by Lucy Dawson
I’m watching Charlotte walking away from me, past the National Gallery towards Piccadilly, when my voicemail finally kicks in:
‘Mia, hi. Penny Osbourne. I’ve just had a call from the OIC – that’s the officer in charge of the case – to let me know that you’ve been NFA’d. They tried to reach you, but couldn’t. You’ll get a letter in the post explaining your bail has been cancelled and their systems will be updated. But essentially that’s it. The police won’t be taking any further action. Do call me if you have any questions but in the meantime, I’ll—’
‘CHARLOTTE!’ This time I yell her name at the top of my voice. Lots of people turn round, albeit briefly – it’s London after all – and she stops and stares back in surprise, shielding her face from the sun shining right in her eyes, blinding her and making it virtually impossible to see me, as I run eagerly towards her.
TWENTY-ONE
CHARLOTTE
‘That’s it, brave girl.’ Flo hands me some tissues, my eyes streaming, and I wipe my mouth, still bent over. ‘Do you want some water?’
I hesitate and my stomach lurches. ‘No, I think I’m going to go again.’ I brace myself, my mouth opens and I feel my throat rise as my body starts to take over. I wretch so violently it feels like I’m turning inside out as I hang there helplessly before straightening up. ‘OK, that’s it. I’ve nothing left. It’s not even water coming back up now.’
‘Talking of which – here.’ Flo passes me a bottle. ‘Little sips. You don’t want to get dehydrated.’ She glances at her watch.
‘Just give me a minute.’ I hand the bottle back, lean against the wall and close my eyes for a moment trying to steady myself. ‘It’s my own fault. I haven’t eaten anything all day. My nerves are shot to bits.’
‘I think we ought to go back out there.’
I nod. ‘I know. One second, that’s all.’ I step out of the toilet cubicle and over to the sink. ‘I had a bad dream about Tris last night.’ I keep my voice low as I start to wash my hands. ‘I couldn’t reach him. He was under the surface of shallow water – saying something that I didn’t understand. Bubbles were coming up. His eyes were wide. He knew he was dying.’ I clear my throat, my voice starting to shake, and straighten up to reach for a paper towel before drying my hands methodically.
‘You should have come and got me. That sounds really distressing.’ Flo joins me in front of the mirror.
My eyes well up and I blink the tears back furiously before throwing the towel in the small dark hole next to the sink and turning to face her. ‘This is all my fault. It’s all I can think when everyone tells me how sorry they are for my loss.’
She shakes her head emphatically. ‘You were angry with him; you wanted to hurt him. That’s normal. You are not to blame for what happened after that.’
‘Wanting revenge is one thing, carrying it out is another. The pain I’ve caused is far worse than the one it was supposed to ease. He’s dead because of what I did, Flo.’
Flo places her hands on my arms, forcing me to look at her. ‘No. That’s not true. It was his choice to betray you… time and time again. He lied repeatedly to you – to all of us. We all thought he was a constant, someone who wore his heart on his sleeve and told it like it was. I really respected him for that, but it was all lies. I feel extraordinarily let down by him, so I can’t imagine what it feels like to be you. It is not your fault he’s dead. You really want to blame someone – blame me. I should never have told you he was sleeping with Mia. I wasn’t in my right mind the day of Mum and Dad’s party. If I’d kept quiet about their affair, it might have burnt out and been something you’d never have known about.’
I turn back to the mirror, forcing her to release me, so that I can wipe what’s left of the smudged shadows of mascara from under my eyes. ‘You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. You did what you thought was right at the time.’ I let my head hang. ‘This is so wrong. I can’t do this.’
‘Yes, you can,’ she says simply. She puts her hand on my shoulder this time. ‘You know I’ve always felt that families keeping secrets from each other is unhealthy and destructive? Well that’s a sanctimonious, naïve load of crap. What I thought gave me the right to be an expert on anyone’s marriage, never mind the ones closest to me, beggars belief. You need this opportunity to say goodbye to Tris. However it ended, you had two children together, very much born of love. Honour that today, because that beautiful boy and girl are your greatest achievement as a couple and they need you now. You asked them if they wanted to come and they did. Let’s help them through this.’
She’s right. Clara and Teddy are more important than anything else. I nod, wipe my eyes, smooth my jacket and take a deep breath. They are waiting alongside Mum and Dad in the foyer, holding hands uncertainly. They look so small. I smile at them and hold out my hands to them. We will do this together.
We walk into the rapidly filling church. I’m keeping my gaze firmly on them, smiling encouragingly as we walk down the aisle towards Tris, but the flowers I chose from the three of us, now sitting on top of the coffin, are heavily scented white freesias and roses, the same as my wedding bouquet. When I catch the familiar perfume I have always loved, it makes me lift my head. I blink and for a brief moment the hands of a thousand clocks spin backwards in a blur and I see him turning to face me in morning dress, his face full of love. I feel my wedding dress swishing about me, my heart barely containing the joy. I have to close my eyes briefly at the physical pain, blindly letting the children guide me for a second, and when I open them again, he is gone.
When the service is over and everyone has left, the children and I have one last moment in the peace of the still church, just the three of us.
‘What’s going to happen to Daddy now?’ Clara asks.
‘To Daddy’s body, you mean?’ I say carefully, ‘because everything that made Daddy him, – all of his love, memories and thoughts… his soul… – has already gone to Heaven, hasn’t it?’
She nods. ‘What’s going to happen to his body?’
I take a deep breath. ‘Well, because Daddy doesn’t need it now – a bit like when a butterfly comes out of a cocoon – Daddy’s body will be put into a very warm room and it will turn into soft ashes, like a powder, but it won’t hurt him because Daddy isn’t there anymore. He’s in Heaven.’
‘We can’t go there because you have to be dead to go to Heaven,’ says Teddy.
‘That’s right, clever boy.’
‘Where does Heaven look like?’
‘I don’t know,’ I confess, ‘because I’ve never seen it, but I imagine it’s very beautiful, because love is beautiful, isn’t it? Come on. Let’s go and find the others.’
We reach the door of the church and Flo meets us.
‘Now, do you want to go to the pub and have something to eat with everyone else?’ I ask the kids, ‘or shall we go home? What do you fancy?’
‘I’m tired,’ Clara says. ‘Can we go home and watch a movie?’
‘It’s my turn to choose,’ says Teddy quickly.
‘Let’s flip a coin when we get back,’ Flo suggests. ‘Would you like to come in my car with me? Mum’s put your seats in it. Do you remember my friend Harry? He watched the fireworks with us. He’s going to come with us. Is that all right?’
Clara nods but pulls me down to her eyeline and whispers: ‘Are you coming home too, Mummy?’
‘I’ll come back with Nona and Grandpa after I’ve said a quick goodbye to everyone at the pub, is that OK?’
She nods.
‘I think I might have some Haribos in the car?’ Flo frowns as if she’s trying to remember. ‘Shall we go and see?’
‘I want some,’ Teddy says immediately. ‘Daddy likes Haribos.’
Flo takes their hands. ‘Which ones were his favourites? Bye, Mummy! See you in a bit. I like the eggs.’ She leads them away gently, and I watch until they’re safely in the car, waving, before I go and join Mum and Dad to drive to the crematorium.
&nb
sp; Moira, Donald and Tris’s aunt are the only other people present at the short, private committal. His mother will not look at me as she leaves after the final blessing; she simply acts as if I’m not there, wiping her wetly streaked cheeks as she walks past me. But she’s waiting for me by the car.
Shaking with rage in her heavy tweed suit, she’s going hunting, for sure. ‘How does a healthy man just die?’ She stares at me, unblinking, demanding an answer. ‘You were there with him at the end? Just you, so you tell me! How did my boy die, eh?’ She steps forward and I can’t be the only one that thinks she’s going to hit me, as my father steps between us.
‘No,’ he says simply. ‘It doesn’t happen like this. You know how he died. We all do.’
‘Once is an accident, twice is surely habit, Charlotte?’ Moira ignores him, aiming the comment over Dad’s shoulder.
My heart is beating so hard I can hear it in my ears as I simply turn and walk away from them all, forcing myself to ignore the accusations she is continuing to call out behind me. Mum finds me in tears in the garden of tranquillity.
‘I know I said I’d come for a quick drink at the wake, but I just want to go back to the kids now. Can you drop me off? It’s on the way.’
I expect her to tell me I ought to at least show my face, but she doesn’t. ‘Of course. Dad and I will host on your behalf and make sure everyone understands, which they will. Don’t worry. There’s no right or wrong way to do this.’
I get back to find the children happily watching The Aristocats. I give them a kiss and go upstairs to take my new suit off and hang it up in the wardrobe, changing back into my jeans and a sweatshirt as Flo sticks her head round the door.
‘You OK?’
I clear my throat. ‘You just missed Moira accuse me outside the crematorium of killing Tris.’
Flo’s mouth falls open in horror. ‘What?’
‘She’s certainly upped the blame stakes, that’s for sure. I wasn’t always the best wife to him. I was often tired, impatient, irritable a lot of the time. I think I was quite a difficult girlfriend to Daniel too… and I should never have sold Tris’s book from under him, but to say I literally killed them?’ I try to laugh but it sounds slightly hysterical.
‘No one seriously believes that, Charlotte, not for a minute. Moira is deranged with a mother’s grief. She didn’t mean what she said.’
‘Yes, she did. Even supposing I was angry enough with him to do it, which I wasn’t, as if I’d ever do something like that to Clara and Teddy? Tris was their father! I’d never willingly put my own children through that pain.’ I sit down on our bed and start to pull on a pair of socks. ‘Plus it’s actually hard to kill someone.’
Flo crosses her arms and says nothing.
‘Especially in an ITU full of people. The police were right outside the door, nurses going in and out all of the time. You can’t just slip something into a glass of water, cut tubes or turn off machines. There’s always a post-mortem and it would show up.’
‘Charlotte—’
My teeth are starting to chatter. ‘I’m just saying you’d have to be very subtle to pull it off in those circumstances without getting caught. Something like purposefully pinching the IV tube to block the fluids, but releasing your grip every time the nurse came to check it. Tris had a cardiac arrest. He was a normal fit and healthy man, but he’d been boozing, had a long lie on the floor, he was dehydrated and hypothermic.
‘I’ve told you about that sort of thing before, haven’t I?’ I continue desperately. ‘It’s impossible to shock a flatline, they just do that in TV shows for dramatic effect. It’s cardiac compressions, and only then, if you get some rhythm back, can you go for the shock treatment.’
‘I know. Nothing breaks like a heart.’
I burst into tears again and she comes over to sit on the bed next to me, holding me while I sob quietly, so the children don’t hear. Harry appears at the doorway as I’m blowing my nose, carefully carrying a plate of toast and jam, and a cup of tea, which he puts down on the top of my chest of drawers, disappearing without a word.
‘I’m really glad you’re giving it another try with him.’
She blushes. ‘Me too. Not the queen of self-sabotage anymore, eh?’
So much has changed so very quickly. I take a deep breath and stand up. ‘We need to go back downstairs. I want to sit with the kids. Did you see Mia at the church?’
Flo jerks back from me in shock. ‘No! Was she there?’
‘Probably not if you didn’t see her; I didn’t look. I invited her—’ I feel suddenly tired at Flo’s look of astonishment, ‘but I didn’t expect her to show really. But then again, I also thought she might. It’s OK. We’ve talked about you. It’s not an issue. She’s not going to say anything.’
‘It’s “not an issue”? Flo repeats slowly. ‘And you invited her to Tris’s funeral?’ She shakes her head as if she’s not sure where to start.
I walk over to my tea. ‘You don’t need to say anything. I told you before, I never blamed her for what happened.’ The cup is so hot it’s burning my skin and I have to set it down again once I’ve gingerly taken a sip. I have a bit of the toast too, which makes my tummy knot painfully but also makes me realise I am actually hungry. ‘That’s the point of funerals, isn’t it? To mark the point of goodbye – shouldn’t she have that opportunity too? Do you think he was meant to be with Mia?’ I take another sip of tea and look out of the window. ‘He saw her too, that first day I met her. I watched him notice her. I thought it was because she looked like me, but in hindsight, do you think that was the moment he fell in love with her?’
Flo considers her words carefully. ‘I think you’re completely exhausted and now is maybe not the time to think about any of this.’
‘I’m not torturing myself. In some ways it almost makes what I’ve done with the book easier – my stealing it from Tris, I mean. At least Mia’s getting half of everything, which he’d probably want. Although why is it that when he was alive, I was OK with not telling her he’d written the book – like I was protecting her from him – but now he’s dead, not coming clean feels like I’m exploiting her? And yet I’m still letting it happen. She still believes the only reason I contacted her to be my debut was because of Edinburgh.’
‘Charlotte, please. Give your poor brain a break from this. Just for today.’
‘I think about it all the time,’ I confess. ‘She ought to know he wrote it.’
Flo sighs deeply. ‘I don’t agree. This way, Teddy and Clara benefit from the sale of their father’s book, exactly as he would want them to. You said Mia is about to fly to LA to meet the producers of the film, there’s going to be more press coverage, more roles coming her way. Doors are opening. You’ve done that for her, no one else. It’s right that Mia is being paid for her role in this, because she’s doing a job, playing a part, but she doesn’t need to know any more than that. Moreover, if you do tell her the truth, the only person who will feel better is you.’
I fall silent, my restless thoughts still spinning in endless circles. Round and round…
‘I wasn’t paying lip service earlier, I am now very much of the opinion that some secrets should be kept,’ Flo insists. ‘Look at Mum and Dad, what good would it do anyone if they told their story now? The people who need to know, do – and that’s enough. It’s the same with you and the book.’
‘If I let this continue, I’ll be using her.’
‘I wish someone would use me to the tune of at least a million quid.’
I exhale. ‘I’m serious. I’m still manipulating Mia now. That’s wrong.’
Flo stares at me. ‘You’re going to tell her, aren’t you?’
‘It would be the right thing to do.’
‘For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a huge mistake.’ She gets up. ‘You don’t have to decide right now anyway. Just lie down for a minute. The kids are fine downstairs. I’ll tell them where you are. Give yourself a moment to just be.’
I
move away from the window and do as I’m told, lying down on the bed like a child. She even kisses me on the forehead before leaving the room quietly.
I glance at the space next to me where I am so used to Tris lying. It feels vast today.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ I whisper, closing my eyes.
The front door bell rings suddenly downstairs and I immediately open them again with a jump.
‘Charlotte!’ Flo yells.
I sigh. ‘Coming.’ I get up automatically and as I round the corner, looking down the stairs, the person Flo is letting into the hallway glances up at me.
It’s Mia.
TWENTY-TWO
MIA
I’m clutching the bouquet so tightly my hand is aching. My sister was right – it was a mistake to come, and all Kirsty was expecting me to do was leave the lilies on the doorstep. She’ll be doing her nut in the car right now having watched me ring the bell, walk in and the door close behind me… but as soon as I saw Charlotte through the upstairs window I realised I’m hurting too much not to do this.
It’s quite a narrow Victorian hallway. Once Charlotte is facing me, we’re all uncomfortably close to each other in a triangle, my massive bunch of flowers at the centre. I clear my throat. ‘These are for you.’ I hold them out to her. ‘I was going to come today, but when I arrived at the church it felt really wrong. I didn’t want to intrude. Although I wanted to say thank you for thinking of me.’
Florence raises her eyebrows silently and looks down at the floor.
My heart starts to beat faster. ‘I didn’t actually expect you to be here, in my defence. I was only going to drop them off. It’s nice to see you again, Florence.’ I turn my head to her and smile politely.
She hesitates. Yes, what is the correct response to that, Florence?
‘You too.’
