsentence, refraining from doing his normal sales pitch and flushing a deep crimson.
