It seemed to take forever.
Perhaps I should have lied, but I liked being me. For such a long time I had needed to pretend to be something else just to fit in and avoid notice and despite that, it seemed I hadn’t succeeded. Not going by the information that Smythe had shown he possessed in the bunker.
If not for the apocalypse, it may well have been that I would have been arrested and my family would have known the truth anyway.
“How could you do it?” Evelyn asked and I gave a half-shrug.
“Easily enough. He meant nothing to me.”
“Do we?”
I considered that, studying my sister and the weeping form of my mother as I searched for something inside of me that said they mattered. Since meeting Lily I had found that I could feel things for other people. She and my friends were a testament to that.
When Pat had died, I had felt grief which had manifested as murderous anger, admittedly, but it was still grief. I knew that now. I had felt much the same when I thought Lily was lost to me. I was genuinely glad when I had found Gregg and Cass once more.
Lily, well, I loved her. I could admit that, even though I was not entirely sure of what that even meant. I still knew it to be true. As for the children she carried. Our children. There was a feeling inside of me that I had never realised I could feel.
It was hope.
Hope that my children would not be like me. That they would not struggle as I had. That they would be better people, able to fit into the world in a way I could not. To do that, they would need things that I could not supply.
They would need their mother and our friends. They would need grandparents, an aunt and cousins. People who could take up the slack and provide everything I could not because I was not built like everyone else.
That made my answer simple and the truth.
“Yes.”
Though maybe not for the reasons they wanted.
“I-I’m not so sure I can forgive this sin,” my mother said, and I shrugged. So be it. “I will need time.”
“Sure. Take whatever time you need.” Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too long. I had things to do. “Anything else?”
“We know Lily is pregnant,” Evelyn said and I shrugged once more. I didn’t think it was a secret. “Do you understand what that means?”
“She’ll have babies?”
“No! that there’ll be two lives in this world utterly dependent on you and her. Do you think you can even love them?”
“They will be mine,” I said, slowly. “I shall kill anyone who threatens them. I’ll make this world safe for them to live in.”
“You’ll kill for them, sure,” Evelyn said with a sneer. “That would be easy enough for you. Could you die for them though?”
Well, that was an interesting question and one that would require some consideration. I couldn’t say I would die for anyone. Not intentionally at least. I would fight and kill for them and if I died, well, that wouldn’t matter so much to me because I’d be dead.
She was talking of something else though. I was sure of that. She was speaking of sacrifice. That was something entirely different.
“Yeah, I thought so.”
There was no mistaking the sneer in her voice and I sat in silent thought for some time as she comforted my mother. There was much about the pregnancy that had given me pause. There was no denying I was not the sort of person that came to mind when you thought of potential fathers, but I was not worried.
I wasn’t sure why. In fact, I was pretty sure that I should be worried. I was a poor excuse for a person and with children to teach, to guide, I would likely be an abject failure. My moral and ethical compasses were way off the mark, after all.
My view of the world was skewed, I knew that. It wasn’t normal and while it could be debated that just because it was different, it wasn’t any less valid, the general horror at the casual ease with which I took life and more so at the enjoyment it brought me, was enough to make me suspect my view of the world wasn’t the right one.
I was an aberration. A throwback to an earlier time when humanity needed to be as I was to survive. No one would deny I wasn’t thriving in the apocalypse because it was exactly the kind of environment for someone like me.
What came after though? I wouldn’t fit in and I knew that. The best I could hope for would be an exile of sorts, away from the Living, where I couldn’t hurt them. Away from my children.
Perhaps that was the sacrifice I could make for them. Create a world that they could live in and I could not. Then remove myself from it and them to give them the best chance of succeeding in that new world. Of thriving.
To do that they would definitely need their family.
“Yes,” I said, so softly I wasn’t sure I could be heard. “I can and I will.”
Evelyn looked over at me, arms still wrapped around our mother as she wept. Her own eyes were red and tears streaked her cheeks. She stared at me for what seemed a long time before she nodded once.
“Perhaps you will.”
Chapter 4
He lifted his shirt over his head and I couldn’t help the wince I made as I saw his back. The stitches seemed to pull with every movement and it seemed there was little there but scar tissue. Low on his side was the puckered scar where the bullet had gone through him.
Whenever I had mentioned it, he just commented that it was a flesh wound. The bullet had gone straight through, after all, and it had done little damage. Even so, I couldn’t help the worry that brought.
“I have to see your mum today.”
He turned his head just enough that he could see me from the corner of his eye and he grinned that infuriating grin of his. It was pure mischief and mockery. He wore it to annoy people or when he was genuinely amused by someone else having to deal with an issue he had created.
His laughter rang out as he ducked the pillow I threw at him in response and he skipped aside as I reached for another. He threw his hands into the air, smile genuine.
“I surrender. No more.”
My arm lowered, a little, and I scowled at him. “Did you have to tell her?”
“Probably not.” He waved his hands as I raised my arm once more. “Now, now. If I hadn’t she wouldn’t have believed me anyway. Not with Evelyn whispering in her ear.”
“True enough, I suppose.”
Whether it was true or not, it left a problem that I would need to smooth over. I needed Evie to stay on the island and eventually move across to the Isle of Man. If they decided to leave to get away from Ryan, that was a problem.
“How’s the invasion going?”
I pushed myself up to a sitting position, realising that I wasn’t going to have the option to go back to sleep any time soon.
“I spoke with the Admiral yesterday evening. They have secured the three landing zones and established their beachhead. Work’s ongoing to secure those places before they transfer their supplies from the ships.”
“How long before they head inland?”
“Another day, at least. Perhaps two.”
He nodded and pulled on his jeans, gaze distant as his thoughts were clearly elsewhere. I knew what he was thinking and while I’d agreed to him being first off the boat with his acolytes, I would draw the line at him taking much more of a part than that.
“No,” I said and he blinked, mind dragged back to the present.
“What?”
“I don’t want you to go. I know I can’t stop you, not really, but I don’t want you to go. You are barely healing as it is.”
“You know I’m fine. I’ve had a couple of weeks to recover now.”
“No! You nearly died! Don’t dare try to say you didn’t.”
The corner of his mouth turned up in a smile and I refused to be drawn in. He was not going to charm his way out of it.
“I didn’t die. I came home, as I promised I would. I don’t break my promises.”
“Then promise you won’t go and fight on the Isle of Man!”
&nbs
p; He blinked at that and his smile vanished, a coldness entering his eyes that I had seen before. A shiver ran through me. He would never hurt me, I knew that, but that look was the look of the killer and it scared me a little sometimes.
I always feared the killer would remain and the man wouldn’t come back.
Then it was gone, as quickly as it had arrived and I shivered again as he smiled and approached the bed. He settled himself onto it and took my hand in his, which surprised me more than a little. He wasn’t one for such gestures.
“I swore that I wouldn’t lie to you and I would always keep my promises. I won’t make one that I don’t intend to keep.”
“Dammit, Ryan!” I pulled my hand from his and folded my arms across my chest. He didn’t look away from my glare nor did his smile slip. “Please. I need you here. I can’t lose you. I know it’s irrational of me, but you almost didn’t come back to me.”
“True. But there are going to be times when I need to go and do things that will be dangerous. Things I need to do to protect you.” He reached out and touched my stomach lightly, his smile growing slightly. “And our children. I will do what I need to do, no matter the danger, to make sure you all survive.”
I looked away, refusing to let him see the tears in my eyes. The crazy thing was that he was right. More than that, if I stopped him doing what he needed to do, he would resent the hell out of me. I was being more than unreasonable.
“Sorry,” I said and his arm slipped around my waist as he pulled me close.
He smelt of the soap he had used to wash and beneath it, there was that odour that was all him. Something about it had my heart beating faster and set fire to my blood. I turned my head, my lips meeting his and for a little while, I lost myself in him, in us.
Later, as he dressed once again, I watched him and pressed my hand to my stomach. He was the father of our children and I just wanted him to be there when they were born. It wasn’t too much to ask.
“When do you go?”
He glanced back at me, eyebrows rising. “A few days yet.”
I nodded my head and tried to hide the worry I felt. It was weird since I had never really worried about him not coming home. Not really. I had worried, sure. It was only natural when someone you loved was in danger.
But at the same time, I’d always known he would be back. He’d be safe. Something had changed though and whether it was the pregnancy or the fact that he had very nearly died, I couldn’t stop worrying.
It was irrational, I knew that. At the same time, I couldn’t stop. Even though there was a small voice in the back of my mind telling me that if I pushed too hard he would just leave and not bother coming back.
“What are we going to do about these Genpact people?”
That had infuriated me when he had finally been able to tell me everything that had happened. The architects of the end of the world and they had bunkers set up around the globe. I knew that they wouldn’t want to share the world with us and it was just one more thing to worry about.
“I’ll kill them,” he said without any real emotion in his voice, as though he were speaking of a chore that needed to be done.
“Just like that, huh?”
“Sure. I know the location of their base in England. Once the Isle of Man is secure and people are moved over there, I’ll go looking.”
He’d leave again. That’s what he was saying. He’d leave and put himself in danger while I was stuck governing a people who hated me.
“What are you going to do about, Wells?” he asked and it was my turn to be surprised.
That was an awkward question. We’d not got a court system set up so it wasn’t like I could have a trial. I couldn’t just execute him since I had already done that to two other people and had soon realised that wasn’t the way to do things.
But, at the same time, he was sitting in the basement of the very sports centre where I slept and while he lived, he was a threat. But, at the same time, if he were dealt with in the wrong way he could become a martyr.
“I don’t know.” I arched one brow at him and grinned. “What would you do?”
“Enlist him into the CDF.” That was a surprise and I was sure it showed on my face as he grinned. “You can’t just kill him, but enlist him and put him on the front lines. Send him into battle first and make sure he doesn’t survive it.”
Ah, I thought, that was more like him.
“Not sure that would work, my love.”
“Either that or agree that I can just go down there and slit his throat.”
“That definitely wouldn’t work.”
He laughed and buckled on his belt, positioning the two knives so that there was one on each hip.
“When does Samuel get back?”
“Due in tomorrow,” I said. “He found quite a haul of food and supplies at the bunker and has a small convoy of trucks bringing it back. The boats should be loaded today and they will head straight here.”
“Good. Charlie has located some other potential targets. I’ll have him start sending more groups out to locate them.”
“Whatever we can get will help,” I said. “Though until we have the island secure I’m going to keep everyone on half rations. Perhaps even till we get the first crops planted.”
“I get that. Too much can go wrong.”
“Yeah, I doubt many on the island will though.”
Jinx whined and I looked over at her. She lay on the end of the bed, ears pricked as she looked at the door. A moment later, a knock sounded. Ryan crossed the room and pulled it open, secure in the knowledge that there would be no danger. Not with the Dead standing guard.
“Sister,” he said, a hint of surprise in his voice. “What do you want?”
“Ryan!” I said, shaking my head. “Be nice and invite her in.”
I threw aside the covers as Evie walked in and she waved me back. “Please, don’t get up for me.”
“Need to start getting ready anyway,” I said with a smile. “Got a long day. What brings you here?”
“You wanted to meet with me and I thought I could kill two birds with one stone.”
Which sounded ominous. I very much hoped she wasn’t going to announce her imminent departure from the island.
“Very well, please, take a seat.”
I gestured at the sole chair in the room that was beside the desk and she settled into it. She looked tired, her eyes red-rimmed and her skin pale, as though she had been up much of the night. She glanced at her brother and my heart sank a little as I prepared to hear her out.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Ryan said and Evie raised her hand.
“No. I need to speak with you too.”
Ryan seemed a little surprised at that but he shrugged and sat on the edge of the bed with as much patience as he could muster. Jinx pulled herself across the bed to rest her head in his lap and he scratched behind her ears.
“Mum’s upset.”
“Understandable,” I said. “If there’s anything I can do…”
“No. She’ll be fine in time. It’s going to take an adjustment but she loves him.” She inclined her head towards Ryan when she said that. “It won’t be easy for her but if there’s anything my parents know, it’s how to forgive.”
“I’m sorry,” I said and she nodded her thanks for that.
“Dad won’t understand. His health’s been getting worse lately. After Gabriel was, was… killed.” She swallowed then and looked away for a moment before continuing. “Anyway, he took it hard.”
Ryan was unmoved by her distress. I could see it in his face and how he held himself. He was simply bored and waiting for her to get to the point. Once again, I had to ask myself how I could have fallen in love with a man with so little empathy for others.
More than that, what sort of father would he make?
“We’ll not tell him,” I said and nudged Ryan with my foot. “Right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Good. Thank you.” She paused and looked direc
tly at Ryan. “I can’t forgive you. Not yet. I want you to stay away from me and my son.”
“Okay.”
Just that. No argument or protest. Just a single word response to his sister effectively cutting him off from her and his nephew.
“I’d like to remain here,” she continued and I breathed a little sigh of relief. “And I want to be here for you, Lily.”
“You’re welcome to stay. We have thousands of people who could use your help and I want these babies to know you and all of their family.”
Evie nodded and swallowed again as though fighting some strong emotion that was no doubt related to her feelings for Ryan just then.
“Let me know when you will be around and I shall be absent,” Ryan said.
“I would appreciate that. Mum will reach out in her own time. Till then, I want you to stay away from us all.”
“Fine.”
She shook her head and pursed her lips, eyes shining. “We really mean nothing to you don’t we?”
My heart ached for the pain in her voice. It was clear that despite everything that had happened and all that she knew about Ryan, she still loved him. He was her brother and that was a bond that it seemed she couldn’t break.
Ryan didn’t answer just looked back at me and smiled. “We done?” I nodded and he rose to his feet, heading towards the door. Jinx rose and moved to follow but he looked at her once and said, “protect.”
That was it. Jinx settled back down on the end of our bed and he left without a word. Evie watched him leave and then turned back to me.
The floodgates opened and she began to weep for both the brothers she had lost.
Chapter 5
Gregg was waiting for me at the end of the hallway and I greeted him with a nod. He scratched at the scars below his eyepatch and tilted his head towards the door.
“Problem?”
“No.”
He seemed to accept that and fell in beside me as I made my way through the cavernous halls of the sports centre. My footsteps echoed on the polished floor, those vast rooms empty of all but a few black-garbed minions.
Killing the Dead Season 3 Box Set | Books 13-18 Page 54
