by Sarah Noffke
Let’s see what I have lying around, Lunis mused. How about Pet Sematary, The Exorcist, The Haunting of Hill House, Dracula—
You’re not helping, Sophia breathed and noticed how the dim light coming through the trees overhead made weird shadows on the forest floor. How about you read me something calming?
Oh, I could read Bell’s diary, Lunis offered. That’s the most boring thing in the world.
Bell keeps a diary?
It’s more of a log of events and since she does nothing but sit on her—
Wait, I think I see something, Sophia interrupted when she noticed a light up ahead in the dark woods. There was also the sound of rushing water. The bridge had to be up there. She hurried to navigate through the trees, moving quickly now.
She pushed through a mess of vines and thick brush. The moving water grew louder and now the crackling of fire accompanied it. The light was bright and right up ahead.
Sophia nearly tripped on a thick vine as she shot forward through a veil of thorns that scratched her hands and face. She jerked her head up as the momentum sent her ahead but came to a swift halt, not expecting the sight that greeted her at the start of the bridge.
Chapter One Hundred Fifteen
Sitting on a tree stump at the bridge entrance that Sophia was looking for with a lantern sitting on a table beside him was a gnome.
It was so unexpected that it made Sophia’s heart speed up. She’d expected a demon or an angry troll or a possessed witch, but the gnome wore a pleasant expression that unnerved Sophia more than if he’d scowled at her. It all seemed like a strange trick, and she was instantly paranoid.
“Hey,” she greeted the gnome who, like her, wore a trapper hat that obscured most of his head. A thick fur coat covered him and his rosy cheeks made her think of Quiet when he came in from his morning chores before breakfast.
“Hey.” He waved at her.
She didn’t see any reason to bother the gnome, so she simply stepped around him, grateful to see that the forest thinned on the other side of the bridge. However, the trail looked like it turned steep suddenly so she’d probably have to climb up to Virgo Cave.
When she was about to set foot on the structure that crossed the rushing cold rapids below, her boot met an invisible wall. It was like she’d tried to cross the barrier that the Rogue Riders had up. Suddenly she wondered if there was another soul stone that she needed to get to the cave that had the other soul stones. That seemed confounding.
Sophia pulled back her foot and kicked gently, confirming that there was a wall she couldn’t pass to get onto the bridge.
She looked down at the water and thought for a moment about trying a less conventional way of getting across. However, the distance between the banks was at least fifty yards, and the water was no doubt frigid. Even using magic, she would be taking a deadly risk.
Finally, she realized that she had to turn to the only person who could offer a solution. She spun and looked at the gnome, who regarded the empty table with the lantern on it with mild interest.
“Excuse me,” Sophia began and pointed at the bridge. “Do you know the trick to get across?”
“Yep.” The gnome thumped his tiny fist down on the table.
“Can you tell me what it is?” Sophia asked. “I need to get to the other side. Do I need to battle a monster or solve a puzzle? I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“That’s good to hear because it will require a great effort from you,” the gnome explained. “But no, there are no dangers except to your organs.”
Sophia blinked at him in confusion. “Say what?”
The gnome spread his arm across the table, and a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses materialized. “You have to outdrink me. If you do and remain standing, you can cross the bridge—well, if you can still walk.”
Chapter One Hundred Sixteen
“Wait, that’s the challenge?” Sophia asked in disbelief.
Oh, man, why did I get left at home for this mission? Lunis complained in her head. No one can outdrink a dragon.
You don’t drink, Sophia countered.
That’s because alcohol runs in my blood. I’m Scottish, after all.
Well, you’re not here, so you’re going to have to talk me through this. Something tells me that gnome can handle his drink better than me despite his small size.
You could try using a sobering spell, Lunis offered.
“Yes, that’s the challenge,” the gnome stated and indicated a seat that had appeared on the other side of the table. “You can’t use magic. No spells to keep you sober. The only way to win is to drink me under the table.”
“Okay.” Defeat crushed down on her. She didn’t know how she would do this without using magic, but she had to try if it was the only way to cross the bridge.
I’ll keep you sober, Lunis encouraged.
How is that?
By providing sobering facts throughout, he supplied.
Oh wow, that’s supposed to help?
It will, Lunis stated. You have to keep your wits about you, and the best way is for me to be your Debbie Downer. I’ll do for you what all the elder dragons do for me.
This is teamwork at its finest, Sophia joked.
“Okay, so how does this work?” she asked the gnome.
He extended a gloved hand to her. “With an introduction. My name is Gillian.”
She shook his hand. “I’m Sophia Beaufont.”
“It’s a pleasure.” Gillian snapped his fingers, and the two shot glasses filled with clear liquid. The same amount receded from the bottle.
He took the glass closest to him and held it up. Sophia took hers and raised it.
“Na zdorovje,” Gillian stated.
“Cheers,” Sophia returned, thinking that was the equivalent to what he said.
He threw his head back and took the shot in one swift drink. Sophia copied the movement, her throat and stomach instantly burning. She was certain that the discomfort contorted her face horribly.
Gillian simply smiled as though he enjoyed the drink. Sophia couldn’t think of anything less enjoyable, but to her relief, it did warm her slightly.
“Another?” Gillian asked.
She nodded but wondered how she would get through this.
Sooooo, Lunis drew out the word. There’s a whale called 52 Blue that might be the only one of its kind. 52 Blue travels the seas solo, and he sings at different frequencies to attract other whales.
Sophia slumped. That’s so very sad.
Sobering, one might say, Lunis replied, an edge of mischief in his voice.
She found herself smiling. Yes, that’s a real sobering fact.
The gnome snapped his fingers, and the shot glasses refilled.
He picked up his glass and held it up. “Na zdorovje.”
This time Sophia simply nodded in return. Not wanting to be outdone, Sophia didn’t wait for him to take his drink before she pressed the glass to her lips and downed it immediately.
It scorched her insides and made them suddenly feel on fire. Sophia kept her mouth open after the shot, feeling like a dragon breathing fire.
Gillian simply ran the back of his hand over his mouth and looked refreshed by the experience.
Sobering fact, Lunis said in a robotic voice. Cuckoos are known to trick other birds into raising their young by laying eggs in their nests. The baby cuckoo birds grow faster than others and can force the smaller chicks out.
Sophia blinked, suddenly feeling very much awake. That’s horrible.
That’s life, Lunis muttered.
“More?” Gillian asked.
“For sure.” Sophia nodded.
She then had five more shots. All of them made her instantly feel drunk, followed by sick, then a little sleepy. Then Lunis would tell her something that made her forget it all. When Sophia learned that nearly-extinct pandas often have twins, but the mother can usually only care for one and abandons the other, she felt stone-cold sober.
The gnome on the other h
and swayed back and forth. His eyes were red and his speech slurred.
This is the worst drinking game ever, she muttered to Lunis.
We definitely aren’t playing it at my Halloween party, he stated.
She was starting to think he deserved this party.
I heard that, he exclaimed in her head.
Sophia shook her head. Keep providing the sobering facts. The gnome looks close to passing out.
Ask for a double shot, Lunis advised.
Are you sure? What if I can take him out with one more? I don’t want to have an extra shot if only one will do it.
Trust me, Lunis encouraged. Two in quick succession will put him over the edge. If you space them out, then you’ll have to do double that many to bring him down.
Sophia agreed. “Let’s do two back-to-back.”
Gillian swayed back like he might topple over, then righted himself. “Good idea.” He tried to snap his fingers, but it wasn’t effective. Twice more he attempted it. Finally, he lifted the bottle and clumsily poured four shots after he’d manifested two more shot glasses.
He smiled at Sophia as he held up both glasses in either hand. “Na zdorovje.”
“Cheers.” Sophia held her glasses, but this time she didn’t drink them. Instead, she let Gillian throw his back and waited.
He took the shots one after the other, then wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Then seeing the full shots in her hand, he pointed an accusatory finger at her while still clutching his glasses. “Hey! No fair, you didn’t—”
The gnome’s words cut off when he rocked back and fell over, landed on his side, and immediately started snoring. Sophia stretched. She felt a little woozy but good enough. She shook her head and looked down at the little gnome who seemed peaceful enough, sleeping beside the bridge.
I feel bad leaving him here, Sophia told Lunis. I wish I had a blanket to cover him.
If you feel bad now, wait for your next sobering fact, he stated.
Sophia shook her head. No, I was successful. No more sad stuff.
She hurried for the bridge but paused at the threshold. However, to her relief, she didn’t meet a barrier when she stepped onto it, granted access to cross after out drinking Gillian. It was the strangest challenge she’d ever had to complete, which made her wonder what could be up ahead waiting for her.
Chapter One Hundred Seventeen
Sophia wasn’t as sober as she thought once standing. Walking was harder than it should have been.
The chi of the dragon is helping, Lunis offered in her head.
Nice. So the chi of the dragon makes me stronger, healthier, more resilient, and have a higher tolerance.
You’re welcome, he sang.
The cold wind that wafted across the bridge was a welcome sensation on her hot skin. She considered taking off layers, thinking that she was close to sweating.
She found herself giggling at nothing in particular when she was almost to the end of the bridge. Sophia realized she probably looked like a weirdo, staggering across a bridge in the middle of nowhere, chuckling to herself and taking off layers in the frigid temperatures. She was simply grateful that no one was there to witness her nonsense.
As she was about to set foot on the ground on the other end, an abrupt hand raised in front of her face made her halt. If Sophia had been at all sober, she might have seen it coming, but at this point, she might not see a Mack truck coming. She hoped that whatever came next wasn’t a duel because she would most definitely lose that round—and her life.
She backed up a few paces, blinked at the figure in front of her, and waited for her vision to fix itself. Currently, the man…or what she gathered was a man, was a blur. Sophia opened her parched mouth. Her tongue stuck to the roof, and she shook her head.
Finally, the figure swam into view. It was a man. He was tall and slender, and wrinkles marked his serious face. His blue eyes gave her a discerning look.
“To get off the bridge, you must tell me a joke that makes me laugh,” he said in a thick Russian accent.
Sophia sort of wanted to lie down but stayed standing. “Is this real?”
He nodded. “My name is Boris, and I’m the last challenge you must face to get to Virgo Cave.”
Sophia drew in a breath. “So let me get this straight.” She waved a finger in the air. “I had to outdrink a gnome to get onto the bridge, and now I have to make you laugh to get off the bridge?”
He nodded with his hands in his pockets. “That’s correct. And I’m not an easy audience.”
“Well, I didn’t know that Russians could laugh,” she said, not earning the reaction she expected. “Sorry, the drink has gone to my head.”
“By design,” Boris stated.
Me! Me! Me, Lunis exclaimed in her head. This is so my deal. Repeat everything I say.
Sophia shook her head in reply to her dragon, which made Boris frown at her. “That gesture was for the dragon talking in my head,” she explained and pointed at herself, her words slurring.
“You’ll probably want to go back the way you came because you’re not crossing that bridge,” he said, not at all amused.
“Oh, yeah?” Sophia challenged. “I have a sword.”
She went to reach for it, but her hand went right past it, and she nearly fell on her face. She was in no position to fight anyone. Not a defenseless monk or a no-nonsense Russian.
“So, a joke…” she said, thinking.
Me, Lunis begged. This challenge was made for me.
Sophia shook her head again. “But they’re supposed to be funny,” she said aloud, making Boris frown.
“What’s supposed to be funny?” he asked.
She pointed at her head. “Again, I’m talking to my dragon.”
He nodded. “Sure, whatever you like to call your brand of crazy.”
“Lunis,” she supplied. “That’s what I call him.”
Okay, I have the best jokes. Tell him this one. Lunis whispered a joke of sorts in her head.
Sophia staggered and secured her balance on the bridge railing. “Okay, have you heard the one about the suicidal arsonist?”
Boris shook his head, total seriousness in his eyes.
“Yeah, well, he burned himself at the stake.” She laughed at the joke.
Boris however did not. He simply blinked at her.
Sophia regained her composure and drew in a breath. “Okay, I’m only getting started. My dragon has lots of these.”
Boris regarded her with a dull expression, not at all amused.
“You know,” Sophia began, “you never want to accept a drink offered by the Russian president.”
“Why is that?” Boris asked, quite seriously.
“You don’t know what Vladimir Putin.”
The Russian shook his head. “You do know what funny means, right?”
She nodded, feeling giddy from the vodka. “Okay, here’s another one. If pronouncing my b’s and v’s makes you sound Russian, well, soviet.”
Boris pointed across the bridge. “Is there any more of that vodka left? I could use it.”
Sophia glanced over her shoulder. “I don’t think so. You want to go check, and I’ll mind your post?”
He shook his head. “You make me laugh, or you don’t cross. That’s the rule.”
“How many have crossed?” Sophia asked.
“None in my lifetime,” he replied.
“Awesome,” she said through a big yawn. “I love my job.”
If none had crossed, then Sophia wondered how the Rogue Riders had gotten their soul stones for the barrier.
There’s always more than one way up a mountain, Lunis supplied.
Literally and figuratively in this case, Sophia stated with a dry laugh.
Ha-ha, the blue dragon said with zero inflection.
Maybe I should turn around and find the path that they used, Sophia offered. I think I’d rather have to fight a huge and dangerous monster than have to make a Russian laugh.
I think you’ve alre
ady come this far and out drank the gnome, Lunis suggested. Just give me a minute and I’ll find the right joke to have this guy rolling from laughter.
Sophia paused, waiting to learn the next joke from Lunis.
Do they all have to be Russian jokes? she asked him.
Yes, he stated. They are prideful people, and if anything, they want to laugh at themselves.
Sophia nodded, cleared her throat, and prepared to tell Boris the joke. “Okay, did you know in Soviet Russia, bullets dodge you?”
Boris simply shook his head.
“You know in Soviet Russia, computer reboots you,” Sophia tried again.
Boris crossed his arms in front of his chest, his face stone.
I need better jokes, Sophia urged Lunis.
These are gold, he complained. Try this one.
Sophia shook her head after listening. That’s awful.
Do it, he encouraged.
“Okay, I think that Russian Roulette is easy,” she said to Boris.
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Because I don’t know anyone who has lost,” she stated.
He lowered his chin and gave her an impatient glare.
So maybe I don’t need the soul stones, she said to Lunis.
You need them. We’re going traditional.
What does that mean?
Repeat after me, and do everything I say.
“Knock, knock.” Sophia took a step forward so she was close to Boris.
“Who is there?” He apparently knew how this joke went.
“The KGB,” Sophia replied.
“The KGB wh—”
Sophia slapped Boris in the face, interrupting him. “We will ask the questions around here.”
Boris’ face went slack. His eyes widened. Sophia thought he would murder her right there on the spot, and due to the alcohol, he might be able to. It was the vodka that had made her bold enough to slap a stranger, all for a joke. However, to her utter astonishment, his face transformed and he opened his mouth, laughing loudly.
“A good old KGB joke,” he said through a booming laugh that echoed for miles. “That always gets me. And paired with a classic knock, knock. You are very clever.” Still laughing, Boris stepped to the side and cleared the path. “You may pass. Virgo Cave is straight up.”
