We’re all sitting on chairs in a circle – me, Freddie, Daniel, Eva, a therapist leading the session and a bunch of other couples.
I thought for a second that perhaps Daniel and Eva wouldn’t show up, but I guess they’re in it to win it as much as I am.
Each couple is taking it in turns to speak a little about their lives together and why they have ended up giving talking therapy a go. We’re in one of the English sessions, so everyone here is from the UK or the US. I suppose it makes things easier, if everyone is speaking the same language. Victoria, our therapist today, doesn’t have an overly strong accent but I can hear the subtle Yorkshire undertones. Here in this room I could almost think I were at home in England, were it not so, so warm. Luckily the air con is keeping us cool in here; it isn’t doing much for the tempers though.
‘I’m Jen and this is my husband, Kevin,’ a woman who appears to be in her late thirties says. I instantly like her because, although she sounds quite shy, she has the same accent as I do and she’s tall. I see a lot of myself in her.
‘And what brought you two to Valentine Island?’ Victoria asks.
‘Lies upon lies,’ Kevin scoffs.
‘Oh?’ Victoria prompts. I’ve noticed she does a lot of prompting. Another thing she does is wait for ages before she speaks, letting people talk and talk and then, when she remains silent, they talk a little more. I feel as if she’s trying to bleed us dry of information. People talk the amount it makes sense to talk, but then she therapists them into saying more than they ought to. Well, she isn’t going to trick me into sharing my feelings.
‘My darling wife – of seven years – told me that she was taking me somewhere special on holiday,’ he explains. ‘She arranged for her mum to look after the kids, drove us to the airport and then brought me here!’
‘You don’t think here is special?’ Victoria asks.
‘Look, Jen knows there’s only one place I want to go. Hobbiton in New Zealand. When she told me she was taking me somewhere special, she knew what she was implying.’
Victoria can’t wait for a second to ask this question.
‘Hobbiton?’
‘It’s from The Lord of the Rings,’ he tells her, very matter-of-factly. ‘You can do these pilgrimages through Middle-earth.’
‘You’re a big fan of The Lord of the Rings?’ Victoria asks.
Kevin’s wife, Jen, blushes with embarrassment.
‘Is Bilbo Baggins a hobbit?’ he replies – I imagine rhetorically.
‘Did you mislead him?’ Victoria asks Jen.
‘I knew he’d never agree to a therapy holiday so, it’s true, I didn’t tell him where we were going – but I didn’t think he’d be disappointed.’
‘You know all I want is to go to New Zealand,’ he replies, leaning forward. ‘It’s all I talk about. It’s ridiculous, saying you didn’t think I’d assume that’s where we were going.’
‘What’s ridiculous is a grown man, crying on a beautiful beach, wearing a pair of hobbit feet.’
‘Oh, yeah, I’m the nutcase,’ he snaps back. ‘You’re the one who took me into a therapy session with two therapists who I thought were guests here too. I was like, “Oh, these two nosey buggers ask a lot of personal questions.”’
‘Okay,’ Victoria interrupts hurriedly, stopping things before they get going. ‘We all understand a lot more about why you two are here. Who do we have next?’
‘We’re Eva and Daniel,’ Eva says, all smiles, her head bouncing up and down like a nodding dog. She has his hand tightly between both of hers. ‘We recently celebrated our first anniversary.’
My ears ring and my vision blurs. I feel so overwhelmed with shock and anger, I feel as if I’m going to pass out. I feel an arm wrap around me; it’s Freddie, pulling me back from the other side. He rubs my shoulder reassuringly, which makes me feel a bit calmer, but I’m still so furious and upset.
‘Congratulations,’ Victoria says. ‘And what brought you to Valentine Island?’
‘We recently went through a little bit of turbulence,’ Eva explains as Daniel nods emphatically. Victoria nods as she listens. They’re all bouncing their heads up and down as if they’re at an indie gig. ‘But we continue on our journey, and we’re stronger than ever.’
Listening to Daniel and Eva talking about their relationship is a real out-of-body experience. Daniel was with me. They were going behind my back. And yet I feel so detached from it all, as if I’m a fly on the wall, watching a reality TV show. They’re both characters I recognise and I can’t believe what shocking thing they’re doing now… but, as upset as I am, I feel removed from it. I feel as if my day-to-day life was taken from me and, with no idea what’s going to happen next, all I know now is this. Valentine Island is my new normal. I know that it’s just a holiday, and I’m not saying I want to live in a perpetual state of post-break-up, with the two of them living next door, messing around with Freddie to try and show them how over it I am… but here, things are easier. I don’t have to go back to my day-to-day routine, working, shopping, paying the bills, sharing a house with Daniel. Here really is a holiday – and Freddie is a fantastic distraction – but back home I’m going to have to face up to everything. At least while I’m here, it isn’t just a holiday. It’s a break from reality. A reality that I’m terrified to go back to.
‘How lovely,’ Victoria says.
Victoria will know why the four of us are here, which does make me wonder why she thought it might be a good idea to sit us next to each other. One wrong word and this circle of chairs could form the barrier for a fighting pit.
‘And finally,’ Victoria says, turning to me and Freddie.
I’m about to speak when Freddie takes the lead. He removes his sunglasses before he speaks.
‘Holy crap,’ Jen blurts.
‘What?’ Kevin asks her.
‘F… F… F…’
‘You sound like a steam train,’ he tells her. ‘Spit it out.’
‘Freddie Bianchi… from Edge of Eden…’
‘The mucky movies for women?’ Kevin asks, looking Freddie up and down. ‘Fair play to you, mate. I think my wife has sex with you more than she does with me.’
I wince. I feel as if I’m watching my parents argue, caught in the middle trying to eat my fish fingers and not get scarred for life.
‘I’m Freddie,’ he continues, quickly pulling attention back from Jen and Kevin’s bickering. ‘This is Lila. We’re still in that honeymoon phase where we can’t get enough of each other.’
‘That’s lovely,’ Victoria replies. ‘Any issues so far?’
‘Only in the bedroom,’ Freddie replies.
I am taken aback by his response. He’s going rogue and the fact I have no idea what he’s going to say makes me feel vulnerable.
‘Would you like to elaborate?’ Victoria prompts. I swear I just saw her bite her lip. It seems as if all women really are mad about Edward Eden – even the therapists.
‘Well, we’re here on this wonderful holiday… but we really struggle to get out of bed. We want to make the most of it and see the sights, but… you know.’
‘Well, there are worse problems to have,’ Victoria replies. ‘I understand you had an altercation with Daniel last night during Mr & Mrs Valentine Island.’
‘Daniel is my ex,’ I explain. It’s on the tip of my tongue to dish every devastating detail of what has happened but will it make me feel better? Probably not. I’m sure I’ll just feel embarrassed, and it might delegitimise my showmance with Freddie. If I do start having it out with Daniel, I really will need a therapist.
‘Oh,’ Victoria replies. ‘Daniel, do you think perhaps you were jealous that Freddie is with Lila now?’
‘No,’ he quickly snaps back, his shifty little eyes bouncing from side to side. ‘Of course not.’
‘Perhaps you feel emasculated by Edward?’
‘Freddie,’ Freddie corrects her. He laughs awkwardly. It seems as if this happens a lot.
‘Sorry, Freddi
e,’ she replies, her cheeks flushing.
‘Of course, I’m not emasculated… by him,’ Daniel insists unconvincingly.
‘No shame in it, mate,’ Kevin chimes in. ‘Wait until you’ve been together seven years – you’ll be happy your wife has someone else she’s interested in. Bloody hell, you can’t win with women. You either want too much sex from them, or you’re not giving them enough…’
‘I’m not threatened by him,’ Daniel snaps.
‘Hmm, that’s interesting,’ Victoria says. ‘No one said “threatened” – do you think you feel threatened?’
‘What?’ he replies. ‘No. I just said that I didn’t feel threatened by him. He’s just the muscle who got hired to be in some rubbish film. He isn’t better than me.’
‘Daniel, shut up,’ I snap.
‘It’s okay,’ Freddie reassures me. ‘Let him talk, it’s funny.’
‘You think this is funny?’ Daniel asks, jumping to his feet.
‘I do,’ our resident hobbit says, before his wife jabs him in the arm with her elbow.
‘Okay, okay, okay,’ Victoria says. ‘Everyone in their seats now. I need to regain control of this session. No more judgement, let’s try some positivity.’
Daniel, scowling at Freddie, angered by his calm smile, reluctantly sits back down.
‘Can you stop acting like you’re bothered,’ I just about make out Eva whisper to him.
‘I want everyone to take a turn at telling the group something positive about their partner, okay?’ Victoria suggests. ‘Claire and Simon, you go first.’
Claire and Simon, other than introducing themselves, have been otherwise pretty silent throughout everyone else’s mess. They both utter perfectly reasonable but otherwise unremarkable traits they like in each other.
‘Jen is a good mum,’ Kevin offers up, after a few seconds thinking about it.
‘The nicest thing you can say about me is that I’m a good mum?’ she repeats angrily. ‘I may as well be the nanny.’
‘I don’t know why I bloody bother,’ he replies.
Watching them argue, it is crystal clear why they are both here… but they’re still together and they’re trying. That’s what you do when you’re unhappy with your partner, right? You try and you work on things, even if they’re driving you mad. You don’t shag one of their friends.
‘Skip me,’ Jen insists.
‘Eva,’ Victoria prompts.
‘Hmm, well… he’s very generous. He buys me lots of things,’ she replies, sounding a little bit like a kid, talking about why they like their birthday.
‘Okay,’ Victoria replies.
I’m not about to claim that I can psychoanalyse a person who psychoanalyses people for a living, but it’s plain for everyone to see that Victoria can detect the cracks in Daniel and Eva’s relationship. Well, it serves them right. That’s what happens when you try and forge a relationship out of parts of someone else’s. It would be like trying to build yourself a house with whatever is in your shed along with half a stolen caravan. It’s just a messy nightmare that isn’t going to hold up.
‘I like that Eva isn’t a nightmare like some women I’ve dated,’ Daniel says. ‘She isn’t messy, she doesn’t nag me, she isn’t dramatic.’
Eva gasps theatrically.
‘Oh, Daniel, I love you so much,’ she says, closing her eyes as she hugs his arm tightly.
Nope, she isn’t dramatic at all.
‘Okay,’ Victoria says. ‘But try to keep your comments completely positive. Lila?’
‘I love that Freddie does whatever it takes to make me smile,’ I say. ‘It’s like nothing is too much for him.’
We might be here pretending to be a couple, but every word I just said is completely true. I mean, look at him, he’s a movie star on holiday, and yet he’s sitting here in this warm room with me, having counselling, pretending to be my boyfriend, being insulted by Daniel… I can’t believe he’s still sitting here.
‘Lovely,’ Victoria replies. ‘Finally, Freddie… what do you like the most about Lila?’
Freddie looks at me for a moment. As his dimples deepen, I smile back at him. With our eyes we exchange a look that acknowledges how ridiculous this is. I try to apologise to him simply by adjusting my smile, turning my grin into a sort of awkward, constipated-looking gurn, to let him know how sorry I am that he’s been put on the spot like this. I hope he realises.
‘What do I love about Lila?’ he starts. ‘I love that she never gives up on love. After everything she’s been through and how everyone has treated her, you could forgive anyone in her position for losing hope… but not Lila. She’s a brilliant, romantic, wonderful person, and I am so lucky that she didn’t give up on love before she met me.’
‘God, you’re good,’ Kevin says. ‘You guys should get drinks with us.’
‘Oh, yes,’ Jen quickly adds.
‘We’d love to,’ says Freddie. ‘Right, gorgeous?’
‘We would,’ I add, but that’s about all I can say. I’m stunned by Freddie’s amazing reply. I suppose he’s right, I haven’t given up on love, as much as I probably should have. I just wish that everything he said were true because, now that I think about it, I don’t think it’s just love I want… I think it’s Freddie.
28
I’m not sure our counselling session went all that well, not by anyone’s standards. I don’t feel any better for attention, Daniel only seems to be angrier, the poor couple who wound up sitting next to Jen and Kevin are probably scarred for life, and I wouldn’t be surprised if our therapist was currently updating her CV, looking for work in a less stressful environment like a prison or a bomb-disposal unit.
For a moment I was worried that they wouldn’t allow us to carry on competing in Mr & Mrs Valentine Island, but it turns out that, after last night’s display, the crowd are loving watching Freddie, and I think the staff have realised that they would be stupid to kick him out of the competition. By association, this means that I get to carry on competing with him and, to avoid Daniel and Eva kicking off about the special treatment, they have been allowed to continue in the competition too.
I might mind, had we not just kicked their butts again, in round three of the competition. I suppose tonight it was easy. We were all blindfolded and shown to the dance floor, where we were told that the aim of the game was to find our partner simply by using our hands. My eyes were already covered, but I heard the audience ‘woo’ when this was announced – I think this is the resort’s attempt at doing something semi-saucy, but I suppose it’s only as saucy as you make it, and we were categorically told behind the scenes that, whatever happened during this round, we were not to ‘touch anyone where they wouldn’t want to be touched’ – words that, before I knew what the aim of the game was going to be, absolutely terrified me.
It wasn’t so bad though. I didn’t have to encounter too many random wandering hands (nor did I accidentally grab onto anything I would rather not), and of course we won, because Freddie is so much larger than everyone else, I didn’t struggle to get my hands on his body straight away. Of course, that is a concept I can’t get out of my mind at the moment, so I suppose I was bound to find it a piece of cake.
Daniel and Eva came second but I don’t mind, because not only is second place the first loser, but finding Daniel was almost as easy as finding Freddie – perhaps even easier, given that Daniel is the only man here with a long hipster beard.
I used to like Daniel’s beard. Well, I liked what it stood for. I loved that he has his own sense of style and that he likes to look good. Beards generally never really did much for me, but I got on board with Daniel’s. Now, looking at it from the outside, I’m not really sure what I saw in it. I suppose beauty really is skin deep and if you like someone you wind up liking everything about them. Now I’ve been spending time with Freddie, I appreciate his designer stubble way more than any beard.
After claiming our victory we grabbed a couple of cocktails and sat down at one of the free ta
bles, waiting for Ali and her hunky barman Max to join us. Ali seems to really like Max, but she really likes everyone in the early stages of lust. Still, if she wants us to meet him then we’re happy to…
I catch myself talking about Freddie as if we’re a real couple and remind myself that we’re not – and thank God we’re not, because if we were then this would be a double date, and we know how I feel about those, don’t we?
There weren’t many free tables when we sat down. Not long after we took our seats, Daniel and Eva sat down at the table next to us. It was still busy when Ali and Max arrived so the six of us are in uncomfortably close proximity. I doubt Ali has told Max what’s going on with my and Freddie’s showmance, so it’s not as if we’d be chatting about it anyway.
Now that it’s getting late, and the bar has nearly emptied, I’m itching to find an excuse to move, or hoping Daniel and Eva go to bed soon – words I never thought I’d say.
‘See, sometimes we do things outside,’ Ali says, a reference to earlier, when I said that she and Max only had things in common when they were horizontal – well, the Ali equivalent of horizontal, because that girl’s legs know the Kama Sutra like the back of her head.
‘I see that now,’ I joke, and then I remember that Daniel can hear us. ‘Us too.’
Freddie leans over to whisper in my ear, covering his mouth with his hand so no one can tell what he’s saying.
‘Don’t look, but Daniel is staring at you,’ he tells me. ‘So I'm pretending to whisper something funny or sexy into your ear.’
‘Oh, my gosh, Freddie,’ I squeak, giving him a playful shove.
I can’t resist glancing over at Daniel to see how he reacts. He looks sick with anger. I can see the beads of sweat rolling down his face from here.
‘Ooh, Max, tell them about that thing tonight,’ Ali says, running a finger seductively up and down his arm. They may be outside, but they’re clearly in the midst of foreplay right now.
‘What’s tonight?’ I ask through a yawn. I don’t want to sound old but tonight is over; we’re heading towards morning territory now.
Honeymoon for One Page 19
