by Brisa Starr
“Yeah,” he says, turning to face me more. “So, I’ve got news. I’m gonna be here for about a month. Maybe two.”
My world stops.
A month?
Holy…
This changes everything. Right?
Wait. Is this good news or dreadful news? Why is he staying for a month? And if he stays for a month, and we keep seeing each other... can I handle being just friends for so long? Or will we take it to the next level and forget the whole friend thing?
I rub my chin, and my mind races as I try to solve the puzzle of what will happen to us?
But, deep down, I already know the answer.
The answer is just friends.
Because after a month, he’ll still leave.
“Why for a month?” I ask.
“Maggie needs me. My mom needs me. I’ve been shirking my son and brother duties for too long. I never would’ve guessed I’d agree to stay a month. But you’re here, and with my sister on bed rest. It ma…”
“Wait. What?”
Because I’m here?
Because his sister is on bed rest?
Ignoring the statement about me, I ask, “Maggie’s on bed rest?”
“Yeah. The doctor wants her to rest until she delivers her baby, to prevent a premature delivery.”
“Wow, I hope she’s OK,” I say, surprised, and scrape my fork on the plate to get every last bit of cheesecake, as I process all this new information.
“She’s fine, albeit cranky about being stuck in bed. But she’s ready to deliver the baby and be done with pregnancy. She’s over-the-moon excited that I’ll be staying, and so is my mom.
“I agreed to stay for a month because Maggie is concerned Mom will need me around for a while. And with Maggie on bed rest, and soon to have a baby, she can’t babysit my mom, too.”
“That makes sense.” Inside, my yellow butterflies do the tango. “Well, I’m glad you’ll be around longer,” I admit and smile at him.
“Me too,” he says and grins back. “And the reason I can’t run with you tomorrow is because I’m leaving early in the morning to drive back to Long Beach. I need to get Blitz, some clothes, and a few things so I can set up an office here. So, I’m driving home tomorrow morning, and I should be back Tuesday mid-morning.”
“Blitz? What’s Blitz?”
“Only the best dog in the world,” he says, and his eyes grow wide, like it’s crazy that I haven’t heard of his dog. “He’s a German shepherd, and he’s such a good boy! He loves going to the beach and running in the waves. He chases the seagulls, but he never catches them.”
I can see how much Blitz means to him, as his face fills with the joy of a child getting his first puppy.
“I didn’t expect to be here this long, so I left him with one of my business partners.”
“I can’t wait to meet him!” I say, matching his enthusiasm.
“You’ll love him! Anyway, I’ll be back in two days, and we can start our daily running date,” and he says the word date with extra emphasis. I think.
We finally decide to leave Sally’s, though we’re having fun and wish we could stay longer. He drives us back home, and I say, “Just park in your driveway, I can walk,” I chuckle.
“OK, but I’m walking you to your front door,” he says, which, again, I don’t understand why if we’re just friends.
As promised, he walks me to my front door.
“I have a confession to make,” I say before I can stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. Curiosity dances in his eyes, and I bravely continue, “And, since we’re friends, I figure I can tell you, and then we can laugh about it.”
“I can’t wait to hear this,” he says and steps closer to me.
Before I lose my nerve, I blurt out, “Do you know that pretty much all my life, I had the biggest crush on you?”
Stunned, he takes a step back and says, “No way.” A sly smile spreads on his face.
“Yes way.” I blush. “In fact, I even wrote about you in my journal, for like, years. I was certifiably, borderline obsessed.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, I used to stand by that window,” I say and point to it. “I’d watch you every chance I could. It was so bad, I wore a hole in the carpet in what I called my ‘I Spy Luke’ spot, and my dad had to put a rug over it. He thought the cat did it.”
I neglect to mention how I stood there spying on him just last week when he arrived.
He laughs hard, but I can tell he’s pleased at my confession. “Surely, as friends, there’s some way I can tease you about this,” he says, his eyes flashing five shades of green.
I laugh and bite my lower lip, and tapping into my courage, I say, “So, friend, I have a favor to ask of you.”
He takes a step closer, “Name it.” His eyes bore into mine, and I see friendly fire dancing in them now.
I look at his hair as I say, dreamily, “I’ve always wanted to run my hands through your hair.” He tilts his head back, like I’m maybe a little crazy, but he doesn’t back away. Then, he leans in a bit and squints his eyes at me as he considers my request.
Having already jumped off this cliff, I continue, “Luke, you have the best hair in the world, and I’m jealous.”
He throws his head back again and laughs so hard, enjoying my flaming cheeks and appreciating my candor. “Well, Ash. Now’s your chance.”
“Really?” His laughter and gorgeous smile make it impossible for me to think clearly.
“Really.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
Giddy with excitement, I close the gap between us, and I reach up my hand to run it through his thick, luscious hair. And, oh my god, I inhale as the electricity between us grows fast and intense. His eyes darken to the color of moss under the night sky, and just as I’m about to pull my hand away, he grabs it possessively.
With his free hand, he cups my face, and I have no thoughts in my head to resist what he’s doing. He leans in slowly, gently touching his lips to mine. Feather soft and together, our breaths hitch in our chests, lips on lips. My body sings and my blood pounds thunderous drums. And, all too soon, he pulls away.
I don’t want to open my eyes yet.
But I have to. And it hits me that we kissed, and we weren’t supposed to.
My eyes fly wide open, and just as I say, “I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m not sorry.”
Gulp.
My heart shivers because I know veering off the friend path isn’t good for either of us. “Friends don’t kiss,” I whisper. “Not like that.”
“I know,” he offers, and looks as shocked as I do.
I smile a slight smile, and say, looking everywhere but him, “Well, I had a fantastic time tonight, Luke, as friends. But we need to keep it at that.”
“OK. Yeah, I know. See you in a couple of days.” He turns and walks down the porch steps, and I watch him go.
But suddenly, he stops, turns around, and jogs back up the steps and grabs my face between his hands. He crashes his lips down onto mine, hard and intense this time. Longing is unleashed in both of us, and my arms wrap around him, pulling him in, raking my hands through his hair.
We hold each other tight, like we never want to let go. Our mouths open, and our tongues dance, slippery and sexy, as I press my hips into his. He groans.
I’d say the friendship lines have blurred a bit.
He tastes so good. No one has ever kissed me like this, and I’ve never felt my heart beating so fast… I’m afraid it will burst out of my chest. I moan into his mouth and our mutual hunger and need pushes and pulls at us. Our mouths taste and bite and kiss. The intensity in my body almost causes me to explode, as my nerves ignite and my hormones surge.
He squeezes me tighter, and his hands roam down my sides and grip my waist. Then he grabs onto my hips and pulls me toward his body harder, like he can’t get enough, and I can’t get enough of him, either. He peppers my lips with kisses and then moves his hands up to cup the back of my head.
He plunges his tong
ue deep inside my mouth again as he pulls my hair. My head leans back as his mouth finds my neck and ravages it. He bites, hungry for me, and I moan, as sweet desire charges through me. His pine, snow, stardust scent wraps around my face, and my body shifts into over-drive with lust and passion for this man.
He releases my hair, and his lips find mine again. His hands press my body closer to him as he moves them down to the hollow of my back. I whimper as I kiss him harder, pulling on his hair, stealing every second I can, loving every moment. My heart pounds like a jackhammer, and I’m electric with craving.
We’re holding onto each other, grabbing, tearing, and getting our fill as much as we can, knowing deep down we must stop this insanity, but neither of us is willing to. Our hopes and dreams and fears all mash together, merging into one, both of us wanting it to last forever, but knowing it won’t.
Then he stops and pulls himself back.
I’m flushed. I’m wet. I’m confused.
Our breathing heavy, our wide eyes meet each other.
He cocks his head, smirks, and winks at me. “See you soon, friend.”
15
Luke
That kiss.
Holy fuck.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but every time we held hands, or I looked in her eyes last night, or our elbows touched at the movie, the energy between us was dripping with desire. I knew I had to kiss her. I had to see if kissing her would have the same kind of energy.
It did. And a thousand times stronger.
When she ran her hand through my hair after making that sweet and sexy-as-fuck confession, I tried so hard to just kiss her gently, knowing I’d already promised myself we wouldn’t do that. But fuck, every time I’m with her, I want to smell her, touch her, taste her.
I couldn’t stop myself.
She was like a drug, her lips laced with cocaine, and I needed my fix. I tried to walk away after just a taste.
Impossible.
Our French kiss was mind blowing, but that first kiss — the gentle one — shattered my heart open. It was the simplest of touches, yet it engulfed my heart with flames of colors I didn’t know existed. All the darkness I’d harbored for ten years blew wide open, letting in her light, and forever changing the trajectory of my life. She’s an angel.
Fuck. I miss her already.
I pull into the parking garage of my apartment complex, overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Long Beach. I’ve spent the past six hours thinking about Ash and our kiss on the drive over here. Thinking about our dates. Thinking about us. I was having so much fun with her last night, and I thought I could behave myself. I thought I could keep it friendly. For her sake. For mine.
That was our agreement.
That was what made the most sense.
But I couldn’t.
I’ve never had this kind of connection with any other woman. There’s something about being with her that feels so right, like my soul is safe.
But what am I going to do? I don’t want to hurt her, and I know my time in Prescott is short. She’s got a lot on her plate with her dad. She doesn’t need me messing up her life, but I can’t get enough of her.
I walk inside my apartment, and Blitz is sitting there waiting for me. My partner brought him over, knowing I was coming back today. Blitz runs over and jumps up on me, almost knocking me down as he licks my face like crazy.
“I’m happy to see you too, buddy.” I kneel and scruff his ears, nuzzling my face in his black, furry neck. “I’ve missed you a ton, boy! And guess what! I’m taking you on a big adventure tomorrow!”
He doesn’t understand what I’m saying, but he will tomorrow morning when I say the magic words, “bye-bye car.”
I walk around my apartment. It’s a dismal reminder of how I felt just a week ago. As nice as I’ve made the place, and even with the spectacular ocean view, my chest is heavy, like cement is being poured into my lungs. I’ve only known this place with sadness and emptiness. That’s the anchor I’d dropped here. And, fuck no, I don’t want that feeling back.
Shit. Everything is messed up.
Confused, I sit down on my couch and sigh. I wish Ash were sitting here next to me. I run my hands through my hair and rest my elbows on my knees, the guilt returning and threatening to consume me. Who would’ve thought I’d reignite that darkness so quickly upon coming back here?
Blitz seems to understand my discomfort — he always does. He jumps up on the couch and lies down next to me, resting his head on my lap. He lets out a huff of warm breath.
“Blitz, dude. I met this great woman. Well, I’ve known her for years, but I really met her this week. Her name is Ash. You’re gonna love her. In fact, I’ll bring you on runs with us.” I lean back on the couch and pet Blitz’s head. “She’s special. She’s funny, gorgeous, sexy, smart, and kind. She’s gonna love you, too.”
After a few more minutes of petting the dog, I stand up and walk to my bedroom to pack some things. I grab extra clothes, shoes, and toiletries. I head into my home office and unplug my second display and wrap it in a blanket to protect it during transport. I grab the cords and cables, plus my mouse and a few other things, and stuff them into a duffel bag. I set aside Blitz’s harness and leash, and I put everything by the front door.
I walk around my apartment and it’s different, and I realize, I’m starting a new chapter of my life. I don’t want to be in this apartment when it happens. It’s empty and dark, and she’s not here. But isn’t my life here?
I don’t know. It’s too much to take in right now. I’ve just gotten into a mindset where I’m trying what Maggie suggested, wondering if I can forgive myself for my past. I’m scared to go down that road, but I’m scared if I don’t as well.
My gaze wanders around my apartment, and my pulse is steady. Even calm. Healing has started to take place in me, no doubt mostly because Ash is in my life. But it’s too soon to pursue anything more than friendship with her. I can’t risk hurting her if my soul fucks up in a month or two and decides I’m not worthy of happiness, and I descend into darkness again.
But I want to be with her. I want to kiss her more. Have her. Own her.
What if she doesn’t want me in the same way?
Blitz brings his neon green squeaky-ball over to me and drops it at my feet. I kneel in front of him. “That’s a good boy. Go put it by the front door with the other stuff.” He picks it up in his mouth and trots off to do that.
I stand up and go into the kitchen. It’s monochrome, all gray, like my mood always used to be. The kitchen is spotless… with zero life. I grab a glass from the cupboard and fill it with cold water from the refrigerator. I take a sip and lean back against the counter.
One thing I know... I’ll be in Prescott for a month or so, and I’m going to spend as much time with Ash as I can, even if I have to keep her at arm’s length. I take a deep, satisfied breath.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. I pull out my phone to send her a text message.
Me: Hey, Ash. What’s up? I made it back to California.
Ash: Hi, Luke. Glad to hear you’re safe. Not much going on here. I have a patient in a few minutes. I’m just reading.
Luke: What are you reading?
Me: A book for caregivers of dementia patients.
Luke: Yikes. Heavy-duty. Learn anything helpful?
Ash: No, it’s mostly depressing, but I’m getting some tips for coping. For starters, it tells me I need to have a life outside of the person I’m caring for.
Luke: Interesting. Can I help with that? ;)
Ash: I’m counting on it. At least, for the brief time you’re here, friend. ;)
Luke: I’m looking forward to seeing you again.
Ash: Ditto. OK, my patient is here, I gotta go. See ya!
Luke: See ya.
I close the messaging app and realize that, for the three minutes it took us to text each other, I had that same lightness in my heart I always feel when I’m around her. But it also reminds me of her priority, which is
her dad. Not me. But, well, the book says she needs to have a life outside of her dad, and I can at least help her with that.
That’s what a good friend would do, right?
Feeling better, and knowing that I’m leaving in the middle of the night to drive back to Prescott, I head out for an early dinner. Still following Ash’s dietary recommendations, I get takeout at my favorite place for salmon burgers. I order four salmon patties without the buns.
I don’t want to be away from Ash any longer than I have to. I eat my patties in my car, and I toss Blitz a bite, which he catches in his mouth and licks his chops.
“Alright, Blitz, let’s go home for some shut-eye. We’re heading out at three in the morning to drive to Prescott. There’s no ocean there, but there’s Ash.”
16
Luke
I pull into my parents’ driveway, and I’m much calmer than the last time I arrived from California. I get out of the car, leaving the door open, and Blitz bounds out. He’s running all over the yard and sniffs up and down, back and forth, marking his new territory every few yards.
My mom comes out on the porch waving. She’s smiling, and I can see she’s glad I’m back. That makes me smile. As I get my stuff from the car, I see Ash’s house. I think she’s at work, but I’ll text her as soon as I get settled, to let her know I’m back. I want to see her right away, but I have to wait. Maybe I’ll go over for a visit when she’s home from work.
After I bring everything in and unpack, I text her.
Me: Hey! I’m back in Prescott.
Ash: Already? That was fast.
Me: Yeah, I left this morning at 3am. I’m turning my folks’ den into my office and I’m ready to work, but I wanted to say hi.
