“I wish I hadn’t met you,” I said softly.
He looked stunned for a moment, and whatever emotion followed was shadowed when he lowered his eyes from me.
“I was fine before I met you,” I said. “You’re confusing me, but worse than that is you’re hurting me. And I feel so pathetic because I’ve been so careful, so fucking careful, protecting myself from people like you. But you’re so good, so convincing, because in such a short amount of time, I let you in my life. You asked me to trust you, but you won’t give the same thing you’re asking of me. You’re hot one minute, then cold the next. You say one thing that touches my heart, but then you break it by not saying anything at all—by disappearing without a word.
“I wish you didn’t tell me any of those lies that night before you left,” I continued. “I wish you’d just left, then it would’ve made it easier for me to forget about you. Then I wouldn’t have to worry or feel like I’ve done something wrong to push you away. I wouldn’t have to miss you or keep expecting you to text or call.”
I was showing him my heart again, opening it up so he could shred it…again. Why didn’t I learn? But he had to know, and maybe after this, it would be over. And the thought that it would be over scared me. So I got angrier to mask the fear and fought harder.
“If this is a game you’re playing,” I continued, my voice breaking, “just stop. I know you don’t feel the same way about me, and I’m not saying this to burden you. It’s my fault too. I built you up in my head, expected things I shouldn’t. And I’m responsible for my own feelings. But now I just want all of this to stop. I don’t want to care about you anymore. It’s heartbreaking to care about you. You make it so hard. So just fucking stop. Get the hell away from me.”
I got in my car, slammed the door closed. My tires squealed as I drove out of the parking lot. And this time, I didn’t look back.
* * *
When I parked in front of the local gymnasium, my anger had left me, replaced by a whole lot of tiredness and numbness. Today had been a long day, as usual, but the emotional storm that Cameron brought into my life felt more exhausting.
I grabbed my phone and read the text message Deb had sent while I was in the parking lot with Cameron. She gave me a date when I could start and I replied yes.
I slid out of my car and walked to the gym entrance. I saw my dad priming the poop-brown walls with white.
“Hi, Dad.”
He jumped, the paint roller almost jumping out of his hand. We were jumpers in the family. Even Dylan was—most especially Dylan.
“You scared the bejesus out of me!”
“Sorry.” I laughed and the sound made me wince. It sounded rough. I dropped my backpack on the floor and crossed to him.
The gymnasium was probably over five thousand square feet. It was old, dark, and dingy. The new white walls would definitely light it up. It was unfortunate that they had built rooms near the entrance, where it disrupted the flow of the space. If they took down those walls and moved them to the rear, beside the stage, it would open everything up. It was huge. I wondered how long it would take my dad to finish painting. And how tired he’d be.
“Where’s your helper, Dad?”
He dipped the paint roller in the pan. “He just left. Jamie phoned him, and she said their kid’s pretty sick.”
“I hope Junior’s okay,” I said. “He was just eating ice cream with his daddy in town when I saw him last.”
“Junior will be fine. Boy’s as healthy as a horse. Takes after his pa.” He ran the paint roller on the wall expertly. Up, down. Up, down. He looked over his shoulder at me, smiling. “Been a long time since we went for ice cream, eh, Kara Koala?”
I nodded. I pushed up the sleeves of my sweater, retied my hair in a bird’s nest on top of my head, picked up the other roller, dipped it in the paint, and slapped that shit on the wall.
We worked for a while, my dad piling on his dad jokes, me laughing uproariously. My shoulders and legs were screaming from the activity, but I knew my dad’s muscles were worse. Last time I gave him a massage, they were as hard as bricks.
“You laugh, but your eyes look sad,” he said suddenly, not looking at me. “You ever going to tell me what’s going on?”
I took a deep breath and kept painting. “What did you want to be when you were a kid, Dad?”
“Oh, well. Let’s see.” He blew out a breath. “I guess I wanted to be a race car driver.”
I threw him a look. “You would’ve been a great race car driver, Dad.”
He blushed. “Thanks, baby girl.”
“You didn’t pursue it because she got pregnant with me,” I said. “Right?”
Now I really felt sad.
“I wanted you more than I wanted to drive fast cars,” he said simply. He stopped painting for a moment and looked at me. “Whatever choices I made in life, good or bad, they were mine and mine alone. And if I didn’t choose whatever it is, it’s because I didn’t want it bad enough. And I chose you and your mom.”
“But she left you anyway.”
He shrugged. “She left you too. And Dyl. That’s her choice. You see? She wanted that man bad enough to leave us. And she went for it. The one thing that made me really angry at the time was that she hurt you and Dylan.”
“And you. Her loss.”
He nodded. “That’s right.”
“Are you sorry you stayed? I mean, you could’ve been anything you wanted if it weren’t for us dragging you down. I knew from Charity that you were going to race cars. You had your sponsors; you’d been training. And then my mother happened.”
He shook his head. “Haven’t you been listening to me, Kara?” He studied my face for a moment. “Tell me what’s really bothering you.”
I took a deep breath, let it out. Took another one. “I’m confused. I want something really bad, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing for me, Dad. Actually, I keep telling myself it’s wrong, and maybe it is, but how come my heart feels so tired but my heart is still looking for it? The truth is maybe I just want to make it right, but it’s really wrong.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I don’t make sense, do I?”
He placed his roller on the plastic sheet on the floor, held out his hand so I could give him mine. He placed my roller next to his.
“Let’s have a seat on the bleachers,” he said, gesturing to the other side of the gymnasium. “I want to tell you something.”
“All right.”
We sat beside each other, and he was quiet for a moment. I could feel that he was trying to gather his thoughts, wrapping them in a neat bow before presenting them to me. My dad had always been careful with his words.
“Kara,” he started. “You have to fight for the things you want in this life. Fight for them with everything you’ve got because there will be a lot of people who will try to stop you. Your worst enemy is yourself.
“It’s not a bad thing to want a good life,” he continued. “For your family, for you. It’s not a bad thing to want to reach for your dreams and do everything you can to achieve them. But do them with a good heart and a clear conscience.”
He sighed long and deep, letting it out in a steady stream of air.
“You know the bad things in life you’ve experienced? The most despicable thing you can do is do the same bad things to other people that were done to you. Because you already know what it feels like, you know the suffering more than anyone, and yet you choose to do it to others. Life can beat you up real bad, sweetheart, but don’t let your heart harden to the point where you’ve lost it. To me, that’s disgraceful and heartbreaking.”
I wondered if he was talking about my ma. I knew it had broken his heart when she left.
“Learn to forgive so you can move on to the greater things that are waiting, that are meant for you to grab with both your hands. Once you’ve grabbed them, hold on to the
m as hard as you can. No matter how difficult or confusing. If your mind and your heart are at war, make a choice. Pick the one that you want bad enough, the one that you’ll regret most if you didn’t.”
“I will,” I told him, my voice rough.
“I know it. I forgave your ma a long time ago. How can I stay mad when she gave you and Dylan to me? The one thing I don’t want you to be is sad. Whatever it is, I want you to be happy. The last person who will stop you from doing what you want is me. Go for it. Go for whatever it is. Dylan and I will survive. I know you’re worried about the shop. What will happen will happen. Are you worried about taking this other job? You know Charity likes to help us out. She’ll fill in when you’re away. And if she can’t, you know we boys can manage. Don’t worry too much. Be a kid, be a grown-up, be a woman, but most of all, be you. Just be you. Whatever it is that you want, that’s what I want you to be.”
I was so exhausted by the time Dad and I got home. Dylan had cooked potatoes, chicken, and rice, but I was barely awake. I skipped dinner and showered, brushed my teeth, and went straight to bed. Before I closed my eyes, I couldn’t resist grabbing my phone. I checked my messages. I had messages from Tala and Thomas.
But none from Cameron.
I just felt numb and so worn-out.
Thomas: My patient just offered me a thousand dollars to go on a date with her.
I sent him a reply and closed my eyes.
I didn’t pick up Cameron the next morning. The lack of texts from him told me a lot and, at the same time, told me nothing. When I passed by the lecture halls at school, he wasn’t there.
When my supervisor at the nursing home phoned that night, I took the shift they needed covered without hesitation. I had work at The Yard the next day, but the shift at the nursing home was only for four hours tonight, and I could come home after that and nap for five hours, then attend my morning classes before driving to The Yard. It would work out. It always did.
The next day came and I convinced myself to feel excited, to see that the day was sunnier and that everything would be okay. It was my official first day at The Yard. I went to my morning classes, hoping that I’d see Tala this time, but she texted and said she still couldn’t make it to campus today. I wanted to phone her and find out what was going on, but she said she would be out all day and would let me know soon what was going on.
I told myself to not look for Cameron, but I did anyway. Like Thomas said, accept that the feelings I had for him were real and it would take time, but I’d get over him eventually. I had to believe that I would.
My phone vibrated.
Thomas: Break a leg on your first day!
I texted him a quick thanks and drove to work. We’d sat together in church and had gone out for coffee after with Tala. He’d been a good friend and I was thankful, especially right now. I’d sensed a loneliness in him behind his easygoing smiles. Maybe that was why I allowed him in my circle. I was drawn to people masking their loneliness with laughter. Maybe because I was like that too.
The Yard was noticeably less busy when I pulled up to the office. Employees had a designated parking space at the back of the building, which I was grateful for. I imagined myself getting out of my car just as an eighteen-wheeler came barreling through and making me a splatter in the dirt. Or food for the birds. Yummy.
Deb was less busy this time. She introduced me to everyone in the office and showed me where everything was. When we entered the storage room where Cameron took me to get my hard hat, I felt sad all of a sudden.
I hadn’t seen him or heard from him since that scene in the parking lot. It was only two nights before, but it seemed longer. Sooner or later, I knew I’d see him at The Yard. Or maybe not. Maybe he’d pull another disappearing act. He should join the circus. Then maybe he could disappear forever in one of those disappearing magic tricks.
You miss him.
Was there any point denying it? It wasn’t going to work out anyway. I needed more than what he could give me, and I didn’t want to force him to give more than what he was ready to give because he might resent me eventually.
And I didn’t want to stay with him when he couldn’t trust me because I might resent him eventually.
My heart ached thinking about him. I was tired of thinking about him.
“You did horrible on your first day,” Deb said in a sarcastic tone, patting my back. There was a playful smile on her face. “Make sure you come back on your shift this weekend, you hear? I won’t accept anyone else to take my place.”
I laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
It was almost the end of my first day. It had been fantastic. I really liked Deb. She was a sharp lady, with a dry humor that I appreciated. She had to leave fifteen minutes early today to see her doctor. Her husband was already waiting for her outside.
“You catch on quickly. I like that. So, listen, it’s up to you if you want to stay and file or you can leave now. Just make sure you clock out. I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Bright and early,” I said. “Thanks a lot, Deb.”
She stroked her stomach, pushed up from her chair with a groan. Grabbing her purse, she waved goodbye to everyone who was left at the office. There was only me and Jerika manning the desks, and two other guys in the conference room. I watched Deb as she waddled out of the office with that adorable pregnant-lady walk.
She opened the front door, and just before it closed someone stepped inside.
Cameron’s eyes met mine.
He held my gaze captive. One thought after another raced through my mind in the three seconds that we looked at each other.
One second.
I miss you.
Two seconds.
I hate you.
Three seconds.
I fucking miss you.
Then I yanked my gaze away and looked down at the files in front of me, seeing nothing but his face in my mind.
God, he looked so damn beautiful. That black T-shirt again that molded to the contours of his upper arms and chest, the dark, dirty jeans, the steel-toed boots, the hard hat. A working man’s clothes. A beautiful archangel’s face.
Of course he’d be here. This was his workplace too, but I hadn’t seen him at school or at work all day. To see him now was so unexpected.
My phone vibrated.
Thomas: Be there in ten minutes. Finishing up my charting. There’s a café close by. Let’s go there and you can tell me all about the progress of your friend’s problem.
I focused on Thomas’s text message, but my brain wasn’t absorbing it. I read it again. His work was a three-minute drive from The Yard. Since I was done with work, I agreed to meet him for coffee. He texted back and said the café was hard to find and offered to pick me up instead, so I wouldn’t get lost. I’d save on gas money, so I agreed.
I looked up again, but I couldn’t find Cameron anywhere. When it was time, I gathered my things and clocked out. I stepped out of the building, my heart skipping a beat as I remembered that moment when Cameron covered my eyes when the sun was too bright.
This time there was no sun. And there was no Cameron.
Thomas pulled up in front of the office. He waved to me, smiling. I waved back. I was just about to walk to his car when a firm hand wrapped around my wrist. I looked up and found an angry Cameron.
“Are you getting in that guy’s car?” His eyes looked hard, his voice cold.
I raised my chin. “Yes!”
“Who is he?”
“It’s none of your—”
“Kara,” he said softly. Was it my imagination or was there pleading I heard in his voice? “Don’t go.”
My heart. My heart. Please don’t give in now.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to go with him.”
There was a ringing in my ears. The hope and delight I felt from his
words only made me angrier. More at myself now than him.
“Sorry, boss. I’m done with my shift. Now let me the hell go.”
I shook him off, and he released me. With wooden legs, I walked to Thomas’s car and got in the passenger seat. I could feel Cameron’s eyes drilling a hole in my back.
“Kara,” Thomas said carefully. “Is that your boyfriend? I mean your friend’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah.” I strapped my seat belt on, refusing to look to see if Cameron was still there. My hands were shaking. “That’s him.”
“I think I made a huge mistake,” Thomas whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“I like you as a friend, but I don’t know if I want to get beat up by that. He’s a monster. He looks like he wants to break all of my bones, then feed them to the dogs.”
“That’s why you have to step on the gas and let’s fly the fuck out of here.”
He let out a nervous laugh. “Good idea.”
I wanted to look back, wanted to know if he was still there, watching us drive away. I wanted to know why he stopped me, why he said those things he did. And why he didn’t say the things I wanted him to say.
“Go back,” I said.
“What?” Thomas threw me a glance.
“I’m sorry, Thomas. Head back to the yard. I have to ask him something.”
“I knew it.” He sighed. “You always have this sad look in your eyes every time I see you. If he’s the only one who can remove that sadness, if he’s the only one who can make you happy, go for it. I’ll support you as a friend and drive you back.”
I reached for his hand on the steering wheel and squeezed.
“Thank you, Thomas.”
My heart jumped when I saw Cameron still standing in the same spot, as if he knew I was going to come back.
Make a choice, my dad said.
Then I will.
Chapter 25
Cameron
She was coming back. She had to, because if she didn’t, I was going after her.
There was no way I would let her go. Not with that guy. Not with any guy.
Spitfire in Love Page 25
