‘Just a second, Headmaster,’ said Sooz, stepping forward. ‘You haven’t even had any tea yet. And look at those cakes and cucumber sandwiches. Surely the apocalypse can wait a little longer?’
Grousammer paused. Dirk held his breath.
‘After all,’ said Sooz, ‘once you’ve unleashed the zomboy apocalypse there’ll never be a high tea again. Not like this. Not ever again. Will there?’
Grousammer blinked. ‘That true, that’s true.’ He rubbed his red, raw chin. ‘Fine, fine, you’re right,’ he said, sitting back down, ‘but don’t think this will get you out of punishment for your long list of misdemeanours, young lady!’
‘Of course not, I’ve got thousands and thousands of lines to write out, I’m sure. I’ve been very bad!’
Grousammer looked up at her and scowled. He must have known Susan Black was nearly as tricky as Dirk Lloyd – and that was saying something! Rufino again tried to move things on, handing him the menu, which Grousammer snatched.
White Tower High Tea Menu
A selection of finger sandwiches
Cucumber and elvish cream cheese Smoked White Lake salmon and dill mustard Interplanar egg mayonnaise with chopped
shallots and watercress
Good folk pastries and cakes
Fruits of the elvish forest and chocolate
gateaux
Strawberry tart a la Skirrit
Buttered crumpets with Blood Bean jam
Selection of teas
Earl White Tea
White Tower Breakfast Blend
Wizard Tea
Bitter Borderlands Blend
‘Hmmm…’ said Grousammer, perusing the menu. ‘I’ll have the Bitter Borderlands, I think!’
‘Of course, Headmaster,’ said Rufino, playing the waiter to perfection, leaning over and pouring the tea into the headmaster’s cup. ‘And for you, your Holiness?’ said Rufino, turning to Christopher.
‘Whatever you think is best, Rufino. I’ve no time for tea! We’ve got far more important things to discuss, such as how to resolve this situation without bloodshed,’ said Chris in a calm, peaceful voice. ‘What do you think, Headmaster?’
Grousammer leant forward and poured a little milk into his tea. ‘Bloodshed? What do I care if my Orcs and Goblins shed their blood!’ At that, Skabber frowned in disgust…but the Dark Headmaster continued. ‘And as for the rest of my army, they will be drinking your people’s blood!’
‘But there’s no need for any of that,’ said Christopher earnestly. ‘Don’t you see that violence is wrong, that it doesn’t solve anything and only creates cycles of further violence, just like what’s been going on here with these endless wars between the Commonwealth and the Darklands?’
Grousammer spooned some sugar into his teacup and stirred. ‘This time, though, I’ve got the Clans of the Undead. And all that stuff I brought over from earth. This time violence is going to solve everything because we’re going to crush you utterly and I will rule over what remains of your people for ever and ever!’ He stared wildly at Chris, jutting out his chin, before raising his cup of tea to his lips, a bony, taloned little finger sticking out to the side elegantly.
Dirk sucked in his breath in anticipation but at the last moment, Grousammer paused.
‘Wait a minute,’ he said. ‘I’m not drinking any of this until after you’ve had a sip! Not after that story about Pollus the Polite getting poisoned!’
‘What?’ said Christopher. ‘I’m not interested in tea, for goodness sake! We need to find some common ground, to resolve this peacefully. I’m sure we can – we have to, to avoid bloodshed. Don’t you see that?’
‘Don’t you see that half of my army needs blood to be shed just so they can go on living? Well, technically they’re not alive anyway, but you take my point, right?’ said Grousammer.
‘Come now,’ said Chris exuding the most calming, loving, kind, peaceful aura of gentleness. ‘Can’t we come to some kind of accommodation?’
Around him, Sooz, Rufino, Skabber and the Lamia Lucina were all affected in some way. They smiled peacefully and nodded. Surely there would be peace? They could live together, harmoniously. Love would prevail. Even the Black Hag frowned in puzzlement as if she were feeling something she hadn’t felt in many years. Only Dirk and Grousammer remained unaffected.
Grousammer drummed the table with his fingers. ‘Look, are you going to drink your tea? I’d really like to try it myself. The same with those sandwiches and cakes, but I’m not touching anything until you do.’
‘How can you think of tea and cakes at such a moment?’ said Chris.
‘Bah, what a sanctimonious fool you have turned out to be, Christopher Purejoie! Had I known what your vocational choices were going to be, I would have expelled you immediately,’ said the Headmaster of Doom.
Dirk stepped forward and said to Christopher, ‘Why not have some tea, your Holiness? Perhaps if Grousammer has some tea and cake that will put him in a better mood?’
‘Hah,’ said Grousammer. ‘Good advice from the chief delinquent of all delinquents! Sip your tea, take a bite out of one of those cucumber sandwiches, and have a slice of gateau. I’m eager to try those myself!’
Christopher sighed. ‘And if I do, will you discuss peace terms?’
‘Oh, of course, of course! We can discuss them, sure!’ said Grousammer exchanging a look with Lucina the Lamia – a ‘what an idiot he is’ look, that everyone else could see except Christopher.
‘Well, all right, then,’ said Chris, and he took a sip of his tea. And then a little more. Then he took a bite of a sandwich.
‘No, not that one! I hate fish. That one, the cucumber and elvish cream cheese. I want to try that,’ said Grousammer.
‘Oh, I see, terribly sorry,’ said Chris, grabbing a cucumber sandwich and taking a bite out of it. ‘Mmm, that’s actually pretty good,’ said Chris. ‘Cheesy!’ He wolfed the rest of it down.
‘Good, good. Now the cake. Go on, the chocolatey one,’ said the Headmaster of Doom.
Chris raised his eyes. ‘All right, all right.’ And he took a slice of cake and ate a mouthful, before putting it back down.
Grousammer stared at him. Nothing happened. Chris raised his eyebrows.
‘Fine!’ said Grousammer and he grabbed a cucumber sandwich and took a bite himself.
‘Hah, finally, something we can agree on,’ said the Headmaster. ‘They are indeed excellent!’
Then he took a slice of gateau and, using a small silver fork, delicately ate a mouthful or two. ‘Mmm…’ he mumbled as he slurped another sip of tea, his fine manners beginning to break down in the face of such yumminess.
Dirk couldn’t help himself – a slow grin began to take shape on his face. Grousammer narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
‘What are you grinning about, boy?’ he said.
And then Christopher began to choke…
Christopher put a hand up to his throat and let out a gargled cry of distress.
Grousammer surged to his feet once more. ‘Aiiieee! Poison!’ was all he could get out. Behind him, Skabber reached for his sharpened steel ruler, the Black Hag crouched, hands out, iron talons at the ready, and Lucina the Lamia reared back, ready to change at any moment.
Sooz looked over at Dirk, who was smiling. But Rufino, who clearly had no idea what was going on, stepped forward and slapped Chris on the back.
‘No, no, of course not, we wouldn’t poison the Holy One just to poison you, now would we? I’m sure it’s just some tea gone down the wrong way,’ he said, giving Chris another slap on the back.
Grousammer hesitated. ‘I’d put poison in everyone’s tea, just to get one of you, of course, but… No, you lot wouldn’t do that, would you?’ he said.
But Christopher still wasn’t all right. Suddenly he stood up, put his hands on the table. ‘Something…wrong…inside…’ he said through gritted teeth.
And then Grousammer started to choke. ‘Wait…you did! You poisoned us both. How could you…?’ sh
rieked Grousammer, pointing a bony hand at Dirk.
Dirk put his head back and let loose a mighty ‘Mwah, hah, hah!’ that echoed around the tent.
Grousammer staggered. ‘Kill them! Kill them all,’ he said to his retainers. The Black Hag hissed and stepped forward, claws at the ready. Lucina began changing into a big, powerful ogre and Rufino readied himself for battle. They were outnumbered. Things were looking bad when Skabber stepped up next to Rufino.
‘If that Dark Lord’s on the way out, well, I figures I’ll fight for the old one, even if he is a human kid,’ he said.
Rufino grinned and slapped the big Orc on the back, whilst Lucina and the Black Hag bared their teeth and growled. Now they were the outnumbered ones!
‘Gah…’ croaked Grousammer. ‘It’ll be 666 of the best for you next time, Skabber!’
The Black Hag, Lucina, Rufino and Skabber were squaring off against each other when Dirk said, ‘Enough, you idiots, it’s already over! I ground an Anathema Crystal up, put it in the tea and cake. I bet you didn’t prepare for that, eh, Headmaster? Bet you’ve got no protection against a crystal you’ve ingested, rather than just shattered in the usual way, eh?’ said a grinning Dirk.
The Holy One and the Headmaster of Doom looked at each other, their eyes widening in shocked surprise.
‘NOOOOOoooooooooo!’ they both said at the same time.
And then Christopher vomited – all over the tea table. And his vomit was white, a pure ultraviolet white that sprayed all over the tea and cakes.
‘Essence of Good!’ said Sooz, as Lucina and the Black Hag reared backward in disgust. Christopher began to shrink, rapidly turning back into a blonde-haired, blue-eyed thirteen-year-old boy from Sussex.
Grousammer’s eyes rolled up into his head. His head fell back and then rocked forward suddenly, his mortarboard flying through the air and hitting Dirk on the head. A stream of black liquid was vomited out of the headmaster’s mouth, black and glistening. It too splashed on to the tea table.
‘Essence of Evil!’ said Sooz.
Dirk, momentarily stunned, a gash over one eye where the corner of the mortarboard had caught him, shook his head to clear his vision, and saw the Headmaster of Doom reverting rapidly to his original form too – a tall, gangly fellow with dark red hair, a square face and a long, craggy nose. His tattered clothes had turned back into a raggedy old green suit – the same one he used to wear when he was headmaster of Whiteshields School back on earth – his deadly cane now a simple old walking stick.
He sat on the floor, a bemused expression on his face. And then his expression hardened and he scowled angrily. ‘Curse you, Lloyd, you little fiend, curse you! I loved being the Headmaster of Doom. It was my destiny, my fate to rule!’ He scrabbled to his feet, and lurched over to the table, hands ready to scoop up the Essence of Evil and slurp it back down.
Except that it wasn’t there any more. The Essence of Good and the Essence of Evil had joined together on the table to form a large, gloopy pile of grey sludge. Grousammer stared down at it.
‘Wha—’ was all he could get out.
‘Hah, Essence of…hmm…what, exactly?’ said Sooz.
‘Neutrality?’ said Rufino.
‘Disinterested amorality?’ said Dirk.
‘Essence of Sitting on the Fence, perhaps,’ added Sooz.
Everyone stood and stared at the pile of grey goo for a moment, forgetting all their enmities and disagreements. It seemed to exude a feeling of…world-weary laziness – a feeling of not being bothered or not doing anything because it wasn’t really worth the trouble.
‘Well…what now?’ said Lucina the Lamia, seeming to snap out of her lethargy.
‘Now everyone goes home. You can’t go on without the Headmaster of Doom. The Clans of the Undead will return to Sunless Keep in the Deadlands. The Orcs and Goblins will look to their original leader – me! I’ll sit on the throne once more,’ said Dirk.
‘Good,’ said Skabber. ‘Me ready to serve, my Lord!’
Lucina and the Black Hag exchanged a look.
‘So be it,’ croaked the Black Hag in a voice like sand.
‘What about me?’ whimpered Grousammer.
‘You’re going back with us to earth, where you can get a proper job!’ said Sooz.
‘A job? Noooo, anything but that!’ said Grousammer
‘Whatever,’ said Sooz. ‘I’ve had enough. Let’s get out of here… Which way, though – the White Tower or the Iron Tower?’
Dirk put a hand to his chin. ‘Actually, I don’t really know!’ he said. He felt something on his finger. The Great Ring! It had come back to life, its runes writhing with a fiery glow. Dirk’s heart filled with exultation. He was the rightful Dark Lord once more.
‘I think perhaps the Iron Tower, after all,’ said Dirk.
Dirk was standing outside the school gates waiting for Chris and Sooz, who were walking down the lane towards him. It was the first day back at school, and also the first time they’d had a chance to talk properly since the events in the Royal Pavilion back in the Darklands.
Dirk walked up to greet his friends. ‘Good to have you back, your Holiness,’ said Dirk, putting an arm around Chris and grinning madly.
But Chris shrugged him off. ‘Hey, I’m not the Holy One any more – and I haven’t forgiven you! You tricked me, turned me into the White Wizard, after I told you not to!’
‘Hey, sorryyyy for saving the world – again!’ said Dirk, throwing his hands in the air.
‘And what about me?’ said Sooz. ‘You locked me in the top of the White Tower, and because of that I ended up locked in the bottom of the Iron Tower! You’re the worst – a lying liar and a tricksy trickster!’
‘Well, it all turned out right in the end, didn’t it?’
‘Turned out right? Hah, easy for you to say. You weren’t turned into some kind of holy wotsit and surrounded by an army of ravenous vampires!’ said Chris.
‘Or tied up in chains and thrown into a dungeon!’ said Sooz.
‘Oh, come on, I still saved you both!’ said Dirk.
‘Please, don’t pretend like we owe you now,’ said Chris, raising his eyes.
A figure slowly walked towards them. It was Grousammer – now the school janitor after Hasdruban had shown mercy and given him a job (as much to keep an eye on him as anything else).
The three of them stopped and stared at him as he approached but he ignored them.
‘I could have been king of the world…’ muttered Grousammer to himself as he shambled by.
Dirk smiled wryly. Sooz shook her head and got back to the discussion they were having. ‘So, wait – you get someone imprisoned and then free them but expect them to remember only the bit where you let them out?’ said Sooz.
‘Well…you know, it was all part of my master plan. No one died or anything, right?’ said Dirk.
‘Your master plan? The one that kept going wrong!’ said Chris.
‘It went right in the end, though!’ said Dirk.
They fell silent, glaring at each other, arguments exhausted.
‘Leader of the Unfree World. Could have been me,’ they could just hear Grousammer mumble, holding up his old walking stick as he shuffled through the school gates.
Sooz, Chris and Dirk exchanged looks. They couldn’t help themselves. They started to laugh.
From a second-storey window a white-bearded head leaned out – the headmaster, old Hasdruban.
‘Come on, children, it’s time to sign in!’ he said in his kindly voice.
‘Yes, Headmaster!’ said the Dark Lord, the Moon Queen and the Holy One together. They turned and headed through the school gates, grinning at each other happily.
THE END
ORCHARD BOOKS
First published in Great Britain in 2017 by The Watts Publishing Group
This eBook edition published in 2017
Text © Fabled Lands 2017
Illustrations © Dan Boultwood 2017
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illustrator have been asserted.
All characters and events in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
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ISBN 978 1 40834 143 8
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The Headmaster of Doom Page 11
