by Paige Dearth
“How did you fail yourself?”
Joon inhaled deeply and sat up. “Because when I ran away from Aron, I left so I could have a better life. Somewhere along the way, I lost focus on getting to something better. Instead, I’ve done things I’m ashamed of, I live minute to minute. I don’t even own a blanket to keep me warm enough at night, and I have no clear way of getting out of this. That’s how I failed myself.”
Lulu folded her hands on the table in front of her and sat up straight. “Everything you’re saying is true. But you need to remember that you were just a kid when you got here…you’re still a kid. I see it differently. It is people and society who have let you down. You couldn’t turn to the system because they’d already fucked you over and left you with that whore, Aron. You couldn’t turn to other kids, because look how Quinn betrayed you. Even Fipple was a total bitch to us. I think you need to know what you wanna do or what you wanna be and then figure out how to get there. I always wanted to be a nurse. So, to do that, I gotta graduate high school and go to college. Even though I don’t know how I’ll do it, I just gotta start. I told you before I’m gonna take the GED. As soon as the weather warms up, I’m gonna figure out how to do that. I’m nineteen. Maybe the government will give me money, so I can rent a cheap place, and then you can come and live there with me. The point is, nobody’s gonna hand us anything—if we want something, we gotta work through all the stuff needed to get it.”
“You make it sound so different. You have a way of taking awful things, like your kidney problem, and being so sure that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. I don’t think like that. I wish I did. I’d probably be happier.”
Lulu leaned on her elbows. “Someday, you’re gonna figure it out. You’ll do something and you’re gonna know that you’re a good person, someone who other people will look up to.”
Joon shook her head. “I think you’re crazy, but whatever. Let’s hit the bathrooms and clean up.”
As Joon stood over the sink in the library bathroom, she watched as the flesh on her face started to appear from under the mask of dirt. It always amazed her how dirty she could get, to where she looked like she was someone different. As the new face emerged, Joon hoped that someday a face she could be proud of would look back at her from the mirror.
Chapter Seventy-Eight
The following week, Joon accompanied Lulu for her first overnight dialysis treatment.
When they arrived at the hospital, the nurse let Lulu take a hot shower before getting into her gown. Once in bed, she was covered with warm blankets, and two needles were inserted into the tube implanted under her forearm. Joon, who had reclined in the leather lounge chair next to the bed, watched her friend intently. After what seemed like an agonizingly long time, the dialysis machine was started, and the girls watched television until they both feel asleep.
In the morning, Lulu was released with medication she had to take every day. Before they left, Dr. Becker stopped in to see her and to confirm things they’d covered in their previous conversation. Then he added, “You’ll need to have dialysis three nights a week.”
“No way, Dr. Becker. I don’t wanna be here that much,” Lulu said, tears running down her cheeks. “If I’m in here, then I ain’t living.”
Dr. Becker gave Lulu a long, serious look. “I understand that this is something you may not want to do. Right now, I’m trying to save your life so that you can live. Haven’t I done everything to make you comfortable?” He paused and glanced at Joon, who stared at him wide eyed. “I would encourage you to look at this like a place for you and Joon to sleep three nights a week. Sometimes it’s how we view things that makes all the difference.”
Lulu was still crying, but she looked over at Joon, who smiled weakly and nodded. “Are you sure?” Lulu asked the doctor. “Hospitals kill people.”
Dr. Becker put both hands over his heart. “Thanks, Lulu. Now that really hurts.”
Lulu let out a nervous giggle that turned into a belly laugh and ended in deep sobs. Joon leaned into the bed and held her friend until the crying subsided.
“It’s okay,” Joon told her. “Dr. Becker is right. We need to look at this like a gift. It’s going to help you feel better, and as a bonus, we have a warm, dry, safe place to sleep three nights a week.”
Lulu hugged Joon tighter and looked up at Dr. Becker. “Fine. I’ll do it, but only because Joon agrees.”
Dr. Becker stood and smiled. “Good. I’m happy that’s settled.”
Lulu grabbed Dr. Becker’s arm. “One more thing though. You gotta tell these nurses to let Joon take a shower ’cause she smells like shit.”
“Hey, I don’t smell.”
“Um, yeah, you do. You smell really bad.”
The two girls laughed.
“Done,” Dr. Becker said, chuckling with them.
“Dr. Becker?” Joon said. “Can Lulu take one of my kidneys?”
Dr. Becker’s eyes darkened. “I’m sorry, Joon. You weren’t a match.”
Her heart felt like it stopped beating, but she regrouped quickly. “We have some other friends. Can they get tested too?”
“Sure. We can do that,” Dr. Becker said.
In spite of the news, when Joon and Lulu left the hospital later that morning, they were in good spirits. Lulu was feeling better than she had in a while.
“For the first time, I think in my whole life, I have something to believe in,” Joon said.
“Oh yeah? What?”
“That you’re gonna get better.”
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Joon’s nights at the hospital became a much-needed distraction from her life in the abandoned warehouse. She was grateful that she could take a shower regularly. After a month of showers three days a week, even the black around her fingernails faded.
When they weren’t in the hospital, Joon spent time at night trying to talk the other teens and adults in the warehouse into getting tested to donate a kidney. She was desperately trying to find a match for Lulu. Several had agreed, but by the middle of summer, there still wasn’t a viable kidney donor. Skinner and Gunther had been tested and, not being a match, tried get others to be tested, but for many homeless, jeopardizing their health was enough to keep them from helping.
As the months wore on, Joon recognized that Lulu was declining. She had a difficult time walking, which made moving around the city nearly impossible, and she had more bad days than good ones. The skin around her eyes swelled to where she became unrecognizable. Her feet filled with so much fluid she could no longer wear shoes. Joon was forced to buy her men’s slippers from the Salvation Army store. The sick girl was plagued with nausea and vomiting, and Joon spent whatever money she had trying to make Lulu comfortable, but she never felt like it was enough. In the warehouse, the others in their group became protective of Lulu, always making sure someone stayed with her when Joon had to be out on the streets, finding food or money.
One night in late August, Joon returned to the warehouse to find the group crowded around Lulu. She rushed over to see what was happening, and in the middle of the circle of kids, she found Lulu sleeping on her back, her breath rattling around in her chest.
“What happened?” Joon shrieked.
Scarlet spoke first. “We were hanging out like normal and Lulu was lying there. She was even talking a little. Then she sat straight up, and it was like she couldn’t breathe.” Scarlett rubbed the back of her neck. “Her eyes were bulging, and her lips turned purple. We were all freaked out ’cause we didn’t know what to do, so we helped her lie back down.” Joon started pacing, and Scarlett took a few steps away. “Rick kept telling her to breathe in and out. He did it for a long time, until she calmed down and could breathe normal again. Then she just fell asleep, and we’ve been watching her. It scared the shit outta all of us.”
Rick was sitting next to Lulu, and he looked up at Joon. “I’m not sure we can handle this, Joon. We’re not doctors. You know…we all talked about it, what would we do
if she dies here?”
“Shut up!” Joon screamed. “She isn’t dying. Okay? Lulu’s just going through a hard time right now. But she isn’t dying.” She looked into the faces of their new friends around the circle. They looked sad, but no one would meet her eyes. Joon’s adrenaline was pumping through her veins as she demanded, “What are you saying? Are you kicking us out of the group ’cause Lulu’s sick?”
Rick’s mouth turned downward. “We’re really sorry, Joon. But Lulu has been getting worse for weeks now. We all see it even though you can’t. None of us knows how to handle this, and we all agreed it would be better for Lulu if she was somewhere more, you know, comfortable.”
Joon put her hands on her hips. “No! What you mean is you all would be more comfortable if we weren’t here.” She looked at Scarlet for support, but the girl turned away from her.
Joon was so angry that her tears seemed to have been released by a faucet. “Fine! I need a little time to figure out where to take her.”
Rick’s chin dropped to his chest, and his shoulder’s slumped forward. “How long?”
Through tears, Joon gave him a bitter smile. “I’ll figure something out tomorrow.”
That night, while waiting for sleep to claim her, Joon lay nestled next to Lulu. Her friend hadn’t woken since Joon had returned to the warehouse. By morning, Joon had come up with a short-term plan. As the others woke, she was moving about the space, gathering the small amount of items they had collected. Finally, Lulu’s eyes opened slowly, and she gave Joon a weak smile.
Joon hurried over and brushed the hair from her face. “How are you feeling?”
“Weak, but I think I’m okay.”
“I heard you had trouble breathing last night when I wasn’t here.”
Lulu broke eye contact with Joon. “Yeah, but I’m fine now.” She pushed herself up on her elbows.
Joon extended her hands to help pull Lulu up into a sitting position. Then she maneuvered herself to sit behind her, so Lulu could lean against her.
“Here’s the thing,” Joon said, looking up and seeing the others listening. “We need to move outta here.”
“Why?” Lulu said, looking around and sensing the shame and guilt the others were feeling.
“Well, because I think we need to be somewhere more comfortable. I don’t think all the dirt in this shit hole is helping you—probably why you couldn’t breathe last night. Besides, I wanna be closer to the hospital, in case you don’t feel good.”
Lulu looked around the group and read their faces. “You all don’t want me here,” she said.
“It’s not that we don’t want you here,” Rick said, “We were all really scared last night. It’s like we told Joon: we aren’t doctors, and we don’t know how to take care of you. We thought you were gonna die.”
“So you think making us leave is the answer. I get it.” Lulu, fueled by embarrassment and disappointment, got to her knees. “Let’s get outta here.”
Joon put her hand up. “You’re gonna stay here. I have a plan. I just need a few hours, and I’ll be back to get you. I want you to save your energy for later today.”
Lulu tensed, getting ready to argue, but Joon put her hands on the girl’s shoulder and moved her face closer. “We aren’t arguing over this. It’s my final decision.”
“Fine,” Lulu said, disappointed but relieved at the same time. “But hurry up. I want outta here.”
Joon left shortly afterward with a calm determination. She was no longer angry at the others—she had shifted her energy to making her plan work.
Chapter Eighty
Joon made it to the river where Skinner and Gunther were staying for the summer. As she skidded down the embankment Skinner looked up and smiled.
“Hey, girl, what the hell are you doing here so early?”
“I need your help,” she said breathlessly.
“Is everything all right?”
The simple question unleashed her emotions, and Joon broke down and cried. Skinner took her into his arms, and Gunther held both of them.
“The group wants us out. Lulu couldn’t breathe last night, and they don’t want us around in case anything bad happens,” she sobbed.
Skinner stroked her hair. “Well, aren’t they a cheery group. I told you to stay here with us.”
Joon pushed her face into his chest. “We can’t. At least at the warehouse she doesn’t get wet in the rain. She needs as much shelter as I can find.”
“Okay, but now you have nowhere to go. Do you want to come here with us? We can figure out something to give her shelter. Right?” Skinner said, looking at Gunther.
Before Gunther could answer, Joon refused the offer. “No. I have another idea. I wanna take her back to the apartment complex. Remember when we slept in the hallways for a while? I need you two to help me get her there.”
“Sounds a little dangerous,” Skinner commented. “I mean, the last time you were there, you were out all day and only sleeping there at night. It doesn’t sound like Lulu feels good enough to be out all day.”
Joon looked down at the dirt and rubbed the back of her neck. “She’s not. But I thought if you two came over in the mornings, you could help me get her to Suburban Station. She can stay on a bench and I can panhandle. It’s all I can think of right now. Will you help?”
“Of course we’ll help. Let’s get moving.”
When they arrived at the warehouse, Lulu was sitting up, and relief washed over her face when she saw her friends coming toward her. “Where are we going?” she asked, sounding chipper.
Joon handed the few bags they had to Gunther. “We’re heading to Suburban Station for the afternoon. I gotta get some money together.”
“Then where?”
Joon gave Lulu a smile. “You know, you ask a lot of questions.”
“I need to keep my eye on you,” Lulu said, grabbing Joon’s hand.
“Suburban Station, then to the apartment complexes,” Joon said, avoiding eye contact.
Lulu stifled a moan. “And if we get caught there?”
“We won’t.”
Lulu held on tight as Joon steadied her. “What? You have a crystal ball now?”
Joon looked at Lulu and rolled her eyes. “You are the bossiest person I know.”
“It’s my job. I do it well, don’t you think?”
“I think that you are the biggest control freak I’ve ever met,” Joon joked.
“Ha! Whatever. Let’s get going.”
With Joon holding one of Lulu’s arms and Skinner holding the other, the group of four walked away. After only a couple of steps, Lulu said, “Wait.” She turned back to the group of teens they would probably never see again. “I know that I scared you last night, and it’s okay. I get it. Nobody wants to be around the sick girl. I’m not mad at you guys, and I hope that someday, if you’re ever sick, you have a friend like Joon.” With that, she turned, and they left the warehouse.
In Suburban Station, they sat Lulu on a bench. Even though it was hot outside, the weak air-conditioning in the station made Lulu shiver. Joon covered her with their blankets and turned to the two boys.
“Thanks for your help. Can you come back around eight to get us?”
“Yeah, we’ll be back,” Skinner said, putting his arms around her. “Everything is gonna be okay. You’re one strong bitch.”
Joon cracked a smile. “Yeah, I don’t feel so strong right now,” she whispered. She watched as the two boys walked out of the station hand in hand. When they were gone, she turned back to Lulu, who had drifted off to sleep again. With a loud sigh, she settled herself on the ground next to the bench and begged.
That night, as they approached the apartments, Joon insisted they go to a specific building.
“Why are we going to the one farther away when all these other buildings are closer?” Skinner asked her.
“Because when we stayed here the last time, I noticed the buildings in the back are filled with old people, and they don’t come out of their apart
ments as much.”
“Oh,” Skinner said. “That makes sense.”
Inside one of the battered buildings, they moved to the end of the long hallway on the second floor. They were as quiet as they could manage, hoping they would go unnoticed. With Lulu in the corner, Joon turned to the boys. “See you tomorrow?” she said quietly.
“Yeah, we’ll see you tomorrow. When is her next treatment?”
“Monday.”
“Oh hell. That’s two more days,” Skinner said.
“No shit. We’ll be fine. Just come back in the morning.”
Skinner and Gunther gave Joon a hug, and as she watched them leave, she felt the first rip in her heart.
Chapter Eighty-One
During the night, Joon felt someone standing over them, and her eyes snapped open to find an angry black woman looming over her. The woman was holding a broom over her head, and Joon instinctively put her body over Lulu to protect her.
“Get your drugged-up asses outta my hallway,” the woman growled.
Joon peeked at her and mumbled, “We don’t do drugs.”
“Oh really? Then how come your friend there looks like she’s stoned outta her mind?”
Joon positioned her body so she could look at the woman. “She’s sick. Please put the broom down. We just need a place where she can sleep.” Joon turned to Lulu and tucked the blanket under her chin.
Slowly, the woman lowered the broom. “Is that so? What’s wrong with her then?”
“Her kidney. She only has one and it’s failing.” Joon took in a long breath to hold back the tears that stung her eyes. She looked back at the woman. “Someone stole her other kidney.”
The old woman bent to put her face close to Lulu’s. She drew in a deep breath through her nose, then looked directly into Joon’s eyes. “Just ’cause I don’t smell no alcohol on her doesn’t mean you two ain’t high on something else.”
