by Elys Dolan
“Ja!” said Albrecht. “But first, Dave, I think you’re missing something.”
CHAPTER 16
Once Dave and Albrecht reached the castle walls they started to think getting in might be a little tricky.
“How are we going to get in there?” asked Dave. “We’d need a whole ARMY!”
“Worry not,” said Albrecht. “I have an idea.”
“I have sent for help. Now we must wait,” said Albrecht.
“O-kaaay. What kind of help?” asked Dave.
“Just some people I know from my travels.”
Dave still wasn’t sure how true all Albrecht’s stories really were, but he didn’t want to upset him again. “So, why are seagulls carrying messages for you?”
“I’m their King,” said Albrecht. “It’s a funny story really…”
“DON’T EVEN START!” said Dave.
Meanwhile, inside the castle things in the throne room weren’t going according to plan.
“PEACOCKS?!” yelled Gnasty. “I wanted sharks! All evil hideouts must have sharks! Why did you get these prissy birds?!”
“Um,” said Alf. “These were the nearest thing the pet shop had to sharks. Perhaps we could dress them up with fins and…”
“Oooh!” said the King from his little cage suspended from the ceiling. “You must give me the name of that pet shop. I’d like a few more to go in the garden too…”
“SHUT UP! This isn’t your castle any more, tiny man! Alan, get him some slop. That always keeps him quiet. Linda, add peacocks to the list of banned things,” said Gnasty.
“Oooh, yes! XXX Super Hot Chilli slop for me!” said the King.
Gnasty gave up on the peacocks and lowered himself onto the throne. “Now, Army of Evil! I need you to be on your guard. Things have been too easy for us so far. It’s just too quiet. I want everyone on patrol and our defenses tightened. I’ve got a feeling something’s going on…”
• • •
The sun had risen high into the sky as Dave sat waiting under the bush. To be honest he was starting to give up hope.
“There’s no one coming is there?” he said.
Albrecht peered at his watch. “They should be here soon. I gave the gulls very specific instructions, but sometimes they can get confused or distracted by potato chips.”
Then Dave noticed a rumbling coming from the bottom of the ridge. He scrambled out of the bush and peered into the distance. What was that? He thought he saw something . . . wait . . . was that a whale?!
It was a whale. A whale being pushed along in a cart by a troupe of straining mud wrestlers. A lot of ballet dancers pranced past them followed by the foreign legion, a tribe of cannibalistic sheep-men, and an old man who could only have been the snakes and ladders master. All people from Albrecht’s stories!
On top of that, Dave spied a few familiar faces. Ahead of a group of already-rioting peasants, the Bearded Lady was striding along with a first-aid kit and a club. The other knights had come out of hiding, having obviously been forced there by Rubella, who was prodding them in the right direction with a stick. Even the witch had come along, occasionally blowing kisses at Sir Ironpants as she went. It was a real, if kind of weird, ARMY!
Dave ran up to Albrecht. “I can’t believe it! Your stories were all true! You have had a lot of adventures.” Dave thought about this and wrinkled his nose. “Really strange adventures. I mean the ballet? Really? Did you really have a fling with the lady whale? And… oh gosh that thing about your tail…” Dave decided not to think about it too hard.
“Ja, I did say,” said Albrecht. “But we must not get distracted, Dave. This is not the first rebellion I’ve led, so I shall make a rousing speech to the army and then we’ll attack the castle.”
“Right, so then I’ll sneak in, free the King, and get Gnasty while he’s distracted.”
“über plan! Now Dave, I’ve got something for you.”
Albrecht rummaged in his pockets and pulled out the book. “I saved it the night of the feast. I thought you might want it now.”
Dave looked at the book. “Well, thank you.
But… do I need it?”
“I know you’ll do the right thing with it. Now there’s no time to lose.”
Albrecht ran down the hill to greet some old friends, and address his massive, weird army.
He leapt on top of the lady whale and began to shout. “Guten tag! I am Albrecht the trustiest of all the steeds! Today we overthrow the Evil Overlord Gnasty! He may whack us, he may take our boils, he may ruin our rat-on-a-stick, but he’ll never take our FREEDOM!”
As the army charged the castle gates, Dave took the opportunity to disappear back into the drains. He was getting to know them rather well by now. After a few wrong turns Dave popped up in the ladies bathroom.
“Oh. Ah. Hello Linda.”
After locking Linda in the bathroom (he felt a bit bad about that, but he knew she was a bit of a snitch), Dave snuck through the castle corridors hiding from peacocks and panicking Army of Evil members who were shouting things like, “We’re being attacked by a whale! A WHALE!”
As Dave got closer to the throne room he started to feel his legs go weak and the familiar feeling of needing a bathroom. How was he going to beat a massive knight like Gnasty? If only he’d had a chance to read the single combat bit of the book in more detail… no wait, that’s what the old Dave would do. Sir Dave would just go in there, be brave, trust his instincts, and try not to wet himself.
He pushed open the throne room door and peeked inside. Dave let out a sigh of relief when he realized it was empty apart from the King in his cage.
“Ahoy there, David!” said the King. “You’re a sight for sore eyes. How’s Rubella? Would you like some of this slop? It’s the XXX Super Hot.”
Dave had an idea. “Stop eating that slop, Sire! You need to throw the bowl at the bars of the cage.”
“But it’s delicious! One should not waste good slop.”
“We can get you more slop later, Your Highness! Do you want to escape or not?”
“Oh yes, escape! How thrilling.” The King flung the slop at the bars. With a sizzle and a SLOP, the bars melted away.
The King hopped down and Dave looked curious. “Why were you okay with eating that?!”
“It reminds me of the food we used to have at boarding school,” said the King wistfully. “Although we only used to get Classic Brown slop.”
That sounds even worse than dragon training, thought Dave. “Hang on a second, Sire, we still have Gnasty to think about.”
“MwahahaHA! Dave. Oh, I’m so pleased you came back.”
Dave spun around.
“Look at you cowering there with your stupid book,” said Gnasty with a worrying grin on his face. “Still trying to be a knight are you? Well there’ll be no more of your ridiculous dreams because I’m going to squish you so hard the jailer will make slop with what’s left.”
Gnasty hauled up his mace for the final whack. Dave was more afraid than ever. He did not want to become Premium Dave Slop. Sure that this time he really was going to have an accident, Dave did something without even really thinking. He narrowed his eyes, pulled back his arm, and flung the book at Gnasty.
Gnasty’s eyes crossed, and he fell to the floor with a huge
CHAPTER 17
HUZZAH! Castletown was celebrating! The King had declared a whole day of feasting in honor of Gnasty’s defeat and Dave finally getting his knighthood. The market square was bustling with peasants feasting on rat-on-a-stick, listening to Dr. Hilarity’s terrible one-man joke show, occasionally having a little brawl, and being patched up by the Bearded Lady.
Gnasty was wandering about the square with his peacocks. He’d been a changed man since his hit on the head and was a lot easier to be around. He’d also become very fond of the peacocks. Everyone thought he seemed fairly happy, if a bit confused.
A stage had been built in front of the castle. As the bell tolled noon, the King climbed onto the pod
ium followed by Rubella. He scrambled up onto his box and began his speech.
“Ladies, gentlemen, knights, and peasants! This day of celebration is to honor Sir Dave and his bravery in saving both myself and the kingdom. Today I shall officially knight him! First though, I have something important to say. As long as they don’t eat anyone’s home, set anything on fire, and keep the knitting to a minimum, from this day onward Castletown will be a dragon-friendly town!”
The crowd gave a big cheer, and Dave shot Albrecht a big grin.
“And one last thing. Does anyone know who this shoe belongs to?” The King held up the shoe that Albrecht had dropped when running from the feast.
“Ah there it is!” said Albrecht bouncing up onto the stage and taking the shoe. “I wanted to wear this pair for the ceremony.” He put the shoe on.
“You!” said the King “You’re my ladylove? But, you’re a goat! Well, I swore that I would marry whomever that shoe does fit and, after all, you’re still the woman, or goat, I fell in love with. And I admit there is a strange allure about you. Do you still have that pineapple? We can make it work, can’t we?”
“You are so embarrassing,” said Rubella, holding her head in her hands.
“Ermm,” said Albrecht. “I do not think this is going to work. I’m, er, in a relationship.”
Dave raised an eyebrow. That was news to him.
“That’s disappointing.” The King looked genuinely upset. “Oh well, good luck to you. Anyway, to show my gratitude I have devised the perfect reward. Dave, I would like to offer you Rubella’s hand in marriage!”
Dave’s mouth dropped open. This could be awkward.
Rubella stepped forward and held up a hand for silence. “No, Father, I love another. I intend to marry my darling Gilbert!” Rubella held up a frog who said, “She loves me for who I am!”
“Oh, right. What? We’ll talk about this later young lady!” The King was starting to look quite flustered. “Er, sorry about this Dave. I think just the knighthood will have to do for now.”
Dave couldn’t have been more relieved.
“Step forward Dave!”
So Dave ascended the stage.
After the ceremony, once the party was in full swing, the other knights were all busy congratulating Sir Dave.
“Good work, old boy!” said Sir Mightybrow, accidentally clapping Sir Ironpants on the back because he’d misplaced his glasses again.
“Now that you’re a real knight like the rest of us, you should really think about getting a real steed. I know a used steed dealer who can get you a very glossy one,” said Sir Snoz, giving Albrecht a disdainful look.
“Yes!” agreed Sir Butterball spraying pie crumbs all over Dave. “Whoever heard of a knight riding a goat! Haw, haw!”
Dave paused for a moment and then turned to look Albrecht in the eye. “Well I don’t remember there ever being a knight who was a dragon, so I see no reason why there shouldn’t be a steed who’s a goat.”
That shut the other knights up.
Dave gave them a little grin and hopped onto Albrecht’s back. Albrecht turned and waggled his wooden tail before galloping off into the sunset, where they would have their own party. A better party, with a whale, and bare-knuckle board games, and Albrecht’s ex-troupe of ballet dancers pulling out all their moves, and absolutely no slop whatsoever.
CHAPTER 18
To make up for Rubella being engaged to a frog, the King gave Dave and Albrecht a fancy house on the edge of Castletown.
Albrecht dropped another box of Dave’s books that his parents had sent from the dragons’ cave, down onto the kitchen table and looked around contentedly.
“You know I think house sharing will be wunderbar!” said Albrecht. “Do you like washing up, meine Dave?”
Dave was busy looking through Knighthood for Beginners, so he wasn’t really listening. Albrecht went over and put an arm around Dave and gave him a squeeze.
“And you did it! You really became a knight. I could not be more proud of you!” He was looking dangerously teary-eyed.
“Yes, I am pleased,” said Dave, looking distracted.
“What is it Dave? Are you not happy?” Albrecht asked.
“I am happy,” said Dave “but now that it’s all over, I think I enjoyed the adventure more than getting the actual knighthood.”
“Ahah!” said Albrecht. “You see, this is how it starts, the taste for adventure! You know there can always be more?”
“There can?”
“Ja! We could ride off into the sunset now and find another adventure! But you can’t ride on my back any more. It aches really badly.”
“Have you been using that cream the Bearded Lady gave you? Did you know her real name is Mildred?”
“Yes, of course I have been using the cream. I was supposed to eat it ja?”
“You might want to read the label,” said Dave. “Funny you should say that about adventure though. I found this page at the very end of the book…”
Albrecht considered the page. “Well, we’d better find a bookshop!”
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Gnasty became a full-time peacock farmer and never tried to whack anyone ever again.
Rubella went against her father’s wishes and married Gilbert the frog. The family was very disappointed when he didn’t turn into a prince, but they put in a new pond and had to admit the couple seemed very happy.
Gnasty’s Army of Evil disbanded and formed a barbershop quartet. They’re now touring the kingdom, but rumor says Linda may go solo due to artistic differences.
The witch and Sir Ironpants broke up but found a shared interest in the construction industry and started the Gingerbread Building Co. together, specializing in candy cane conservatories.
The King never won the heart of his ladylove and to this day still writes terrible poetry about her.
Rat-on-a-stick guy branched out into snake-on-a-stick. It’s proving popular despite the occasional poisoning.
Boil Man’s boil burst in a freak cart accident. It was a bad day for everyone.
Dame Hilda left the castle and is now pursuing a successful opera career.
Mildred the Bearded Lady is Castletown’s most popular doctor ever. She’s started a support group for young girls with moustaches.
Dave’s parents were very pleased to hear about his success as a knight even though it violates Dragon Lore.
They came to visit Dave and Albrecht, who were both given a lot of new scarfs, mittens, and a lovely hat.
After meeting again at the battle, the Lady Whale and Albrecht decided to give their relationship another try. Albrecht keeps inviting her for dinner, which is challenging because she’s much, much bigger than the front door.
Dave and Albrecht have continued to house share, although Dave seems to end up doing all the cleaning, while Albrecht keeps putting his hooves on the furniture. They’re sure there’ll be more adventures coming their way soon.
Albrecht’s German for Dummkopfe
Aufwachen – wake up
Dummkopf – fool, blockhead (singular)
Dummköpfe – fools, blockheads (plural)
Fräulein – Miss, young lady
Guten tag – Good day
Ich kann sprechen – I can speak
Ja – Yes (pronounced Yah)
Kleine – little
Kleiner drache – little dragon
Kleine suppe werfer – small soup thrower
Können sie mich verstehen? – Can you understand me?
Mein – my
Mein dorf esser – my village eater
Meine hintern – my bottom
Meine Gott! Ich kann sprechen! – My God! I can talk!
Mein Dave – my Dave
Mein kleiner grüner (friend) – my little green (friend)
Sauerkraut – pickled cabbage
Schnell – quickly
Über – outstanding, utmost, extremely
Wunderbar – wonderful
; ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Elys is an author and illustrator currently living and working in Cambridge, England. She works predominantly with ink, newfangled digital witchcraft, and colored pencils, of which she is the proud owner of 178 but can never seem to find a sharpener. When not drawing pictures and making things up, Elys enjoys growing cacti, collecting pocket watches, and eating excessive amounts of fondant fancies.
Knighthood for Beginners is Elys Dolan’s first young fiction book. Her hilarious picture books have been shortlisted for The Roald Dahl Funny Prize, Waterstones Children’s Book Prize, and nominated for the Kate Greenaway Medal.
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Text and illustrations copyright © 2017 Elys Dolan
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