I reached for her hands dragging her toward me, thankful that Mercy went outside with Haley, Connor, and Aidan.
“You realize that you and Mercy are my future, right?”
Please believe me. It’s true. They are my destiny.
My forehead pressed to hers. “Please, forgive me. I screwed up. I screwed us up.”
“Ryan.” She moved back from me trying to remove her hands from mine.
I couldn’t let her go, not even her hands. I wanted to be connected to her in any way that I could. To keep her attached to me. I was afraid that if I let her go that she would move on without me.
“Why?” I grabbed her and held her to me. “I know that I was wrong. I accept responsibility for it. I take the blame. None of this was your fault. I was not a good man.”
I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t want to scare her. Kissing her was instinctive, but it wouldn’t rid us of the problems that we were having. Sex hadn’t brought her back to me. It probably just mudded the field. I needed her to agree to be with me outside of the bedroom. I didn’t want sex to cloud her judgement.
“I want to try. Let me try to make this up to you,” I begged. At this point, I was way past begging.
“I don’t want you to want me because of some misguided guilt you have for leaving your daughter.” She pressed her face into my chest. “Don’t, Ryan. Don’t do this to me. Don’t tell me you want me if it’s just about Mercy. I won’t stop you from having your daughter. We can do weekends, every other holiday. Whatever. I just can’t take you manipulating my feelings.”
I knew that I was confusing her. I knew that I was being relentless. “I can’t walk away, not this time. I don’t just want Mercy. I want you. It has always been you even when I was being stupid. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew that you were it for me. I was just stupid and foolish, running away from my destiny. You’re it. You’ll always be it for me. Can’t you see that?”
I lifted her face to mine. I wanted her to look in my eyes and know. Know that I was for real this time. That this time would be forever. She just needed to believe me. Believe in us.
She was mine. She would always be mine. Her marriage was a blip on the screen. He was never the one for her. It was always supposed to be me.
I walked away once. But, deep down, I knew that I was making a mistake even back then.
“Why can’t you just let it go? Why can’t Mercy be enough? You don’t need me. You’re great with her. I can admit that. She already loves you. Leave it at that,” she begged.
It wasn’t good enough. Yes, I wanted Mercy. But, my soul and heart belonged to Ava.
“I can’t.” She didn’t understand. At this point, I could not walk away. The more I was around her the more I realized how much I had missed her. How much I had missed us.
“I’m scared,” Ava whispered.
I hugged her to me because I knew this was all my fault.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know we can’t bury the past. But, we can have the future. We can build it together.”
Her gaze wandered my face like she was searching for the truth. Read my face. It has to say that I love you because it was the truth.
“You know you’re not the only person that needs mercy.” I told her knowing that I had to convince her that our future was entwined.
“What do you mean need Mercy. She’s our daughter. I know that you love her.”
I shook my head. “I’m not talking about our daughter. I remember what you told me regarding why you named our daughter Mercy. I need you to have mercy on me right about now. I need you to keep our flame burning. What we have is not broken. I need you to take a shot on our love again. I need you to trust that what we had in the past was good before I fucked it up. If you ever believed in us, have mercy and trust that I will never let you go again. But, if you like the song says ever loved me, have mercy on me. Nobody will ever love you like I will.”
I didn’t know what else to say to her. I was putting all that I was on the line for Ava. She needed to put me out my misery. I had to know if there could be a future between us. A future that I desperately wanted with my family.
I wanted to demand her answer. I didn’t have the right to demand anything from her. But, I wanted her with every single beat of my heart if she could only look pass my stupid decision years ago.
Please, give me a chance my eyes implored her. Don’t break my heart. Choose me again.
How Not To
Dan & Shay
My body literally tingled from his touch. I wanted the feeling to go away. Feeling this way about him felt stupid, especially since he pushed me away, but all the fight was gone out of me.
What was wrong with me? I hated myself for still loving him so much. But, I couldn’t stop my heart from being totally consumed by him.
He was breaking my resistance. I wanted to hang onto my bitterness and pain. He would not let me. Yet, after weeks of trying to resist him, I felt myself caving.
The heated looks he constantly gave me made my skin burn. His eyes burned my skin whenever he thought I was not looking.
The fake innocent touches that only stoked the flames.
I didn’t want this.
Or, did I?
I couldn’t kid myself. I wanted him. I was lost every time he kissed or touched me. I couldn’t stop loving this man. I didn’t know how to stop thinking about and loving him.
It didn’t matter if I left him, I would still think about him. I would still want him in my life. All the years we were apart never stopped the love that I felt for him. I had thought about him throughout my marriage. I had never truly been fair to my first husband because my heart couldn’t ever belong to him because Ryan had always had it.
Ryan still made my heart hammer in my chest. I still desired this man. The money and the wealth only made him more appealing, but Ryan had always appealed to me even when he had nothing.
The way that he played and interacted with Mercy didn’t help either. He loved her. At least in that, he couldn’t fake it. She was his daughter. She had his eyes and mouth. He probably saw himself in her whenever he looked at her.
I was a different can of worms. He had no connection to me. I was only the mother of his child. That was it.
I wasn’t sure exactly what my heart could take. When he pushed me away the first time, he broke me. My heart had literally felt like it was hurting. Maybe, it was his responsibility to put it back together again.
Tears blurred my vision. I tried to blink them away. I didn’t want to let him back into my life. My heart was just fine. It belonged to me alone.
I didn’t want to give him that control over me again.
But, what if I didn’t have any control over my heart? What if the heart had all the control? My stupid heart didn’t even put up a real battle. It just let him win.
What type of fool would I be if I gave him a chance? It was not just my heart at stake? If we screwed this up, could we be adult enough to co-raise Mercy?
He stood silently the whole time my mind was running away until he finally said, “I won’t hurt you. All I need is a chance. That’s all I’m asking. Just let me prove it to you. I swear I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
I could feel the tension in his body.
“Go out with me tonight? Let me take you to a charity event that I had committed to going to before you and Mercy came. Let me show the world how beautiful you are.” he asked me.
If I said yes, I knew what this meant. It meant that I had given in. I was allowing him a true chance to woo me.
I took a deep breath and let it out. I believed him. It was the way that he looked at me. It was the way that I felt when he touched me. I thought about him every second of the day. The possibility of what he could be excited me.
Love wouldn’t let me breathe without him.
A knot was in my stomach. It would kill me if he left again. But, I had to give him a chance. A chance so that I cou
ld know once and for all that it was over.
If forever was a possibility.
“Ava, I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Anything, Everything. Make me happy. Make us happy,” he said gruffly.
When I didn’t answer quick enough, he said, “I know I’m asking everything of you, but I’m willing to give you everything in return.”
I regarded him, measuring his words and actions over the last few months.
I believed him. What was happening to us was inevitable. Everything that had ever transpired between us led us to this very moment.
My heart clenched. My mouth went dry because I knew what word I was about to utter. I moistened my lips and nodded before I could change my mind, “Okay.”
He circled my waist with his arm, locking me to him. I felt tremors moving through both of our bodies. The emotion in the room was a living breathing entity. Love.
I was going to bungee jump with no cable. I was flying with no parachute. I was swimming with no life jacket. I was going to give myself over to him.
I closed my eyes and clung to him because I knew that I was putting it all on the line. I needed his strength to be strong because I was scared to trust him and myself. But, I was going to do it anyway.
“I promised Mercy I’d take her somewhere special this afternoon. Then, she can hang out with Haley.”
He touched me gently as if he was calming a skittish horse. “You can go buy something sexy for tonight. You know my favorite color, right?” He quizzed with a smirk on his face.
I bit my lip. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to act natural so that I didn’t feel the pressure of what I just agreed to. It didn’t matter. Only the future would be able to tell if I had made the right decision. Nothing that would happen tonight or tomorrow would prove to me anything about our future.
“Yes, I remember your favorite color.” Red. I was still too embarrassed to admit that I still remembered everything about him. I remembered every little thing about him including how he made me feel with just one touch.
I glanced up at him nervously. This was our new beginning.
I heard Mercy enter the kitchen and tried to pull away, but Ryan gripped me tighter. There was no running from this.
“Dad, are we still going to eat lunch somewhere special?” she asked Ryan as if seeing him hold me in the kitchen was a normal occurrence.
“Yes, your mom just agreed to go to a charity event with me. So, she and Aunt Haley are going to find a dress, and you and I will eat lunch together.”
I was trying to feel comfortable in his arms. I was nervous because I was not sure what Mercy thought.
But, she acted like it was no big deal. Oh, to be young and innocent. She probably assumed that we when came to visit her dad that the next step was to become a family. What child wouldn’t want their parents to be together?
“Also, Aunt Haley is going to watch you tonight, while we’re out. Is that cool with you?”
Mercy shrugged, “Yes, I hope this place sells good dessert because I’m hungry.”
“It has the best dessert. Give me five minutes, and we can leave.”
Ryan pulled me closer to him. “See, Mercy knows this is destined. She didn’t even blink. She wants her family too.”
I smiled. This man never lets up. I wished that he had felt this way before. Yes, I was being petty, but it was hard to forget our past. My way of thinking was not going to change overnight.
His hands slid into my hair sending tingles of pleasure to my clit, “I can’t wait for tonight.”
“Dang, y’all. Get a freakin’ room.” Haley said walking into the kitchen.
I tried to pull back again, but this man was acting like he was Velcro. He wouldn’t let us separate.
“That’s the plan. You’re on babysitting duty. Take your friend to buy a sexy red dress for tonight,” Ryan said smirking at Haley.
Haley grinned widely. “Whew, glad you two finally realized the inevitable. Sure, I’ll watch baby girl. Just make sure you do a little somethin’ somethin for me. It has been a while for yo girl.”
“Hush, Haley. Be ready. We’re leaving soon,” I reprimanded her. She knew this wasn’t easy for me. Glad she and Mercy could act like everything was no big deal.
“Fine, but I reserve the right to find the sluttiest outfit for you. Gotta let him see what he’s been missing.”
“Right, what she said,” Ryan said kissing down my neck.
“Pack a bag. We’re not coming home tonight. Just me and you.”
“Okay,” I said breathlessly.
My whole body heated up. The few times I had slept with him had always been with the idea that Mercy could show up at any time. But, going to a hotel meant that we had all night just to be with each other without interruption.
I’m Already Ready to Go
Dan & Shay
I kid you not, when she finally agreed, I could have run a damn marathon. I hadn’t even realized that I’d been holding my breath waiting on her response.
My heart skipped a damn beat.
Ava and I wouldn’t be home tonight. I had something romantic planned, and I wanted it all to go well.
Now, I was out with Mercy, and I couldn’t stop anticipating tonight. I couldn’t wait to finally have Ava in my bed. It felt like I had been waiting forever. Those other times were just appetizers. Having her all to myself was like a full five course meal.
I knew that just because she agreed to give us a chance didn’t mean that I was all in the clear. I still had work to do. I needed to prove to her that this was it for the both of us.
I knew I was on trial even if she didn’t say it out loud. I had no plans of losing this fight. She had said yes, so that meant I was bringing out all the big guns. All the shit I was scared to do in fear of her running was going to be enacted tonight.
“You have a daughter?” a girl screamed through the restaurant. Her fury laced every single word that came from her mouth.
I glanced furiously over at Kelsey. Where the hell had she come from? I hadn’t been paying attention. I was so busy thinking about Ava I hadn’t realized that she had walked up to my table.
I had broken up with Kelsey months ago. She was a minor actress that had dreams of grandeur. She was beautiful but empty headed. Hence, the screaming through the damn restaurant in front of my daughter.
“You can’t be here. This is not a good time. Do not cause a scene,” I growled, knowing that at any moment she would explode. She was one of those women that would do anything for the spotlight. I do not want the spotlight on my daughter. Ava would kill me if she caught Kelsey around our daughter. I promised her that everything would be fine. Everything was fine.
Shit.
“Kelsey, we haven’t seen each other in months. Don’t do this,” I pleaded with her. I did not want my daughter to be part of this shitshow that Kelsey wanted to act out for the crowd around us.
“No, we need to talk about this now. I thought we were going to get married. Why didn’t I know about her?”
“Kelsey, don’t make me call security on you. I do not want this to escalate, especially not in front of my daughter.” I glowered at her hoping that she would get the message.
I looked over at Mercy hoping that Kelsey would understand that I wouldn’t have a nonexistent relationship discussion with her in front of my child.
“Hi, I’m Kelsey. What’s your name?”
Was the chick for real? I had no intentions on introducing her to my daughter. This ignorance ended now.
“Leave,” my voice was clipped. I wanted to shout in her face. She would ruin everything. I saw the paparazzi already snapping pictures.
I didn’t want to imagine what Mercy would tell her mother about our lunch. I cringed. I had just gotten Ava to accept me. Now, Kelsey was making a fucking scene like we were together.
“Mercy, let’s leave.” I waved my hand for the check. It was better to leave than slap the shit out of Kelsey. I had never hit a woman
before, but she was working her way into being the first.
“So, you’re going to pretend that I’m not standing here? You don’t want to introduce me to your daughter. I’m not good enough to be her stepmother?” She screamed now that she knew that she had the whole restaurant’s attention.
And the Oscar for Best Female Lead goes to Kelsey, the bitch that wouldn’t disappear.
I groaned. She was so damn dramatic. Yes, I had been with her, but I hadn’t wanted her. She had known that I had never loved her. She was a business decision, not a love decision. Hell, now, I was hard pressed to see whatever I had ever seen in her.
Crazy female.
I grabbed my wallet and slapped some bills down on the table. I wasn’t sure if I had overpaid, but I didn’t care. I wanted out. I reached for Mercy’s hand.
“Let’s go, Sweetie.” I had no idea what Mercy was thinking. It probably was something along the lines of ‘my daddy is a damn jerk.’
Kelsey was ruining my chances with my family.
Damn, damn, damn. Why wouldn’t she just shut the hell up and go away. Please.
“No, we need to talk,” she said furiously continuing to walk behind me.
I didn’t need to talk. I hadn’t seen this crazy broad in months. Explanations were not necessary between us.
Ava was going to lose her mind. She was going to think I hadn’t changed.
Kelsey blocked my path.
“Kelsey, if you don’t move right now, I’m getting security. Mercy cover your ears.” After I saw that she had done as I instructed. I leaned toward Kelsey.
“If you don’t get out my damn way, I will have security drag your crazy ass out here kicking and screaming. I won’t give two shits about how bad I look. You are screwing with my relationship with my daughter. I won’t have it. Now, move the hell out my way.” I threatened in a whisper so that my daughter didn’t think I was the biggest asshole ever.
It had been over four months. She knew it. She just wanted to hold on to her last grasp of stardom.
Mercy Page 11
