by Paige Dearth
Joon nodded. “But I’m not ready for her to give up,” she said quietly. “I know she’s gonna come through this okay.”
“You can’t know that, child. You and her are like sisters. I ain’t known you for more than a day, and I can see how you are with each other. And that poor girl is trying to tell you that she don’t wanna fight no more. Sometimes people get tired, you know? They wanna just lie their head down and let God take care of ’em.” The woman was saying everything in a firm but quiet voice as she rocked Joon a little with the arm that was around her. “You need to listen to what she’s saying to you. I’m afraid if you don’t listen to her real close, she’ll leave this world and you won’t have told her the things she needs to know. The things she’s begging to hear from you ’cause you’re the only person on this earth who matters to her.”
“But I’m afraid. I want her to get better and if I give up, then so will she. If she can get a kidney transplant, then she’ll be okay. It can happen any day.” Joon slid her arms around Nellie’s broad waist. The woman was hitting a nerve. Joon knew in her heart that Lulu’s health had worsened, but the thought of losing her was unbearable—she preferred pretending not to know than admitting to where the future was clearly headed.
“Listen, God talks to people, and maybe He’s talking to Lulu. Calling her home. She probably don’t realize it, but she has the desire to be somewhere else. Lulu’s a young girl. She don’t wanna live her life sleeping and feeling sick. Hell, I’m an old woman and I don’t wanna live like that. You’re too busy trying to make her better to realize that all she wants from you is the safety and comfort of your love.” She took a deep breath. “All I’m saying is you need to listen a little closer to what she’s sayin’ and you need to put what you want aside. That’s what real love is about—helping others get what they need.”
Joon was crying again. “I know you’re right, but I don’t wanna lose her.”
Nellie stroked Joon’s hair. “If God’s ready for her there ain’t nothing you can do to stop it. But what you can do is help her get ready. You need to give her permission to go with grace and dignity. She don’t wanna leave feeling like she disappointed you, so it’s your job to release her of the guilt she’s holding in her heart.”
Nellie held Joon for a while longer. “You best go check on her. If the water cools, she’ll be freezing in there. There are towels in the hall closet.”
Lulu had a towel wrapped around her as Joon followed her out of the bathroom. Nellie was in her bedroom across the hall.
“Come here, girls,” Nellie said. Inside the dreary bedroom, the woman held out a flannel nightgown. “Put this on, Lulu. I think it’ll fit you. It used to be my daughter’s.”
Lulu took it and Joon helped slip it over her head.
“It’s so soft and warm. Thank you,” Lulu said.
“I got another one of those if you wanna wear it tonight,” Nellie said to Joon.
Joon took the garment from Nellie and undressed.
Nellie’s eyes narrowed. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Putting on the nightgown?” Joon sputtered.
“Child, go in that bathroom and get your ass in that tub. You need to clean yourself up.”
“Really? I can?” Joon said.
“Oh Lord. Yes, you can. Lulu and me don’t wanna smell your ass all night,” she said, breaking into a smile.
Lulu held her nose. “Yeah, girl, go wash off that stank.”
The three laughed. Lulu and Nellie watched as Joon crossed the hallway and closed the bathroom door behind her.
Lulu gazed at Nellie with a pained expression, waiting for the woman to speak.
“Joon’s gonna be okay and so are you. You got dealt a bad hand, and your friend don’t wanna accept that, but she will. Baby, you gotta do what’s right for you. Ain’t nobody else living your life, and only you know what’s best. Don’t mean it ain’t gonna be hard—always is for the people left behind—but life goes on. It doesn’t stop for nobody.” She walked over to Lulu and wrapped her in a warm embrace. “Let’s get you settled in, so you can rest. You go in for your treatment tomorrow and talk to your doctor about all of this. You tell him how you’re feeling and don’t hold back. Joon will understand. It may not seem like it now, but she will.”
Lulu wrung her hands together. “I feel so selfish just thinking about stopping my treatments. Joon and me, we’re a team. We were alone until we found each other. On the streets, it ain’t easy to find another human being that you can trust with your life. Everybody is competing to survive, so it’s the worst competition you’ll ever know. I mean, it’s not all bad, but in the end, it’s about survival, so sometimes we gotta do things that hurt other people, like steal their food or money. Not Joon and me though. We take care of each other because our love is stronger than our need to survive. Our love is our survival. It ain’t easy to find love out on the streets.”
Nellie pressed her fist to her lips while she got ahold of her emotions. “That’s some kinda love. I know people who live their whole lives without finding it.”
Lulu put her arm through Nellie’s. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, baby.”
“Where’s your daughter?”
Nellie put her hand over her own heart. “She died. She was addicted to drugs and it finally got the best of her. Police found her on a bench, overdosed.”
“I’m sorry, Nellie.”
“I’m sorry too, baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t help her. Lord knows I tried. That’s why I wanted to help you and Joon. You see, I just got myself a bed in a nearby nursing home. Gonna be going there in a few weeks. It’s hard for me here by myself, and now I can live around other people, so I won’t be so lonely. Besides, it’s getting harder to go to the store and cook my own food. The nursing home will take care of all that. A bed finally opened up.” She was silent for a moment before she continued. “I’m scared. I’ve been independent my whole life, but I figure I can make some friends and be happy. Maybe I’ll find a friend in there like you have in Joon.”
Lulu kissed the woman’s cheek. “I hope you do. You’re a good lady and you deserve to be happy. Not too many people would have taken us in.”
“I felt like it was my last chance to do something nice to help another human being. I’m glad I did and, for the time that you’re both here, maybe we can help each other accept what comes next in our lives.”
Lulu and Nellie walked into the living area together and waited for Joon to join them. Now Lulu knew their friendship with Nellie would be short-lived. When Joon came out, they crawled under the covers together.
Lulu and Nellie didn’t know that Joon had overheard everything.
Chapter Eighty-Five
On Monday, Joon prepared to take Lulu for her treatment. They spent the day relaxing with Nellie, and by late afternoon, Joon had packed their belongings and placed them by the door.
“Where will you girls stay tonight?” Nellie asked Joon while Lulu napped.
“We’ll stay in the hospital. She gets her treatment overnight. The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow, so I think I’ll take Lulu to Rittenhouse Square for a while. It’s real nice there. Lots of people to watch. It helps pass the time.”
“I’ll be staying here for a while longer, just about two weeks, so if you need a place, you can come back,” Nellie offered.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. I heard you tell Lulu you were going into a nursing home.” She had considered going back to Nellie’s but couldn’t bear getting closer to the woman just to deal with yet another loss. Her emotional state was fragile, and in her heart, Joon knew there was only so much she could endure.
Nellie nodded. “Best thing for me now. Took a long time to get a bed. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it, but seeing as I ain’t got no family, it makes sense.”
Joon wiped her palms on her pants to dry the puddle of sweat that had collected. “I’m happy for you, Nellie. You’re gonna make lots of friends
there.”
When it was time to leave, the girls hugged Nellie and thanked her for being so kind. Joon picked up their bags and Lulu held on to her arm. When they opened the door to leave, Skinner and Gunther stood in the hall, and Joon’s heart felt like it would explode when she saw them there.
Skinner stepped forward and grabbed their bags. “We thought you might want company walking to the hospital.”
Joon released a loud sigh as some of the tension drained out of her, and together they began their walk to the hospital. When they arrived, Joon and Lulu went to the overnight treatment center. Once Lulu was in bed receiving dialysis, Joon drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, Dr. Becker came in to talk. “Morning, girls. Sleep well?”
Joon stretched her arms and legs while Lulu put her bed up, so she could talk to the doctor. Her expression was serious, and Dr. Becker pulled a chair up next to her.
“What’s on your mind, Lulu?”
The girl glanced at Joon quickly, then proceeded. “Dialysis isn’t working. I’m getting worse every week. I’ve thought about this for a long time.” She took a long pause. “I’m thinking about stopping.”
The momentary silence in the room lay over them like a heavy wet blanket. Joon wanted to argue with Lulu, but before she protested, she remembered what Nellie had told her.
“That’s a big decision, Lulu,” Dr. Becker began. “However, it is your decision to make.”
“What do you think?” Lulu asked him.
“Your kidney is worsening, and you’re getting weaker. The sicker you become, the less likely a transplant will be successful.”
Lulu fixed her eyes on Joon, who was staring out the window. “Joon?”
Joon slowly turned back toward her.
“Give me your hand,” Lulu said.
Joon placed her hand in Lulu’s.
“This is a really hard decision. I know what you want me to do, but I’m losing the fight. I know this, and in your heart, you know it too. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to be a burden anymore.”
Joon was on her feet, leaning over the bed to hug her friend. “You’re not a burden.” A sob caught in her throat. “I love being with you. I would do anything for you.”
Lulu clutched her friend. “I need you to make this okay for me. I need you to understand my decision.”
Joon held her tighter. “I will do whatever you want,” she said solemnly.
Lulu gave Joon another squeeze, then pulled back a little to look at Dr. Becker. “I’m going to stop dialysis.”
Dr. Becker nodded. “It’s your choice.”
Joon was wrecked. She clung to Lulu as they cried and tried to console each other. “What…what happens now?” she asked the doctor.
“We will keep Lulu as comfortable as we can.”
“How long? How long before...?” Joon couldn’t finish her sentence.
“There’s no science to this. It could be weeks or even months. However, based on Lulu’s health, I’m more inclined to say weeks.”
“Oh God,” Joon moaned. She felt like a piece of her was dying too. She took several gulps of air. “Will she stay in the hospital? I don’t know where I can take her.” She touched Lulu’s forehead with her own. “I won’t let you die on the dirty streets. I’ll sell my body to get us a room if I have to.”
Dr. Becker cleared his throat. “Lulu, you’ll stay here. I’ll put you in hospice care. That way we can keep you as comfortable as possible. I know you hate being in the hospital, but I think it’s the best thing. Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” Lulu conceded.
Dr. Becker stood. “I’ll make the arrangements. I’m sorry, Lulu. I’m sorry that we couldn’t do more to help you.”
Together in the hospital bed, the girls shared a misery that neither could have imagined.
“I’m sorry I can’t fight anymore,” Lulu said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Joon’s heart twisted in her chest. “I’m sorrier that I can’t save you.”
Chapter Eighty-Six
Just ten days later, Lulu was struggling to stay alive. Joon hadn’t left her side since she’d entered hospice. Skinner and Gunther had visited every day, pretending to be cheery in an attempt to dissipate the grief that filled every nook of the room. Lulu’s breathing was labored, and Joon watched over her like a mother with her newborn child.
“Do you want your oxygen mask on?”
“No,” Lulu said in a weak voice. “I want to talk to you. I don’t have much time. I can feel death coming at me.”
“What does death feel like?”
Lulu gave a genuine smile. “It feels like pins and needles at first. Then, there’s this deep blackness that takes over. Suddenly, all the pain is gone, and I can see clearly, with laser focus. I remember all the things that made me happy and see the faces of all the people that loved me. I see them like they’re right here with me. Then everything begins to fade from black to gray to white, and that’s how I know I’m going home—to the only home that I’ll ever need.”
“You make it sound…nice.”
“It is nice, Joon. I’m not afraid anymore.”
Joon looked at Lulu, her mouth turned downward and eyes rimmed in red. “I’m so scared, Lulu. I want to die with you. I don’t think I can take more pain and loss. I’m losing one of the only people who ever loved me. I always lose the ones I love.”
“I’ll be with you always.”
Joon rubbed her hand gently up and down Lulu’s arm.
“I’m afraid, Lulu.”
“Of what?”
“Of being alone,” she sobbed.
“You’ll never be alone. You’re too easy to love.”
Lulu opened her eyes, and Joon could see her friend was free in a way she never had been before. There was a peacefulness that Joon envied, but she focused on the present, on what was happening right then—she wanted Lulu’s last moments to be filled with love and safety.
Joon climbed into bed with her friend, and the two turned toward each other and, in a moment, were wrapped in each other’s arms. “I love you,” Joon said.
“I love you too,” Lulu whispered back. Then she closed her eyes, and two minutes later, she was gone.
Joon remained in the bed, holding Lulu’s lifeless body, and felt her heart breaking. She howled loudly and uncontrollably until Dr. Becker came into the room and tried to gently pull her off the bed.
“No. Please. Just leave me.”
Dr. Becker’s heart broke for the girl. “Lulu’s gone, Joon. Let me help you.”
“No. No one can help me. Not you. Not anyone. Don’t you know she was all I had? I’m alone now. I have no one. I might as well be dead too.”
Dr. Becker sat with Joon for a long time, eventually coaxing her away from Lulu. As she sat in the chair across from the doctor, she bawled. The doctor leaned over and took her hand. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone. You’re one of the most remarkable young women I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. Will you promise to come back and visit me?”
“Ohhhh God, Dr. Becker, I’ll never get over this,” Joon wailed.
“No, you won’t. But you have to remember how much you meant to Lulu. She didn’t have to face this alone because of you. You tried so hard to save her, and in the end, you gave her the gift that every person needs when they are going to die—you shared her pain and suffering and made her death your own. I’m proud of you, Joon. You made a big difference in her life and you should carry that with you forever.”
Several hours later, Joon had pulled herself together enough to leave the hospital, and as she walked through the lobby, she heard a familiar voice call her name.
“Tony,” Joon said in a flat voice.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“My best friend just died,” Joon managed to choke out before a sob took her words.
Tony took her into his arms and let her cry on his shoulder for several minutes. After Joon gathered herself, she stood up straig
ht. “I’m sorry, Tony. Why are you here?”
“You know Donata. Well, these two sorry assholes came into the bakery today and beat her granddaughter, Ruth. You remember her?”
“Yeah, she’s a sweet kid. Is she okay?”
“She will be, but they fucked her up pretty bad. Anyway, I was just heading back to Donata’s to take care of some things.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Joon asked.
“Nah. Well, yeah, there’s one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“If you need me, I want you to find me. Understand?”
Joon nodded and sniffled as she wiped her still-damp face.
Tony lifted her chin with his index finger. “I know what it’s like to lose everyone and everything you got. I know exactly how you feel. It feels like life handed you a big shit sandwich and you had no choice but to eat it. That’s why I’m telling you to come and find me if you need my help. ’Cause you and me, we’re the same like that, you understand?”
“Yes. Thank you, Tony. I promise to find you if I need anything,” she said, leaning in to hug him again.
As they embraced, Skinner and Gunther approached. When Joon turned to face them, Skinner’s eyes were brimming with tears.
“She’s gone?”
“Yeah. It’s over.”
Skinner put his arm around Joon’s shoulder. “Come on, girl. You’re coming with me and Gunther.”
With a quick wave, Joon and Tony parted ways, Joon following the two boys as if in a trance, not knowing what would come next.
Chapter Eighty-Seven
Once they left the hospital, Joon followed the boys to Mallory’s house, where they had rented a room for five nights. Joon walked into the room and dropped onto the bed, where she cried silently until sleep overrode her ability to grieve. When she woke, Skinner was on the bed watching her.
“Hey,” he said gently.
