by Petra Landon
“I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. I’ve taken risks at your command to prove myself to you and the Pack. And yet, you’ve never accepted me. Why am I so untrustworthy in your eyes? Is it because you simply don’t like me or is it because I’m a wizard?”
Her words reverberated in the air silently between them. For a moment, Tasia wished that she could take back her last statement. He didn’t deserve to have that thrown at him. But a fury like she’d never experienced before engulfed Tasia, making her unwilling for once to back down.
“I should’ve left you to rot in the leech nest that night, instead of directing my Shifters to fight for you” he said fiercely with a kind of cold rancor that unnerved her. “Or perhaps, I should’ve walked away and let Franciszka have you, instead of jeopardizing the Pack’s relationship with the local leech Mistress to protect you.”
Tasia stared at him, taken aback by the bitterness evident in his words.
“Perhaps I should have ignored your friend Caroline’s plea and left you in Anderson’s power instead of hot-footing it there to take him on. I made a promise to myself years ago to keep my distance from all wizards. And all these years, I’ve made sure to keep my dealings with them to a minimum. I even broke my pledge for you that night when I confronted Anderson at the Registry.”
“And you believe that I did all this because I do not trust you, Tasia Armstrong!”
A sense of shame surged through Tasia. He was right! She’d allowed a moment of anger to goad her into hurtful words. The Pack had come through for her again and again, without ever calculating the costs or risks to itself in the endeavor. And they had done so purely on the Alpha’s command. She’d won the lottery the day this man had offered her Pack protection. Tasia opened her mouth to apologize for her thoughtless words but the Alpha was not done yet.
“Pray that you never have to face the consequences if I ever do stop trusting you, witchling! You wouldn’t last a day out there, not with Anderson and the leeches and Lord knows who else circling you.”
There was a short silence and Tasia sat back down heavily in her chair. This was a right pickle. She’d messed it up good, she realized. He had a right to be absolutely livid.
“I know that my chances out there without you are pretty grim” Tasia attempted to apologize.
“Really?” he inquired, bitingly sarcastic. “From where I stand, you seem to be in sore need of a reality check.”
“That’s not true” Tasia protested, agitated by the accusation. “I’m grateful for everything you and the Pack have done for me.”
“You have a unique way of showing it.”
“What do you want from me?” Tasia cried out in frustration.
“A little trust would be a good start.”
“I’ve never lied to you. There are some things I cannot reveal to you. You knew that when you offered me Pack protection.”
“I understand that you have secrets. But it’s not unreasonable to expect you to give me a heads up when a familiar name crops up in an investigation you’re involved in with me.”
Stopped in her tracks by his words, Tasia simply stared at him.
“Do you even realize that you’ve put yourself in greater danger by not telling me of your connection to Azevedo” Raoul demanded. “I’d never have encouraged LaRue to dig into Azevedo’s past if I’d known that he was your father.”
Tasia faltered for the first time. She knew that he was right on this. By keeping him in the dark, she might’ve inadvertently dug her own grave. Lord knows what Jason would uncover once he started digging into the former Guardian’s past. She herself had been unaware of her father’s connection with the Lombardi Nest, the same Blutsaugers allegedly in cahoots with Lady Bethesda. And the Nest that Rafaelo Bianchi belonged to – the vampire who had casually ordered her death because of his perception of her as a ‘spare’. Tasia shuddered visibly, the full import of how close to catastrophe she’d unknowingly come that evening when Bianchi had had her under his control washing over her.
Raoul watched angrily, her obvious fear inexplicably raising his ire.
“I warned Hawk that I came with too many secrets for the Pack” she murmured, thinking out loud, Hawk’s perspicacious and perceptive advice from their conversation still vivid in her mind. “He assured me that you’d understand as long as I was candid with you.”
I should have paid more attention to what Hawk was trying to tell me.
“Leave Hawk out of this” Raoul snapped, frustration and anger bubbling up in him. “You and I had an understanding, witchling. This has nothing to do with him.”
Tasia shook her head – he’d mistaken her regret for accusation. “Should have listened to him” she muttered, singularly frustrated by her inability to articulate her contrition and regret to the Alpha clearly. She stood up abruptly, clearly agitated. Tasia’s intention was to pace the floor, gather her thoughts together before she attempted to talk to him again.
“Don’t you dare walk away again” the voice, full of bitterness and rage, lashed at her, stopping her in her tracks.
“I warn you, witchling! I will not offer you Pack protection for a third time” this time the voice was merely hard but Tasia was left in no doubt that he meant every word of it. “Make very sure that you think well and hard before you decide to turn your back on the Pack again.”
A sense of inevitability washed over Tasia. This was not meant to be, she realized with a deep sadness that caught her by surprise. It should never have been. A Shifter Pack was no place for someone like her. And this man, with all his intrinsic qualities, would always be a Shifter Alpha. She’d been so skeptical of his offer to work with the Pack. And yet gradually, in the last week, her initial ambivalence had given way to confidence that this venture could work with a little effort from all parties. There had been a subtle but unmistakable change in his attitude towards her. It had allowed her to be hopeful for a future and a longer term working relationship with the Pack. She found the job exciting, challenging, interesting and fun. In addition, she’d gained a new respect for the people that she worked with. She’d even made some inroads with the other Shifters on the team. But it was not to be. For Tasia, there was no railing against fate at her realization, rather a quiet acceptance of the fact.
She would finish out her three months of probation and disappear, hopefully forewarned with enough information about Guardian Anderson. When the time came, the break would have to be for good. But Tasia also knew that this was not the right time to walk away – not like this! When she made the break, the Alpha and the Pack would be left in no doubt of her gratitude and appreciation for everything that they’d done for her.
“You misunderstand me, Alpha” she said soberly, all trace of anger leached out of her. “I truly am grateful for everything.”
Raoul stared at her, a tad nonplussed by her sudden switch from vehement defense to sober earnestness.
“I seem to have done a poor job of expressing it and I apologize for that” her words were softly earnest.
She paused but the Alpha said nothing although the tight expression on his face seemed to relax a little. There was a short silence as they stared at each other with the ghosts of accusations and bitterness from their conversation hanging in the air between them.
“I need some air” Tasia announced abruptly, coming to an impulsive decision. Nothing would be served by their attempting to move past this conversation while the echoes of it still rang in their ears. Raoul watched her walk away, their last confrontation which had culminated in her walking out of the Lair still fresh in his mind. She was almost to the door when she turned around to address him again.
“I’m not walking away from the Pack. I just need to clear my head so I can articulate what I would like to tell you better. I want to make sure that you understand that.”
Raoul merely gazed back at her, a little off kilter by the high-octane encounter. He wasn’t in complete control of himself yet and didn’t want to risk any further
words. Perhaps she was right - a cooling off period might do them both some good. He nodded once, sharply, before striding to the door to hold it open for her. The door to the Pack Room shut silently behind her, leaving him alone in the vastness of it.
Tasia walked down the stairs in a daze, echoes from their conversation stabbing at her as she made her way rather mechanically to her room. Not her room, she reminded herself fiercely. The room allocated to her temporarily while she resided at the Lair. Hawk waited for her, parked outside her door. He turned eagerly at the sound of her footsteps, only to falter at the expression in her eyes.
“Come” he said peremptorily. “Let’s go for a drive.”
Tasia shook her head mutely. There was much she needed to think about. This was no time for a joy ride.
“Listen to me this time” Hawk said forcefully, an urgency in his voice. “You need to clear your head, Tas. We can talk in the car” he added with a significant glance around the Lair.
Tasia followed Hawk out of the Lair to the parking lot that fronted it. She shivered suddenly in the night air.
“Damn” Hawk muttered. “Should have stopped to pick up your coat, Tas.”
He tended to forget such things since his high metabolism always kept him warm. Hawk helped her into the bright sporty car before slipping into the driver’s seat. He drove in silence while Tasia gazed blindly out the window. The lights from the city twinkled as they drove up towards Telegraph Hill. She’d walked this route before, Tasia realized, through a series of staircases up the hill that snaked through the gardens of the quaint and pretty houses built up on the steep hillside. The views on offer were some of the best in the city and the bay. During the day, ferns competed with bougainvillea in a riot of colors, amidst the splashes of brightly painted houses that shone through the fog the city was famous for. On the hill, the Coit Tower, beautifully lit up by lights at night, shone like a beacon as it presided over this beautiful city. The parking lot at the foot of the tower sat empty at this time of night as Hawk pulled his car into a spot. Before them sat the Bay Bridge, resplendent by the LEDs that lit it up like a thousand jewels twinkling in the night sky. She could see glimpses of the spectacular and well-lit new span of the bridge beyond Treasure Island. Tasia knew that if she got out of the car and walked a few paces to the other side of the tiny semi-circular parking lot, she’d get a beautiful view of the iconic Golden Gate Bridge rising mysteriously up through the fog. Although not as illuminated at night as the Bay Bridge, there was something majestic about the tall pylons that flashed dimly through the cloud and fog.
Tasia turned to Hawk, sensing his eyes on her.
“You could’ve chosen to trust me.”
“This has everything to do with trust.”
“Yes, you have, but just enough to save your own skin. You needed what I could provide and you made sure to tell me just enough to guarantee it. Nothing more and nothing less.”
“I should’ve left you to rot in the leech nest that night, instead of directing my Shifters to fight for you. Or perhaps, I should’ve walked away and let Franciszka have you, instead of jeopardizing the Pack’s relationship with the local leech Mistress to protect you”.
“I even broke my pledge for you that night when I confronted Anderson at the Registry.
And you believe that I did all this because I do not trust you, Tasia Armstrong!”
“Pray that you never have to face the consequences if I ever do stop trusting you, witchling! You wouldn’t last a day out there, not with Anderson and the leeches and Lord knows who else circling you.”
“I warn you, witchling! I will not offer you Pack protection for a third time. Make very sure that you think well and hard before you decide to turn your back on the Pack again.”
“Hawk” her lips quivered as her eyes filled with tears. “I messed up badly, Hawk.”
“No, Tasia. You haven’t” he made haste to reassure her. “You can fix it. We can fix it together.”
“No” Tasia cried out, the tears finally spilling over. “This cannot be set right. Even you cannot fix this” she wailed.
Hawk did the only thing he could. He placed his arms around her to hold her in a comforting hug. Tasia burrowed into his chest, holding on to him for dear life. Her tears continued to flow, wetting his tee shirt and seeping through to his skin. Hawk only held her tighter as she sobbed quietly in his arms.
“Tas, please” he pleaded eventually, the words wrung out of him. “Don’t cry! I can’t bear it.”
Tasia extricated herself to glance into his tortured eyes, the rawness of his voice managing to cut through her misery.
“Is it Alph?” he asked. “Did he frighten you like the last time?” Hawk had vivid memories of the last time that Tasia had walked away from the Pack. He hadn’t been able to stop her then and she’d ended up in Anderson’s clutches. Hawk was determined to make sure that that particular bit of history did not repeat itself again.
“No” she shook her head. This time the Alpha had been careful to keep his distance. There had been no invasion of her personal space to intimidate her, just biting words used to devastating effect on her. She had been the one in the wrong this time. She knew it. That was what devastated her so much. The Pack and its Alpha were not easy to live with or work with but she had not helped her cause at all, Tasia knew. She should have gone to him when her father’s name had first been brought up in Chicago. He was right about that. She could see why he felt so bitter and incensed by this evidence of her lack of trust despite all that he had done for her. It was shame, guilt and regret at the hurt Tasia sensed she’d caused by her thoughtless words that had reduced her to tears. “This time, I wronged him, Hawk” she hiccupped. “It is my fault.”
“Alph is very fair, Tasia. You said so yourself. Give him some time and he’ll come around.”
“I’m not so sure” the image of the self-controlled man spitting out caustic words coldly while the gold eyes glittered with the fury that raged within him was still fresh in her mind. “I said some unforgiveable things, Hawk” she said as fresh tears surged in her.
Hawk gazed at her in dismay, desperate to reassure her and fix this so that she would continue her association with the Pack. “If this is about his feelings regarding wizards …” he hesitated, his attitude uncertain. “It’s not my confidence to share but trust me, Tasia, Alph has very good reason for how he feels. I know that it feels like he’s unjustifiably hard on you sometimes but try to judge him on his actions and not the animosity … “
“I should’ve told him about my father when Jason first brought up his name” she interrupted him. “He’s right. No wonder, he’s so mad.”
Hawk paused to reflect on what she had said. “If he’s even peripherally involved with our investigation, then it puts Alph in an awkward position. That’s probably what pissed him off.”
“How do I fix this, Hawk?” her simple query suggested a naïve confidence in his wisdom.
It gave Hawk pause. “You’re not planning to walk away from us again, are you?”
The naked honesty in his query had her rushing to reassure him. “Not like this, Hawk. Never like this. Besides I promised to work with the Pack for three months.”
Hawk heaved a sigh of relief. The rest they could work out, he was confident.
“Talk to Alph. He’ll hear you out. Once he’s calmed down, he’ll be more receptive.”
“I feel horrible, Hawk” she confessed in a small voice. “I was very unfair to him.”
Hawk enveloped her in his arms again. “Don’t walk away again, Tasia” he muttered into her hair. “I cannot help you if you do. Both Sara and I need a Pack and it would tear me apart if I knew that you were in danger and I could not help you at all.”
Tasia hugged him back, struck anew by how easily he showed her affection. Shifters were solitary creatures, their limited social interactions restricted to their Pack. They tended to stay aloof and gestures of physical affection towards others were rare. Her stay at the
Lair had shown her that crowding a Shifter’s personal space or even a casual touch on one was more likely to be taken as a challenge than anything else.
“I don’t plan to walk away now, Hawk” she assured him. “Although your Alpha might decide that he’s had enough of me and kick me out.”
“Alph won’t do that” Hawk said with supreme confidence before disengaging gently from her.
He contemplated her tear-streaked face for a moment. “There’s something about you that calls to me, Tas. I can’t bear to see you in pain or unhappy. I don’t know if you feel it too” his words were raw and from the heart.
Tasia nodded. Hawk was the one person that she trusted over anyone else. She knew in her heart that no matter what the cost, Hawk would jump to her defense if he could. This past month, she’d gotten to know and understand the young Shifter. Beneath the good looks and supreme confidence beat a generous, loyal and pure heart.
“I think it was something forged the night we met each other” Hawk stated solemnly. “You took a leap of faith in releasing me from the cage and I took one in following your lead. My wolf knew that you meant him no harm – that you were only intent on help.”
Duncan looked up from his book as Hawk strode into the Pack Room, followed by a downcast Tasia. Hawk cast a glance at the Alpha’s Room, the door to which remained stubbornly shut.
“He in there?” he asked Duncan, pointing his thumb at the closed door.
Duncan nodded in his unhurried way. “Might not be the best time though, Hawk” he warned with a pointed glance. In a horrible snit, more like, he thought silently.
“Tasia wishes to speak to him” Hawk responded, gazing limpidly at his Were-Alpha.
A wry smile leapt into Duncan’s eyes at Hawk’s singular maneuver. So, Hawk would rather Duncan beard the lion in his cave than do it himself, the rascal. No doubt he thought that Duncan had a greater shot at success while Hawk himself was liable to get his head bitten off. Well, Raoul had had enough time to wallow in there. Certainly more than enough time for his temper to drain away; and to revert to his usual self-controlled self!
