by Lucy Dawson
‘I don’t care if you do or not,’ I reply bluntly. ‘I know I could break her if I want to, but she’s a child,’ I remind Flo. ‘Barely in her mid-twenties. She doesn’t even know he’s married. She’s just a sweet girl wasting the best years of her life on my pathetic, weak and selfish husband… but can you deduce from that I want to hurt him? Yes, you can… as far as he’s concerned, I absolutely and totally want revenge.’
Flo swallows. ‘I get wanting to hurt him, but the way you’ve handled this isn’t rational. You do know that, right? Most people who found out that their husband was having an affair would either choose to keep quiet or confront him.’
‘OK. I could have just had it out with him and said, “by the way I know you’ve not been in Sheffield a single fucking time you’ve said, but are actually having an affair”, except where would that lead?’ I gesture helplessly ‘He leaves/I chuck him out and he goes to her… or apologises and stays here for the sake of the kids. Well neither of those scenarios work for me and they mean he gets no punishment at all.’
‘Punishment?’ repeats Flo.
I am now properly shaking. This anger which has been growing beneath my skin like a disease for the last two weeks is finally bursting through. ‘Yes. Punishment. I mean a spy? Come on!’ My voice becomes louder, and Flo reminds me Teddy is asleep by turning and wordlessly placing a finger on her lips before pointing to the ceiling above. Still simmering, I fall quiet and we stare at each other in silence for a moment.
‘If it weren’t so tragic, it would be funny,’ I say eventually. ‘He actually wrote a book about leaving us.’ I turn away from Flo. ‘All I want to do is protect Clara and Teddy – and Mia – from any more hurt.’
‘How is this protecting them?’ asks Flo quietly.
I fold my arms. ‘Because my plan is going to go one of two ways; I’ve thought about this very carefully. Tris is out there right now, having realised Mia has sold his book. He’ll have recognised it from the description in the papers. What would he do next – what would anyone in his shoes do next? He’ll go and confront her, ask her why and how the hell she stole his book?’ I clear my throat. ‘She’s then going to say she didn’t, another author – me – gave it to her. She’ll tell him about our arrangement, at which point Tris is going to realise that I know everything.’ I hold Flo’s gaze, furious again. ‘I have held him to account. He then either has to come clean and admit to Mia that actually he’s MARRIED to me and it’s his book – can’t see him going for that option, can you? – or, he’s going to keep very quiet about me, say he must have made a mistake and have to slink back home – tail between his legs – aware that I know his horrible secret and I’ve called him on it.’
‘Hang on –I thought you just said you don’t want him to come home to you?’
I turn and look at my reflection in the mantelpiece mirror. I look old. Tired. ‘I’m not going to let him stay but I want him to end it with Mia. He doesn’t have to tell her why – in fact it would be kinder if he didn’t. She’ll be upset, but she’ll be better off without him, and hopefully, the half a million quid she’s going to get from the book sale will help ease the pain a bit. It might even end up being double or triple that by the time all of the deals have been done.’ I shrug. ‘She won’t ever need to know he’s married to me…’ I turn back to face my sister. ‘Once he’s ended it with her, I will tell him to leave.’
‘So now you want to end your marriage?’ Flo says. ‘Because two weeks ago you told me that you didn’t want anything to change. You were wanting to go for the keeping quiet option.’
‘That was when I’d just found out he was cheating on me. I was frightened… and of course I don’t want Clara and Teddy’s life to implode. They love Tris. But now I’ve had time to think, I’m convinced him having a second family with some girl half his age – which will inevitably happen if he stays with Mia – would devastate them, destroy the people they’re meant to be.’ My voice is ominously quiet now. ‘He can’t afford a second family, in any case.’
‘Not now you’ve split his million quid in half, no.’
‘He would never have got that much for it himself. Not without my editorial input and Mia’s profile and looks. All he had was a good idea. Anyone can have one of them. He should be thankful I brokered the deal I have. I think it’s a very practical revenge.’
‘But stopping him from having a second family with Mia doesn’t prevent him having another family forever. If it’s not her, the likelihood is it’ll be someone else eventually, if you’re going to tell him to leave?’
I say nothing.
‘The point I’m trying to make is that I don’t think you can try and justify what you’ve done with rational explanations, because there aren’t any. You just want to hurt him.’
I hesitate. ‘Yeah, OK. I do. You’re right—’
‘But—’
‘Because I’ll be the first to admit things have fallen by the wayside with me and Tris, relationship-wise.’ I cut across her. ‘I’ll be honest – I don’t prioritise him. I’ve become too “communal” within the family since we had Clara and Teddy. I should have made more time for him. And yeah, men need sex… but do not sleep with someone half my fucking age again and again – because there’s no one-night leg to stand on here – and THEN tell me we’ve got a problem. Be a decent man! Tell me you’re unhappy before you line up someone else and a new life. End it WITHOUT cheating on me first and making everything a horrible, complicated mess that makes me want to hurt you… because I tell you this: I will protect the kids from the humiliation of having to deal with knowing their father slept with someone else!’ I cross the room and sit down heavily on the sofa.
‘But that’s just doing a Mum. You’re going to just not tell them? Bottle everything up?’ Flo says quietly. ‘Because that’s how we do things in our family, right? We don’t talk about stuff like normal people do. In fact, you usually just write about the things that hurt you.’
‘Do I understand why Mum didn’t say anything to us now, you mean? Yeah – maybe I do.’ I twist suddenly and look at our wedding photo, sitting on the side table by the lamp. I am so happy; I look ethereal. Tris looks proud and delighted. I had no doubts whatsoever about marrying him and I meant every word of my vows. I thought we were invincible. Open to the stresses and strains of everyday life, of course; arguments about money, the children, bad moods, but never the risk of other people.
‘Look at us!’ I point at it. ‘Look how in love we are! How can the man I share two such amazing children with, and have a nice life with, want to do this to me and them? It’s the lack of kindness that I’m finding so devastating… that and how can he be so fucking stupid?’
‘I don’t know,’ Flo says softly. ‘I’m devastated too. I didn’t think he’d ever do something like this.’
‘But you know, it’s because he is the father of my children that I want him to leave,’ I insist, wiping my eyes and now-snotty nose. ‘No one could have hurt me more than this. I could have coped with a one-night thing – but not this. I mean look at me! I’ve already lost a load of weight overnight from pure stress. I’ve dyed my hair and cut in the most stupidly unflattering fringe I’ve ever had. Could I be more of a clichéd middle-aged woman finding out her husband’s sleeping around?’
Flo doesn’t say anything. Just stares at the floor miserably, her arms wrapped round herself.
I reach in my pocket for a tissue. ‘You want to know what he’s been doing while I’ve been going out of my mind with stress since you told me about his affair? Staying in Putney while telling me he’s in Sheffield on business. Ask me how I know this.’ I blow my nose.
‘Go on,’ she says quietly, sitting down on the sofa opposite me again.
‘I hid a mobile phone in the boot of the car, in the spare wheel. Using Find My Phone, I can see exactly where the car goes. It’s been going to the same street in Putney – where his uni friend Jim lives – for several days at a time for the last two weeks. And before you ask, I’ve alr
eady tried to see where it is right now. I looked at the hospital. The phone is switched off. So either Tris has found it or the battery has died. Anyway, I spoke to Jim about a week and a half ago and said I didn’t want to make trouble, I didn’t want him to tell Tris I’d spoken to him, but I just wanted to say thank you for supporting him at this difficult time. I was deliberately oblique, but Jim immediately said he was happy to help and Tris could stay as long as he wanted while we “work out our problems”. So reading between the lines, Tris has told Jim we’re having issues and is staying there – having a lovely little London life for several days a week while he’s meant to be in Sheffield – then coming home to be Daddy when he feels like it. He’s been nowhere near Sheffield. I don’t think there is any project, or client. He’s made it all up.’
Flo shakes her head and closes her eyes. ‘I don’t want you to think I condone his behaviour in any way, it’s disgusting.’ She looks straight at me. ‘And like I’ve said to you before, I can see it’s complicated by how Daniel and Dad behaved all those years ago, but—’
‘No, you can stop right there.’ I hold a hand up. ‘What Dan did and how it made me feel doesn’t even come close to this. I was twenty-something and my fiancé cheated on me. It was nothing more than the fear of losing your first love, and my becoming obsessed with her. It wasn’t a marriage. I’ve always believed, no matter what, Tris loves me – and Clara and Teddy – too much to risk losing us.’ I shrug. ‘I was obviously wrong and that kills me. He’s broken it all. The Dad stuff… I don’t know, I can’t even go there right now, to be honest, and of course, when Tris leaves I’ll do a better job than Mum did of explaining everything; but right now, all I feel is an immense rage and I freely admit I want to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, plus I’ll be damned if he gets to come out of this with a new girlfriend and a shiny new book based on what he’s done. You’re right – maybe he will go on to find someone else after all of this, but it won’t be Mia because she’s too nice for that. She genuinely doesn’t deserve him.’
Flo gets up and comes to sit right next to me. ‘I get that you want to regain the sense of control that he’s taken away from you. I understand completely why you want to try and influence what happens next, but Charlotte, this is not the way to do it. This… plan of yours.’ She flounders and throws her hands up, helplessly. ‘I keep telling you that people don’t act in predictable ways in high stress situations, often they surprise even themselves,’ she leans forward and takes my hand, ‘but you keep not listening to me. You say Tris is going to go round and confront Mia. You’re probably right, but there are a million different possible outcomes after that than just the two you’ve considered. You’re acting like you’ve worked out their character motivation and the next bit of the plot.’
‘No. That’s not what I’m doing at all.’ I take my hand back. ‘And you’re wrong. I know Tris.’
‘But your outcomes rely on the assumption that he doesn’t really care about Mia; understandably, because that’s what you want to believe. Of course, I hope you’re right, but what if you’re not? What if he loves her and thinking she’s stolen this book from him breaks his heart? What if that makes him angry… or suppose he breaks up with her then and there and she goes crazy with grief, because she loves him…’ A note of frustration creeps into my sister’s voice. ‘What if he confesses everything, tells her who you really are and she feels like the two of you have tricked her? You see?’ Flo waits for me to speak, but I don’t. I can’t.
‘Even if you’re right about Tris, you don’t know her. Remember what else I told you? People in therapy are vulnerable – and unstable.’ Flo sighs worriedly and looks at her watch. ‘You haven’t heard from him all day? Even though you’ve left him messages saying that Teddy has been in hospital? He just hasn’t responded?’
‘The last I saw of him was this morning when he left for work,’ I admit. ‘I wasn’t worried until Mia’s email arrived, telling me the news is out, but now I know it is…’ I rub my forehead, trying to think, my fingers pressing into my skin so hard it hurts. ‘His phone is also switched off.’
Flo’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘That’s weird. Why would he do that?’
‘When I was doing some research for my last book I told Tris about how most rookie criminals in real life are caught out by the tracking on their mobile phone. He knows that if it’s on, it will connect with a nearby mast and the police will be able to see where you are, or where you’ve been.’ I briefly glance back at our wedding photo, then look down at my hands and the engagement ring that is now too heavy on my much thinner finger. The diamond keeps slipping round, out of sight, leaving only the plain band on view. ‘I told him the only way to prevent being tracked is to switch your phone off but the only people who do that have something to hide.’
Flo looks at me wide-eyed. ‘I think we need to phone them. The police, I mean.’
I laugh. ‘Don’t be ridiculous! They won’t do anything! It’s all rubbish, the stuff you see on TV. In fact, do call them now. Call the number for our local police station, because you can’t call 999 – it’s not an emergency. See if they even pick up. I bet you they don’t.’ I hold out my phone. ‘And if they do, good luck in telling them you’re looking for a bloke late back from work who hasn’t even been missing for twenty-four hours yet. They don’t have the resources to investigate actual crimes, never mind domestic situations like this.’
‘I really don’t think you appreciate quite how serious this situation you’ve created could be,’ Flo says slowly. ‘Mia is vulnerable, and Tris is potentially devastated. Can you not see what you might have done?’
The next laugh catches at the back of my throat. ‘What I’ve done?’
‘How can you not be anxious? I’m terrified!’
I sit back on the sofa and reach suddenly for my phone. Flo inhales sharply and waits as I hold it to my ear.
‘Hello, Jim? It’s Charlotte.’ I sit up taller as he answers, and Flo breathes out. ‘I’m sorry to disturb you and I know this is going to put you in an awkward position, but I need your help. Teddy wound up in A&E tonight. I’ve been trying and trying to get hold off Tris, but I’ve had no luck, which is really unlike him. He did tell me he was going to Wales tonight and that might explain why I haven’t been able to get hold of him, but I thought I’d just check if you knew anything to the contrary, first? I know he left work at about half six, but after that he… oh… so the car’s outside your place right now?’ I can’t look at Flo. ‘OK,’ I hesitate. ‘Well, I guess he can’t be in Wales then. You didn’t see him tonight though?… No, but you think he’s been back because his work phone, laptop and suitcase are all in the spare room.’ I do glance at Flo now. She shakes her head and mutters ‘shit’ under her breath, before getting up and turning her back on me.
‘OK. Well…’ I exhale, unsure what to say next. ‘If he does turn up, can you ask him to call me urgently? Thank you. Yes, he’s fine now – we’re home, but obviously Tris should know. Thank you. I will. You too.’
I hang up. Flo doesn’t turn round or say a thing.
‘Perhaps you better give me Mia’s address and I’ll go there myself – make sure nothing has happened,’ I say eventually.
She spins round. ‘You’re kidding, right? There is no way I’m giving you her address!’ She stares at me, stunned. ‘You are so… quietly manipulative.’
‘What?’ Confused and angry again, I throw my hands wide. ‘How the hell is my saying I will go and make sure Mia’s OK being manipulative? I’m agreeing with you!’
Flo puts her hands on the side of her head. ‘I can’t make sense of all of this. I should never have told you.’
‘Well you did,’ I say simply. ‘And you’re right. Given everything, it’s concerning that Tris hasn’t been in touch… but we really can’t phone the police. For a kick off, what are you going to say to anyone who asks how I found out about their affair in the first place?’
She pales. ‘So now you’re threatening me?
’
‘Of course not! What’s the matter with you?’ I look at her, incredulously.
‘You’re angry with me for telling you about Tris. I get it. Shoot the messenger, but we need to—’
‘I’m trying to protect you,’ I say through clenched teeth, ‘and Mia and Teddy and Clara.’
Flo swallows, covers her mouth with her hand, and rushes out of the room.
I jump up and follow her out to the kitchen where she is shakily holding a glass underneath the streaming cold tap.
‘You need to get a grip,’ I instruct her. ‘Put it down and look at me for a moment.’ I take the tumbler from her and set it on the side, before turning off the water. ‘I would never, ever do anything that would put you at risk, or threaten you. You must know I’m not that person? Surely? I know you do!’
‘I don’t know what to believe!’ she blurts, her arms wrapped defensively round her. ‘This is all slipping out of control.’
‘No, it isn’t. Mum’s right. You can be very melodramatic sometimes.’
She gasps, but I hold a hand up. ‘I am very angry with Tris. I freely admit that – but yes, he should have called by now given the messages I’ve left him about Teddy. It’s out of character for him not to have been in contact under those circumstances and I think you’re right to be concerned. So give me Mia’s address. I’ll go to the flat and make sure everything is OK. That’s it. No big panic.’
Flo lets her head hang miserably. ‘I can’t tell you where she lives! It’s bad enough that I told you anything at all. When it comes out, what I’ve done…’ She spins round again, grabs the glass, yanks the tap back on and fills it unsteadily before taking too big a gulp. The water splashes over her chin.
I pass her a tea towel. ‘Flo, please calm down. No one is ever going to find out that you told me about their relationship. In fact, if anyone asks you… and I mean anyone, you say you knew about the affair, but you disclosed nothing to me; patient confidentiality. You deny telling me anything about Mia, you deny telling me where she lives. No one can prove you told me a thing. Florence!’ I full-name her sharply, to root her back to me as a single tear escapes from her eye and runs down her cheek.
