His words should have made me feel better, but instead, I was just consumed with how angry and hurt I was. Part of me knew what he was stating was right, but I couldn’t admit that, because it was being drowned out by the loud voice saying, ‘he doesn’t want you. He resents you leaving.’
“Fine. I just thought it would be better than finding someone else.”
“Look, this is our band, man. Yours, mine, Doug and Kerr’s and it will still be ours in six months. I get why you wanna stay part of us, but just get through your last term there and then come home and we’ll be here. You’ll always have a place with us.”
I heard someone call him and he quickly ended the call, leaving me feeling worse than before. My guitar was sitting in its case, resting against the closet door. I hadn’t opened it since we moved, but my fingers ached as I sat staring at it. I walked towards it and stroked the cover, wishing I could just take it out and play it, but my mom was due home soon and her douchebag of a husband was already home.
“Blake, Marty,” he called, and I rolled my shoulders, trying to relieve the tension, wishing I could disappear. My eyes strayed to the window and I paused for a beat, just staring at it.
I moved slowly towards the window and opened it, looking out and trying to judge the distance to the tree in the backyard. It wasn’t far and I could probably make it, but I knew mom would be furious with me. Escaping out of the window wasn’t her idea of trying to fit in with the new family. As I stood stiffly, contemplating my escape, movement caught my eye and I saw her, Neighbor girl, cross her yard and run off into the woods. Her ass jiggled in her shorts and I watched as her boobs bounced around in her top, but as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone, and I was alone again.
“Hey, Blake?” Don said from my door and I jumped, spinning around, and staring at him. “Didn’t you hear me call you?”
His words were low, and I saw Marty standing behind him, still looking like a miserable fuck.
“Nope,” I answered and popped the ‘p’. I didn’t want to play nice with him or them because they had ruined my life and I hated them for it. All of them. Even Marty, who was a pussy for not standing up to his dad.
“I’m calling for pizza. Your mom has been held up at her club.”
My mom loved her clubs. She loved them so much she would leave my sick dad at home and go to her stupid fucking country club and stay there all day, doing whatever the hell she wanted. She made me sick. I nodded at him and turned back to look out the window.
“Don’t you want pizza?” he asked again, and I glanced over my shoulder at him, brushing my long, dark curls from my eyes.
“No. I’m not hungry.”
It was a lie. A lie of the highest order, because I was starving, but I didn’t want to bond with him, his kid or anyone in the fucked-up town he’d dragged me too.
“Okay, we’ll order extra in case you change your mind.”
With that he turned, closed the door, and went back downstairs. I glanced back to make sure the door was really closed, then walked over to my backpack. I grabbed it and strolled over to my guitar case, lifting the strap, and putting it over my shoulder with my backpack. The backpack had seen better days, but it was one my dad had got me for school, and I refused to part with it. Soon, I would only have my memories of him.
I stood in the room indecisively, then moved over to the window, opening the catch, and climbing steadily out. I reached over, gripped the branch, and swung myself onto the one nearest to me. I clambered down the tree, scraping my hands and my cheek on the rough bark as I descended. Once I reached the bottom of the branches, I lowered myself down and dropped onto my feet. It was a bigger drop than I anticipated, and I ended up rocking backward and forward for a moment, before I took off sprinting for the woods.
I didn’t breathe properly until I was safely inside the woods. I meandered along slowly and found a little clearing about a mile or so in. There were logs placed around in a circle and I sat down on one, putting my cell down beside my bag and guitar case. For a while I just sat there and breathed in deeply, enjoying the peacefulness of the woods. Before long the compulsion to play became too much and I took out my guitar, sitting with it on my knee.
My fingers stroked the chords and I settled it on my lap. I clicked record on my cell and began playing a melody. It was one I’d been working on for a while, but I hadn’t been able to find the right words to go along with it. I closed my eyes and began singing in a rough voice, the words that came to mind as I listened to the music.
In this moment.
I hate my life.
In this moment.
I don’t want to be here.
In this moment.
I am done.
Because you took me, used me, and broke me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more
I deserve things that I don’t have to fight for.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
But most of all I deserve peace.
My days are dark, and nights are too.
Because every moment.
I think of you.
I think of how we were, how we laughed and how we cried.
And I think of everything that makes me die inside.
Because I miss you, I miss home.
I miss sitting with you alone.
And I miss your smell, your warm hugs and how you fill me with you love.
In this moment.
I hate my life.
In this moment.
I don’t want to be here.
In this moment.
I am done.
Because you took me, used me, and broke me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more.
I deserve things that I don’t have to fight for.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
But most of all I deserve peace.
I want to come home, but you won’t let me.
I want my life back, and it’s unfair.
But I’ll stay here and let you be.
If you need me, I’ll climb the stair.
No matter what I’ll be there.
For now, I’ll stay and miss you every day.
And I’ll do my best to stay away.
In this moment.
I hate my life.
In this moment.
I don’t want to be here.
In this moment.
I am done.
Because you took me, used me, and broke me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more.
I deserve things that I don’t have to fight for.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
But most of all I deserve peace.
I need you to love me and I need you to need me.
But wanting you to want me hurts so bad.
So, I’m asking, no I’m begging you, please.
Let me come home.
Give me my life.
Because I am nothing without you.
You are my home.
You are my love.
You are my peace.
And I need you more than ever.
I hate this place and I hate this town.
I don’t fit in because I miss my life.
I miss it all, I miss my friends.
In this moment.
I hate my life.
In this moment.
I don’t want to be here.
And In this moment.
I am done.
Because you took me, used me, and broke me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more.
I deserve things that I don’t have to fight for.
I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
But most of all I deserve peace.
I deserve peace.
My fingers stopped and I sat up, glancing around the clearing, and breathing deeply as I came to terms with the fact that it pro
bably wasn’t a very good song. It was the first I’d written in ages and I didn’t know how it would go down with the guys. My fingers shook as I set my guitar down and scooped up my cell, stopping the recording and sending it into the band group chat. I asked what they thought of it, but I didn’t expect to hear back for a while. It was a Monday night and they would likely be at band practice.
Chapter Five
Surprises and Sorrow
Cara
I was running through the woods, thinking about my day in school when I saw him. He didn’t see me, but he stepped into our clearing with a guitar strapped to his back Blake was simply gorgeous, with his loose sweats and grey tee that stuck to him, my eyes were glued to his chest. His abs were showing from the way the shirt clung to him. He sat down on one of the logs Marty and I had placed in the clearing, around the fire pit. Marty and I would often meet up here when his dad got too much. Or when his Grams came to stay, because she was an old bat, racist and homophobic, neither of us could handle too much of her. She was literally the worst person we knew.
I stood watching as Blake sat for a moment and then took his guitar out. I pulled my earbuds from my ears and quickly turned my running music off, as I watched him. For a few minutes he didn’t move and then he began playing. It was disjointed cords at first, then he paused for a minute. I couldn’t see what he was doing, so I moved a little closer, still hidden and watched as he began to play this beautiful, intricate melody, but it was when he began to sing, that my mouth popped open. His voice was gorgeous and so smooth, like melted butter. It warmed me from the inside and I listened as he sang of missing his home and missing someone. It was probably a girl, but the words and the melody were hauntingly beautiful and from the little I could see of his face, he was in a lot of pain. His anguish showed and I wanted to go over and give him a hug. I’d ignored him earlier in the library but knowing he was in pain did something to me.
Did I hate him for what he was doing to Marty?
Yes.
Did I hate him for hurting my friend?
Also, yes.
But did I also pity him?
Yes.
As I stood debating whether to go over and speak to him, or whether to just go home, his voice rang out clearly.
“You know, you’d make a terrible spy?” His low voice made me jerk, I glanced up and noticed him looking right at me.
“Hey,” I muttered with a wave and I turned to walk away from him, when he spoke to me again.
“Wait, come back...please?”
His voice was soft. I turned and picked my way into the clearing, sitting on a log opposite him. He grinned at me and I tingled all over as some of the darkness lifted from his face.
“So…” he began. I stared over at him waiting on him to speak.
“So?” I probed after a minute and he swallowed, glancing down at his feet, before meeting my eyes.
“You heard me play?” he asked in a soft voice, that I had to strain to hear.
My eyes met his and held them as I nodded without speaking. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked nervous, on edge or something.
“Did you like it?” he asked nervously, playing with a ring on his right hand and I beamed over at him.
“It was beautiful.”
He smiled wider and opened his mouth to say something else, when his eyes suddenly darkened and he stiffened. I heard the crunch of leaves at my back and I turned to see Marty standing there. His eyes were narrowed at Blake and when I caught his eye, his pain and betrayal shone through.
“My dad wanted to know where you were. I said I’d come find you, but don’t let me interrupt this cozy moment.”
His words were cold, before he spun around dramatically and began marching away.
“Marty,” I called, rising from the log, and jogging after him.
I didn’t look back, even though I wanted to and when I caught up with Marty and grabbed his arm to steady myself, he pulled it away and turned to me with his eyes filled with tears.
“Him. Really, Cara?” His voice broke and I stepped towards him, wrapping my arms around his waist, and holding onto him. He struggled for a moment and then relaxed in my embrace.
“He called me a fag. A fucking fag and he hates me. Don’t let him use you to hurt me, please, Cara.” His words were broken by sobs and his tears fell, landing on my head, as I held him tightly.
“No-one is going to use me. I just stopped because…”
I was about to say I heard him play, but before I could, Blake barged by us. He turned back to glare at Marty and me and almost hissed under his breath.
“No need to be such a little queen about it. She’s not worth the drama.”
His words hurt me, I closed my eyes and turned back to Marty, burying my face in his chest, breathing slowly. Blake stormed away crunching the leaves underfoot as we stood there.
“You okay, baby-girl?” Marty asked and I peeked up at him.
“Sure I am. I’m just fine.” I lied. I was a little hurt by the Blake brush off, but I knew Marty would read too much into me being hurt, so I lied and said I was fine.
We walked slowly back to the yard and each went our separate ways, him towards his house as I went to mine. Before I made it past the pool house, Blake stepped around from behind it and stood in front of me. My eyes lifted to his and for a moment I got lost in their icy blueness. His shoulders stiffened as he stood and glared at me.
“Did you tell him?” his voice was low and there was a harshness I hadn’t heard in it before.
“Tell him what?” I was beginning to feel tired, working out twice in one day and not having had any dinner, made me cranky.
“About me singing?” He stepped closer and I could smell a woodsy, alluring scent from him as I took a deep breath.
“No.” I muttered as he stepped closer with his eyes on my mouth.
I watched as his tongue darted out and he moistened his lips.
“What if I don’t believe you?” he asked breathlessly as he stepped even closer, so my chest was brushing against his.
“Then I’d say you have trust issues…” I answered fervently and lifted my eyes to his.
“Trust issues, huh?” he breathed, and his hand touched my waist.
His touch burned and my skin tingled as his rough, calloused fingers grazed my bare skin. He began to lazily trace patterns on the exposed skin at my back and I began to heat up all over.
“Yeah,” I caught my breath after a moment and he licked his lips again, then his tongue brushed the edge of my mouth. His eyes blazed, he began to lower his head closer, when a loud bird call overhead made us both jump apart, breathing hard.
He shook his head and stepped away from me. I took a deep breath as he turned and jogged across my lawn, disappearing into the trees, leaving me standing there on shaking legs, with a racing heart. I leaned against the pool house door and put my shaking hand over my chest.
After a few minutes, I began to cross the yard, making it as far as the garage, when Blake sprinted back into view. He rushed towards me and grabbed me hard, holding onto my shoulders, pushing me into the wall at the side of the garage.
I was trapped between his arms and the wall, but I couldn’t have moved even if I wanted to, because he was everywhere. His touch completely consumed me and made me forget why I should be running from him.
I was so caught up in his sadness and the blueness of his icy eyes, that I forgot that I should hate him. Forgot that I shouldn’t be in the situation I was in, because if Marty found out, I’d lose him. I blinked and pushed the thoughts of my best friend aside as Blake ran his rough fingers up my arm and held onto my bare shoulders.
“God, I want to kiss you, Cara,” he exclaimed in a low, throaty whisper. My body trembled in response.
“So, why don’t you?” I challenged him and he pushed his body in between my legs, pushing me harder against the rough wall at my back.
“Because I shouldn’t want you. I shouldn’t want to kiss you, bu
t fuck…” His words broke off as he stepped impossibly closer. Our bodies were flush together, and I could feel the rock-hard lines of his chest pressing into me, his erection was digging into my hip.
“Why shouldn’t you want me?” I asked as my tongue licked my dry mouth and I accidentally flicked his lips with it.
“Because I’m not good enough for a girl like you.”
I reached up and ran my fingers gently up his arms, over his biceps and curling my hands around his shoulders, as he fought to control his reaction to me, but it was his quickening breaths and dilated pupils that made me brave enough to continue.
“Who says you aren’t good enough?” I asked in a voice, barely above a whisper, as my hands wound around his neck and my fingers curled gently in his hair.
He froze for a moment and then his eyes burned into mine, before he moved. He ran his fingers across my rib cage, just under my breasts. I was about to combust as he leaned down and breathed into my ear.
“This means nothing. I just need to do this once and get you out of my system, understand?”
His breath tickled my ear and I shuddered in his arms as he pulled back to look at me, before resting his hands on my shoulders and rubbing the skin there.
“What do you need to do, Blake? What means nothing?” I asked in a low, hoarse whisper.
He didn’t answer for a beat and only shook his head as he tugged me closer to him, dropping his hands from my shoulders. His fingers trailed down my back as he wrapped one arm around my waist and one arm across my upper back. His chest heaved against my own and my breathing sped as he lowered his lips to brush mine.
“Don’t read too much into this.” he whispered urgently against my lips, before he licked them with his tongue.
I opened my mouth to speak and he plunged his tongue in, pulling my neck closer with his fingers. The kiss - oh boy – it was freaking earthshattering. My legs shook, my heart raced, and my skin caught fire as we kissed hard and fast. His eyes were closed, and his hair brushed against my forehead. He nipped at my bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth, holding me against him and I wrapped my arms around his back, gripping him tightly.
His tongue plundered my mouth, taking everything that I was willing to give him and more. He backed us up until we were flush against the garage and he pushed his body hard against mine. His lips pressed harder and his fingers curled in my hair.
Nothing but The Sheets Page 4
