Note to myself: never force a conversation when two people you care about are on bad terms.
Chapter 18
My legs were trembling on my way to university. Everybody in class was going to stare at me as if I was some kind of sociopath! Whenever there was gossip to talk about, the word soon got around. Maybe I should have turned back, retired to the apartment to hide under my covers…but I knew that wasn’t a sensible thing to do when the final exams were approaching. I needed to pass the year, now more than ever, to get away from all the people that keep ruining my reputation. That meant Chris, mostly. The others just spread the news like paperboys. Chris was the main supplier. I should have mentioned at the coffeehouse that he was the one who saw Kelly and Jim under the sheets together, but that would have put Sporty Spice in a sticky situation. She clearly was flustered by the story. Unlike Chris, I thought about other people, not just myself. (Well, yes, I had told Olivia… What can I say, I’m not perfect!)
As I walked through the narrow corridor on my way to Mr Hutchins’ classroom, I noticed my classmates standing a little further away. They were all peeking at me and whispering to one another as if to say “here she comes!” I felt terribly on the spot. Kelly was the only person looking down and avoiding eye contact. Olivia seemed both confused and sorry for me; Chris waved arrogantly, pleased to see that I had come to the class despite the mess he had put me in; Tommy looked worried – did he think I would spy on him too one day? – Jessica observed me as if I was a creepy and repulsive creature; and the others gawked persistently. How was I ever going to face them? At that instant, Mr Hutchins showed up behind me.
“Come on Miss Bell, walk faster!”
He overtook me and zipped to the classroom.
“No wasting time this morning!” he shouted to everyone. “There is much to do!”
They followed him into class while I dragged my feet behind them. Just before I stepped through the door, Jessica took my arm and whispered swiftly and firmly.
“You will never come to my parties again, you pervert!”
She walked away straight after and sat next to Chris. I couldn’t move. I was stuck in the doorway, appalled by that word. Pervert. Was that what it had come to? Was I now a freak to them? Did Olivia think that of me as well? I glimpsed at her, seeking for a friend to comfort me and get me out of this terrifying nightmare. She didn’t even look up. A warm tear fell down my left cheek. I wiped it immediately.
“Miss Bell, no dawdling!” said Mr Hutchins, already scribbling on the blackboard. “In or out?”
I couldn’t bear to face the classroom, it was all getting too much. I wanted to leave.
“Come sit with me,” Kelly suggested, out of the blue.
She smiled at me and took her bag off the chair next to her. Finally, a loving hand. Nobody moved their bags that were lying on the floor nor their feet that were in the way while I walked through the cramped rows with a heavy heart. I sighed with relief when I arrived at destination and thanked Kelly from the bottom of my heart.
I tried my best to concentrate on Mr Hutchins’ two-hour lesson. An odd student would turn around and glance at me from time to time, and some would whisper when the teacher turned his back to the class. Thankfully, nobody threw anything at me or insulted me like Jessica did. While writing down everything the teacher had marked on the blackboard, Kelly slid a note to my side of the table:
Thank you for not telling.
I felt the need to let her know my side of the story.
I didn’t open the door and I didn’t intend to. Chris did! It was him who told me about you and Jim.
Boy, it felt marvellous to get that off my chest! Kelly looked at me and I could see in her eyes that she was terrified. I wasn’t the kind of person to divulge such gossip – except to Olivia – but she knew Chris was capable of doing it without mercy for the entire university to know.
I am done for!
She seemed to dramatize a little bit.
What’s the big deal?
Many people have a one-night stand, and it can be quite enjoyable, from what I’ve heard. I couldn’t understand why she was so despairing and down. She slid a last note my way…
It was my first time.
That morning was a sudden impulse,
nothing romantic, nothing caring, nothing cherished.
And with a man who left the room the moment it was over.
I finally understood. There are no harder feelings to deal with than your own guilt and shame.
Chapter 19
Kelly and I spent the whole day side by side, in class and at break times. We got to know each other a little bit better and it lifted our spirits. She told me all about Jim and about the morning they spent together. She didn’t expect getting into to bed with him that day, but he had teased her so pleasantly throughout the party, flattering her football skills, racing with her in the swimming pool and telling her jokes all night, that she didn’t want his attention to go away. She had sex with him thinking it would make him stay and make him like her. When it was over, he didn’t even take the time to check she was alright.
“Did he know it was your first time?” I asked her.
“I didn’t tell him, but I think he guessed by my clumsiness and my nervousness that it was a big deal for me.”
Jim left the bedroom straight after and returned to the bar to scoff pancakes while Kelly lay in bed, feeling sore and lonely. I felt sorry for her. Although it didn’t last with the guy with whom I lost my virginity when I was seventeen, I had experienced that difficult step with someone devoted and who I regarded highly. I kept a lovely memory of that chapter of my life. She, on the other hand, hoped Jim would want to spend more time with her after going all the way. Instead, he had ignored her since Jessica’s party.
After sharing so much with me, I also confessed a couple of my troubles and concerns to Kelly – without going into many details though. It wasn’t reasonable to say too much about Chris’ behaviour; even I couldn’t get my head round it. I let her know his main evil features: provocative, untrustworthy, swindler and vandal. I mentioned that Olivia had stopped talking to me because of his unwelcome gossip regarding Geoffrey.
“So, you’re not going out with Geoffrey?” Kelly questioned.
“Ah… well… sort of,” I answered, still a little confused myself.
“You don’t sound sure about it!” she noticed.
“Yes, that’s my problem. I usually know when I want to go out with a man or not, but Geoffrey has always been a question mark. He makes me laugh, he’s talented, and we have kissed, but I still don’t…feel that it is right.”
“Why not?”
“There’s something about him… Something he's hiding.”
“What makes you say that?”
“One day he had an alarming attitude during a phone call. Something was definitely troubling him. It looked serious.”
“Sounds like the only way you’re going to find out what he’s hiding, is to ask him,” Kelly advised.
“I guess so,” I contemplated.
Thanks to Kelly’s company, I didn’t notice my classmates still gawking at me throughout the day. We walked home together after class and we looked forward to spending more time together at Uni after the weekend. When I arrived at the apartment, Hannah was sitting alone at the kitchen table, eating a ready-made meal. She didn’t seem to enjoy it and she forced herself to swallow her food at every mouthful. I prepared a couple of sandwiches and sat next to her. We didn’t talk about much to begin with, mostly about the weather that had become wet and humid, but after a while, she felt the need to mention Michael.
“He’s gone out with his mates tonight,” she said calmly. “Sorry about this morning…”
“I have never seen you two so upset,” I told her.
“He’s going to go to the ball with Rosana, a greedy promiscuous girl. She has been out with practically every man in the Art’s department and even with one or two teacher
s! I can’t stand her. Michael won’t listen to me.”
“I’m sure he’ll figure it out on his own sooner or later, don’t worry about that.”
“…I hope so… He’s a good man.”
She tried to hold back her tears but she couldn’t control herself any longer.
“What is the matter, Hannah?” I asked as I held her hand that remained motionless on the kitchen table.
She couldn’t speak at first, overwhelmed by her emotions and struggling to take a breath between her unstoppable weeping. I gave her a tissue and she trembled as she wiped her puffy eyes.
“You… you were right Mandy. I like him… It’s not fair that he’s going to the ball with her! I thought he would ask me, but he didn’t,” she finally said, exhausted.
I took her in my arms and tried to cheer her up. Her devastating grief revealed she had suppressed her feelings for Michael for much longer than just a couple of days. She held on tight to me as if to beg for an antidote to her pain.
“Why not tell him you like him, Hannah?” I asked simply.
She took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry Mandy, I lied to you at the shopping centre. We have a history, Michael and I.”
I was dying to find out what had happened between them.
“Please, don’t ask,” she told me, aware of my interest. “It's too painful to explain.”
Chapter 20
The sudden slamming of the front door woke me up like a shot. I opened my right eye and checked the time; it was half past midnight. I heard Michael’s steps as he made his way towards his bedroom. He closed the door behind him. I turned around in my bed hoping to fall straight back to sleep. After a short while, I heard him again, walking across the hallway then brushing his teeth in the bathroom that was situated right next to my bedroom. I tried to find a comfortable position on the mattress and put my quilt over my head. When I started to drift off to sleep, Michael flushed the loo, making an appallingly loud noise in the whole building. Yep, I was wide-awake by the time the toilet had finished filling up and I inevitably heard Michael return to his bedroom. Silence, at last! I rolled into a little ball, just like a foetus, yawned and breathed out heavily. I was getting nice and cosy under my sheets again when I caught the sound of Hannah’s squeaky bedroom door open. She had obviously been awoken by Michael’s arrival too. I heard her amble over to… Michael’s room. I sat up in my bed to check I wasn’t imagining things. Maybe Hannah just needed to go to the toilet… No, there was no doubt about it. She was definitely heading towards Michael’s door. Very quietly, she knocked three times. The doorknob turned and I heard Hannah whisper. Whatever she said, Michael seemed to agree and let her in. I stayed sitting in my bed for about ten minutes, waiting to hear Hannah return to her room. While doing so, I realised I was eavesdropping again, just like at Jessica’s party. I wasn’t proud of it, but this time it was for a good cause: a possible reconciliation between my two roommates. Twenty minutes later, I was still tossing and turning, and wondering what was going on between them. The worst part, was that I needed to go to the toilet! Do I dare go out there? I asked myself. I didn’t really have a choice, so I sneaked out into the little hallway and tiptoed to the restroom. I didn’t hear anything on my way there; maybe they were already fast asleep. After flushing the noisy flush and feeling bad for all our neighbours, I began to head back to bed. Still, not a single sound coming from Michael’s room, but his lights were still on. I could see them through the tiny gaps around the dodgy old frame of the door. What was going on in there? Were they whispering? Chatting? Fighting? Crying? Patching things up? Kissing? Surely they were doing something! Stop right there, I said to myself, DO NOT TURN INTO CHRIS! You are going to get back into bed, fall asleep and wake up tomorrow morning like nothing ever happened. DO NOT DO WHAT CHRIS DID! I followed my own orders and prevented my curiosity from taking over. Soon after, I fell asleep feeling happy with myself for acting reasonably. I didn’t want to have anything to do with Chris and I wanted to be nothing like him.
The next morning, I got up to the sound of breakfast being made in the kitchen and found Michael and Hannah preparing a big English brunch together.
“Morning!” I said, gently.
“Morning!” they replied one after the other, both with smiles on their faces.
“Do you want some bacon?” Michael proposed.
“…Yes, please.”
My roommates were helping each other and joking as they used to, as if their argument had never existed. Hannah seemed no longer troubled by her feelings or Rosana, and Michael was whistling away while cracking the eggs and stirring the baked beans. As soon as he left the kitchen for a few minutes, I seized the opportunity to ask Hannah what had happened between them.
“I asked him to go to the ball with me!” she told me with joy.
“Awesome! And he said...?”
“Yes!” she replied in a loud excited voice.
It made me happy to see Hannah in high spirits again. She was jumping around the kitchen like nobody’s business!
“And Rosana?” I asked.
“He sent her a text last night to cancel.”
“Great!”
I still couldn’t help but wonder what went on between them during the night…
“And then?”
“Then I went to bed,” said Hannah.
“You went to bed with him?”
“No, I slept in my bed,” she clarified, surprised by my question.
That wasn’t how I remembered their reconciliation. I hadn't heard her leave his room before I fell asleep.
“Did you talk about something else?”
I was aware that I was digging into something that was none of my business... I couldn't stop myself.
“No, I just asked him, then I returned to my room.”
Oh.
“What are you two chatting about?” Michael interrupted, entering the kitchen and putting a light jumper over his head.
“How many pieces of bacon do you want?” Hannah asked him.
“Two please,” he replied.
I sat at the table and watched them laugh and tease each other all morning. I was glad to see them get on and I didn’t ask Hannah any more questions. No matter what happened the night before, she was back on cloud nine.
Chapter 21
I became hysterical over the weekend. I sent dozens of messages, wrote five emails and made three phone calls in two days. All to speak to one single person: Olivia. Despite all my attempts to contact her, she remained silent and didn’t communicate with me in any way. Not even to say, “stop calling me”. I missed her dreadfully and I couldn’t stand the thought of her assuming I was some kind of pervert, just like Jessica did. I hoped she still had faith in me. There was so much I wanted to explain to her and so many events that had happened since our fall-out.
Over the course of the weekend, Geoffrey took me out for the first time. We went to the cinema; Jean-Luc Godard’s À bout de souffle was being shown during a special French New Wave exhibition at the local art museum. I would have enjoyed it if the people behind us hadn't kept moaning about Geoffrey’s frizzy hair; it got in their way every time he moved on his seat! Afterwards, he took me to a Fish and Chips restaurant. I ate far too many chips. I think Geoffrey hoped I was going to invite him inside once we arrived at the foot of my building at the end of our date, but I didn’t want to. I much rather wanted to check my inbox to see if Olivia had answered my emails, and I longed to spend a bit of time with my two roommates. Before returning to his workshop, Geoffrey and I had a prolonged French kiss and I told him I would come round to his place during the week. That was all I was willing to plan for the time being.
Michael and Hannah couldn’t resist asking how the date went and were delighted that I was going out with an artist. They suggested that we invite Geoffrey over for dinner one day. The thought of it didn’t excite me one bit...
“It’s too early,” I told them.
/> “It’s not like meeting your parents!” Michael commented. “He has already met us and we get along very well.”
“I know,” I answered, uneasy, “but I don’t want to make our relationship official yet. It was only the first date.”
“It’s not like you to be so shy…” said Hannah. “We met clingy Thomas and loud Alan, remember?”
Ah yes, Alan, the man who’s laugh was like a rooster crowing! Loud, sudden and triggered by the slightest thing, at any time of the day.
“Do you have someone else on your mind, Mandy?” Hannah continued.
Chris popped into my head at that instant. It was very disturbing. I pictured him asking me out in the ladies' room of the university’s shop. He seemed so serious and yet I couldn’t believe that he truly wanted to go out with me. I pretended nothing had happened and carried on answering my roommates’ interrogations.
“No, no one else. Just taking things slow.”
When we were done talking about Geoffrey and watching a light comedy that appeared on TV, I found myself alone in my room and wishing I had kept all my agendas to read the little comments Olivia had left on the pages during our years at college. Typical, isn’t it? I hadn't opened any of them for years, and once I had chucked them all away, I needed them to comfort me. As a substitute, I went through my photo albums: Olivia and I at the Mont-Saint-Michel during a school trip to France, Olivia and I wearing Mickey Mouse ears at Disneyland, Olivia and I taking selfies at Jessica’s parties, Olivia and I with fruity cocktails in our hands… I tried calling her one last time that Sunday evening, hoping she would answer the phone so that we could giggle for hours like we used to. She didn’t pick up. Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to give up. The next day, I was determined to speak to her at Uni.
To be loved Page 7
