“Not a helluva lot. Had a few issues today at the site, but I think it’s all smoothed out now. I sure the hell hope so, anyhow.”
“That’s good, brother. Anything else going on that I need to be aware of?” he questions.
“Don’t think so. Hey, you know that waitress?” I don’t mention the nightmares that plague me every time I close my eyes, even though Reese would understand. Hell, all of my brothers would; they’ve all served and have the stories and scars to tell the tale.
“The one from The Steakhouse? Mandie?”
“Yeah, her.”
“What’s going on? Are you interested in her? Never really seen anyone catch your eye, brother.”
“Fucked-up past, brother.” I take a deep breath and decide that now’s the time to spill it to my friend and president. He won’t judge, he’d never judge. “When I was deployed, I was engaged.” He nods but doesn’t say anything in response. “Anyhow, got hurt during my last mission pretty badly and was medically discharged. She was busy with work and shit, so she wasn’t really able to come see me. Had to do rehab and shit to rebuild the muscle that the injuries damaged. Finally got to come home and life went a little bit sideways.”
“How so?”
“I know y’all have seen my back,” I reply. “I was able to cover a lot up with tattoos thanks to a fucking awesome tat artist I found.”
“Hey now, brother, what’re you saying?” he asks, a smirk on his face.
“Fuck you, Reese. You know I got all of that before you tracked my ass down. No one else has inked me but you since then.”
“Yeah, just fucking with you. Carry on.”
This next part is going to be hard, so I motion to the prospect for a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses. He fills them and leaves them in front of us, along with fresh beers. “You may need this,” I tell him, shooting the whiskey back and motioning for another one.
“Fuck,” he murmurs, before he follows suit.
“Well, what y’all don’t know is the scarring extends down the left side and wraps around to the front of my thigh. Thankfully, my junk didn’t get touched, but the scars are fucking gruesome. My ex couldn’t handle them and said a bunch of shit that she later tried to say she didn’t mean, but the damage was done. Couldn’t get it up any more.”
“Fuck, brother, I... I don’t know what to say,” he states. Yeah, that makes two of us. Here I am in the supposed prime of my life and my dick is broken. It fucking sucks, but what would be worse is if it actually worked and some woman did what Jessa did. I don’t think I could handle seeing revulsion on another woman’s face like I did hers.
“Not much to say, man. Saw a counselor who told me that it was in my head, but fuck, when someone sees you and says you’re a monster and you can tell by the look in their eyes that they think you’re repulsive, it fucks with you. Anyhow, the first person who has even gotten a rise out of me has been that waitress. No clue why either and it’s not like I’ve done more than help her out when her car broke down. But I’m drawn to her, but what if she’s like Jessa?”
Reese grabs the bottle and pours us each another shot. “Well, here’s the thing and I hate feeling like a pussy saying this, but maybe it means you need to explore things with her. I understand that she’s got kids; that an issue for you? Dealing with a baby daddy?”
“I don’t think he’s in the fucking picture. Man, the day I gave her that ride home? She had groceries and I brought them in for her. She had a loaf of bread, some peanut butter and a fucking quart of milk for her and two kids. Granted, one is still an infant from what I can tell, but Jesus, brother, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s struggling so fucking hard.”
“Sounds like another mom we have around here,” he replies. “Remember how Shayla was when Nick first brought her around?”
I nod. She was so hesitant to take any help and had left an abusive situation to wind up living in her van with her little girl. It wasn’t until Nick stepped in and got her to his family that her life started to change. Now, they’re married with another little one on the way. “So what you’re saying is I need to see where things go.”
“Absolutely. Let me know if you need our help, brother.”
“Will do.” I push back the empties and with a slap on the back, head up to my room.
Mandie
Another shift, another fifty dollars to tuck away toward next month’s bills. I sigh as I head out to my car, exhaustion hitting me square between the eyes. At least my babysitter doesn’t charge too much and she watches the kids at my house, so I don’t have to worry about driving her home. Plus, she’s old enough to drive and I always have her text me when she arrives home, so I don’t worry about her being out at night. I’ll take those little blessings wherever I can find them, that’s for damn sure. Before I head to the house, I stop at the grocery store, coupons in hand, and pick up a few things. Something has to give soon because I’ve lost so much weight that I look like a skeleton with skin stretched over my body. I’m waiting to see if I get approved for food stamps, but there’s been an influx of new applicants according to the caseworker who did my telephone interview, and they’re backed up. Regardless, my babies need food and I can and will suck it up. I’m grateful that Juan, our cook and the owner of the restaurant, manages to slip me the occasional meal because he’s ‘made too much’ and he doesn’t ‘want it to go to waste’. He doesn’t push too much, probably because he knows my pride won’t let me take it, but I get at least one meal every shift and since I’ve survived on less, I consider myself fortunate. Best thing I ever did was get a job at The Steakhouse. They’ve helped me so much, especially now that I’m almost done with college. My schedule is late-week intensive, but during the earlier part of the week, I take shifts during the day so I can do my classwork online at night. The tips aren’t as good, but again, Juan and his wife, Maria, do what they can to take care of me.
Once I’ve paid for my meager purchases, I carry them out to my car and put them in the trunk before heading home. I smile when my car cranks right up. Even though I haven’t seen him since, the night that Matt found me after my car broke down was a lifesaver. When my car was returned, it had been tuned up, gassed up, and I found a phone card with minutes in the console with a note to ‘use them’. I tried to find out how much my car repairs cost and was told that the club had handled them, even the four brand-new tires and new brakes. Despite the age of my vehicle, it runs as good as if it were brand-new.
When I arrive home, I head into the house and see Olive, the babysitter, feeding the kids. “Hey, Olive,” I say as I maneuver into the kitchen with the three bags of food.
“Hey, Mandie. How was your day?” she asks, blowing raspberries at Beau so he’ll eat.
“It was okay, I guess. They give you any problems?” I question.
“Are you kidding me? They’re good as gold, Mandie. Oh! I uh, I started a garden in the backyard. I hope that’s okay with you. Mom bought too many seed packets and said they wouldn’t be good next year, so I figured what the hell.”
I smile at her. “Fresh vegetables? Absolutely. They’re so damn expensive right now.”
“Anything I can do to help,” she states. “You good to take over?”
“Absolutely. I’ll pay you this weekend when I get my check.”
“I know you’re good for it, my friend.” She kisses both of the kids, gives me a hug, then heads out the door, leaving me with the two best things I’ve ever done.
“How are Momma’s babies today?” I ask.
“We played, Momma,” Aria replies. “Beau ate dirt.”
I laugh because I can see the evidence of his adventure in gardening all over his face and body. While some may think I’m a bad mother for letting my kids get dirty, I found out long ago it was easier to pick my battles. Olive made sure his face and hands were clean before she started feeding him, knowing I’ll give him a bath. Aria doesn’t look too bad, but she’s getting to an age where she acts like a l
ittle girl, and she no longer likes getting her hands dirty.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Sometimes boys do that. Did you have enough to eat? If you did, I have popsicles for dessert.” They’re the cheap, no-name ones, but my kids don’t care. She nods, so I grab the empty plates and put them in the sink before I get two popsicles out and hand one to her while I hold Beau’s to his face so he can enjoy the frozen treat.
“That can’t be right,” I murmur, looking at my school-issued laptop. It’s something else I’m thankful for because otherwise, I would’ve had to figure out how to go in for classes. Instead, I’ve been able to do the majority of it online. The best part is once I graduate, if my grade point average remains high enough, the laptop becomes mine. “There’s no way I should have that much left over from my grant.” I look again and sure enough, after my tuition for my last class is paid, I have five hundred dollars. My mind spins as I think about what I can get paid and how I can maybe get a little bit ahead for a change. Ever since Alistair left, I’ve been living hand to mouth. I think back to that fateful day and while it’s been a struggle, I’d rather do that than deal with his fucked-up ass.
“I can’t believe you got pregnant again, Mandie,” he growled out, throwing his beer across the room. He’s drunk. Again. Of course, since he lost his latest job, that seemed to be his constant state. I probably should have waited to tell him I was pregnant, but he pushed the issue when he wanted to know why I wasn’t drinking.
“It’s not like I did it alone, Alistair,” I retorted. I’m so pissed at his attitude that I completely missed the backhand he sent my way until my head bounced off the wall. Before I could say anything, he was on me, his fists punching anywhere he could reach while I struggled to stay conscious and protect my face and stomach. At least Aria was asleep.
“I’m out of here, you worthless cunt. Have a nice life,” he sneered as he aimed his fist at my face again, knocking me out. When I regained consciousness, it was because I heard Aria crying, so I painfully made my way to her bedroom to see her soaking wet.
I shake my head to let the old memories go. It wasn’t easy being alone, but I found the job at The Steakhouse despite being pregnant and started college classes so that I could make a better life for me and my kids. When Juan introduced me to his daughter, Olive, I thought I’d died and gone to Heaven. She’s been a godsend to me and my kids and for a teenager, she’s pretty level-headed. The money she lets me pay her goes to her clothes fund, as she calls it. Grabbing my notebook, I start jotting down things I need; both kids have outgrown most of their clothes so that’ll be the first order of business, especially since it’s getting warmer. Aria’s fourth birthday is also coming up, so I need to put some of the money back for that as well. I spend a considerable amount of time crossing through things and adding others until I have a plan. Maybe this is just the thing I need so that I can breathe easy for a little while.
2
Matt
I can’t get the thought of Reese’s words about Mandie out of my head as I leave the construction site for the day. It’s Friday and I know she’ll be working, so I head to the store and start shopping. Once I’ve gotten everything I think she and two little kids will like, I grab a few coolers and some ice, pack it all inside to keep it from spoiling, then head toward her house.
There’s a single light on inside as well as the one on the porch. Once again, I notice that the deck is in dire need of repair and make a mental note to come by in the daytime to see what I can do. I’ve got plenty of scraps that will be sufficient to fix the broken boards. I don’t question why this is important to me as I haul the coolers and bags of groceries up onto her deck. Once I have everything situated, I head back to my truck and point it in the direction of the clubhouse.
We’ve got our typical Friday night party going on and even though we’re not the kind of club to have whores hanging around, it seems as though every available female from around town is here tonight. I’ve said ‘no thanks’ to quite a few and received glares for my effort. What can I say? None of them have caused any sort of physical reaction so why bother. Not only that, but I’m positive that if they saw my scars, they’d run screaming from the room. The only thing that seems to get me hard, even minimally, are thoughts of Mandie.
“You doing okay, brother?” Nick asks as he comes up to the table I’m sitting at, his service dog, Bosco, at his side. Once he sits down and passes me a fresh beer, I notice that Bosco positions himself closer to me.
“Yeah, just observing,” I mutter before opening up the new bottle and taking a swig. “Seems like there are a lot of new faces here tonight.”
“I noticed that,” he says. “Hey, not to get into your business or anything, brother, but I was wondering if you’ve ever thought about getting a dog for yourself.”
“A dog?”
“Shit, okay, so I know you have nightmares. I had them too and since I got my boy, they’re not as often.”
“How do you know I have nightmares?” It’s not something I’ve shared with my brothers – the fact that when I’m asleep, my men visit me. The faces change but one thing never does; they’re always covered in blood. So much so that it flows from them onto the ground. There have been a few times when I’ve woken up that I half expect to see puddles of crimson red around my bed.
He looks down at his bottle then back at me. “I’ve heard you screaming a few times, Matt. When we’ve stayed here at the clubhouse after a late night.” His voice is low and almost apologetic.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Don’t mean to wake anyone up because I have them,” I reply, guilt swamping me at the thought I’m keeping my brother awake at night.
“I was already awake. I still get them like I said. Not as bad as before Bosco, because when they hit, he crowds me until the feelings pass, but that’s the thing about PTSD. We never know when it’s going to strike and rear its ugly head. Anyhow, we’ve got a few dogs at the sanctuary and I think they’re trainable if you’re interested.”
I think about what he’s saying. For the most part, during the day, I’m fine. Sometimes, a loud noise at the site will have me dropping to the ground, but I’m getting better about it the longer time passes. “That might not be a bad idea,” I state. “It sure as fuck can’t hurt.” Plus, with what I do, I can always take the dog with me to work.
“Good. Whenever you’re available, let me know and we’ll meet over there.”
“Appreciate it, brother.” I’m about to say something else when his woman, Shayla, comes over and plops onto his lap.
“Can we go to The Steakhouse tomorrow night, Nick?” she asks. My ears perk up because with it being the weekend, I know Mandie will be working. Now how do I finagle an invitation?
“Don’t see why not. Maybe we should see if anyone else wants to go,” he says, giving me a look. I flip him off behind Shayla’s back and he smirks at me. Fucker.
“Awesome! Me, Corrie, and Kirsten want to see when Mandie graduates. Corrie said she found out that she’ll get her accounting degree and she wants to talk to her about maybe doing the books for the sanctuary from home so she can stay with her kids.”
“Then it’s settled,” Nick states. “Who knows, maybe we can have her do all of our books. Anything to give her a hand; I know she’s likely struggling.” I’m positive of that fact, having witnessed first-hand myself how she’s living hand to mouth. Gotta give her credit, however; despite the fact that she probably pinches her pennies so tight they give change, she’s always upbeat and outgoing.
“What time do you think?” Shayla questions, looking at Nick. “Should we go kind of early?” He leans in and whispers something in her ear and I watch her turn a pretty shade of pink, so I know whatever he said was meant for her ears only.
Damn, I want that kind of intimate relationship with someone. I thought I had that with Jessa, but I was obviously mistaken.
Maybe Mandie…
“Matt? Will five work for you?” Shayla asks, interrupting my thoughts.
<
br /> “Yeah, it’s a short day tomorrow which’ll give me time to get cleaned up,” I reply.
“Then it’s settled. I’ll call in the morning and make a reservation and tell them we want to be put in Mandie’s section,” Shayla states. She leans in and kisses Nick then bounces off, likely to go find Corrie and Kirsten.
“Does she ever slow down?” I inquire, sipping my beer.
“Not really. For someone who had no clue what being part of this life was about, she’s taken to it like a duck to water.” I chuckle because once she was brought into the family, she embraced it with both hands. The three old ladies we have here have shown me time and again that my relationship with Jessa was sorely lacking.
“Well, you’ve got a good old lady, brother,” I remark. Looking around, I see that the party is gearing up and with what I have going on in the morning, I decide to cut my losses and head up to my room. “I’ll see y’all tomorrow at the restaurant. Early day.”
“Goodnight, brother.”
“Goodnight, Nick. I’ll let you know when I can come out and see what you’ve got.”
“Any day is good, just hit me up.” I nod before I grab my empty bottle, toss it into the recycling bin, then motion for the prospect to give me another.
Once in my room, I strip out of my clothes and head into my shower. As the hot water soothes my tired muscles, I drink my beer and think about Mandie, as well as getting a dog to help me with my PTSD. I wonder if she’s gotten home yet and seen what I did. Not that I left a note or anything; that’s not my style. In fact, I’ll probably never tell her it was me. But I make a mental note to stop by the bank and grab some cash out of the ATM to give her a tip tomorrow night. We tip pretty well, but ever since the first time I met her, I’ve always given her extra in cash.
Matt - The Black Tuxedos MC Page 2
