by Shayla Black
Reluctantly, he withdrew from her body, unbound her, then pressed a kiss to her soft lips. She curled her arms around his neck and clung, seemingly happy to bask in their embrace.
“I’m glad to hear that. I did it for one very important reason. Well, two,” he corrected. “I won’t lie. I enjoy the hell out of it.”
“I can see why and you’re very good at it. You must play all the time…”
Answering her implied question sent him down a road fraught with landmines. He sidestepped it. “But more importantly, I wanted to play that particular game as an experiment.”
“Did you come to any conclusions?” She was almost too busy pressing kisses to his face to listen.
“I did. First of all, you’re a very naughty girl. And I love it.” He winked. “But you also seemed far more at ease and in the moment when I provided structure to your day. After the grocery store, while you were looking for something to do, you seemed wound up and unhappy.”
“That obvious?” She winced. “Sorry. I’m not good at sitting around idly. And having nothing to do makes me anxious. I don’t want to step on Beck’s toes and take over his house—”
“We all live here.”
“For now.”
Seth tried not to grit his teeth. “If we’re actually going to see if the three of us can truly work out, we have to act like our relationship will last forever.”
“I know. I’ve thought about that.”
“And if you were my permanent girlfriend and sub, I would never want you to feel as if you couldn’t relax here or anywhere.” He flipped off the shower, then smoothed wet strands of hair from her face, trying not to be distracted by how fucking sexy she looked. Sure, he was spent—for the moment. That didn’t mean he was dead. “So if it made you more comfortable, I would offer to provide you a framework to operate in.”
A furrow of confusion wrinkled her brow. “What does that mean?”
“Help you examine your schedule, day by day, and block out times to complete each item on your to-do list. I’d give you tasks to work on during times not consumed by work or school or anything pressing. It sounds elementary, but with that comes full permission to enjoy downtime without guilt or worry. And if you’d like organization to that as well, we’ll talk together and plan activities to fill your time and your soul. How does that sound?”
She fell very quiet. “Like you’ve done this before.”
Seth sighed. He should have guessed she’d catch on. “This, like our game, is special to me. I don’t offer this lightly.” I offer this because I love you.
But if he said more, she’d only demand answers he wasn’t ready to give.
“Is that something you’d be interested in?” he asked before she could think through his response.
“I’m twenty-three. I should be able to handle that kind of stuff myself…”
“But?”
“The relaxing part only winds me up more. I could enjoy it while we were away last week. New places, new experiences. But now that we’re resuming normal life, when I get free moments, I feel as if I should be doing a hundred things…but I can’t think of what they are. And then I get stressed.”
He nodded. “Then why don’t you let me help you? I’ll provide you structure for the next few weeks. If it doesn’t lessen your anxiety, we’ll either tighten it or give up altogether, whichever works for you.”
Heavenly nibbled on her lip. “That sounds great, but will you be as…um, exacting as you were in the last hour?”
He grinned as he removed the condom and trashed it before wrapping himself in a towel, then offered her one, too. “Not unless you want me to be. Then I can be an asshole. That makes the game more fun.”
She wrapped herself in the terrycloth. “I should have my head examined for this, but the harder you were to please, the more I wanted to try. And the more excited I got.”
Heavenly loved the mind-fuck, too. Could she not see how perfect they were together? How flawlessly they all fit in one another’s lives—and kinks?
Well, except Beck’s. They’d have to confront his sadist shit at some point. Seth hoped like hell that would be way later. Now, it would only scare her.
“Exactly. And I have a lot more bastard in me for that. But when it comes to giving you real-life guidance, I’ll work with you, give you a framework. We’ll figure out just how much freedom makes you happy, then go from there. Sound good?”
“I’d like that.” She pressed herself against him again. “You’ve tried to understand and help me. And I’m grateful. How is it possible you were single when you’re so clearly wonderful?”
Seth had zero way to answer her question, so he just smiled and seized the plump lips she offered him, already looking ahead to the framework he could use to help shape her life, not back at his thoroughly fucked-up past.
Chapter Thirteen
Wednesday, April 17
* * *
A few evenings later, Beck watched from the sofa, news playing absently in the background, as Heavenly lifted on tiptoes and kissed Seth goodbye.
“Do you really think you’ll be gone all night?” she asked.
The PI shrugged. “Most of it. I never know when a cheating spouse will hook up with their something on the side, but to get the right shots—and this guy wants audio, too—takes time.”
Heavenly nodded glumly.
Beck should probably feel bad the big guy had to work, but he was looking forward to spending some alone time with his little girl. “Have a good one, man.”
Seth pinned him with a knowing smirk. “You, too. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t enjoy.” While Beck chuckled, the PI cupped Heavenly’s face. “And don’t let him keep you up all night, angel. You’ve got hospital duty tomorrow.”
A pretty pink blush crawled across her cheeks. “I won’t. Be careful out there.”
“Always.” Seth kissed her once more before, car keys in hand, he headed out.
They were alone. Finally.
Anticipation coiled as Heavenly scurried to the couch. It took all of Beck’s restraint not to meet her halfway, toss her over his shoulder, and race her up to their bedroom. But since Seth had been preoccupied with a call from his client during dinner, Beck still needed to lead her through their daily discussion.
They’d started the routine a few nights ago. No major breakthroughs yet, but they’d intentionally kept things light, the questions easy. She was slowly opening up.
When Heavenly sank down beside him, Beck wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. She pressed her cheek to his chest and snuggled in, sighing with contentment. Yeah, he could relate. Life was good. No, it was fucking amazing. It boggled him how quickly the three of them had settled into a comfortable routine and how right their unconventional relationship felt. Until Heavenly and Seth had moved in, he hadn’t realized how much time he used to spend alone. Sure, he worked ridiculous hours at the hospital. Always had, always would. But during his free moments, he’d hung around Shadows, looking for temporary fulfillment.
Now, he’d found the real thing.
Every time Heavenly walked into the room, his heart expanded. The sounds of her carefree laughter and orgasmic screams completed him in ways he’d never fathomed. Each day only solidified his feelings. If they continued on this course, the rest of the semester would pass without Heavenly giving a single thought about leaving.
He hoped.
Beck pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Dinner was delicious.”
Turning her face up to him, Heavenly beamed. “Thank you. I love to cook.”
“I appreciate everything you fix, but if I keep eating like this, I’ll put on a few too many.”
She wrinkled her nose and flashed him a shy smile. “I’m sure we’ll think of some way to work off all those calories.”
God, he loved her innocent flirting. He also loved that she was growing more confident and comfortable teasing him and Seth.
Beck sent her a hungry stare. “I’ll
bet you can help me come up with something.”
“I doubt it will be hard.” As soon as she realized what she’d said, horror lined her face. Then she started giggling.
“You’re wrong, little girl. When you’re involved, it’s always downright steely.” To prove his point, Beck dragged her slender fingers over his straining erection.
Heavenly dropped her lashes to his bulge. A tremor rippled through her. And when she lifted those pretty baby blues to him, he nearly busted through his zipper.
Not yet. Talk first. Play second, damn it.
With a grimace he hoped passed for a smile, he lifted her hand from his straining fly and kissed her palm. “How was the ER today? How’s it been without Kathryn in charge?”
“Shangri-La. I didn’t realize just how toxic that woman was until she was gone. I think everyone but Marcella feels the same. I’m so grateful you and Seth proved she’d been harassing me.”
“We weren’t going to rest until we did,” he assured. “See any interesting cases today? Entertain me. I don’t get the crazy ones in my office.”
“One. It was both awful and funny.” She muffled her laughter with her hand. “This gorgeous woman not much older than me brought in her husband, who had to be at least sixty.”
“You see that a lot here in LA.”
“Well, the poor guy was totally embarrassed. Evidently, he and his wife tried to spice things up in the bedroom…so she inserted a toy in his rectum.”
Beck knew where this story was going but didn’t interrupt. One, because he found it cute she used the clinical term for asshole. Two, because it would defeat the purpose of coaxing her to open up.
“I’m sure you can guess why he had to come to the ER.”
He suppressed a chuckle. “Yes. Did you assist?”
“No, thank goodness. I just held his hand and encouraged him to breathe while Dr. Robbins removed the, um…”
“Dildo? Anal plug?”
“Neon-pink vibrator.” She tried to smother her laughter. “The little thing was still buzzing when the doctor dislodged it. The wife turned a hundred shades of red.”
Hearing sweet Heavenly tell the story was almost as funny as the incident itself. “You’ll never have to worry that Seth and I will go to those lengths to spice things up with you. We’re plenty twisted without anything that requires batteries.”
“Thanks…but that’s not altogether reassuring.” She grinned. “I felt even sorrier for the man when he left. He walked like he’d had a club up his backside.”
They both cracked up again until Heavenly sobered and shook her head. “Sex seems like such a complicated topic.”
“Very.”
“Until I had it, I assumed it was simple. But after everything you and Seth have shown me and all I’ve heard”—she shook her head—“I was wrong. Can I ask you something?”
He dragged his stare from the tempting bow of her lips and met Heavenly’s serious expression, absently wrapping one of her silky curls around his finger. “You can ask me anything.”
“What kind of stuff do you do at Hammer’s club?”
Of all the questions Beck had expected her to utter, that hadn’t even been on his list. Dread kicked him. How the hell could he explain sadism without scaring the shit out of her?
As the wheels in his brain churned, Heavenly settled her small hand over his and sent him a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay. Raine said you’re into stuff I might find scary, so I’m braced. But I really want to know.”
Hammer and Liam’s princess needed to shut her damn mouth.
Lying wasn’t an option. Candy coating wouldn’t help, either. But the dynamics were so complex… Beck wasn’t sure how or if he could convey them in a single conversation. But that wasn’t his biggest reservation.
What if you confess and she’s terrified of you?
“It may sound scary to some. But to a masochist, I’m their salvation.” He leaned in, watching her face carefully. “I’m a sadist. Do you know what that means?”
She swallowed tightly and gave him a tentative nod. “You like inflicting pain.”
“Yes, but only consensually, and never to a submissive who doesn’t crave that release. I would never hurt a woman for a sick thrill.”
Heavenly digested his words for long, uncomfortable seconds. “Release of what? How does pain do anything but hurt? And if not for a thrill, why do you like giving it? I mean…you’re a doctor. You took a Hippocratic Oath to do no harm.”
Beck scrubbed a hand through his hair. Heavenly asked valid questions.
“It’s hard to explain, but in an unconventional way I am making them feel better.” When she still looked confused, he pressed on. “Submissives are unique. No two need the same experience. Some thrive on tenderness, some with discipline. I tended those who grow through pain.”
“But why wouldn’t someone respond to those other things? They make sense. Pain doesn’t.”
“To you. Maybe an example will help.” He gathered his words. “A couple years ago, a sub approached me at Shadows and asked if I’d help her decompress. When we talked, she said she was a social worker for Child Protective Services, assigned to the worst cases of abuse and neglect. The things she described made my stomach turn. By the time she sought me out, she couldn’t sleep, she was barely eating, and she suffered from depressive symptoms. She’d been internalizing her anger and sorrow for almost three years. Nothing had tripped her into releasing it. She was a pressure cooker waiting to explode.”
“Oh, those poor children…and that poor woman.” Sympathy softened Heavenly’s face.
Beck nodded. “I became her release valve. I met her at the club whenever she needed to purge whatever she’d pent up.”
“So…you giving her pain made her release her own?”
“Exactly. In her case, when I gave her enough of the right sort, her defenses crumbled. She let out everything she’d bottled up and finally cried. It was the only way she could achieve any peace.”
“That makes sense…kind of. But what do you get out of inflicting pain?”
Beck squirmed under Heavenly’s dissection. But if she didn’t give a shit about him, would she try to understand his dark side?
“Besides the pride and satisfaction in giving the sub what she needs? For a long time, sadism helped me release my own shit. The pain I created connected me to the sub in that moment and helped me purge vicariously.”
“So, in an abstract way, you’re even healing yourself?”
“Yes. Well, I used to. Since meeting you, I have zero interest in touching any other woman.”
She smiled before the expression turned to a frown. “What about those subs who need you?”
Leave it to Heavenly to be concerned about women she’d never even met.
“I’m hardly the only sadist in LA.”
“Why do I think you’re probably the best?”
Beck shrugged. She might be right, but… “Hammer helped me find replacements for my regulars.”
“You don’t see any of them anymore?”
“No.”
“When was the last time you…”
Bloodied an ass? “Last year, before Christmas.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“Bringing you pleasure fulfills me far more than giving others pain.” He stroked her cheek. “Submissives aren’t the only ones who grow, little girl. Through you, I’m learning the true meaning of Dominance.”
“You didn’t know before?” She looked puzzled by that.
“I never considered myself a Dominant, per se. I never owned or collared a submissive, never guided or took care of one beyond a scene. Sure, I knew the roles of a Dom or a Master, but I strictly identified as a sadist.” He sighed. “Then I met you. It was like a switch flipped inside me. Suddenly, I wanted everything I’d rejected for years. Now, I’m desperate to have all those things with you.”
“Because you think I’m weak or incapable of leading my own life?” She looked hurt.
He
cradled her face. “No. Because you make me feel things I’ve never felt.”
She chewed on that for a silent moment. “What if I asked you to give me pain? Would you?”
No way in hell. But he tempered his knee-jerk reaction. Maybe he could help her understand his sadistic side. Heavenly was probably in the right head space. Or the wrong one, rather. After all, she hadn’t really mourned her father yet. In fact, he was positive she’d been avoiding it.
“Maybe. We need to talk before I give you my answer. Tell me why you want pain.”
Heavenly nibbled her bottom lip. “To develop a better understanding of your experiences and needs. So I can fulfill your desires as much as you fulfill mine…Sir.”
The honorific was a kick to the balls. Was there a more perfect woman on the damn planet for him?
Softly, he stroked her cheek. “When we’re together, you give me everything. There’s nothing more I could want or need from you.”
Well, except you wearing Seth’s and my wedding rings and our baby in your womb.
“Not even to make our connection stronger and deeper?”
He refused to beat her ass simply to quench her curiosity. “We’ll get back to that. Talk to me about your grief. Where are you in that process?”
She cast her gaze to her lap, shying away from the question. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure about that?”
She squirmed in her seat. “I’m taking things one day at a time.”
Since Abel’s passing, Beck had read up on the stages of grief and talked to counselors at the hospital. He felt confident in his assessment. “No, you’re not. You’re keeping yourself busy and pleasing everyone else—especially Seth and me—to bury your feelings. That won’t make your grief go away.”
Heavenly tensed and said nothing.
“You haven’t cried in ten fucking days, since you scattered your dad’s ashes in Wisconsin. I’ve watched. Because you haven’t given yourself permission to break down or because you’re afraid to let go?”
“I said I’m fine.”
When he took her chin in his grip and tried to lift her face to his, she stubbornly resisted. “Pretending you didn’t lose him won’t bring him back.”
