Dirk frowned. But did he really want to be a White Wizard? He’d turn into a wishy-washy do-gooder, helping people out and being nice and kind. How boring!
Needs must, however. Bullets must be bitten, as the humans say.
Dirk held the phial of glowing white liquid up to his mouth and… hesitated. He’d become pure good…
‘No way!’ said Dirk out loud. ‘I’m the Dark Lord, THE Dark Lord, the first, the best…I can’t do this!’
He blinked. He tried again, lifting up the phial almost to his lips, but to no avail. He shook his head. ‘It’s no good, I just can’t do it.’
Dirk lowered the phial and sighed.
Wait a minute… thought Dirk to himself, his hand coming up to his chin, his brow furrowing in evil thought. Someone else as the White Wizard… Hmm… A White Wizard, a Dark Lord and a big duel, and him with an Anathema Crystal. All he had to do was to get them together, face to face. Dirk could use the crystal, send them both to earth where they’d lose their Essences, the wizard would return to normal, the Dark Lord would become that sneaky wretch Grousammer, a rather vulgar failed headmaster, and Dirk could take back what was his. Brilliant!
All right, then, if not him, then who?
‘Christopher, oh, CHRISTOPHER!’ shouted Dirk at the top of his voice.
‘Yes, what is it? said Chris, a few moments later, coming up to the door. Behind him were Sooz and Rufino.
‘How’d you get in here?’ said Sooz.
‘Evil genius,’ said Dirk with a matter-of-fact shrug.
Sooz raised her eyes.
‘Rosapina wants to talk to you,’ said Rufino.
‘In a minute. Now, how would you like to be a mighty White Wizard, Christopher?’
‘You want to play Challenge of the Magi? Here? Right now?’ said Christopher, puzzled.
‘No, no, not a wizard in a game, in real life,’ said Dirk.
‘What? What are you on about this time, you deranged despot?’ said Christopher.
Dirk held up the glowing phial of white liquid. He could feel its effects even now – bizarrely he felt like giving Christopher a great big hug for calling him a despot3. And even stranger, he didn’t want to stretch him out on the Racks of Pain for calling him deranged!
By the Nine Hells, he thought to himself, thank the Dark Gods that Mrs Purejoie isn’t here – I’d call her Mum, and hug her too! This stuff is dangerous!
‘Well?’ said Chris.
‘This,’ said Dirk, pointing to the phial, ‘is Essence of Pure Good. Just like the Essence of Pure Evil, but, you know…Good, instead.’
‘Like that black evil goo that turned you back into the Dark Lord? That turned Sooz into the Vampire Queen?’ said Christopher, a worried look on his face.
‘Indeed,’ said Dirk. ‘You made such a beautifully perfect Vampire Queen, didn’t you, Sooz!’
Sooz smiled weakly,
‘Errr… No, I don’t think so!’ said Chris. ‘She wanted to drink our blood!’
Sooz made a face, and muttered, ‘Sorry!’ under her breath.
‘Well, you can’t have everything, can you?’ said Dirk
Chris raised his eyes. ‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘Anyway, this white goo, what will that do?’
‘Turn you into the White Wizard!’ said Dirk.
Chris stared at Dirk.
‘And you want me to drink it?’ said Chris.
‘Yes! You’d make a great White Wizard. You’re pretty decent and sickeningly good already – you’d become a mighty Wizard! And then you could take on this new Dark Lord, whoever he is.’
‘What? No way! I’m a kid, I’m not a White Wizard. I don’t want to be a White Wizard, not after seeing what happened to Sooz!’
‘But you did so well in Challenge of the Magi, you almost beat me, the only time you’ve ever come close to beating me in a game, ever!’
‘That’s a computer game! It’s not real. And even if I did somehow beat this Dark Lord, what then? How do I get back to normal?’
‘Don’t worry, that’s not a problem, we’d use one of those Anathema Crystals. Anyway, you might not want to return to normal, you might enjoy being a White Wizard – spells at your fingertips, armies of Paladins and Elves to command, the respect of all the so-called Good Folk.’
Christopher folded his arms. ‘That sounds great – in a game! I mean, I don’t want to be a Wizard in real life, right. I just want…well, to be me. I’d miss my mum and dad for a start! Anyway, what if I ended up like the old Hasdruban – a fanatical, murdering nutter?’ he said.
‘Come on, Chris, you couldn’t be like that, I’m sure of it. It’s your turn to be a hero! You’ll be loved and worshipped…’
Chris shook his head. ‘How can you be so sure? No, I’m sorry, Dirk, but you’re forgetting – I’m just a kid from earth, I’m still at school! I don’t want to be turned into a Wizard, I don’t know anything about armies of Paladins and stuff. It’s…it’s just too much, it’s too scary!’
Dirk stared at him in irritation. He shook the phial in Chris’s face.
‘You’d better do as I say, minion, or I’ll…’
‘What?’ said Chris. ‘You’ll do what? You’re Dirk now, you’re not the Dark Lord, you can’t even use the ring any more. And anyway, you won’t admit it but we both know you’d never actually hurt me, even if you could, would you?’
Dirk blinked. By the Nine Hells, Chris was right. And it wasn’t just because he was holding Essence of Good in his hand. He put his hand up to his chin.
Hmm.
It was clear he was going to have to try something else…
* * *
3 DESPOT: A ruler with absolute power. A person who wields power oppressively, a tyrant.
Dirk, Sooz, Chris and Rufino were sitting together at breakfast in the refectory of the White Tower. Elsewhere, Paladins, soldiers, priests, officials and so on were all at breakfast too.
‘It’s difficult,’ said Rufino. ‘Rosapina thinks they can hold out for a while, but if the Headmaster of Doom has an alliance with the Clans of the Undead…’ Rufino shook his head. ‘The armies of the Commonwealth cannot hold out against such menace for ever!’
‘We need to chop off the head of the snake,’ said Dirk.
‘Indeed,’ said Rufino, ‘but how do we get to him?’
‘A magical duel of wizards!’ said Dirk, glancing at Chris. Chris looked uncomfortable.
‘Can’t you see that what you’re asking is just too much?’ said Sooz. ‘I mean, Chris is just an ordinary earth kid, he can’t be a White Wizard. It’s simply not fair!’
‘Not to mention what would happen if Chris actually lost. Have you considered that?’ said Rufino.
Dirk blinked in surprise. Actually, he hadn’t considered that. Chris could get killed! He looked over at Chris, and then down at Chris’s cereal bowl, full of Chocolate Champions he’d brought all the way from earth. But then another thought came to him.
‘Hah, don’t be silly, he’d have me at his back – me and my evil genius! He can’t possibly lose.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ said Rufino.
‘Remember, I’m a Dark Lord too. I was the Essence of Evil. I know how Grousammer thinks, I know what’s driving him and what his weaknesses are. That’ll give us the edge,’ said Dirk.
‘Perhaps,’ said Rufino.
‘Still, it’s a risk – a big risk to ask a boy to take,’ said Sooz. ‘Why not me?’
‘No, no,’ said Dirk. ‘You were the Moon Queen once, the Mistress of the Iron Tower of Despair, the Dark Lady. The Essence of Good won’t be so effective on you. Chris, though, he’s so thoroughly – sickeningly, even – decent that he will make a truly great White Wizard!’
‘I’m sorry, but the thought of turning into the White Wizard just terrifies me. I want to be me, is that so wrong?’ said Chris, taking a spoonful of milk-soaked Chocolate Champions.
Dirk’s eyes gleamed as he followed Chris’s hand to and from his cereal.
‘Of cour
se, I understand,’ said Dirk.
Suddenly Chris spat his food out. ‘Aarrrrggghhh!’ howled Chris, leaping to his feet. His eyes began to water and his hand went to his throat, trying to ease the pain that wracked his mouth and tongue!
‘What’s the matter, Chris?’ said Sooz.
‘He’s been poisoned!’ yelled Rufino.
‘Argh, someone’s put chillies in my breakfast! Water, anyone, please, water!’ rasped Chris.
‘Here you are,’ said Dirk, handing Chris a mug. Quickly Chris downed the contents.
Nobody noticed that the contents glowed with an ultraviolet light…
‘That’s better,’ said Chris, blinking. And then he gasped.
‘Wha—’ was all he could get out as he began to shudder and shiver and shake. He began to change shape. He started growing! Up, and up – so tall! His eyes changed to the purest blue, filled entirely with blueness until they began to glow with aquamarine energy, and his hair grew long and lush and very, very silver. Long white robes formed around him, his skin turning as white as marble with a silvery sheen, like some kind of alabaster saint.
‘Dirk, what have you done?’ said Rufino.
‘I gave him the Essence of Good,’ said Dirk, with a big grin.
‘How could you be so beastly?’ said Sooz.
Dirk looked at her and shrugged a ‘what do you expect’ shrug.
Sooz glared back at him. ‘Oooh, you little…’
Around them, the rest of the breakfasting Good Folk rose up from their seats in surprise. Chris reared up before them, nearly ten feet tall, looking…well, looking like an angel – a wingless angel.
He looked down at Dirk and said, in a voice like a silver bell, ‘You tricked me!’
‘And your point is?’replied Dirk, still grinning.
‘But you called me friend; how could you do this to me?’
‘True, true, but I’m betting that now you’re utterly good, you won’t want revenge,’ said Dirk.
‘Revenge? No, you’re right, revenge is a pointless emotion, it corrupts the soul,’ said Chris.
‘You will be the new White Wizard, the champion of the Good Folk,’ said Dirk.
‘You shouldn’t have done that, Dirk,’ said Rufino. ‘Christopher! Are you there? What shall we do? Do you want us to change you back?’
The White Wizard Christopher paused. A look of saintly calm descended over his features.
‘No…’ he said. ‘No, I don’t think so. I am at peace,’ he said.
‘At peace?’ said Dirk, a little worriedly.
‘I am at one with everything. All is love!’ said Christopher, smiling beatifically.
‘What? What about the Dark Lord? Don’t you want to smite him, punish the evil that he is, destroy his foul works for ever?’ said Dirk.
‘Destroy? No, never destroy,’ said Chris dreamily.
Dirk noticed that Sooz and Rufino and many others were looking up at Chris, looking up at him with happiness on their faces too. Christopher was literally radiating an aura of love and peace and it was beginning to affect those around him.
Not Dirk, though, obviously.
‘Hey,’ said Dirk. ‘We need you to lead the armies of the Commonwealth against the Headmaster of Doom! We need you to be a White Wizard at war!’
Chris looked down at Dirk. ‘I’m sorry, Dirk, but don’t you see? Violence is wrong.’
‘Uh-huh, and what are we going to do when he comes to kill us all with an army of the undead?’ says Dirk.
‘I shall reason with him,’ said Angel Chris.
‘He’s a headmaster, Christopher! Since when have they listened to reason?’
‘It doesn’t matter, Dirk, all that is an illusion,’ said Christopher, who then sat and folded his legs into the lotus position, holding his arms out to either side. He closed his eyes – and began to float.
Around him, all was love and peace…
Dirk put his hands on his hips and stared. This wasn’t quite working out how he’d planned!
‘You have to help me, Susan Black!’ said Dirk angrily.
Sooz and Dirk were sitting in the White Wizard’s Inner Sanctum, Dirk in the wizard’s chair, Sooz perched on the edge of his massive oaken desk. They were having an argument – a big argument.
‘I won’t help you lie to Christopher like that, it’s not right!’ retorted Sooz. ‘You’ve already tricked him once!’
‘But he’s not going to do anything if we don’t. He’s just going to sit there spreading peace and love around like so much manure!’ said Dirk. ‘Holy manure, but manure nonetheless.’
‘What’s wrong with that? This world could do with it!’ said Sooz.
‘He has to lead us in battle against the Headmaster of Doom, don’t you see? It’s the only way we can defeat him, and restore me to the throne.’
‘So you want me to pretend to Chris that Grousammer has kidnapped his mum, just so you can sit on the Throne of Skulls once more, is that it?’
‘Well, yes, exactly… NO, no, I mean, so we can save the Commonwealth and the Darklands. Rescue whatshisname… So we…umm…we can have peace!’ said Dirk.
‘Oh, please, you’re sounding ridiculous now,’ said Sooz.
‘But there’s no other way! He won’t listen to reason, he’s off “being at one with the universe”, whatever that means. Off with the fairies, more like!’
Sooz shook her head. ‘First of all, you play an awful trick on Chris, and turn him into something he doesn’t want to be. Then when it turns out you can’t manipulate him in the way you want to, you decide to make up a horrible story about his mum being kidnapped and threatened with death, just to get him to do what you want, to get what you need done!’
‘Yes. And your point is?’
Sooz sighed. ‘The point, Dirk, is that you should be doing everything in your power to get Christopher back to normal!’
‘I am! It’s just that he has to have a duel with Grousammer first,’ said Dirk.
‘Well, I’m not going to get involved in that, all right? I’m not going to be party to such a monstrous lie, and that’s that!’ said Sooz, huffily crossing her arms. ‘In fact, if you so much as mention to him that his mum has been kidnapped, I’ll tell him the truth, that it’s all one big lie, made up by his so-called friend – you!’
Dirk glowered. ‘I see,’ he said, menacingly.
‘What are you plotting now?’ said Sooz, worriedly.
Dirk shrugged. He stood up, and walked to the door. ‘There’s a reason I asked you to meet me here, and it wasn’t just so we could talk in secret.’
Sooz’s eyes narrowed. ‘What are you up to, you scheming tyrant?’ she said.
‘Scheming tyrant? Thanks, that’s been one of my aspirational goals for a while now! Anyway, you leave me no choice, my little Moon Queen,’ said Dirk.
‘What do you mean?’ said Sooz.
Suddenly Dirk darted out of the room and slammed the door shut.
‘Hey!’ screeched Sooz, her voice muffled from the inside of Hasdruban’s office.
‘Only I know the code to the door, Sooz. You’re going nowhere!’ said Dirk.
‘What? You wouldn’t dare!’ said Sooz.
‘I wouldn’t dare? Hah, of course I would! You’ll be OK, Sooz, there’s food in the cupboard, and a bed in there. I’ll come and get you after I’ve persuaded Chris to deal with Grousammer, I promise!’
‘Come back here right now, you little monster!’ shrieked Sooz from inside.
‘Oh no, Sooz, sorry, but I can’t have you running around ruining all my plans!’ said Dirk.
‘NOOooo… Let me out, let me out now!’ said Sooz, hammering on the door.
Dirk marched into the room Chris had taken in the tower – a wide, windowed space near the top, airy and quiet. The White Wizard Christopher was sitting cross-legged, meditating. Rufino was next to him, also attempting to meditate, but not really succeeding.
‘Greetings, your Dirkness,’ said Rufino, getting to his feet.
&nb
sp; ‘Grousammer sent me this,’ said Dirk, holding a letter in his hand. ‘It’s for Christopher.’
Christopher opened his eyes and rose up serenely. A frown broke the tranquil stillness of his face.
‘From the new Dark Lord? What does he want?’ said Chris.
‘Here, read it,’ said Dirk, handing the letter to Chris. The letter, in scraggly, scratchy letters (Dirk’s best attempt to forge Grousammer’s handwriting), said:
Greetings, White One – or should I say
Christopher Purejoie? I know you, boy! And
I have your mother, Mrs Purejoie, locked up
in the Dungeon of Doom, along with your
absurd headmaster, Hasdruban!
Face me in battle – a great duel of the White
vs the Dark, and if you win, you can free
your mother. If I win, I shall feed all of you
to my vampires! Mwah, hah, hah!’
The White Wizard Christopher read the letter and sighed before passing it over to Rufino.
‘What a waste of a mind, to be so obsessed with conquest and death. I feel sorry for Grousammer now that he has fallen so deeply into darkness,’ said Christopher.
Dirk folded his arms. Sorry for him? That old bat, that usurping villain of villains, that beardless freak? Why would anyone feel sorry for him? Dirk shook his head. This holy stuff was weird.
Rufino frowned. ‘Strange reading, this letter. Sounds more like…well, you, Dirk! It’s like the sort of thing you would say.’
Dirk gulped. ‘Umm…well…well he would, wouldn’t he? Being a Dark Lord and everything – what would you expect?’
‘I don’t know, being this ex-headmaster thing you told me about, well, something a bit more… educated, I suppose,’ said Rufino. ‘Also, tactically it seems like a mistake. Why expose himself like this, when he is gaining the upper hand?’
The Headmaster of Doom Page 5
