by Riley Rivers
Cameron swallowed and looked up.
Ezra closed his eyes and opened them again, too deliberate to be a blink. “I know it’s a lot to ask,” he said quietly.
“I trust you,” Cameron said, just as quiet. “I do.”
“I’m… I’m glad to hear that. So trust me when I say we’ll figure this out.”
“Together?” Cameron asked hesitantly.
“Together,” Ezra replied at once.
***
After breakfast, Ezra told Cameron to get dressed for going out. “You’re restless, right? Antsy and wanting to run?”
“Y-yeah.”
“I know what it’s like,” Ezra said. “I own some land about ten minutes from here. You’ll be able to shift there. The more you shift and get in touch with that new side of yourself, the easier it will be to understand and control.”
“Okay,” Cameron said. Before realizing, “Oh. My coat.”
“Your coat?”
“It’s uh… it got. Ripped.” And was bloody. It had been shoved into a corner of Cameron’s room—the guest room and Cameron had stayed far away. It didn’t smell good. Like blood and fear and sickness.
It was so bizarre, to be able to quantify scents that way.
“Of course,” Ezra said easily. “You can borrow something until we get you a new one.”
“We?” Cameron asked faintly. But Ezra was already heading out of the room.
He came back moments later with a coat. “This alright?”
The coat was slightly puffy, but mostly sleek lines with thick material that looked very warm. Cameron could already see that the sleeves would be a little long on him, but yeah, that would definitely work for now. “Yeah. Thank you.”
“Great. You can help me load things into the van, and then we’ll head out.”
“The van?”
Ezra nodded, a small grin curling around his mouth. “It’s much more comfortable to change and shift out of the elements, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh.” Cameron refused to think about that until he absolutely had to. “What are we loading?”
Ezra chuckled. “Food mostly. You’re going to spend a lot of time hungry right now, while your body acclimates.”
Cameron winced. “I’m sorry.” If he was going to be anything close to how hungry he’d been this morning, that did not bode well for his finances. And he really hated the idea of eating Ezra out of house and home. “I can pay for—”
“You can accept what I give you, knowing I don’t do it out of duty or obligation, but because I care about you and your well-being and want you to suffer as little as possible.” Ezra’s tone was entirely no-nonsense and sounded almost practiced, as if he’d predicted Cameron was going to react this way and had wanted to head it off at the pass.
Cameron wasn’t sure what to do with it except be intimidated, not at all helped by the little lick of want inside him flaring up at being cared for. He ducked his head, hoping it hid his flush. “Okay. Sorry. Thank you.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Ezra said, much kinder this time. “I just don’t want you to see yourself as a burden. You aren’t. Especially not to me.”
“Okay,” Cameron managed, face on fire. “Thank you.”
A cinnamon scent licked through the air for a moment before it… smoothed out somehow, becoming a little less present.
“Alright,” Ezra said. “Let’s get going.”
***
Cameron had known that he was going to have to shift, but he had somehow managed to block out from his mind the fact that he would have to get naked to do it. Ezra had sounded so matter-of-fact when he’d explained that shifters preferred to damage as few clothes as possible, but it still hadn’t sunk in until they had parked and gotten out, only to hop back into the back of the van.
Ezra held a blanket out to Cameron. “Would this help?”
Cameron took the blanket with clumsy fingers. He wasn’t a stranger to being naked around other people, or being around others’ nudity. Couldn’t be, with how much he relied on the gym. But it was different when it was one-on-one. And it was different when it was Ezra.
At least the cold and trepidation and humiliation had killed his arousal. Though it was still with shaking fingers that he started to shuck his clothes.
Ezra obviously had no such compunctions, but after thinking about it—in part to distract himself that he was getting naked with Ezra’s eyes on him—Cameron figured it was probably because Ezra was used to being a werewolf. If you didn’t wear clothes to shift, it would make sense to get comfortable without them.
Ezra seemed to have some thoughts of his own, though, because he too grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around his waist after he’d finished undressing. It made him look like some Greek god.
Cameron kept his eyes on the floor. “Okay, so, um. Now what?” But even as he asked the question, adrenaline kicked up inside of him. He could smell the air, the cold, the outside. He wanted to run and explore and sniff.
“What are you feeling right now?” Ezra asked.
Cameron tried to explain the sensations flitting through him, which made Ezra smile.
“Perfect. It sounds like you’re already pretty connected to yourself. So focus on that feeling. That feeling of wanting to run. Let it get as loud as it wants to. Let it go free.”
“Okay, I’ll—I’ll try.”
Focus. Okay, focus. Focus on… wanting to run. Be a wolf. Wolfy wolf wolf. Bark bark. Or, no, wait, howl?
Nothing happened.
Cameron gritted his teeth, trying not to cringe at his own thoughts. He was pretty sure he was being stupid.
There was suddenly a warm hand on his shoulder, and Cameron started, not realizing that Ezra had gotten so close. “Relax,” Ezra said, his hand a warm brand on Cameron’s bare skin. This close his scent was even stronger, and Cameron wanted. “Just relax. You’ll know how.”
Cameron squeezed his eyes shut. The additional onslaught of sensation was too much. He was a ball of nervous energy and he didn't have anywhere for it to go—
He felt a tug in his chest straining for release, and when Ezra's fingers curled just a bit, adding an additional, welcome pressure, the tug… rippled.
He blinked to find himself much warmer, wearing a proper layer of fur. His human was still cold and bare though, which didn't seem right.
Cameron butted his head into his human's hand and whined. You’ll get cold. You don’t have to be cold. Being cold was the worst. It sank into your bones, an ache that ran so deep you couldn't even sleep to escape from it.
His human—Ezra! Ezra smiled at him, close-lipped, smelling fond. “I’m coming, don’t worry.”
***
Cameron didn’t know how much later it was when Ezra led him back toward the van. He whined once he realized Ezra’s intention was for him to shift back. He didn’t want to. Being a wolf was so much simpler, and the sounds and smells were so interesting but also not overwhelming since he knew what to do with them. And it was fun to run and leap and play in the snow and not feel cold, and tussling with Ezra was freeing in a way Cameron hadn’t ever experienced before.
He didn’t want to go back into the metal box on wheels and shift back to being a stupid, confused human with no idea what was going on or what to do with himself.
But when Ezra effortlessly shifted back and opened up the van’s back doors, Cameron could do nothing but follow him inside.
“Okay,” his human said gently. “It’s time to shift back.”
Cameron whined again.
“Shh, I know. I know. It’s easier being a wolf, isn’t it? There are less decisions and less painful experiences. But you’re a human too, and you need to learn to live with being both, now. Can you shift back for me, Cameron?”
Cameron huffed, letting his eyes slide closed as Ezra pet him behind his ears. Fine, he’d try to shift back. But he was going to enjoy the lovely touching first. Cameron missed kind touches so much.
He gasped moments later, eyes f
lying open to find that he had hands and fingers again instead of paws. Back to his human body, naked and somehow not freezing to death.
Because he was lying on the floor of the now-heated van, curled up in a blanket with his head in Ezra’s lap, as Ezra stroked his hair. He was exhausted, in that deep, weary way that meant he’d sleep well that night, provided he could allow himself to go to sleep.
“How do you feel?” Ezra murmured.
“I don’t know,” Cameron rasped. “Better? It’s still a… lot.” But things were a little more muted now. He didn’t feel as overwhelmed by his senses.
It helped that he was still so close to Ezra, who smelled like warmth and comfort and good things. Cameron had never equated smells to feelings before, but it felt right, somehow.
“Do you feel up to getting dressed? I also want to get you some food. You’re going to be starving as soon as your body fully resettles.”"
“kay,” Cameron mumbled before forcing himself upright and reaching for his clothes, which were in a little folded pile next to him.
He turned his back to Ezra to pull things on, curiously registering the subtle spicy scent that kept wafting in and out of his notice. By the time he had turned back around, Ezra had spread out a picnic on the floor of the van. Cameron took one look at one of the loaded deli sandwiches and his stomach growled.
Ezra let out a soft chuckle while Cameron’s face flamed. “That’s what I thought. Go ahead. Eat as much as you need to.” He went to pick up a sandwich himself, very politely ignoring how Cameron snatched up his food and fairly shoved it in his mouth. Ezra had been right, Cameron was starving.
He finished the entire sandwich easily, polished off two apples, a granola bar, and then tore into the bag of jerky Ezra handed him. The jerky helped him slow down a little, since each bite needed proper chewing, but it also made him aware of where he was and just how much he’d eaten and…
The jerky stuck in his throat. He was used to eating it when he desperately needed protein and had to tide himself over, keeping it together when he got so hungry it hurt. Jerky helped him be not hungry, even if it never meant full or satisfied.
“Cameron?” Ezra’s voice broke into his thoughts, and Cameron blinked. Ezra was nudging forward another sandwich.
Cameron set the bag of jerky down. “It’s uh, it’s okay. I’m not hungry anymore.”
Ezra looked startled. “Already?” He frowned down at the remains of Cameron’s meal. “You’ve barely had anything.”
“I had that whole sandwich,” Cameron pointed out.
“You just spent the last hour and a half running around as a wolf in the middle of winter, shifting twice,” Ezra said, pushing the sandwich forward again. “I’m going to put away at least two of these myself, and my body’s already plenty adjusted. Do you know how many calories a human burns a day just by existing?”
“No,” Cameron said weakly.
“Way less than a werewolf,” Ezra said firmly. “And certainly less than a werewolf that just spent almost two hours running around in the snow.” He paused. “Are you really not hungry? You might be sick.”
Cameron swallowed and picked up the second sandwich. “No, I’m… I’m good. I guess I could eat more, now that you mention it.”
Ezra sighed. “Cameron, please don’t do that anymore.”
“Do what?” Cameron asked, freezing.
“Lie. About things that you need, or things that you feel. It’s especially important now, to be in tune with your body and what it tells you. If you’re tired, tell me. I want to make sure you rest. If you’re struggling with something, let me help you. If you’re hungry, eat. I have the food and I want to provide for you. Okay?”
Cameron tried to swallow thickly around the lump in his throat, vision blurring.
“You’re not in this alone. I promised you. You’re not going to go this alone.”
“It’s just… it’s just been a long time,” Cameron whispered.
“I know,” Ezra said. “I know. You’ve been on your own for a while, haven’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“I understand.” Ezra sounded sad, scent turning salty. “I know I’m asking a lot, when I ask you to trust me.”
“I-I trust you. I do.” He’d meant it, when he’d said it before.
“That’s part of trusting me then,” Ezra said. “Trust that I also want you taken care of. I want you safe and happy and well-rested and fed and not hurting. And so I want you to be honest with me, so I can do that for you. Okay?”
Cameron nodded wordlessly.
“That’s all I want from you, Cameron. Honesty. Okay?”
“Okay.” Cameron refused to cry.
Ezra smiled at him. “Thank you.”
Cameron managed to get through the second sandwich and some chips, but he left the jerky. Ezra didn’t comment on it, just took the bag back for himself.
When it was time to head back to Ezra’s house, they moved to the front of the van again, and Cameron curled up in his seat. Ezra left him to his silence, probably assuming that Cameron was exhausted, which wasn’t untrue.
Just…
“That’s all I want from you, Cameron. Honesty.”
Cameron couldn’t be honest about how much he liked Ezra. How much he liked Ezra and how much he was taking advantage of him.
The guilt was bile in his stomach.
Chapter Fourteen
Cameron wobbled into bed once they got back to the house and napped away the afternoon. He woke up to the sky just turned dark, and Ezra in the living room, wearing his glasses and tapping away on an iPad with a stylus.
He looked up when Cameron stumbled into the room, expression brightening, and scent turning warm and spicy. “Hey, welcome back. How do you feel?”
“Better,” Cameron admitted. “A lot more… settled?”
“Good.” Ezra nodded in satisfaction. “The next few days will be about the same while your body finishes acclimating. You’ll eat and sleep a lot and need to shift and run and experience the new things you can now see and smell and hear. After that it’s just… learning.”
“Learning what?”
Ezra patted the seat next to him, and Cameron slowly came over to sit down next to him. The warmth and cinnamon scent got stronger. “How to be yourself in your new body. Shifting is natural, but you might have other new instincts. You’ll probably observe more, and have questions about what different smells mean. All that kind of thing. The forums will help a lot. So will I, of course. If you ever have questions.”
But then what? Cameron couldn’t bring himself to ask. When do I go back out into the cold? “Okay.”
Ezra sighed. “I’m sorry I can’t do more.”
“More?” Cameron said in disbelief. “What else could you—you’ve done everything. Y-you’ve been feeding me and giving me a place to sleep, and helping me get through all this stuff, and before all this even happened you’d given me a job and let me have your time and—” he needed to stop babbling before he let something slip. “I’m not… I’m not even giving you anything back. I don’t even know what I could do to pay you back for all this.”
Ezra sighed again. “Is it foolish of me to say that I don’t want you to think of it as a debt?” He held up a hand. “No, I know it is. You’ve never been given a single damn thing in your whole life, have you?”
Not since I was a kid, Cameron didn’t say. Not before you.
You’ve been giving me a whole damn lot.
“I’m sorry,” Cameron said instead. “I don’t mean to… to make it out like I’m not grateful. I am. I really, really am.”
“I know you are,” Ezra said gently. “Just like I know you’re confused by what you consider overwhelming generosity, while I consider it being a decent human being.”
Cameron picked at the hem of his sweatshirt. “I just wish I could do something for you too.”
“I appreciate it,” Ezra said with a smile now, if a small one, scent turning warm once again. “But the be
st thing you can do for me is fully regain your strength.”
“I feel pretty okay,” Cameron said, taking stock of himself. “For the most part.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” The smile grew brighter. “I’m glad that you’re finally feeling better.”
“Y-yeah.” God, what a smile. “Me too.”
Whatever Ezra was going to say next was interrupted by an insistent buzzing. Ezra pulled out his phone with an apologetic look and glanced at the screen, letting out a sigh. “I’m sorry, excuse me a minute. I should take this.”
“Yeah, of course.”
Ezra strode out of the living room, phone pressed to his ear, and Cameron fiddled a little with the hem of his T-shirt, unsure of what to do now. He was getting hungry again, but he didn’t want to eat without Ezra, even though Ezra had been clear that Cameron was supposed to help himself. And he felt weird turning on the TV, even if he had permission for that too.
It took him a second to realize that he could still hear Ezra’s voice from a room over, and once he was paying attention, he couldn’t turn it off.
“It’s going as well as can be expected,” Ezra was saying. “No, I mean that. He’s amazing.”
Cameron’s cheeks warmed. He definitely didn’t feel amazing, but Ezra said it with such certainty.
“You have no idea,” Ezra said, sounding tired. “It’s like I told you before. He’s been through so much. So much, Julia. I hate that I had to pile this on top of it all.”
Ezra talked about him? To whoever this Julia was. Cameron bit his lip, torn between not wanting to eavesdrop and wanting to hear what else Ezra was going to say about him.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. But it’s not enough. None of it’s enough.”
What’s not enough? Cameron thought nervously. What was he doing wrong?
And then… Ezra let out a bitter laugh. “If I was a better person, maybe.”
It made the breath catch in Cameron’s throat. What?
“No, he has no idea. Thank god. I couldn’t… I don’t know what I’d do if he found out.”
Found out what? Cameron tried to keep breathing, nerves rising up with his trepidation, sick and awful. What in the world could Ezra be hiding that he thought was so bad?
