by Meader, Kate
She shook her head. “Pot, have you had the pleasure of meeting kettle?”
He pulled her close and kissed her softly, then deeper. “Sadie.”
“You think that’s going to work to fob me off?”
“Kissing and orgasms as distraction from our problems? Oh, yeah.”
She chuckled, and he was so in love with her joy that he almost forgot why they were arguing. If he could only hold on to this, let it heal him without being pushed to talk about his pain. About Kelly. About Janie and Danny.
She traced a finger along his scar, then through his beard. “Will you text me when I move back to LA?”
His heart squeezed painfully. He didn’t want to think of a time when she was no longer around.
“Yes.” Because even though it had all changed, he wanted to talk to Angel again.
Something sad appeared in her eyes. She didn’t believe him, and he wondered if maybe she knew more than he did.
* * *
Sadie unfurled the fabric from the board and let the memories wash over her, swift and sharp.
Swedish love birds. Petals and vines. Years ago, she’d spotted a similar design in a shop window in Andersonville—Midsommar-chic without the human sacrifice— and bought five yards at Hancock Fabrics. Here it was, wrapped in plastic, as fresh as the day she purchased it. Except … she didn’t buy it.
Zoe gave it to her.
Sadie reached for the memory, the shape of it just out of reach. She’d liked the fabric but when Zoe gave it to her, it became tainted and she put it away. To accept it would be to accept her, Zoe, and her marriage to her father. Like a dream with its own strange rules and logic, her teen reasoning had made sense at the time. The evil stepmom stealing focus, bewitching her father, birthing the spawn that would replace her. Zoe had tried, but Sadie refused to give her a medal for that.
Focusing once more on the fabric, Sadie’s mind swirled with possibilities. Something or someone more demure, she thought. She snapped a photo and sent it to Jenny.
What do you think of this fabric? For your dress?
The answer came back fast. Love it!
Hmm, Sadie had sort of hoped she could keep it for herself. Two different designs with the same fabric perhaps? Or perhaps a dress for Lauren.
Gunnar was right about one thing. She was ignoring Lauren’s disrespect because she didn’t want to rock the boat. She wanted to talk to her sister, tell her she was sorry for not making more of an effort. But she didn’t want to speak ill of her mom or bad mouth their dad. She’d missed all these birthdays, holidays, special events, and now she had twelve years to make up.
No time like the present.
With the sewing basket she’d dug up from her belongings (why didn’t you burn everything, Zoe?), she headed downstairs to the Dead-Tree Room, aka the living room. Man, that tree was a mess, and if she wasn’t such a coward she’d drag it out to the backyard now.
She glanced out the recently-installed window—a serious blow to her finances—and watched Gunnar putting his boot down on a pitch fork in the flower beds. He’d dived into yard work, not that she’d asked, but he said he liked keeping busy. Sure thing, Viking. Anything to avoid talking about your feelings.
A patch of sweat had dampened his T-shirt and molded it to those amazing back muscles. He wore faded jeans today, maybe an old pair he dug out for work like this. They looked amazing on him.
Lauren was kneeling in the grass nearby, readying a pallet of pansies for planting. Sadie wasn’t sure they should be putting this much effort into a property they wouldn’t see a dime on, but watching the two of them together did such good things for her heart. Gunnar looked up then, and that smile … oh, boy. He must have said something to Lauren because ten seconds later, she gave a tentative wave. Sadie waved back like a lunatic.
She turned back to the sofa and tidied up as best she could without looking like she’d been snooping—which was really hard to do! She knew so little about her sister. She liked art, but what kind? She played hockey, but did she have ambitions in that direction? She missed her mom, but what had their relationship really been like? She loved her dad, but … That’s where Sadie’s brain switched off. Where the envy took over. Where she became the person she didn’t want to be. The bitter, resentful sister.
Benny/Iggy was here, thank God. Beggy? Biggy? Beniggi? Well, he was Iggy now. Iggy who could do with some TLC and would gladly let her care for him. She took a swatch of bright red from her basket, a sheened polyester that would launder well (Iggy could do with a wash), and chalked out a heart shape. A steady cut and several hidden stitches later, and Iggy had emerged as good as new from heart transplant surgery. She placed him in the recovery room (on the sofa against a cushion) and let him take it all in.
“You’re going to be just fine, Iggy.”
Her phone rang with a call from … Oh, shit … Allegra!
She answered. “Allegra, I’m working on—”
“Where is it, Sadie? 3 p.m. That’s when people expect my daily videos. You’re supposed to just, whatever, schedule it!”
“Right, I know. I haven’t forgotten, I’m running a little behind.” She’d yet to actually edit it. It was usually the first thing she worked on after dropping off Lauren at camp but today being Sunday, and having a hot guy in her bed, all bets were off.
“Do I need to start looking for someone else, Sadie? Someone who understands the commitment level I need here. One hundred and ten percent …” When Sadie didn’t finish, Allegra screamed, “Because one hundred isn’t enough!”
“Right. I get that. I do.”
Allegra was on a self-righteous roll. “And I’ve been helping you with my contacts, Sadie. I have to say, it feels like you’re taking advantage. Have I not been understanding?”
“You have.”
“Have I not gone above and beyond as a boss?”
“Yes—”
“There are a million people who would want this job but I’ve been exceptionally gracious about your situation. Ramon said this would happen. That all that negative energy with your father’s legal problems would come back to haunt me. You know what that negativity leads to, don’t you?”
“Um—”
“Toxic. Punani,” Allegra bit out. “If that kind of bad energy infiltrates my chakra and descends into my core, I may as well say good bye to my health, my sex life, my business. I need to call Sienna to see if she can fit me in for a hot yoga session. I have to purge this. And when I come out, I’d better see that video online.”
Sadie swallowed. “You will, I promise. I will work on it now.”
Allegra hung up and Sadie flopped on the sofa. She needed to get it together. She had no money, no prospects, a sister to feed, clothe, and educate, and a life in shambles. The orgasms, while wonderful, did not pay the bills.
“What the hell did you do with Iggy?”
Oh, rats. She looked up at her sister’s wounded expression.
“His heart was falling apart, so I thought I’d give him a refresh.”
“You had no right to touch him!” She scanned the sofa. “And have you been in my stuff?”
“I only tidied up, that’s all.” For God’s sake, it was a health hazard. “I haven’t changed anything. It’s all here. And Iggy, well, he used to be mine. I gave him to you years ago. Before I left.”
Lauren’s eyes filled with tears. “No, you did not. My mom gave him to me. And now you’ve ruined him, like you ruin everything.”
“Lauren—”
But she was gone. Four more years of this? Sadie wasn’t sure she could do it.
28
A new week, a new advanced hockey skills session. Gunnar slid into the slot next to Theo’s in the parking lot and readied himself for the inevitable questions.
“Hey guys!” Theo high-fived Jason, then Lauren as they exited Gunnar’s car. “New driver this morning?”
“He’s sleeping with my sister,” Lauren said. Jason snickered, Theo went wide-eyed, and here we
are.
Gunnar grabbed Lauren’s gym bag though really he should let the little blabbermouth carry it herself.
“Really?” Theo was agog, as if he’d completely forgotten his “encouragement” of three days ago.
Lauren shrugged and muttered to Jason, “Come on.”
Theo took Jason’s bag from him. “Go on ahead so I can talk to your uncle Gunnar.”
While the kids walked on, Gunnar shut the trunk of the car.
Theo shook his head. “I give you a condom and you already have your feet under the table. Nice work.”
“I stayed over because someone’s giving them hassle. Property damage, threatening letters.”
“Because of their jailbird dad?”
“Yeah, he pissed off a lot of people.” He took a few steps, then stopped and turned to Theo. “I like Sadie. But there isn’t anything more to it.”
“Okay.”
Theo sounded neutral but Gunnar didn’t believe him because Theo wouldn’t know neutral if he was wrapped in the Swiss flag.
“She knows the score,” he insisted. Even if she was trying to get him to open up, a pointless exercise. He didn’t need anyone to psychoanalyze him. He was already in a relationship with the family he lost, and what he was doing for Sadie and Lauren was what any decent human being would do. Nothing special about it.
“I’ll tell Aurora to put you guys in separate rooms. So there’s no confusion.”
“What?”
Theo’s grin was big enough to fuel the Rebels’ rink lights. “For the weekend in the Tuck? Jenny invited Sadie and Lauren to see Cats this Saturday. Well, I told her she could bring whoever she wanted and I sort of had an idea that she’d invite Sadie because they’re all buddy-buddy now, which is good for Jenny because I think she’s a bit lonely with the stay-at-home-mom thing. And Nick being Nick, y’know. So Sadie and Lauren will be there because the more the merrier, right?”
“You’re such a fucker, Kershaw.”
They reached the entrance to the Rebels’ practice facility and Theo opened the door. “After you, G-man.”
“I don’t mind. Because if she wasn’t going, I probably would have stayed in Chicago and not come at all.”
“Sounds like it worked out, then.”
Gunnar shook his head. “Be prepared for me to shut down every one of your dumbass ideas for Hunt’s bachelor party.”
“About that, I’ve been thinking of maybe skydiving? Or axe-throwing?”
Gunnar walked on ahead, cursing Theo and team dynamics and the social contracts that required him to participate while Kershaw yammered on without taking a breath.
* * *
Driving down to Saugatuck (or up, according to Gunnar) was a strange affair. Lauren was still mad about Iggy’s heart transplant and wanted to go with Jason and Sean, so Gunnar and Sadie were alone for two hours—two hours she filled with calls to and on behalf of Allegra, bickering over the music choices, and sneaky efforts to get Gunnar to talk.
It wasn’t awkward, though. Whenever Sadie hit on a topic Gunnar didn’t want to discuss, he’d raise that famous eyebrow, she’d roll her eyes in response, and he’d smile to soothe her ruffled feathers. The man was good at diffusing and deflecting. He didn’t get mad, he got quiet.
An hour in, she tried another tack. Twenty questions, or more like a hundred, about favorite movies (The Dirty Dozen for him, Back to the Future, Part 3 for her), last binge watch (Babylon Berlin and 30 Rock respectively), and desert island keepers. All very surface, until Sadie asked about his childhood.
“Are you close to your brother?”
“I am—well, used to be. He’s a ski instructor in Maine, followed in my mom’s footsteps. She was a champion skier.”
She played it like she hadn’t read every scrap of knowledge she could find about him on Google. “Cool, cool.”
“Yeah. Met my dad at the Sarajevo Olympics in ’84. He stole her medal.”
“Is that a euphemism?”
The corner of his mouth kicked up in that way she loved. The why-you-making-me-do-it smile. “Nope. They hooked up in the Village and the morning after, he took her gold medal for the downhill slalom, then left her clues to track it down.”
“A treasure hunt? For her own medal?”
“Yeah, kind of an asshole move now that I think of it. She thought it was romantic.” His mouth twitched. “We grew up in Maine because that’s where Dad was from, but once Kurt and I were in college, they moved to Finland to be with Mummo and Papa, my grandparents.”
She had a million more questions but let a pause take over. Gunnar spoke again, this time quietly.
“My brother has two boys and a girl, eight, and six, and four, with another one on the way. They’re great kids but I don’t see them much. Kurt’s a bit of a clucker.”
“Clucker?”
“A mother hen. He worries a lot.”
“Nothing wrong with a little worry.” She slid him a look. “Why else would you be insisting on playing Kevin to my Whitney, if not for concern? Mother clucker.”
That made him laugh. “Think you’ve figured me out, huh?”
“Not at all. You’re not exactly indecipherable, but a little mystery keeps it interesting.”
He frowned. “And there I was thinking you wanted to know all my secrets.”
“Why? Because I asked you to tell me about your wife?”
“I suppose.” Slight bafflement colored his tone. “I don’t want you to think you have to be my healer, Sadie. That’s the kind of emotional labor I shouldn’t burden you, or anyone, with.”
“That’s considerate of you.” She hadn’t intended it to sound snarky, but he sent her a quick, assessing look anyway, checking for sarcasm. “I mean it,” she insisted. “I don’t have the bandwidth to worry about your problems as well as my own, and not much point when I’ll be out of your hair soon.”
He remained silent for a few minutes. “Why do you put up with that woman in LA?”
She burst out laughing. “Really? Thought we were on a nothing deep basis?”
“How deep can it get with this chick and her punani?”
“Oh, pretty deep. It’s what makes the world go round, mister.”
He reached out and squeezed her thigh. “I can listen. It’s just bitching about your boss, right?”
“You first. Hit me with your office politics and who stole whose lunch out of the Rebels’ lounge fridge.”
He groaned but it was half-hearted. “Okay. So, I was pretty pissed that Coach didn’t put me on sooner than the playoffs this past season. They wanted to ease me in when really the ice would be the best place for me. It’s where I could give it my all. Prove myself.”
“What do you have to prove?”
“That I still have what it takes. That a couple of years off has only made me hungrier. That I’m not defined by my mistakes. Why bring a guy on, a former captain of an NHL team, a center with more experience than half the players on this team, if you’re not going to use him?”
My mistakes. Did he mean professional or personal?
“Did you play well when you made it on?”
“I thought so. Petrov and Burnett thought so. Anyway, I guess part of the reason why I agreed to help with the hockey camp was so I’d look like a team player. Show the powers that be I can step up when asked. I haven’t always been the best at mixing. I married young and I liked it. I liked the company of one person more than anyone else, then the company of a couple more little ones.” He inhaled a deep breath. Sadie held one of her own. “Team dynamics are a lot to manage when you’re an introvert. But on the ice, I get out of my head and put it all out there. Not even sure what I’m trying to say here.”
Neither was Sadie, but she liked this version of Gunnar. Sort of like texting, stream-of-consciousness Gunnar when he wasn’t thinking too much and just letting it out.
“Starting over with a new crew can be tough,” Sadie said, “especially when you come into the middle of it. It’s like you entered a co
nversation halfway through.”
“Yeah, some people are more adept than others. You seem to have a good handle on it. Being thrown into the deep end.”
“Adapt to survive. Sometimes it’s the only way. I felt pretty alone when I was a kid, with my parents always fighting and heading for divorce when my mother died. My dad—he didn’t like being left with the reminder of his unfaithful wife. I look like her, you see. So when Lauren came along, it was his chance to get it right. A do over. And when I moved to LA, it was my chance to start afresh.”
“And you’ve done that. Made your way.”
Had she? She thought she was doing it, plugging away at a life, accepting scraps while trying to build something. But all the while, she was afraid. Of not being enough for her father, Lauren, Allegra, the world, and this man beside her.
“I’m trying. Every day, I try to figure out how to adapt, which decisions will shape this life I’m striving for. We can do it incrementally or we can smash it to pieces and start over.” Obviously she was a fan of the baby steps approach. “While you were away from hockey, you were sort of hibernating. It can take a while to figure out how you fit into a world that went on without you. You have to play catch up. You can do it incrementally or overthrow the status quo in one fell swoop.”
“You sound like Moretti.”
“Who?”
“Dante Moretti, Rebels GM. He said something like that once, how I’ve been existing in this frozen state, avoiding change and confrontation and conflict because it’s easier. That I’ll need to take a chance or stay still, I suppose.”
This Moretti guy had the right idea. “Sounds like a smart fella.”
“Oh, he’d agree with you there.”
* * *
Saugatuck was a pretty lakeside town, a former artists’ colony, with a lazy, summer vibe. It reminded Sadie of Carpinteria or Laguna Beach, and made her homesick a hundred times over. Sadie and Gunnar pulled into the drive of a low-slung ranch style house at the same time as Theo and Elle. Three gray-haired women stood on the porch, dressed in pink jackets.
