by Jenn Vakey
She hadn't asked me why I didn’t tell them, but she had tried to tell me that I should on several occasions. That was why I had kissed her that day in the woods. After she told me that none of it had actually been an act. Not that I really believe that. Hell, I had actually been expecting her to pull away. On some level, I hoped that she would. It would have made it so much easier just to slam that door and never look back. But she had kissed me back.
Even after I gave her an out, she still wanted to take responsibility for her actions. She wanted to be punished because she thought she deserved it. I knew she was right, but I still couldn’t do it. Just like I couldn’t find it within myself to just let it go and forgive her.
CHAPTER THREE
LEEYA
I took in a breath, wiping the sweat off of my forehead as I finished my training. I didn't want to stop. I wouldn't have if I didn't need to get to the clinic for my hours.
I had just finished putting my bastons away when a figure stumbled out of the woods. It took a moment for me to understand what I was even seeing. It was the blood running down the side of Auggie’s face that snapped me out of the daze and sent me running toward him.
“What the hell happened?” I asked, grabbing his arm and pulling it over my shoulder. He grunted in pain, but he didn’t fight me as I started walking him toward the clinic.
“Damn Sentry,” he muttered. “I was coming back from taking a report to one of our other communities when they jumped me.”
It took some effort, but I got Auggie into the clinic and up onto the table. I called for Noella, but she wasn’t there. Dammit. She was still in the meeting. The one that I had been forcefully asked not to attend.
At the sound of my call, though, one of the doors in the hall opened and Rhydian stepped out. He looked from me to Auggie, his brow furrowed in concern. I couldn’t focus on him. All that would accomplish would be distracting me. Auggie needed my focus right now.
“What happened?” Rhydian asked. He pulled the door closed behind him and walked toward us.
I took out the scanner and started running it over Auggie.
“Retaliation for Adler,” he answered, pulling my eyes up to his face. With the explanation, I felt a wave of guilt settle in. If anything serious happened to any of the people of Alkwin because of what I’d done, I knew that I’d never be able to forgive myself.
“Three Sentry,” he went on. “They didn’t even try to get me to let them in the wards. They were out for blood. They wanted to know who was responsible for what happened to him.” His eyes moved between Rhydian and me. “I didn’t give them anything.”
I couldn’t meet either of their gazes as I finished the scan and let my relief out on a breath. No broken bones, no internal injuries. He was going to be okay.
I put the scanner down and grabbed a cloth from the drawer. Wetting it, I stepped over to Auggie’s side. I could feel Rhydian watching me as I tenderly cleaned the blood from his face. Weeks ago this would have felt so strange. It wasn’t uncommon for Healers in Eden to do such things, but this felt different. Auggie was my friend, and I cared for him as such. It didn’t feel awkward at all, not even when both guys were watching me.
After cleaning the wound, I used some of the gel Noella had managed to replicate from the first tube that I had brought in. I closed the gash on his head, then gave him a warm smile, hoping to convey just how sorry I felt that he had gotten pulled into a problem that was mine to begin with. Then I helped him from the table and sent him on his way.
“Everyone’s still in the meeting hall,” Rhydian told him when he reached the door. “Give them an update on the situation.”
Auggie nodded and left. I closed my eyes and pulled in a breath, my insides twisting at the thought of how bad this could have been. Auggie was a strong fighter, but he had been outnumbered. I knew all too well just how ruthless the Sentry could be. If they had gotten the upper hand, they would have tortured him. Made the last moments of his life hell before killing him.
“This is my fault,” I said softly, knowing Rhydian was still standing there. I grabbed the blood stained cloth and tossed it in the bin, then ran my fingers through my hair. There had to be something I could do to fix this. To take the target off the others and keep them safe. If I hadn’t had my sister to worry about, I would walk back into Eden and make sure that everyone knew I was the one to blame.
“You didn’t have a choice,” he said levelly.
I looked up to meet his eye, his words bringing me no comfort. He was right. At least in a way. If I hadn’t stopped Adler, he would have killed Rhydian. That was something that I couldn’t have let happen.
“I could have stopped,” I said, knowing that he couldn’t argue to that point. Then, without waiting for him to respond, I turned and walked to one of the open rooms and shut the door.
* * *
The attack was all anyone wanted to talk about at dinner. I had considered just getting up and leaving when the others started asking Auggie about it. Wanting details. Wanting to talk about the likelihood of it happening again. I actually might have had Rhydian not walked over and joined us.
I knew I was stuck there after that. If I got up to leave now, it would just look like I was leaving because he was there. Things were already bad enough between the two of us. I didn’t need to make them worse.
“It will pass,” Joury said, flashing a smile in Rhydian’s direction before looking back at the others. “It always does. Until then, we’ll just do what we always do. We’ll be more careful when we have to leave the wards.”
“Why aren’t we just using Hallers to contact the other communities?” Aarys asked. “That way we don’t have to send anyone at all.”
Rhydian shook his head. “Hallers can be tracked. If anyone in Eden were to find out which ones we had here, they could use them to get a location for the camp.”
“No they couldn’t,” I said without thinking. I instantly regretted the statement as soon as I watched everyone turn toward me. I knew for a fact that they couldn’t be traced here, but it wasn’t something I could really explain to them. Or, at least, not something that I could say without explaining how I had gotten the information. It was too late now. I had already said too much, and now I had no choice but to finish it. “The wards block the location of the Hallers.”
“What makes you think that?” Auggie asked.
It was a simple question, no accusation mixed with it. I could feel myself growing increasingly uncomfortable, though. I didn’t know how to answer it, and I found my eyes flicking up to Rhydian. He met my gaze for a moment, curious enough himself that he actually looked my way, then I watched as recognition hit his eyes.
“Adler told us that night in the woods,” he said calmly, speaking to the others instead of me directly. “I hadn’t really thought about the fact that Leeya would have known if he was lying. Which means that, as far as he knew, which I’m guessing was probably a lot on the matter, the Hallers can’t actually be tracked here. That should make things a little easier for us.”
I looked back down at my plate, pushing the food around instead of eating it. I hated lying to everyone. I hated that Rhydian was making me do it.
Having him sitting with us should have made me feel better. It should have left me with some hope that things were going to get better. That we could actually go back to being friends again. Even if I knew there was no chance of it ever being anything more. But it didn’t. It just hurt. It brought back up all of those feelings I was trying so hard to keep buried. The pain, the guilt. The deep feeling of loss. I almost couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be happy anymore. All I felt nowadays was like my whole world was completely falling apart.
I didn’t go back to the dorm after dinner. I didn’t want to have to listen to everyone joking around and having fun. To hear Rhydian talking so casually to everyone else when we were barely speaking at all. I definitely didn’t want to pretend that most of the things that were bothering me weren’t ac
tually there at all. I was so tired of pretending.
Walking out past the tree line, I found the spot with the fallen tree and sat down. The sun was already well on its way to bed, leaving the air much cooler around me. I didn’t mind. It gave me something else to focus on than just the torment brewing within me.
I wanted to be able to talk to Dallin. I knew he was working with us now to help get Lillith back, but that wasn’t enough. I needed him. I needed to hear him tell me that everything was going to be okay. That I wasn’t going to feel like this forever. I wished that I still had the Haller. It wouldn’t be safe to call him on, though. Not since Adler was the one who had given it to me. They might not be able to track us here, but they would be able to see who the calls were being made to. That would put Dallin in danger.
I had already put enough people in danger.
After what I had done, I didn’t think Rhydian would trust me enough to let me use a different one. I didn’t think he was ever going to trust me again. Something I couldn’t really blame him for.
How had I messed things up so badly?
My heart gave a little leap when I heard the sound of footsteps moving toward me. I couldn’t make myself look back, though. I wanted to hold onto that good feeling, as fleeting as it was. Because even I wasn’t foolish enough to think that Rhydian was actually coming out to talk to me. Not out here.
When Orson stepped into view, I not only lost those good feelings, but a sense of anger started swarming through me. We hadn’t talked much over the past two weeks. I didn’t really have anything to say to him. I might have reluctantly accepted who he was, who I was to him, but that didn’t mean anything to me. Unless it had something to do with my sister and getting her back, I just didn’t feel the need to talk to him at all.
“This was one of my favorite spots when I first came here,” he said, looking around the clearing. His hands were tucked into his pockets, trying to mask the fact that he was obviously uncomfortable. “I would always come out here when I needed to get away from everyone else and think.”
I clenched my jaw, seriously considering the possibility that he had just ruined this spot for me. I wanted to be spiteful, but there were very few things in the world that actually made me feel comforted anymore. I couldn’t let go of one of them just because of him.
“You can’t honestly expect me to want to sit here and bond with you,” I said dryly. “But if you really want to talk, then fine. We can talk. Let’s talk about the fact that my mother is dead because you decided to just leave your pregnant wife behind in Eden. Or we can talk about the fact that my sister is being held and God knows what is happening to her because you, a Tainted person, didn’t even consider the fact that your children could also be. You didn’t even seem to consider that you should send someone to actually check on us and make sure we would pass the tests that you believed at the time would result in us being killed.”
I pushed up and stared at him, so much anger toward this man.
“I have a dad,” I said, holding his eye. I didn’t care if it hurt him to hear. I didn’t owe him anything. “A great one. I don’t need or want another one.”
Without letting him say anything else, I turned and walked back into camp. My eyes were already starting to burn when I reached the dorm and yanked the door open. I didn’t know why I let him have that effect on me. There were so many things that I wanted to cry over, and he wasn’t one of them. He wasn’t worth my tears.
As I neared my room, I saw Rhydian look up from where he was talking with Zaydan and Aarys in the common area. I dropped my head quickly, not wanting him to see I was upset. I didn’t need his pity, or for him to feel some obligation to check on me. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted all of this to just be over. To get my sister back and put all of this behind me.
There was a knock on my door a few moments later. I was actually planning on ignoring it, guessing that it was Rhydian, but then it pushed open. To my relief, it was a curtain of red hair I saw peeking in, followed by a sweet smile.
“Mind if I come in?” Aarys asked.
I sighed, sitting up in the middle of the bed, and waved her in. I didn’t really want to talk, but if I had to talk to anyone, she was at the top of my list. Aarys might be young, only fifteen, but she had quickly become one of my favorite people. She was strong–not just her personality–and she was sweet. Caring, while at the same time leaving you with no doubt that she would hurt anyone who dared mess with someone she loved.
“So,” she said expectantly, her eyes moving over my face. Then she crossed the room and sat down on the side of the bed next to me. I had no doubt that Rhydian had sent her. He had seen that I was upset. Told her to come check on me and make sure I wasn’t going to do something stupid. “Are you okay?”
I couldn’t stop the bark of a laugh that erupted from my throat. It shook free some of my tears, causing them to roll down my cheeks. I rolled my eyes at the lack of control, then wiped them away.
“Just another fun chat with Orson,” I told her. “Well, more like me unloading every reason why I have no desire to actually talk to him. You would think that I’d actually feel better after that.”
Aarys shrugged and leaned back against the headboard. “No one really blames you for not wanting to embrace him as your new daddy. And you don't have to explain it to me. You know my story. I can't honestly say that I would have many nice things to say to my father if I ever met him.”
I couldn't blame her for feeling that way. She had been an infant when her mother brought her to Alkwin. Her father had chosen to stay behind in Eden. He left her to be raised by the community here after her mother had fallen ill and died. It actually wasn’t too far off from my story.
“So, what’s going on with you and Rhydian?” Aarys asked.
I had to struggle not to let my tears build again. As far as I knew, no one in Alkwin knew about us being together before everything that had happened with Adler. I wanted to talk to someone about it. To be able to get all of this out. The problem was, I didn’t want it getting around to everyone. I didn’t want Rhydian to know that I was talking about it. If he had wanted anyone to know, he would have said something. He wouldn’t have only kissed me when we were alone and away from everyone else.
When I looked at Aarys and readied myself to play dumb, though, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. All I could do was stare at her, feeling my eyes betraying me as they swelled again with tears.
She looked so confused, trying to understand what had just happened. Then her brow rose, eyes widening, and I knew she had figured it out.
Crap.
“Oh,” she said, looking back out into the room, her shock apparent.
“Please don’t tell him I said anything,” I said softly. “Or anyone else.”
Aarys gave me a sly smirk and shrugged. “Technically, you didn’t say anything. But I won’t tell anyone else. Do you… do you want to talk about it?”
I thought about it for a moment before nodding. It wasn’t just a want. It was a need. So I told her. I told her everything.
Aarys just sat there in silence and listened to me, doing nothing more than nodding along as I went. When I finished, she dropped her head back and pushed out a deep breath.
This was it. No matter what Rhydian had told me, my choice had been my own. The truth was out there now. I would accept the consequences that I deserved, no matter what they were.
“Okay, so you were grabbed the same time they took Lillith,” she repeated, making sure she understood. “Adler sent you here to get Rhydian out, telling you that he had killed his brother. In your attempt to earn his trust so you could get your sister back, you actually developed feelings for him. You two developed feelings for each other. So you decided to go against Adler and get Lillith back yourself, but Rhydian followed you out of Alkwin that night. Because the two of you had gotten very friendly, and he was worried you were running away because of it. That’s how Adler grabbed the two of you. Now Rhydian won’t le
t you tell anyone what really happened. Did I miss anything?”
I shook my head. I didn’t tell her what had happened out in the woods with Adler, because it wasn’t something I actually wanted to talk about. It wasn’t important to the story. None of my actions there could make up for what I had done to them. Done to Rhydian.
There was also no way, no matter how much I trusted Aarys, that I was going to mention the young princess that was still being held in the clinic. Rhydian hadn’t told me why she was there, but I knew it was for her protection. It wasn’t my secret to tell.
I looked over at her, waiting for her to react. Waiting to see that same hurt look that Rhydian had given me. Searching. But it wasn’t there. She just sighed again, then dropped her arm over my shoulders. Definitely not the reaction I had been expecting.
“Well, here’s the way I see it,” she stated. “You had bad information and were stuck in an impossible situation. You could have told Adler about Alkwin. You knew how to get here after you took that first trip out with me. You had details about the community. You could have also taken down the wards like he wanted. Even though you thought that it could get you Lillith back, you didn’t do any of that. You even did everything you could to keep Rhydian safe. I can understand why he’s mad, but I think even he has to see all of that too. Otherwise he would have just come right back here and told everyone what you had done.”
“Or he felt like he owed me that because I saved his life when I killed Adler,” I said.
She thought about that for a moment, but didn’t look like she really agreed.
“All I know for sure is that he’s worried about you,” said Aarys. “If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have cared that you were upset when you came in here. He wouldn’t have sent me in here to check on you. Maybe he just needs more time. Rhydian’s only been close to one other girl in the entire time he’s been here. Personally, I like you a whole lot more than I liked her. And even though they were together for a while, things didn’t look nearly as serious as you’re making it sound like things were with the two of you. The guy’s always been careful to guard himself. That just means that he isn’t going to take a chance again until he knows that it isn’t going to bite him in his grumpy ass.”
