Worth the Weight

by Eileen Palma

  “I just don’t get it. You could be with any guy in Manhattan and you pick some chubby guy who lives with his sister?”

  “When I’m with Jack, none of the other bullshit in my life matters. He gets me to loosen up.”

  “So that’s it.” Dana stopped dead in front of the door. “You’ve been walking bowlegged ever since that second date of yours when you and your dog did the walk of shame home.”

  Kate smacked Dana in the arm and pushed her through the exit. “Dana!”

  “Holy shit!” Dana stopped on the sidewalk. “This explains what a good mood you’ve been in.”

  “I’m not going to lie. Jack is pretty gifted in that area.”

  Dana cut Kate off. “I knew there had to be more to this guy than meets the eye.”

  “But it’s not just that. We have a real connection.”

  “Let’s just hope that all that super-sized sex hasn’t made you put your blinders up. The last thing you need in your life is another Dining on a Dime fiasco.”

  “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind. Not sure if Jim Morrison was tripping on acid when he said this, but you have to admit the guy had a point. Wonder what he would have thought about Twitter and Facebook.”

  Jack Moskowitz, Northeastern Entrepreneur Summit

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “What is it with you and sleeping on the couch?” asked Lauren as she moved Jack’s legs over and sat next to him.

  Jack tried to pull the blanket over his face, but Diesel jerked it away with his paw and scraped his tongue across Jack’s stubble-covered cheeks.

  “I made you breakfast,” said Lauren, in the same cajoling tone Harper used when she wanted something.

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost time for you to take me to practice. But if you’re tired I could just walk by myself.”

  Jack sat up, “And have your dad pull out a can of military whoop ass on me when he comes home. No way.”

  Lauren pushed a plate in his lap. “Turkey, peperoni, mustard and pickles on cinnamon raisin bread.”

  “That’s your favorite, not mine.” But as Jack sat up, he realized he was hungry enough to eat just about anything.

  “Trust me, you’re gonna love it.”

  “What happened to eating cereal for breakfast?”

  “We’re all out. Besides, it’s almost two in the afternoon.”

  “Shit. I’ve gotta teach you to make coffee.” Jack took a large bite of the sandwich and chased it with some flat Diet Coke from the can on the coffee table.

  “You’re a disaster, Uncle Jack.”

  “I was up…” started Jack.

  “Late working. I know, I know.” Lauren shook her head back and forth.

  “Thanks for looking out for me.” Jack took another bite and wasn’t surprised when it didn’t taste any better than the first.

  “Someone’s got to take care of you with mom away.” Lauren looked at her watch. “You’ve got ten minutes to eat and put on some clean clothes.”

  “Did you finish your list of chores?”

  “Everything but cleaning up after Diesel in the yard. Ran out of time.”

  “Pretty convenient.”

  “Have you forgotten what an idiot I was yet? I hate being on punishment.”

  “Can’t forget while I still have this.” Jack pointed to the fading blue-black ring around his eye.

  “When it goes away can I be off punishment?” Lauren took a step closer and examined Jack’s eye.

  “Fine. You never told me what you and Kate talked about the other day.”

  “Not you if that’s what you’re wondering. She told me about when she was a kid, and about filming the show and living with Mrs. Fink. All sorts of stuff.” Lauren stole a small bite of the untouched triangle of Jack’s sandwich.

  “I’m glad you guys had a good time.”

  “When are you going to tell her who you really are?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Grownups always say that about stuff that’s not really. All you have to do is tell Kate you were scared to tell her who you really were that day at the dog park…”

  “I wasn’t scared.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. We both know you were terrified.”

  “I wasn’t scared. I just didn’t want to make a scene.”

  “Whatever. But now she knows how cool you are.”

  “Like I said, it’s complicated. I was thinking of taking her away next weekend and telling her then. That way I won’t fuck up your filming this week.”

  “Good thinking! You don’t want to tell her right before I have to shoot my scenes. That would be totally awkward!”

  Jack walked Lauren to Chelsea Piers and found Matt waiting for him back at the townhouse. Matt was occupying himself by skimming his skateboard on the edge of the sidewalk. He made it as far as Mr. Sullivan’s gray brick brownstone before his board fell off the rim of the sidewalk. Jack waited while Matt made his way back towards the building.

  As soon as he made it to Jack he pulled a newspaper from his back pocket. “You have a chance to read your girlfriend’s op-ed yet?”

  “Shit. I forgot that came out today.” Jack reached for the paper. “Wait. How’d you know about Kate’s article?”

  “Remember that intern I hooked up with at New York Today when Anne and I first got separated?”

  “The tiny redhead with the huge tits?”

  “That’s the one.” Matt smiled proudly. “Anyway, she’s a features editor at the paper now. She gave me the heads up that Kate was using the article to tar and feather us.”

  “Fuck! She told me the article was about childhood obesity. But I…”

  “You didn’t think that might have a little something to do with our company since she just ranted and raved about us on Straight Talk a few weeks ago?”

  “Give me a break! I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

  “Yeah, banging the fem-bot who once again tore apart our company in a very public forum.”

  “It’s nothing personal on Kate’s end. We’re just on different sides of the issue.”

  “Good thing I found out about this in time to move the press conference up.”

  “That’s why you rushed on the press conference? You should’ve told me, asshole!”

  “I didn’t want you getting your hands dirty. Just in case for some asinine reason the two of you decide to make a go of it.” Matt popped his skateboard up with on its side and leaned down to grab it. He made his way towards the brownstone. “Although, I’m not sure you’re going to want to be with her after you read this.”

  “Fuck. This can’t be good.” Jack unlocked his door and led Matt inside. He settled down at the kitchen table and flipped through the paper till he found Kate’s article. “Stroller Use and Childhood Obesity: What is it Really Costing Us?”

  “Can you believe this shit?” Matt grabbed two beers from the fridge and popped the tops off.

  “I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming.” Jack grabbed one of the beers from Matt.

  “You were too busy screwing her brains out to worry about her article. Let me give you the highlights.”

  Jack took a long chug of his beer while Matt started to read.

  “It’s no coincidence that the increase in stroller use for three, four and five year olds coincides with the rising childhood obesity rates in that age bracket. It is actually suggested that stroller use should be limited between the ages of two and three as it could hinder a toddler’s ability to learn to walk. So why are parents keeping their kids in strollers well past the pediatrician-recommended age of three? Who’s at fault here? The parent choosing to push their kid in a stroller well into their walking years or the company making the stroller with an eighty-pound capacity? Considerable Carriages’ revamped CC-XL Deluxe has an eighty-three-pound weight limit, super-sized cup holders, snack trays and iPod docking stations. Pric
ed at a cool eight hundred dollars, you can purchase this elite stroller and push your kid to their first day of middle school.”

  “At least we got some free publicity for the new model,” started Jack.

  “Wait, listen to this.” Matt cleared his throat before speaking in a newscaster’s voice.

  “Considerable Carriages made Success Magazine’s list of top ten infant and child product companies with gross profits in the millions last fiscal year. Meanwhile, taxpayers are the ones footing the bill for the trillions of dollars childhood obesity is costing Medicaid and ChildHealth Plus.”

  “Is she insinuating that the same kids riding around in the eight-hundred-dollar strollers are the ones racking up Medicaid costs?” asked Jack.

  “Good point. You think the New York Today editor would catch that lapse in logic.”

  “There is no coincidence that the increase in stroller use coincides with the rising rates of childhood obesity. Considerable Carriages is taking full advantage of that ratio by increasing their stroller capacity to eighty pounds. Now they’re going to add snack trays, super-sized cup holders and handheld video game pouches. Is this company accommodating overweight children or are they actually creating them?”

  “Is that the worst of it?”

  “No, I think the part when she compares our company to big tobacco is pretty bad too.”

  “Jesus-fucking-Christ! I finally find a woman I’m really into and this is what she thinks of who I really am?” Jack threw the patio door open and headed back to the yard. He needed some fresh air.

  “Anne doesn’t think much better of me and she’s having my baby.” Matt shrugged his shoulders and tipped back his beer.

  “She can’t think you’re that bad. You finally knocked her up.”

  “Oh yeah? Look what she just gave me.” Matt pulled a thick paperback from his messenger’s bag. “The Complete Guide to Baby Care for Complete and Utter Morons.”

  “At least she wants you to be a part of the baby’s life. I got nothing keeping Kate tied to me.”

  “Nothing but that enormous cock.”

  “This is where all our designing really takes place. We should’ve had the press conference here.” Jack, desperate to change the subject, leaned back in his chair taking survey of his picnic table littered with empty beer bottles, take-out cartons and crumpled up pieces of paper. He couldn’t talk about Kate with Matt.

  “This is definitely where the real magic takes place.”

  “How many times have you actually created anything in the studio space?” asked Jack.

  “The only thing I’ve ever created there is my little mini-me that’s becoming perfection in Anne’s stomach as we speak.”

  “Dude, you know there are security cameras in there.”

  “Exactly.”

  “The question on everyone’s minds this week has been ‘Who is the mystery man that’s been spotted all over the Big Apple with Kate Richards’? Well, you are not going to believe who it is! Tune in to The 411 to find out who America’s hottest kids’ fitness guru is dating, and why she’s been keeping him under wraps.”

  Craig Ashbourne, The 411

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  As soon as Sarah Jessica Barker nudged Kate awake Sunday morning, she ran to her apartment door and grabbed the Sunday paper. It had been amazing to open it up and see an article with her byline. She sat at her breakfast bar with a cup of coffee and read the article as if someone else wrote it.

  At 8 A.M. on the dot, her landline phone rang. Mrs. Fink was the only one who still called her home phone. Kate received weekly warnings from the woman about the links to cell phone use and huge cancerous brain tumors.

  “Katie, are you awake?”

  “Would I be answering the phone if I was still sleeping?”

  “Morty and I have been up since 6 A.M. I set the alarm so I could read your article first thing.” Mrs. Fink sounded like she was talking through a mouthful of bagel, which was probably loaded up with cream cheese and lox.

  “What’d you think?”

  “Very good. I can’t wait to show the Mahjong ladies later today.”

  “I wasn’t so sure about the opening sentence. I feel like I came on a little too strong.”

  “You’re a single woman living in New York City, of course you come on a little strong. You have to be one tough cookie to make it here.”

  “And the line about Considerable Carriages being compared to big tobacco? I added that at the last minute and now I’m not so sure about it.”

  “You’re always too hard on yourself. This is just like when you were convinced you failed your soufflé class final.”

  “Uh, this is a little more serious than that. I really hope I don’t come off too bitchy.”

  “How could anyone think the woman who’s been helping all those kids was a bitch?”

  Kate sighed.

  “What are you doing today to celebrate?”

  “I was going to stick around the apartment and work on this child athlete series. We start filming with Jack’s niece tomorrow.”

  “Why don’t you come over to my place?” asked Mrs. Fink. “The Mahjong Club would love to see you.”

  “I have a lot to do today.”

  “Mrs. Katz can’t make it. Her husband has another kidney stone. He screams bloody murder every time he goes to the john. We could really use an extra player.”

  “Why don’t you ask the lady from downstairs?” asked Kate, not relishing an afternoon playing Mahjong and listening to Mrs. Levi give all the gory details of her granddaughter’s birth, episiotomy and all.

  “That lazy eye of hers makes Mrs. Feinstein nervous. She spends the whole game thinking the poor woman is cheating.”

  Kate sighed. Mrs. Fink’s friendships had all the complexities of a high school clique. “Same time as usual?”

  “Of course.”

  “See you later.”

  Kate spent the rest of the morning fielding congratulatory phone calls from family and friends. Before she knew it, it was time to head over to Mrs. Fink’s.

  As soon as Kate walked in the apartment she was overwhelmed with the scent of lemon Pledge and Murphy’s Oil Soap. Mrs. Fink took her turn to host Mahjong Club very seriously and made sure every surface was clutter free and shining before her friends arrived. Her dining room table was empty except for the mahogany box lined with genuine ivory Mahjong tiles that Kate had gotten for her many Christmases ago. All the ladies had all known each other since their early twenties, but they insisted on calling each other by their last names. Mrs. Fink said it was because they were classy women.

  Mrs. Fink had ordered everyone she knew to read Kate’s article, so all the women arrived full of compliments. Mrs. Cohen even brought her copy along so Kate could autograph it. Mrs. Fink’s friends were at experts at making Kate feel like a rock star.

  “I’m telling you, the girl is going to be on The 411!” Mrs. Fink’s best friend, Mrs. Feinstein had been fifteen minutes late and now wanted to delay the game further by waiting for the The 411 broadcast.

  “Wouldn’t Katie know if they were going to talk about her on the news?” asked Mrs. Fink.

  “The 411 hardly qualifies as news,” said Mrs. Cohen.

  “I saw it in the promo. It’s all about you and that new boyfriend of yours.” Mrs. Feinstein wagged a gnarled finger at her.

  “Jack is going to be mortified when he finds out,” said Kate.

  “He must be the one who took her to that circus school,” said Mrs. Levi. “I read about that in New York Today.”

  “I bet Craig Ashbourne did some digging to find out who he is after that article came out,” said Mrs. Feinstein. “That Craig is a smart one.”

  “Those dimples of his are absolutely scrumptious,” said Mrs. Levi.

  “Forget about the dimples! Have you ever seen a picture of him with his shirt off?” said Mrs. Feinstein.

  “He’s not as hot a
s Mr. Levi was back in the day. But he’s a close second.” Mrs. Levi winked at Mrs. Feinstein.

  Kate turned on the TV just as the The 411 theme music came on. The women noshed on egg salad, mini bagels and field greens while they sat through the first fifteen minutes of the tabloid television show. Mrs. Fink turned a deaf ear every time Kate warned her about the lethal amounts of cholesterol when you mixed eggs with mayonnaise. They were just about to give up and start the game when a stock photo of Kate in her KidFit gear popped on the screen.

  “Everyone’s been dying to know who took America’s number one kids’ fitness expert off the market, ever since the gossip maven from New York Today dished about Kate’s romantic date at NYC’s trapeze school with a mystery man,” said Craig Ashbourne. His tight black tee-shirt showcased his almost comic book looking biceps and Kate was scared she would have to get Mrs. Levi’s inhaler for her.

  His co-host, a tall willowy blond wearing a royal blue Herve Leger bandage dress interjected, “Kate Richards has made quite a name for herself coming from virtual obscurity to getting the first ever diet cookbook for kids on the New York Times best- seller list, while taking ABC’s show KidFit to number one in its time slot. In fact, Kate’s been so busy making a brand for herself that she was probably too busy to date until now.”

  “She’s squeezing time into her busy schedule for a new man in her life and you are going to be shocked when you find out who it is.” Craig shook his head at the camera and smiled so that both sides of his mouth were bookended with cheek pinching worthy dimples. Mrs. Feinstein gripped both ends of her armchair.

  “I can only imagine the two most important things on Kate Richards’ checklist are that the guy is in shape and he’s gotta love kids,” said the blond, as she held up two black licorice colored fingernails.

  “That’s what I thought, so you can only imagine my shock when I found out who Kate Richards is dating,” said Craig.

  “Don’t leave us hanging like that!” His co-host rested both of her hands on her angular hips.

  “Leave it to an intern to solve the mystery. Natasha was down in the editing room watching YouTube clips with the other interns, when she stumbled on this video.”