by Pamela Fudge
‘I know,’ Ella hung her head, ‘but it just kind of – slipped out. I’m sorry, Evie, I know it isn’t any of our business.’
I managed to raise a smile from somewhere and assured her, ‘It’s fine Ella, really it is, and of course it’s your business – more than anybody else’s – but I was waiting to talk to you about it when you were all together. Who told you? Not your Dad?’
I didn’t think I would ever forgive Owen if it had been him. He would know, of all people that I would want to talk to the children myself about any developments in my private life and would surely have respected that.
I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until Ella said, ‘No, it wasn’t Dad, though he obviously knows if you’re asking that.’
‘Only very recently, and only because he bumped into us - look, let’s sit down and we can talk about it properly. Not that there’s much to talk about yet,’ I assured them as we moved to the sitting room end of the room and seated ourselves on the couches there.
‘The point is that me dating anyone is only very recent indeed. You must know I haven’t been involved with anybody in any serious way for several years. As it is, I’ve seen Stuart all of three times, so you can hardly call it a meaningful relationship and – to answer your question, Ella – no, he will not be joining us for Christmas day. It will just be family – and Arthur,’ I added, ‘but I didn’t think you would mind that. May I ask who did tell you, if it wasn’t your Dad?’
‘It was Sandy,’ Connor said. ‘She told Alice when she called around to Owen’s with a Christmas card and Alice immediately phoned the rest of us.’ He looked to the girls for confirmation and they nodded.
I could feel the colour draining from my face. Alice being told that I was seeing someone by anyone other than myself was the worst possible news.
I recognised Mai’s,’ She wasn’t very pleased,’ for the massive understatement it was, and was amazed Alice wasn’t already round here spitting her fury into my face.
‘We tried to tell her it wasn’t anything to do with us and you were a free agent,’ Ella said, ‘but you know what she’s like.’
‘Leave her to Jake and Owen,’ Connor advised, ‘they’ll talk some sense into her.’
‘But you don’t understand how bad things are between us.’ I was almost in tears and beginning to wish I had never met Stuart. If only he hadn’t turned up just as I was about to go grocery shopping, none of this would have happened I thought with great futility. ‘She blames me for breaking the family up.’
‘Well, that’s bloody well the most ridiculous bloody thing I ever heard,’ Ella fumed, and I didn’t even bother to tell her to stop swearing because I could tell how riled up she was. ‘You, of all people, kept us together through all the years of us growing up. I don’t know what she’s thinking to blame you for something we grew up knowing perfectly well was going to happen one day.’
‘She’s just upset.’ I felt I had to defend her.
‘Upset that, after years of sacrificing your life for us, you have the temerity to want a life of your own?’ Connor, who was usually so mild, was starting to sound outraged himself. ‘That girl needs to get over herself and realise everything isn’t always about her.’
‘Yes, Connor’s right, Mum, and I did try to tell her that she has her own life and you are entitled to have yours,’ Mai said.
‘What did she say?’ I asked.
‘Nothing,’ Mai grimaced, ‘she hung up on me.’
‘Perhaps I should go and try to talk to her,’ I suggested, but nobody agreed that might be even a remotely good idea.
‘You’ll just get into a row,’ said Ella, ‘and, to be honest, I don’t think you should even get into justifying yourself. She wouldn’t if the boot were on the other foot.’
‘That’s right,’ Mai agreed. ‘Please or offend, Alice always does exactly what she wants and she wouldn’t dream of consulting any of us.’
‘Like I said before,’ Connor chipped in, ‘leave it to Jake and Owen. They know how to handle Alice.’
‘I just don’t want Christmas to be spoiled,’ I fretted. ‘What if she refuses to come here on Christmas day?’
‘Her loss,’ Connor said flatly, and went to move his car.
‘That’s right,’ Ella nodded, and making her way back to the kitchen said, ‘Do you want me to finish doing the sandwiches, or shall I make a start on peeling the potatoes for the shepherds’ pie?’
‘I think,’ Mai said probably wisely, I thought, ‘that Alice needs to learn that they whole world doesn’t revolve around Alice and what she wants. She is a social worker, for God’s sake. You would think that she’d seen all the hardships that life has to offer in her line of work and count herself lucky that we had such a normal and secure upbringing. Now,’ she said briskly, ‘can we please talk about something other than Alice, please?’
In fact, the rest of the day passed very pleasantly indeed, as the children settled themselves in, ‘borrowing’ my spare Christmas cards and stamps, Cellotape and wrapping paper – just as they did every year – and squabbling over the ribbon and tags. That - the ironing board set up in the sitting room and the smell of everyone’s favourite meal cooking finally made my new house feel like a real home.
We were still a family, and if only Alice could bring herself to accept our changed circumstances I was sure she would soon realise that. Knowing Alice as I did, I realised that was going to take time.
Perhaps I should have waited longer to start dating, but when would the right time be? I had hardly ordered Stuart to ask me out, in fact no one was more surprised than me when he did – or surprised than me when I accepted. At least it gave a clear message that I was moving on with my life and, it would appear that only Alice, of the five children, was the one to have a problem with that.
Even Owen seemed to accept it after his first few strops and maybe it would help if he followed my example and found a lady of his own. I was quite surprised at just how odd that idea made me feel and began to sympathise, rather belatedly, with his strange behaviour – though I had no intention of emulating it when the time came.
A definite case of dog in the manger attitude, I realised. We had both accepted years ago that we would never be together as a regular couple, but were very used to the status quo that meant we had all the perks but none of the aggravation that arose when sex became part of the equation. There was a lot to be said for platonic relationships – as ours had proved time and again over the years.
‘You’ve gone quiet,’ Mai commented from where she was wrestling paper around an oddly shaped parcel, ‘and you’ve ironed that blouse sleeve three times now.’
I looked up, my thoughts still miles away, ‘Oh, have I?’
‘Yes,’ Ella agreed, looking up from setting the table. ‘If you’re trying to get into Alice’s mind, and work out what she will do next, I strongly recommend you give up now, because I doubt even she knows.’
‘True.’ Connor joined in, coming through the door with a pile of neatly wrapped packages in his arms and kneeling down to add them to the growing heap under the tree. ‘You’ve always told us not to worry about something you can’t do anything about – and you can’t do anything about Alice or her refusal to accept that you are entitled to a life of your own. She’ll let you know soon enough what her next move is going to be.’ He turned out to be right.
It was early evening and thankfully we had already enjoyed most of our meal and were sitting chatting comfortably for a while to allow the main course time to go down before starting on the pudding. Arthur was admitting that it was a long while since he’d shared a family meal and how much he was looking forward to Christmas this year, when the doorbell went.
My heart lurched as Gizmo ran barking along the hall. I I really hoped that Stuart hadn’t taken it upon himself to turn up unannounced after we had agreed that any meetings we found time for should be away from the house until after Christmas. Before anyone could move the doorbell pealed again, and we all went to move a
t once, except Arthur.
I’ll go,’ Connor waved his hands at the rest of us, ‘it’ll probably be carol singers.’
‘There’s some pound coins in the dish on the hall table,’ I called after him.
The sound of a kafuffle could clearly be heard and Connor’s reasonable tone kept low and then the door flew open and Alice stood there. She looked furious, but also very beautiful with her long blonde hair tumbling in messy curls past her shoulders. However angry she undoubtedly was, Alice, being Alice, had still taken the time to apply her usual immaculate make-up and to choose her clothes with care.
All of this flitted through my mind in the short silence as we stared at her and she stared at us.
‘Sorry,’ Connor said from behind her, ‘I did try to stop her.’
‘There was no need, Connor,’ I found a welcoming smile from somewhere, ‘Alice knows she’s always welcome – just as you all are. Come on in and join us, Alice. We were about to enjoy Ella’s apple pie – your favourite.’ I went towards her. ‘Let me take your coat and then come and meet Arthur.’
‘She shrugged my hands away from her long black wool coat. ‘Don’t touch me.’ She stared, long and hard, at the remains of the meal, at the two girls and Arthur still sitting at the table, and her blue eyes glittered. Her tone was at first sarcastic. ‘How very cosy,’ and then disbelieving as she gave Arthur her full attention, ‘and don’t tell me that’s the new boyfriend.’
Arthur smiled, seeming quite unfazed, ‘I wish I could say I had that honour.’ He stood up and held out his hand,’ I live next door.’
Alice dismissed him rudely, ignoring his words and his outstretched hand to address me. ‘So,’ she said bitterly, ‘everyone is welcome in your precious new home except Owen, and after all he did for us – after all he did for you.’
I felt as if she had slapped me and then heard Owen himself speak from behind her, his voice ringing out as he snapped, ‘That’s quite enough, Alice.’
She turned, and looked chastened, but only for the briefest moment, and she turned her attention back to me as if he had never spoken. ‘How could you?’ she hissed, ‘What kind of mother are you to tear this family apart?’
This was too much for me and I had to fight to keep calm. ‘Does this family look as if it’s torn apart?’ I indicated my youngest daughter and Owen’s still sitting next to each other at the table with Arthur, also Connor, Owen and now Jake standing in the doorway. ‘Nothing has changed, Alice, except that we all now live at different addresses – even you.’
‘You were the first to leave,’ Connor pointed out in what he obviously thought was a reasonable tone.
‘Oh,’ she turned on him furiously, ‘I might have known I would get the blame.’
‘That’s not what he meant, Alice.’ Jake came into the room and put an arm around Alice’s shoulders. I noticed that she didn’t shake him off.
‘Look, why don’t you come and join us,’ I pleaded, eager to calm the situation down, ‘all of you. We can enjoy Ella’s pie and talk about this calmly and rationally.’
‘That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it?’ Jake tried to draw Alice to the table and Mai pulled a chair out for her sister.
‘Not to me it doesn’t and I can’t believe you think so. She’s ruined everything and now she wants us to sit down together and pretend everything is fine. Well, I won’t do it.’ Alice tore herself away from Jake, pushing both Connor and Owen aside, as she made for the door.
‘What exactly is your problem, Alice?’ I asked, making sure that my voice rose clearly above the hub-bub as everyone seemed to speak at once. ‘What have I done that’s so very wrong?’
She paused, and then said with a scowl, ‘You know.’
‘Actually, I don’t.’
‘You split the family up.’
‘The family haven’t split up,’ Owen pointed this out, which saved me from doing so. ‘We’re all here, together, just as we always will be for special occasions. We’ll be together on Christmas day just like most families with grown up children, before we go back to our own lives and own homes.’
‘So she gets to host Christmas and play happy families for one day because it suits her. Well, I won’t do it.’
I suddenly felt unutterably weary. ‘Do you know what, Alice?’ She glared at me, and I had suddenly had enough. ‘That’s your choice and the last thing I would want to do is to try and force you to join us. You have your invitation, and whether or not you choose to accept it is entirely up to you.’
There was complete silence, and then Alice spun on her high-heeled boots. There was an almighty crash as the front door was slammed – so hard that the sound seemed to reverberate for quite some time - behind her.
Chapter Eleven
That was that, then. I had called Alice’s bluff and now, for the first time in fifteen years, the family wouldn’t be together on Christmas day. There was only one thing left to do and I did it. Bursting into tears was an absolute relief.
‘She doesn’t mean it,’ Jake said, though he didn’t sound too sure to me, ‘I’ll go after her.’
The two girls rushed to comfort me, poor Arthur sat there looking totally confused, but Owen suddenly applauded and we all stared at him.
Connor laughed and also clapped his hands. ‘Bravo, Mum, it’s about time someone stood up to her. There are five of us – and Owen – and it’s not all about Alice. God knows what her problem is, I’m not even sure she knows.’
‘Even though life changes all the time she seems to think that whatever suits her can simply remain the same,’ Ella commented. ‘Like a huge family house being kept just for special occasions, with Dad and Evie to living together in it, regardless of their own wishes. Doesn’t she realise that, even if they were in the relationship she so clearly wants them to be in, they would probably have down-sized once we all left home anyway?’
‘Do you mind if I say something?’ Arthur asked quietly.
‘Oh, Arthur,’ I clapped my hand to my mouth, ‘I’m so sorry. We invite you to join us for a meal and then you have to sit and listen to a huge family argument.’
He smiled his calm smile, seeming quite unperturbed. ‘All families have arguments,’ he pointed out, ‘and mine was no different. She’s scared, your Alice, that’s all.’
‘Alice – scared?’ I could tell it was all that Connor could do not to openly scoff at what he saw as a ridiculous statement and, even while I frowned a warning at him, I couldn’t help thinking he had a point. Alice had always given the impression that she was afraid of nothing and nobody and I had absolutely no reason to doubt that.
‘Scared of what?’ Mai asked, staring at Arthur.
‘Is she the eldest?’ he asked.
‘Well, no.’ I was the one who replied. ‘Jake – the lad who went after her - is older by a year.’
Arthur nodded. ‘And she was how old when her father left?’
Owen provided the information and I could tell he was intrigued. ‘She was seven, Jake eight, and the younger ones were three, four and five respectively.’
‘Old enough to recall the fear and uncertainty, and to be afraid of feeling like that again – even at her age.’
‘But Jake…’ Connor began.
Probably - like the younger ones – was able to accept the changes more easily and, to be blunt,’ Arthur pointed out, ’although it was terrible that his mother died, she didn’t choose to leave him, did she?’
Mai nodded her head. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘there is a difference I just chose not to dwell on it. I suppose that was easy for me because I barely remember my biological father and Owen filled that position so beautifully that I can’t say I ever missed him.’
‘Me, too,’ Connor agreed.
‘Owen looked as if he might be the next one to burst into tears as he said gruffly, ‘Thanks, guys. That means the world to me.’
‘So,’ I looked to Arthur for guidance, ‘what do you think we should do about Alice?’
‘I don’
t think you have to do anything very much, except to let her know that you love her and the door is always open. In her heart she knows that and I don’t doubt she will come around in her own good time.’
‘How come you’re so wise?’ Ella went and sat next to Arthur and gazed at him adoringly, and Mai quickly sat in the chair on his other side.
‘If I am,’ he chuckled, ‘it’s because I’ve seen a little bit more of life at my age and hopefully learned from what I’ve seen.’
‘Sit down, everyone,’ I called over my shoulder, ‘we can’t let Ella’s apple pie go to waste. Yes, you, too, Owen, there’s plenty to go round.’
‘So that’s what happened,’ I finished telling Stuart the whole story when we met up the night before Christmas Eve.
A quick drink at the local pub was all we had time for, what with my last minute preparations, and a job he was determined would be completed before the festive holiday officially commenced. He had been late arriving and I thought he looked tired.
‘At least they all know I exist now.’
He seemed pleased about that and I felt obliged to point out, ‘That wasn’t at all the right way for them to be told that I was seeing someone, Stuart, and Sandy had no right to take it upon herself. She’s not even family. I told you I would do it when we had everyone together, and I would have.’
‘Dropping that into the conversation might have ruined your family Christmas day celebrations,’ Stuart pointed out.
‘Well,’ I reminded him, ‘it’s done that anyway. I’m sure that Alice will be conspicuous by her absence, and probably Jake as well.’
‘In that case,’ Stuart said, making an obvious effort not to appear too eager, ‘I’d just as well come and join you for lunch – now that everyone knows about me.’
‘I thought you’d planned to spend the day with your parents.’ I tried not to show how much I disliked the idea.
‘Plans are made to be changed.’
‘Not mine,’ I said firmly. ‘Mine were – and are - for one last family Christmas. You can come and meet everyone once the festivities are over and, if we’re still together next year, I can promise you that things will be very different and you’ll be more than welcome to join us.’
