Mercy

by Renee Williams

  I did not meet the size chart that the doctor’s office had projected on their walls. I didn’t know many black women that met those lofty goals.

  My hair was curly and gathered at the top of my head with a ponytail holder. I looked a hot damn mess. It figured that he’d show up when I looked like something the cat drug in.

  Mercy and I had been packing for days preparing to move into an apartment that was closer to my teaching job since the house had sold recently, so trust me when I say that he would not find me attractive by any stretch of the imagination.

  But, he had changed, and life was so damn unfair.

  He was more handsome than he had been in college. Shit, he was finer than college. His frame was more muscular now too. He did not look like the cute white boy he had been in college. Now, he was hot as hell. I mean like panty dropping hot. Like I can’t believe that I ever slept with this man hot.

  I couldn’t move as he came closer to me. Everything about him screamed confidence.

  He moved with effortless grace. Hell, he moved like the movie star he was.

  He was immaculately dressed even though it was only a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He somehow made that appear rich.

  Bastard.

  He towered over me and reminded me how safe and secure I used to feel with him. I let my gaze travel up and down his body again.

  Asshole.

  Yes, I got a ridiculous kick out of calling him names. I had done it numerous times over the course of years we had been apart.

  All the names that he deserved.

  I felt the familiar heat building in my body.

  Crap. What the hell? He didn’t deserve the feeling that my body was trying to give off from just being in his presence.

  Heat settled in my cheeks. I wasn’t sure if I was angry or flushed. I hoped like hell it was anger because he did not deserve any flushing of any of my body parts. Thank God I wasn’t white or my body would be red all damn over. He didn’t need to know that I felt anything for him except extreme hate.

  Jerk.

  What was he even doing here? He looked nervous. Good, he deserved to feel like shit coming to my house without permission after all these years. Hell, he shouldn’t even know where I lived.

  “Hi, Ava.” He said pulling his glasses from his face like it was a scene he was performing in one of his recent movies.

  Yes, he had gone off and become a highly paid actor because life sucked. Karma only happened to good people. Bad people managed to fly under the radar like they didn’t deserve all the bad shit that they had pushed out into the atmosphere.

  My heart almost jumped out my chest. His voice caressed my skin.

  It meant nothing. It had to mean nothing.

  I wanted to punch him in the face. How dare he show up here like he hadn’t told me that he would never contact me or miss me.

  Yet, here Ryan Cruise was standing in front of me in all his fine ass flesh.

  I hated his voice because it was richer than it used to be. It just proved how unfair the world really was. He didn’t deserve to look this good, smell this good, and sound this good.

  He should be ugly as hell, fat, and disgusting. Life just sucked.

  I kid you not. The hair on the back of my neck stood up because he was standing too close. I moved back a few inches. I did not need or want him in my length times width.

  I cleared my throat. “Why are you here?” I tried to breathe, even though I couldn’t believe that he was standing right in front of me.

  It was surreal.

  After all this time, all he could say was hi. He had left me to raise our daughter alone, and all he could think of was one word. Maybe, all the words had already been spoken. If that was the case, why was he here?

  “It’s good to see you,” he remarked.

  Was it? How was I supposed to respond to that? The last time I had seen him he was telling me to go away and was screwing some other chick in his dorm.

  I gritted my teeth. Get a grip, Ava. I was over him. I had married and gotten divorced. He did not mean anything to me anymore.

  Right. I just needed to start believing that.

  “What do you need, Ryan?” I finally asked when a minute or two had passed without either one of us talking.

  He leveled his blue eyes on me. “I want to see my child.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “No.”

  That one word was all he deserved. I would never forget how blank he stared at me when I told him that I was leaving. He had barely said ten words to me like I was shit on the bottom of his shoes. Now, he wanted to come back to see my daughter. For what?

  I was seething. The nerve of this dude. The absolute gall of him to come to me years later, asking me for a damn thing amazed me.

  I remembered everything that happened that day. There was no forgetting it. He had trampled all over my heart. Left me by myself to raise a child.

  I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. He was kidding.

  I felt queasy. Did he mean the child that he told me that he didn’t want? The child that he said he would never change his mind about wanting to see?

  The child that he had let another man raise.

  Who did he think he was? He had no right to ask anything of me. He gave up his rights the morning I stood in his dorm room with him and his naked girlfriend. I didn’t give a damn what he wanted just like he hadn’t given a damn about what I had wanted all those years ago. He’d get over his wants just the way that I had to get over all the shit that I wanted that day.

  I didn’t care how big of a movie star he was. Yes, he made millions per movie, but I had never asked him for one dime for Mercy. I had never tried to get in contact with him after that day. I took care of her needs. My ex-husband had taken care of her needs while we were married, not this man. This man had gone on to be a movie star and forgot all about us.

  My ex-husband had helped me take care of her when I could barely afford to take care of myself. Ryan had been shooting movies pretending like she didn’t exist. And, dating any barbie doll model, actress, or celebrity he could find. All of them had been white, proving that he had never wanted little old black me.

  “She’s my daughter too.”

  He watched me anxiously. He should watch me anxiously. I was pissed off at him. I was not even sure how many ways I wanted him to go to hell.

  “I’m not even sure how you knew I had a daughter. You sure as hell never contacted me,” I hissed.

  Even if he had come back years ago, I would have felt different. If I had received any type of communication from him, I would have welcomed him into Mercy’s life, not mine. But, there had never been one word even after he started making millions of dollars from acting. Not even a hey, do you need anything. Can I send you some money? Nothing.

  “I’ve always known that we had a daughter, Ava,” he said quietly.

  My gut tightened, and my lips curled in disgust. I wanted to laugh in his face. Hell, I wanted to slap his face. His statement didn’t deserve a response. I didn’t even have the energy to say remember my words.

  “You don’t get to change your mind. I won’t wait for you. You don’t get to ever come back and say that you matured. You don’t get the chance to one day come back and say that you screwed up. You can never have me back. Don’t because I promise that I won’t let you back in. I won’t ever contact you again.”

  “So, she’s your daughter now?” I raised my eyebrows questioningly at him. I tried to clamp down on the rage that was burning like an inferno inside my chest, but I couldn’t. How dare he? How dare he play this game with me? With her?

  “Since when, Ryan? I distinctly remember you confirming that you wouldn’t change your mind about a child. Don’t change your mind now. We don’t need you. We didn’t need you when you started making millions. We’ll never need you. Go act like someone else’s dad. Leave my daughter alone,” I growled at him. I put quotations around act so that he would understand that this was just a game fo
r him. He did not want my daughter.

  This bastard. He didn’t get to decide to play daddy for whatever wild reason that crossed his mind. My life was not a Hallmark movie for him to come back and pretend like he deserved a second chance. He didn’t deserve anything from me.

  I walked away. I turned my back on him the same way he had turned his back on me.

  When I left his dorm room almost seven years ago, I did not see this day happening. I would like to believe I was a clairvoyant when I told him that he would not be welcomed back, but I was not. I was just a young girl speaking words that I hoped would be true, not an adult who had moved along with her life or had at least tried to move on with her life.

  I had never been able to get over Ryan. I remembered every moment in his dorm room. It had made me cautious about love. It had made me comprise and marry a man that I couldn’t make happy. Ryan had killed all my future relationships. His ghost had lived on inside my heart and in my mind preventing me from giving myself totally to anyone.

  I had not done my ex-husband any favors marrying him when I should have let him find his one true love.

  Adam had finally woken up and realized that my heart had been given a way a long time ago. In the beginning, he tried to win me over. I had tried. I had never loved Adam the way that he had loved me, and I hadn’t been fair to him. In the end, he realized that I couldn’t love him. So, he went and fell in love with someone else. I understood. Who was I to hold him back?

  Adam and his fiancée were having a baby. I wanted him to be happy. I hoped that she wouldn’t break his heart the way that mine had been broken. No one deserved that pain.

  Ryan had turned me into one of those women that married out of necessity, not love. Love was a destroyer. It came to steal, kill, and destroy the heart, mind, body and soul. He had done enough damage. I wouldn’t let him back in to me or my daughter’s life.

  Now that I didn’t have Adam’s support, I didn’t want to think about how Mercy and I would make it. I had a job, but it wouldn’t allow for us to live the life that we were accustomed to living when I was married. It didn’t matter. I wouldn’t accept anything from Ryan. I would have to find a way. I always had made a way for me and Mercy. It was nothing different. Ryan had never been around. Move along there was nothing to see between us.

  “I deserve to know my daughter. She deserves to know me.” Ryan said quietly behind me.

  “Go to hell.” I didn’t turn around. I was not doing this with him. I wanted to snort. She’s my daughter. Please, since when?

  If I could have, I would have snatched out his vocal cords. I would have stomped on his beating heart and threw it in the trash.

  I kept walking.

  No, not today Satan.

  If I stopped, I would punch him in the face. Ruin his lucrative career. Jerk. I refused to let him annoy me. He did not deserve my energy.

  “I will take you to court. I will seek joint custody.” He said walking up beside me.

  I felt ringing in my ears.

  Please, Lord. Give me strength. I will not kill this jerk. I will not kill this jerk. Please, let me believe it.

  I lifted my head up to the sky hoping tears would not fall from my eyes. I had cried in front of him once before with no pride. Was he about to break me again?

  “Why, Ryan? What do you want? You could have had her all those years ago,” I said bitterly. He had his chance to be her Dad. He hadn’t damn wanted it. I turned slowly back around to him.

  My shoulders sunk. “Why would you seek joint custody, Ryan? Mercy is almost seven. We’ve managed all these years without you. You can have any woman that you want. Go create a child with her. You don’t want her Ryan,” I bit out.

  “I know I don’t deserve to be in her life, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I was young. I was stupid and immature. I was scared, Ava.” He stared at me unflinchingly. “I’m not going away. I want to be in my daughter’s life. Give me a chance. Don’t make me fight you. Don’t turn this into something ugly. We can work something out,” he sighed and touched my shoulder.

  Moving away from his touch, my face tightened. “I don’t want to give you a chance.” I swiped the tears from my eyes. I couldn’t help crying.

  I felt hysterical and crazy. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  “Just leave, Ryan. This is not what you want. You just think that you want her. You don’t. Don’t you remember? Why don’t you just take no for an answer?” I threw all the words back at him that I heard that morning years ago as I was walking out his door.

  He grimaced when he heard them.

  Yeah, he remembered too.

  “I was young, Ava. I really didn’t get it. I made a horrible mistake that day.”

  “Seven years, Ryan. Maybe, if you had come back after a year or two,” I shook my head, “but, this is ridiculous.”

  “Let me spend some time with her. I’ve grown. I have matured,” he pleaded.

  A lump formed in my throat. I just wanted him to go. I didn’t want to do this with him. I didn’t want to hear his words. He didn’t know what he wanted from me or himself. I turned back around, walking away, barely keeping myself from screaming like a wild banshee.

  He had abandoned us. He didn’t get a redo.

  He reached for my hand. I snatched them back before he could make contact.

  “Ava, if you believe anything that I’ve said today, understand that I will take you to court. I will use any asset that I have to see my daughter. You won’t keep her from me.”

  He reached for my hand again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ever let you go. I’m sorry that I was a fucking coward. I’m sorry for everything that I did. At the time, I was so overwhelmed with how I felt about you. I never expected to feel that way about anyone. I wasn’t ready, Ava. I’m ready now. I didn’t bother while you were married because I knew it would be unfair and selfish. I tried to leave you alone. I tried to move on and not make waves in your life, but I can’t. I want to see my daughter. I won’t be leaving.”

  “Let me go,” I whispered through gritted teeth. I was going to call his bluff. I wasn’t going to let him see Mercy. I was sure he wouldn’t fight it, just like he hadn’t fought before.

  “You didn’t want to be unfair. You didn’t want to be selfish. You were all of those things. You left me.” I stressed every single word trying to get him to see that he didn’t deserve any consideration.

  “How dare you come back when you feel like it. That is not how this works. You don’t get to change your mind,” I screamed.

  He stood looking at me solemnly. “I know, and I’m sorry. But, she’s still my only child. I want to get to know her. You can’t keep her from me.”

  My throat squeezed. I literally hated him more in this moment than I did when he slept with a female in front of my face. The hate I felt for him was almost consuming me. I didn’t even want to look at him.

  “Why, Ryan?” My voice rose in agitation again. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. He had made his choice years ago. He shouldn’t be able to take them back now.

  “I know you’re a teacher. You have the whole summer off. Come spend the summer with me in Beverly Hills. My house is big. You can be there while I get to know Mercy. I won’t bother you.”

  I wanted to tell him no. Hell no. To take me to court.

  “Ava, you don’t want this going to court. You know it will make the news. You don’t want the paparazzi all over your life and Mercy’s. They will overturn every part and particle of your life. I’m not going away. We can do this quietly. Don’t make a scene. Don’t make me do something that will make you hate me even more than you do now. Don’t push my hand.”

  I snarled, “You love scenes. Isn’t that what you created in your dorm room all those years ago? Isn’t that what you do in real life? You make movie scenes for your viewers to watch. I don’t want to be a part of your act.”

  After all these years, he was pulling this crap. I didn’t even know
if I could afford a good attorney to fight him. He probably had dozens of lawyers at his disposal. I could probably afford a lawyer but not a very good one.

  He knew it. He knew that he had me over a barrel.

  I hated him. He was ruining my life all over again. He was so damn selfish. He was selfish then, and he was selfish now.

  I sighed because it was true. The media would make our lives hell if I took this to court. I was not even sure if I could win. He never gave away his parental rights. There was no father listed on her birth certificate. Could he win? I knew everyone loved a star. He could claim he was young and immature. They would believe him. Hell, he was white. Some diehard white judge that Ryan could pay under the table would side with him against me.

  “Just give me a few days to think about it,” I snapped. This bastard would ruin our lives because he had a change of heart. Now, he wanted me to bow down to take his stupid I’m sorry. Sorry wasn’t worth shit when it got uttered by every person. Sorry meanings meant that I get to treat you like shit, but I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. Sorry that I was fucking you over again. Sorry.

  Right. He was a sorry ass jerk was what he was.

  “Ava.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

  “Just let me damn breath,” I hissed. I felt a headache coming on. It was stress. My blood pressure was probably sky high.

  “I can help with movers or anything that you need. I can help.”

  I blinked in disbelief because I couldn’t believe that I was even talking to him right now. Help me? Since when was he damn helpful?

  “No, Ryan, you can’t help. Your chance to help was a long time ago. Give me your number. I’ll call you next week,” I seethed trying not to attack him. He didn’t know when to let shit go.

  “I just need a week to get things together. I have to finish packing the house. I have to get our things settled. Just give me a week.”