by Eden Finley
“Dad?” My heart stutters.
“I don’t want to be the one to bring down the mood. We’re happy for you, but … what about hockey?”
“My teammates know.”
He looks surprised.
“In fact, the whole school basically knows. I’ve been putting off telling you guys because … Shit, I don’t really know why. Maybe because I don’t care what anyone out there thinks, but I want you to be proud of me, and—”
“We are,” Dad says. “So proud.”
“We just worry,” Mom adds. “We’re allowed to, you know.”
“What about the NHL?” Dad asks.
“Still the plan. Always the plan.”
“And you’re prepared for whatever backlash you’ll face?”
“I’ll be signing as an out player. I’m not going to hide that.”
Dad nods. “I can’t tell you what to do, so I’ll support your decision no matter what, but … maybe think about it some more?”
I know he’s being supportive, and from a certain standpoint, I get it. Queer men in sports is still a hot-topic issue. It’s added pressure. It’s more scrutiny.
“I will,” I say even though my mind is already made up.
I don’t want to go into the NHL pretending to be someone I’m not. It might make achieving my goals ten times harder, but fuck it, I love a challenge.
We eat, but now there’s a weird vibe hanging over us. All things considered, it went well, but …
“I don’t think I should hide who I am to play a sport I love,” I blurt.
Dad puts down his cutlery and wipes his mouth with the fancy cloth napkins Mom only uses for special occasions. “Don’t misunderstand my concern for disapproval. You’re absolutely right. I don’t want you to have to hide yourself, but I don’t want you to make yourself a target either.”
It cuts deep that he has a point.
“You already did that enough with that Morris boy.”
Zach stiffens beside me.
“Speaking of which, the Vermont game is next week. Is there going to be a repeat of the preseason game?” Dad asks.
“No,” I mumble. At least, I don’t think so.
My gaze finds Zach’s, and he’s slumped in his chair with his head held low.
Maybe there will be a repeat.
I need to know what happened between them.
28
Zach
That was entirely unexpected and impressive.
And awkward.
I’m reeling. Foster came out to his parents and let them know we’re dating all at once. While I’m totally fine he told them, having all that attention directed toward me was the most uncomfortable I’ve felt in a long time.
And then Morris was mentioned.
I exhale heavily as I climb onto the mattress on the floor of Seth’s room.
“Can you believe Foster did that?” he asks.
“It was a big moment,” I agree, tucking my legs under the covers.
“He came out for you. That’s amazing.”
I quickly shake my head. “I know it might seem that way, but that’s not what that was. He’s wanted to come out for … well, years I think, but he’d never really known how to, umm, say it.”
“So it’s just a coincidence that he came out and then told them about you, then?”
Them. The Grants. They’d accepted me since four Thanksgivings ago when Seth first dragged me along. I’d thought it would be the most painfully awkward weekend, but his mom and dad and Foster had been amazing. Even if I hadn’t been able to say a word around any of them.
“We talked about it, but I made it abundantly clear that this weekend wasn’t about that. I was completely fine with him not saying anything.”
“Hmm …” Seth laughs.
“What?”
“I guess I never really believed him when he said he was serious about you—not because of you, nothing like that—but my brother is all about hockey, so he’s never had much time for serious relationships. This …” Seth waves a hand between me and the door as he steps over the mattress and climbs into bed. “Total surprise. Is it weird I’m hopeful you guys grow up and get married so I get to keep my best friend forever?”
I choke on a surprised laugh. “Too soon! That’s, ah, no. Let’s not discuss that.”
“I’ll be your best man, right? I’m claiming that role right now.”
“That’s enough.” My voice goes painfully high pitched, and I shoot a look at the door, expecting Foster to take that moment to barge in.
“Damn, it’s fun to embarrass you.”
“I’m glad you’re so amused.” I reach over and pinch his calf which dulls some of the glee on his face. “Looking at things objectively, I think we can both agree it’s unlikely for this to go much further than the end of the year. Like you said, Foster is hockey. I know nothing about the game, but I can tell by the way people stop to watch him that he’s … amazing. The NHL is his future, and I will never hold him back from that.”
Seth finally sobers up. “I know you won’t.” He scrubs a hand through his hair and loosely links his arms around his bent knees. “If he’s signed, couldn’t you follow him?”
“Logistically, of course. The problem is, starting at another new campus is terrifying, and if I couldn’t obtain a TA position that covered housing, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.”
“If Foster’s earning big bucks in the NHL, he’d pay.”
“I’d never let him. This year was about developing some independence, and I feel like I’m doing that to a degree.”
“So, what … you’re in the relationship, getting attached, knowing that it’s going to end?”
“Yes.”
“That’s …” He shakes his head. “So unlike you. How are you okay with that?”
I shrug. “I really like him. I like spending time with him. It doesn’t make sense to me to lose all that prematurely.”
Seth’s still confused. I can’t explain it wholly, all I know is that no matter what happens now, Foster is finally free of the secret he’s been holding onto for so long. That won’t change if we break up, and I’m legitimately happy for him. I already know that this time next year I’m unlikely to have him anymore, so I’m determined to take all I can before we have to move on.
I’m trying to be logical about this.
It makes me feel sick.
“No matter what,” I say, sinking down onto the mattress and trying to get comfortable, “things between you and me won’t be affected. You’re separate people. If Foster and I break up, we stay strong.”
“Good.” He switches off his lamp.
The darkness is peaceful, but no matter what I do, I can’t get comfortable. I’ve slept on this same mattress more times than I can count—every holiday besides Christmas and all summer—and I’ve never had an issue with it before.
It’s like my body knows how close Foster is and refuses to accept anything but being curled up beside him.
“You’re really gonna stay in here, huh?” Seth asks.
“Yes. Foster coming out doesn’t change things. I told you I was spending time with you this weekend.”
“And I’m holding you to it. Thing is, if I’m taking up your time during the day, wouldn’t it make sense that you’re with him at night?”
Those are all excellent points. But Foster was so damn cocky I’d end up in his room, it’s almost a matter of pride now. No matter how desperately I want to sneak in there.
A pillow hits my face.
“What on earth?”
“I can hear you thinking about him, and I don’t want those kinds of thoughts in my room.”
“I’m not … thinking about that.”
“There’s a delicate balance. You’re messing with it. I think you should leave. Now.”
“Seth—”
“And you snore. It’s terrible. Please go and subject Foster to that shit.”
“I snore?”
“Bad.”
&
nbsp; It takes all my self-control not to laugh. “And after three years of sharing a dorm you’re only now mentioning it?”
“I tried. You could never hear me over the minor earthquake shaking our room.”
“You’re unbelievable.” I laugh but kick out from under the covers. I really don’t need much convincing. “I guess I should go keep Foster up all night then.”
“Gross.”
“With my snoring. Obviously.”
“Obviously.” He groans. “For the sake of my sanity, keep it the fuck down.”
“You wanted this.” I creep to the door and crack it open. “Anything you overhear is on you.”
Another pillow hits my back before I duck out into the hall. Seth doesn’t need to worry though. There is no way I’m doing anything sexual while Foster’s parents are downstairs. I can barely look his dorm neighbors in the eye thinking they’ve heard us.
I hesitate right outside Foster’s door, knowing that I’ll never hear the end of this.
Then again, being able to touch him seems like a fair trade.
I’ve barely opened the door when Foster speaks.
“Took you long enough.”
I smile in the dark at his cockiness. “Tell the truth. You were beginning to worry, weren’t you?”
“That you could resist me?” He snorts. “Please.”
“I can turn around and walk right back out.”
“Go for it.”
His tone is so confident, I wish I could. I really want to prove that he’s not as irresistible as he thinks he is.
Except there’s one problem.
He most certainly is.
“Damn it,” I whisper.
Foster laughs as I creep closer to the bed, but I have no clue where I’m going. His phone light suddenly cuts through the darkness and my steps pull up short. He’s sitting up in bed, shirtless, and the shadows are making his abs even more defined than usual.
“Are we admitting I win then?” His smile lights up the room brighter than his phone.
“Was there ever a doubt?”
“Never. But I still want a prize.”
“Nuh-uh. No sex stuff in your parents’ house.”
“That’s okay.” His gaze tracks down my body, making my resolve falter. “But my bed has one rule.”
“If you say naked—”
“You’ve gotta be naked.” He sounds regretful. “Sorry, Zach. I don’t make the rules.”
I lift my eyebrows. “Must be such a pain to enforce.”
“Why don’t you come in here and find out.”
I try to shake my head, but the movement is jerky and stiff. “There’s no way I can be naked around you.”
“Zach.” Foster gasps. “I never took you for a rule breaker. Wow. My boyfriend is such a rebel.”
“And mine is an idiot,” I deadpan. But I reach for the hem of my shirt and pull it off as slowly as I can. His heated stare is so hot I’m already tenting my briefs before I peel those off too.
“There.” He clears his throat. “Wasn’t so hard, was it?”
I wave a hand toward my erection. “Poor choice of words.”
“Look, we match.” As I climb onto the bed, he flips the covers back to prove he really is naked. And we really do match.
His body is warm as I curl up with him and chuckle into his shoulder. “Still no sex.”
“Hmm …” He turns a little so our faces are close. “Well, look at that.”
“What?”
“This is another first for me, I guess. Sleeping together with no sex. Well, sober at least.”
“Wow. You’re so inexperienced.”
He smiles and brushes a kiss over my lips. I want more. Sweet Jesus, I want so much more. Being in his arms is already hard enough, and if we manage to get through the night without getting each other off, it will be a miracle.
“So … the Vermont game,” he says.
And there goes my boner. I can’t help the way Morris slips into my head, but I don’t want him to have any room between me and Foster.
“What about it?”
“You’re coming to watch, aren’t you?”
“Of course.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I’m sure that’s not all he has on his mind. “What if I wanted my prize to be for you to tell me what really happened between you and Morris?”
My whole body stiffens. Well, except for one organ that’s checked completely out of this conversation. “I-I told you.”
“Then why do I feel like it’s not everything? You tense whenever he’s mentioned.”
“He’s not a nice person.”
“Zach, I’m going crazy over here. My imagination is getting to the point where it’s probably worse than what happened. There’s every chance I’ll see him next weekend and beat him into the ice.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I don’t want to do that. I didn’t plan to last time. We weren’t even together then, but the second I pictured him shoving you, I saw red.”
“You’re adorably protective.” I snuggle in closer, trying to stop the mad way my heart is hammering. I did tell Foster what happened. For the most part. But the truth is something I haven’t shared with anyone, not even Seth. I’d promised myself if he tried it again, I’d go straight to the dean, but he never did.
Foster suddenly shakes his head. “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, and if you say that’s all that happened, I believe you.”
I bite my lip. “If that’s all that happened, are you going to be okay to play next weekend?”
“Fuck, I don’t know.” He suddenly lets go of me and sits up. “I can’t shake the feeling that I want to kill the guy.”
I curl up into a ball and lean back against the metal bed frame. Foster’s already made a big enough mistake when it comes to hockey, and like I said to Seth, I never, ever want to get in the way of everything he’s worked so hard for.
“I want you to make me a promise.”
He spins to face me. “What?”
“I can’t tell you until you promise. You have to trust me, like I’ll be trusting you to keep your word.”
His whole face scrunches as he scowls. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”
“That’s the deal.”
Our eyes clash, and I force myself to hold his stare and not back down, no matter how my insides are twisting over each other. I swallow. I wait. The tension stretches so thin I’m about to give in.
Foster lets out a long sigh and shifts back so he’s sitting next to me. “I’m not gonna like this am I?”
“No. But it’s probably not as bad as you think.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
I laugh and reach for his hand before linking our fingers together. “Promise if I tell you, you won’t go after him.”
“You’re killing me.”
“No, I’m trusting you.”
He thinks for a moment. “I … promise.”
Okay, now comes the hard part. “You already know about the bullying. That was probably the worst part because it went on all year.” I swallow back the lump that’s trying to form. “I don’t talk about why though because I’ve put it behind me and it makes me feel like I’m rehashing drama.”
“I need you to get to the point a bit faster. Please.” His tone feels as strangled as my gut does.
“Okay, yes, fine.” I go to play with my glasses then remember they’re in Seth’s room. “I went to a party with Seth at the start of our junior—well, my senior, I guess—year.” Foster’s hand tightens in mine but thankfully he doesn’t interrupt. “Seth was talking to a girl, and I went to grab a drink to try and enjoy the night when Morris found me in a hall. There were people around, so I wasn’t worried, and at first, he was only talking. It was sort of weird and about random things, and I didn’t know what was happening. I don’t know if you know this, but I kind of suck at social cues?”
“You? Really?”
I shove him. �
��I didn’t realize … I didn’t know he was trying to …” I’m still unclear how he backed me into that corner. “He tried to kiss me. And I say tried because he was mostly slobbering all over my face, but then he kind of boxed me in and shoved his tongue into my mouth.”
Foster’s nostrils flare, and I swear if I wasn’t holding onto him right now, he’d already be out of bed and hunting Morris down. “I will fucking kill him.”
“You promised.”
“That’s why he bullied you? Because you rejected him?” Foster’s voice is too loud, and I hurry to shush him.
“No. He bullied me because I fought back.”
Foster’s rage dims. “What? What did you do?”
I’m relieved to find Foster’s voice has softened, and even though he still looks mad, I can tell he’s fighting back a smile.
“The only thing I knew how to do. I kneed him in the balls and ran away.”
Foster’s mouth hangs open.
“I’m small and weak, so he probably wasn’t expecting it.”
“Zach …”
“I suspect after that I became a target because he wanted to prove it was a fluke. Or, I dunno. Maybe he was panicking about kissing a dude at a party and wanted to torment me into not saying anything. I didn’t fight back again because I had the feeling he was looking for an excuse to beat the crap out of me. Either way, his fear tactics worked.”
Foster grabs me and hauls me over so I’m straddling his lap. I’m sure he’s about to kiss me but instead, he pulls me into a tight hug.
“I’m okay,” I assure him.
His arms tighten. “Maybe I’m not.”
“Foster …”
“It’ll never happen again.”
I run my fingers through his hair. “That’s sweet, but you can’t promise that. And I don’t want you to. Being responsible for myself is one of the many reasons why I chose CU for my graduate degree.”
The smile Foster’s been fighting breaks free as he shifts me so we can both lie down again. “Sounds to me like you already had it under control. How about you consider me your backup?”
“I guess backup is never a bad thing.” I roll over and pull his arms around my waist while he buries his face in my neck.
And yes, I think having backup is acceptable. For however long it’s going to last.
