“There’s the choice that we accept life didn’t give us what we wanted. I will not dishonor you by making you my mistress.”
“I don’t think it has aught to do with honor. I think you care more aboot her than you do me. You tupped her once, and now she’s bewitched you.”
“Don’t say that,” Padraig hissed. He looked around to see who could overhear them. Many of his clan were very superstitious, and if they believed Cairren was a witch, or any sort of heretic, they wouldn’t think twice before tying her to a stake.
“You’re protecting her. Why? I demand to ken why you care what happens to her. Wouldn’t that be for the best?” Padraig didn’t have to guess what she meant. Myrna had already thought of the consequences if the clan turned against Cairren. Padraig leaned forward, so they were eye-to-eye.
“Are you saying you want her killed?”
“What?” Myrna’s blue eyes widened, and she adamantly shook her head. “I’d never say that.”
“Then is that what you’re hinting at because that’s how it sounds?” Padraig straightened. He was out of patience, and he was struggling not to lose his temper at Myrna. “I need to leave before one of us says something we regret. I will find you before the evening meal.” Out of habit, he kissed her forehead before stepping around her.
Just as had happened that morning, all eyes watched the intimacy he shared with Myrna when he should have had more sense.
Chapter Fifteen
Cairren drew back the string on her bow as her eyes followed the buck they chased. She took a deep breath, holding it as she set her final sight, and exhaled as she released the arrow. It sailed through the air before landing through the deer’s heart. It staggered several steps before falling to the ground.
“Well done, my wee lassie,” Innes cheered as she rode pillion on his horse. He’d taught her to hunt from a moving horse when she was young, but it had been years since she’d tried it. She couldn’t believe she bagged the buck on her first try. Collette rode up alongside them with their guards following. Innes had spurred his horse into a gallop when Cairren pointed out the animal. She’d clung to her father’s waist until they drew near, then she nocked an arrow and squeezed her thighs to keep her from falling from the charging steed.
The Kennedys had decided to hunt, hoping that bringing back a catch would be a conciliatory action. Or at least they could say they tried. They dismounted and went to check Cairren’s kill. The animal lay with its eye open but unmoving. Cairren said a prayer of thanks that the animal hadn’t suffered. She enjoyed the challenge of hunting but always felt guilty afterwards. She preferred to shoot hay targets, but she’d relented when her father suggested that it might be a small act to smooth things over with her new clan. She doubted it, but she had a day left with her parents. She didn’t want to ruin it.
“Lady Cairren, you’ve done better than any of us could have,” a guardsman spoke up as six men walked past to retrieve the animal. It was a large buck that easily outweighed her, and its antlers were in perfect condition.
“That head should be a nice edition to their collection in the Great Hall. Perhaps you could present them to the laird and lady, ma petite fille,” Collette suggested. Cairren turned away but nodded. She walked back to her father’s horse and stood on the far side, so she didn’t have to see or hear the men preparing to move the animal. She knew they would dress the animal once they returned to the keep, so they needed only to get the buck’s hooves tied to sturdy branches to carry it back. Cairren mounted on the back of Innes’s horse once again, and the hunting party turned back toward the castle. They had to ride past the loch, and someone in the water caught Cairren’s attention. As if she had a sixth sense, she knew it was Padraig before they were close enough for her to make out his features. He stood in waist-deep water and watched as they approached.
“Do I stop, lass?” Innes whispered.
“I suppose we have to unless we want to be rude.”
“Would that be so bad?” Innes muttered. Cairren shrugged, but she knew her father couldn’t see. Innes slowed his horse to a walk until they drew near enough to talk to Padraig.
Padraig had just surfaced from gingerly dipping his head beneath the surface when he watched eight horses gallop past the far side of the loch. He’d known in an instant it was Cairren seated behind her father. He wondered why she wasn’t riding her own horse until he watched her pull something over her shoulder. From her movement, he knew she was preparing to shoot an arrow. It impressed him that she kept her seat without the use of her hands to hold on, but he didn’t expect the party to stop. He watched as all the Kennedys dismounted, but they were too far for him to tell what they were doing. He scrubbed his hair and body as he watched them talking. Then the guardsmen moved away from Cairren and her parents. He’d finished washing by the time the warriors emerged from the thicket carrying a deer large enough for Padraig to see it from a distance. They’d remounted and were galloping back to the keep before he could leave the loch without flashing all of them. He opted to remain in the water, and he was glad he did when his cock stirred.
Cairren’s hair had tumbled loose and tendrils danced in the wind as she held onto her father. Her cheeks were rosy, and she was smiling at they approached, but he knew the moment she recognized him. Her smile slipped as she sat straighter. Innes said something to her, and she shrugged. She didn’t look as pleased to see him as he felt about seeing her.
“How’s your nose, lad? I heard Cairren straightened it, and Myrna offered to kiss it better.” Innes’s penetrating eyes bored into Padraig. Padraig had no idea how Innes had heard about Myrna. Cairren had already left the Great Hall when Myrna made her salacious offer. Padraig’s gaze swept over the Kennedys, and two guards in particular looked ready to murder him. He understood without words that they’d been in the Great Hall and had either heard Myrna or overheard people repeating what she’d said. He glanced back at Cairren to see how she responded to her father’s words, but she was watching her father.
“I thank your daughter for tending to me. It feels much better already,” Padraig smiled at Cairren, but she studiously ignored him.
“Then I didn’t do a good enough job breaking it,” Innes growled. He twisted in his saddle and murmured to Cairren, but Padraig couldn’t make out what he said before the laird swung his leg over his horse’s withers and slid to the ground. “Take the ladies back to the keep. Prepare the animal and be sure Lady Cairren gets her prize.”
Innes walked to the edge of the loch and crossed his arms while he waited for his men to escort his wife and daughter back to the keep. Padraig walked out of the water and thanked Innes when he handed Padraig his plaid. The older man sized up the younger before taking a deep breath.
“You’ve made it clear in every way possible that not only do you love another woman, you will not give her up. So be it. There is naught I can do aboot it and neither can Cairren. My lass has accepted that you mean to make her your mistress rather than treat her as your wife. She’s come to terms with that far faster than I have, and it’s because she’s a better person than I am.”
Innes bent and picked up a rock. He rubbed his thumb along the flat side before skipping it along the surface of the water. He did it again before turning back to Padraig.
“I decided a year ago that since Cairren was an age to marry and would soon finish her expected service to the queen, I would find her a husband far from the strife and danger of the border. I considered taking her to France, but knowing she’d be so far from us broke her mother’s and my hearts. I don’t doubt you know you weren’t the first candidate. And I’m certain you’ve guessed a reason why none of the other prospects turned out. But what I doubt you know, what even Cairren doesn’t know—though I suppose I should have told her—is that I turned down the acceptances. Each clan was happy to take her dowry, but as I investigated more, I learned things aboot the men that might marry my daughter. I didn’t feel she would be safe with any of those other men. Their clans
might have accepted her, but the men themselves made me fear for her. You were the only mon I learned of who received praise from everyone I asked.”
Padraig didn’t know what to say. He’d made the assumption that Innes expected. He’d taken one look at Cairren once he got past the initial shock of her beauty and believed that every other clan rejected her because she looked too different.
“No one mentioned you were courting a Ross lass, perhaps it’s not well known. I don’t ken. But of those I asked, each and every one of them, swore you were honorable and would never hurt my daughter. They swore I could trust you with her, knowing I wouldn’t be close enough to come to her with haste. And now I’m set to leave in the morn, and I don’t ken if my daughter will survive her first night here without me.” Innes looked at Padraig, and he didn’t bother to hide the wetness in his eyes. “She’s a good lass. She’s bound to you now, and that can’t be easily undone. But if you doubt for even a moment that you can protect her, tell me now, and I will defy the king and take her home. If you cannot or will not honor her, then tell me before I leave her in your care. If aught happens to her, I don’t ken that my family could make it through. It would kill her mother and devastate her sister. I would lose all three of the most important people to ever enter my life. I don’t know that I would survive it.”
Innes’s honesty stunned Padraig. The bear of a man who’d spent all morning knocking him on his arse, then broke his nose, was wiping the mist from his eyes. Padraig looked toward the keep for a long moment before looking back at Innes.
“I can’t suddenly lie and promise that I will love your daughter. I believe I can grow fond of her, but my heart belongs to someone else. It has for years. I spent two years courting Myrna, and we planned to wed after Samhain. That’s less than two moons from now. But I swore to protect Cairren and to be faithful to her. I will not take Myrna or any other woman to my bed, but neither can I suddenly stop loving Myrna. I don’t ken what to do.” Padraig sighed. “That’s not true. I ken what I should do, but I’m discovering I’m more selfish than I imagined. I admit I’ve been trying to devise a way to keep both women here, to enjoy both of their company in their own way. But you pointed out what I realized myself this morning: I’m turning my wife into my mistress. I admit I desire Cairren in a way that I’ve never felt for a woman before. What passed between us last night was unlike aught I could imagine intimacy to be. But that doesn’t mean I love her, and it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop loving Myrna.” Padraig shook his head as he looked back at the keep. “I didn’t intend to hurt Cairren. Truly. Not like the others have. I just keep mucking everything up with her.”
Padraig looked at Innes, and he wished he hadn’t. The man wasn’t angry; he no longer appeared sad; he was nothing. It was almost like how Cairren drifted away when she felt trapped, but the look in Innes’s eyes was pity for a man he’d given up on. Innes shook his head and sighed.
“It’s time you stopped acting like a spoiled child and started being a mon. No one gets to have it all. You included.” Innes walked away, leaving Padraig alone once again.
Cairren climbed into her bed and stared at the ceiling in the dark. She’d presented the head and antlers to Micheil, and he’d stood speechless for a long moment before looking at Innes and laughing. He demanded to know who had really taken down the buck. The Kennedy guards were standing at her back as she made the presentation and explained that they gave the venison everyone ate that night in appreciation for the Munros hosting the wedding. Cairren sensed the disgust among the men as Micheil went along the line, asking each man in turn if he’d killed the deer. She’d stood with her back straight, as always, but she’d been most angry at Padraig for his cowardice. He knew she’d been the one to take the shot, the only one to take the shot. He could have spoken up on her behalf, but instead, he left her to stand in front of his clan to be ridiculed by his father. She hadn’t spared him a glance the entire night.
Cairren rolled onto her side and hugged the spare pillow to her chest. She’d fallen asleep the same way the night before, remembering how it had felt to wrap herself around Padraig. For the few hours they had together, she’d felt accepted and wanted. She’d fooled herself into thinking Padraig would do the right thing. Even if he didn’t give up Myrna entirely, that maybe he wouldn’t contribute to Cairren’s suffering. But it was less than a half hour after they left the bed where he’d introduced her to passion that she heard him with Myrna, then saw him holding her. She wasn’t even angry with him at that point. She was furious with herself for letting her guard down, for making a fool of herself.
When someone knocked, she assumed it was her mother coming to say goodnight one last time even though Collette had tucked Cairren in just as she had when Cairren was a child. She opened the door, expecting to see Collette. “Maman?”
“Nay, lass. It’s me.” Padraig stood in the passageway with his leine and plaid on but no boots or stockings. Cairren pushed the door to slam it in his face, but he caught it before it closed.
“Leave me alone, Padraig, I will scream this keep down.” Cairren turned away from him. “Close the door behind you.”
“I’m not leaving, Cairren.” At Padraig’s refusal, she spun around and opened her mouth to scream. “Wait! I want to have that talk. We haven’t come to a truce, and that’s my fault. I would set things to rights.”
“Set things to rights?” Cairren scoffed. “Get out.”
“Not until we’ve talked.”
“Talked? So you can make things all better between us so by morning you can—what did your man say—be tired from fucking me all night. Thank you. No. I decline.”
“That wasn’t why I came.”
“You are a useless liar. It is. You came hoping to straighten things out enough to appease me and then convince me to let you bed me. Mayhap you’d have the decency not to ask for it tonight, but you plan to fool me into letting you into my bed or getting me to go to yours.” Cairren crossed her arms but stepped toward Padraig. “Do you know what the most pathetic part of all of this is? Even knowing you want someone else, I’d bed you again. Every bluidy night because I enjoyed it, because I desire you and you desire me. But you’re too weak. You can’t balance everything, so you can’t have it all. As long as I’m putting my life at risk to roll around with you, you’re not worth it. You want to love Myrna, but you want to fuck me. I’m not the one trying to stop you from having what you want. I have no designs on trying to make you fall in love with me. I’ve never told you not to love Myrna. I only told you I wanted her to leave because I don’t feel safe. I encouraged you to visit her every day. I even said I don’t care if you bed her. I’ve been here three days, and there hasn’t been a moment outside of lying on your bed or leaving the keep with my parents when I haven’t feared for my safety. Myrna only fears not getting what she wants. You are naught more than a spoiled child in a mon’s body. You tout doing your duty, but you haven’t a clue what duty is. You want to play with your toys rather than lead by example. I wouldn’t follow you into battle. I wouldn’t even follow you to a chamber pot. Now get out.” Cairren pointed toward the door.
Padraig stood dumbfounded. Cairren was ready to spit nails, but she looked magnificent. Her silver-gray eyes glowed in the firelight that drew out the red and gold in her hair. She spoke calmly and with conviction, and she spoke the truth. Even as his body reacted as it always did, he saw the sense in what she said. He wondered if she had spoken to Innes and learned what he’d said that afternoon. Her words were so close to her father’s. He found himself nodding, but he didn’t know what to say in response. He wasn’t ready to leave. They had resolved nothing, and they needed to find a way to coexist. While he didn’t want their intimacy to end after one night, he accepted that it might. But he still needed to get Cairren to learn to live alongside Myrna because the latter once again refused to consider leaving. She’d brought up the topic of staying in front of his mother and father, and even though he’d argued it would be best for her
to return to Balnagown, his parents overruled him. A blind man could see what they were doing, but he was powerless to change their edict, and he needed Cairren to know that.
Padraig walked to one of the two chairs before the fireplace and sat. He looked back at Cairren to see if she would join him, but she shook her head. Instead, she went to stand by the door. He sighed but stretched his long legs out before him. He thought to wait her out, thinking she would eventually give up and join him, but the minutes drew out. He glanced back at Cairren, and she still stood with her arms crossed. He thought she might have given in to leaning against the wall, but she stood like a statue. He shook his head and sighed once more.
“I told Myrna she needed to leave when she brought up staying longer. She did it in front of my parents, and they disagreed with me. They said she is to stay. I would have taken her home, and I would have gone to visit her every day that my duties allowed.”
“And then returned every night to tup me.”
“Isn’t that what you said you want? You want her gone, but you also want me.”
“It’s the best I could hope for. But that’s all it is. Hope. And hope is often wasted.”
“Then how do we move forward? The three of us shall live under this roof until who knows when.”
“Why are you asking me? I’m not the problem in this little love triangle. I’ve accepted my role. It’s Myrna who can’t accept me. Bed me if you want, if you dare defy her. Don’t bed me if you can’t live with the consequences. One way or another, my parents leave at dawn, and I’m stuck here. Your clan loathes me, so whether we share a bed or not isn’t my most pressing concern.”
Padraig stood and walked toward Cairren. When she didn’t shy away, he cupped her jaw, tilting her head back to look into her eyes. “You’re being flippant and distant to cover how much you’re hurting. And I’m the cause of that hurt, directly and indirectly. I wish there was more that I could do to fix this, but the more I try to please everyone, the more displeased everyone is.”
An Enemy at the Highland Court: An Enemies to Lovers Highlander Romance (The Highland Ladies Book 5) Page 12
