by Eileen Palma
“I think I’m going to be sick.” Worse than actually vomiting was leaning over the porcelain bowl gagging and drooling with nothing coming out. Dana wasn’t the holding- your-hair-back kind of friend but she did at least stand in the bathroom doorway.
“How could I be so stupid?” Kate groaned when the gagging subsided. She lay back on the cold tile bathroom floor in between a hairbrush that Sarah Jessica Barker had turned into a chew toy and a pile of ripe workout clothes. Kate tried to ignore the patch of dog hair under her arm and focused on the cool tile against her searing skin.
“He had me fooled with his stupid tee shirts and kinky hair, but that bastard was clearly way smarter than he looked. He has more skills than that crazy blond chick on Revenge.” Dana shook her head and the tiny bells in her dreads tinkled, making an ironically peaceful melody.
A wave of dizziness washed over Kate as soon as she sat up. “You really think Jack’s behind all of this?”
“So, it was just a coincidence that Jack met you at the dog park right after you ripped into his company on Straight Talk?”
“Our dog walker gave his niece an invitation. He couldn’t have planned that.” Sarah Jessica Barker settled down on top of Kate’s laundry pile and started gnawing on the wooden handle of the hairbrush.
“Didn’t that dog walker say she used to babysit Jack when he was little?”
“Yeah, but…” Kate couldn’t believe Pam with her motherly hugs and pocketful of liver treats could have been part of anything so shady.
“He gave you a fake name!”
“Actually Lauren did and Jack went along with it. Mrs. Fink thinks he just freaked out with the cameras there and was scared to tell me who he was.”
“How do you explain the media finally figuring out who your mystery man is the day your op-ed comes out?” Dana narrowed her eyes at Kate.
“I don’t know. None of this makes any sense.”
“Don’t be so thick-headed. Jack orchestrated this whole thing to bring you down.”
“I just need to talk to Jack.”
“Why, so you can give him more rope to hang you with?”
“He’s not like that. We’re talking about the kind of guy who helped raise his twelve-year-old sister while all of his friends were rushing fraternities.”
“He’s also the kind of guy who just Paula Deen-ed your ass!”
There was no comeback. Kate knew Dana was right.
“Can we continue this conversation in a room that doesn’t have a toilet?” Dana walked away without waiting for Kate to answer.
Kate gingerly stood up and Sarah Jessica Barker trotted down the hall behind her with the hairbrush in her mouth. The wallowing would have to wait.
Dana was waiting at the breakfast bar with a dusty bottle of club soda she had unearthed from a mystery cabinet. A rush of air hissed from the cap as Dana unscrewed it. She poured some over a glass full of ice and pushed it across the counter towards Kate. “Drink this. It should help settle your stomach.”
Kate gulped down some club soda. The bubbles burst in her mouth and burned her tongue as she pulled up a barstool.
Dana grabbed the bottle of Skinnygirl Margarita from the fridge and poured some over her own glass of ice. “Listen, I totally get that you’re heartbroken over Jack.” There was a dramatic pause as Dana flicked her wrist over to look at her watch. “But we’ve got forty-nine minutes to salvage your career.”
“How bad is it?” Kate gripped the counter and steeled herself for bad news.
Dana pulled out her iPhone and scrolled through it. “Kashi is threatening to pull their commercials. That alone is enough to sink the show.”
“What about our other sponsors?”
“Simply Organix, Nutri-Kids and Annie’s are all threatening to pull their commercials and Whole Foods is threatening to renege on stocking the new snack bars.”
“Why are they all jumping ship so fast? I haven’t even come out with a statement yet!”
“No one wants to be the last one standing in these situations. Once Kashi threatened to jump ship, they all followed.”
“I’m going to lose everything!” Kate finally stopped thinking about Jack.
“I’m not going to let that happen.” Dana took a chug of her drink and then tipped the bottle over her glass. The girl had a surprisingly high tolerance for someone so small.
“Don’t tell me this is the worst mess you’ve ever had to deal with.”
“The Wexler-Cohen underage sex video was pretty bad, and I got the girl a reality show out of it.”
Kate breathed out. “So, there’s hope?”
“All you need in these situations is a good PR person, and you’ve got the best.” Dana pulled a stool up to the granite counter and got busy turning Kate’s kitchen into a mini office. She pulled her MacBook and iPad out of her patent leather Coach bag and arranged them on the counter.
“This can’t happen. Not now. Between Jen’s taxes and Pop’s rehab I pretty much blew through my savings.” Kate had assumed the money would just fill right back up again once the snack bars started selling and the syndication checks started coming in.
“I just Googled the twenty-five most memorable celebrity meltdowns. Let’s see if one of these could be our answer.”
“I don’t see how a recycled meltdown is going to help.”
“We could pull a Britney. Announce you’re bipolar and you stopped taking your meds last month.” Dana pulled up a picture of Britney Spears with a shaved head slamming an umbrella into a paparazzi’s window.
“No one will trust me if they think I’m crazy.”
Dana scrolled down to an old picture of Ellen Degeneres’ wife when she was morbidly thin. “Ally McBeal curse?”
“Don’t you think an eating disorder would shake my credibility even more?”
“That’s true. Plus you’re not skinny enough.”
Kate glared at her.
“Did your dad ever hit you?” Dana zoomed in on that terrifying picture of the singer battered and beaten by her hip-hop boyfriend.
“Of course not.”
“Well he does have a gambling problem. That could explain your poor choice in men.”
“Leave my dad out of it. He’s finally getting better.”
“How do you feel about spending a few weeks at Cirque Lodge? Could be for drugs or alcohol.”
“Absolutely not. My whole brand is built on clean living.”
“You’re not making this easy.” Dana groaned and scrolled further down the screen illuminating one celebrity after the next in their darkest moments.
“Wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to just tell the media I was tricked by Jack?”
“In this industry crazy is better than stupid any day of the week.”
“I really don’t see how being lied to…”
Dana grabbed Kate’s arm. “I got it!” She zoomed in on a close up of the middle Kardashian sister in a wedding gown standing with the professional athlete who would be her husband for only seventy-two days while the divorce proceedings would take six times as long.
“What the fuck, Dana? First you want me to say I never dated the guy. Now you want me to marry him?”
“Not Jack, you idiot! The best way to distract everyone from Jack would be to announce an engagement to someone else.”
“There’s just one small problem. Where do I find a fiancé?”
“Leave that up to me.”
“You don’t really think I would go through with a fake engagement?”
“Do me a favor and take that high-maintenance dog of yours in your room. I need some space to figure this out.” Dana kicked off her heels and rubbed the arch of her left foot.
“Wait. You do realize this is insane!”
Dana held up a hand. “Just give me a few minutes.”
Kate headed to her room with Sarah Jessica Barker at her heels. She opened the door and was blinded by the afternoon sunlight
streaming in from her floor-to-ceiling windows. Kate shuddered when she realized the reporters below probably had a bird’s eye view of her bedroom.
Kate pressed her back against the wall and slid over to the window like a cat burglar. When she reached the end of the window she grabbed hold of her sage green drapes and covered herself like she was in a childhood game of hide-and-seek. She glided with the window treatments across the window. As soon as the curtain moved, flashes from the cameras below glinted on the window. Sarah Jessica Barker jumped on the bed, poised for attack against the paparazzi below.
“It’s okay, girl. We’re safe and sound up here.” Kate climbed into bed with Sarah Jessica Barker and her laptop. She did what she should’ve been smart enough to do weeks ago. She typed Jack Moskowitz into her search engine.
Before she could even finish typing his last name, Jack Moskowitz popped up followed by Jack Moskowitz Considerable Carriages, and Jack Moskowitz and Kate Richards. Hours ago she had no idea who Jack really was and now they would forever be linked on a search engine.
Kate couldn’t help herself. She clicked on the top story about her and Jack. It was on the blog of that D-List male social climber who garnered his real fame off a gossip blog.
In the biggest scandal to rock the best-selling cookbook industry since the world found out southern belle Paula Deen wasn’t nearly as sweet as her Skillet Fried Apple Pie—Kate Richards has been linked to Considerable Carriages mogul Jack Moskowitz.
Kate just blamed Jack and his supersized stroller company for being behind the whole childhood obesity debacle. Wonder who’s sleeping on the couch tonight? Or was that just a little Shades of Grey style foreplay with this unexpected couple?
Kate couldn’t believe that five hundred and thirty-four people had already posted the article to their Facebook pages and another nine hundred and eighty-two had tweeted it.
The door flew open and Sarah Jessica Barker jumped off the bed and hurtled straight towards Dana.
“Don’t even think about jumping on me. This shirt cost more than you.”
Sarah Jessica Barker backed away slowly and climbed back on the bed.
“I Googled Jack and it was like opening Pandora’s box.”
“I told you to stop worrying about that bottom feeder. We need to focus on you right now.”
Kate slapped the laptop shut and pushed it away like a plate of overeaten food that needed to be moved from temptation.
“Don’t say a word till I’m finished.” Dana had pulled all of her dreads into a pile on top of her head and secured them with Kate’s hot pink scarf, so she looked like a tiny African princess.
Kate heaved a great sigh. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m totally screwed.”
“I’m just making sure you get it. Lara told me to hold off sending the Mini-Munchies II manuscript.”
“Fuck!” Kate pushed her fingers into her temple to stave off the pulsating pain.
“It takes years to build a career and seconds to annihilate it.” Dana had a small fleck of red lipstick on her front tooth, which only made Kate feel worse. “It took three days for Paula Deen’s multi-million dollar dynasty to crumble.”
“Enough about her already. What’s the plan?”
“First, you have to agree to do everything I say. I’m talking one hundred percent here.”
“I already told you I was on board. Now you’re really freaking me out.”
“Honestly, if you were anyone else, I might have hit the door running.”
“I thought you were the queen of PR?”
“We’re not talking about rehab here, Kate. This is so much worse.”
“Just tell me the plan.”
“I found you a fiancé.” Dana clasped her two hands together and smiled wide enough for Kate to see Dana’s one remaining wisdom tooth.
“What?”
“His name is Alex Lombardi, which makes the two of you Ali-Kat. The tabloids are going to eat this up!”
“I don’t get it.” Kate grabbed the bottle of Tums from her night table drawer and popped two in her mouth. They squeaked against her teeth as she broke down the gritty tablets with no water. “How did you find me a fiancé?”
“I have very discreet connections in the industry. This guy is looking for a way to get his name out there, so it’s win-win for both of you.”
“So, he poses as my fiancé and then what? The cameras follow us right to the altar? Then I get divorced seventy-two days later?”
“You don’t have to actually marry the guy. You just have to be engaged for awhile, then have a very public break up.”
“This is insane.”
“We have to get the attention off you and Jack. If people believe you dated, your credibility is shot and all your sponsors will jump ship.”
“Who is this guy anyway?”
“He’s from The True NJ.” At least Dana had the good grace to look down at the carpet.
“Was The Situation from Jersey Shore unavailable?”
“This was the most popular season of The True ever. Everyone loves Alex, especially right now since the finale only aired a week ago.”
“How old is he?”
“I think he’s like twenty-three.”
“Are you insane?”
“Listen, the guy is a double threat. We’ve got the popularity from the show and cougars are the hottest thing right now.”
“Cougar! I’m only thirty-five!”
“The Considerable Carriages CC-XL Deluxe stroller isn’t even in the stores yet and sales for it are already equal to more than Bugga Boo, MacClaren and Peg Perego sales combined for this fiscal year. If that doesn’t say something about childhood obesity in this country, I don’t know what does.”
David Storm, News 24-7
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Dad’s hurt?”
Jack headed up the stairs towards Lauren, slowly, like you would approach a wounded animal. “I was going to tell you.”
Lauren bolted down the stairs past Jack and Diesel and practically body checked the anorexic-looking reporter who was making her way up the stoop.
“Lauren! Wait!” Jack dragged Diesel down the stairs and pushed through the crowd. Quick on her feet from all the gymnastics and the shot of angry adrenaline—Lauren was already halfway down the street by the time Jack’s feet hit the pavement. Diesel barked and grabbed playfully at the leash as he followed Jack down the sidewalk.
Lauren’s thick curls whipped across her back as she ran, the soles of her feet barely hitting the sidewalk. A child with the stamina of an elite athlete, powered by anger, Lauren could probably run the length of the city without stopping. Jack had visions of chasing her over the Brooklyn Bridge footpath.
“Lauren! He’s okay. Please stop so I can tell you what happened!” Jack forced the words out over his labored breathing. He vowed to cut back on the take out and to start working out.
Lauren stopped on the corner of 21st and the West Side Highway. She turned her flashing gray eyes on Jack.
“Seriously. I’m about to have a heart attack here!” Jack stopped next to Lauren and leaned over to catch his breath. Diesel started chewing on Lauren’s shoelace.
“If he’s really okay, you would’ve told me what was going on.”
“He is, I swear.” Jack grabbed his side.
Lauren plopped down on the sidewalk and pulled her knees to her chest. Her hot pink sequined sneakers caught the setting sun and scattered pink lights on the white car illegally parked on the corner. Jack squatted next to her, while trying to avoid the questionable wet stain on the sidewalk. Diesel tucked himself in a ball on the ground next to Lauren, resting his head on her feet.
“Your dad’s helicopter went down a few weeks ago. When your mom first found out, she didn’t know how bad it was and she didn’t want to freak you out.”
“When she left to film the commercial?” Lauren smirked and used air quotes when she said commercial.
“Yes. The night that Kate and I hung out with you.”
“So the reporter was right,” said Lauren. “Kate probably made up the whole KidFit filming just to keep me from figuring out about Dad.”
“No. She really does want to film with you.” But as Jack said it, he wondered if she would still want to now. That was just one more thing he would have to figure out once he got Lauren to come back home with him.
“Like I believe anything you say.” Lauren pulled at a long pink string on her athletic shorts.
“Do you want to hear what happened to your dad or not?”
“Whatever,” said Lauren, but she stopped pulling on the string and looked up at him.
“Your dad got flown to a marine hospital in California as soon as the medics stabilized him. Your mom had no idea how bad his injuries were when she flew out to meet him.”
“She should’ve told me so I could go with her with her.” Lauren kept her eyes on the sidewalk with one hand absentmindedly petting Diesel.
“She didn’t want you to be as scared as she was. Your mom was just trying to protect you.”
“Sure, whatever. What happened to my dad?”
“He fractured one of his hands and needed surgery to remove his spleen.”
“Does he like need a spleen transplant now? Because he can have mine.”
“No, he doesn’t need another spleen. It’s like your appendix. Don’t know what it does, just that you don’t really need it.”
“So then why didn’t you just tell me what was going on?”
“Your dad’s worst injury was to his eyes. When he first got hurt, the doctors didn’t know if he would be able to see again.”
“No!” Lauren’s voice was deeper than Jack had ever heard it.
“Lauren, listen to me. He had surgery and the doctors are pretty sure your dad’s vision’s gonna come back.”
“Pretty sure? Like fifty percent sure or like a hundred percent?”
“I think ninety percent.”
“When will we know?”
“In a few more days. Your parents wanted me to wait to tell you until then, so you wouldn’t be worried.”
