‘This is Kate, my little sister. Who has apparently lost the power of rational thought in your company.’
‘Hi, Kate, it’s nice to finally meet you.’ Daniel flashed her another smile and Kate snorted out a laugh.
‘Okay, well, I’m going to be heading back upstairs then, sorry to interrupt.’ She practically ran back up the stairs, tripping on the top step and laughing the whole way.
‘That was my sister. Usually a level headed expert in finance, capable of dealing with multi-million pound businesses. In your presence, however, she’s reduced to a giggling idiot.’
‘She seems very nice.’
‘She is.’ I didn’t know what else to say; Kate’s interruption had thrown me.
‘Well, I guess I should be going,’ said Daniel, after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence.
‘Oh, right, okay, then. Well, it was nice to see you. Let me know when you want help with those lines.’
‘I will. It was good to see you again.’ He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. ‘Bye, Evie.’ I watched as he walked to the door and out into the cold December air.
Twenty-Seven
‘And he just walked away, just like that?’ My sister was still asking me the same questions she had done for the past week.
‘Yes.’
‘And you haven’t heard from him since?’
‘You know I haven’t because you’ve been here with me for the entire time. If I’d heard from him, believe me, you’d know.’
‘Heard from who?’ Grace squeezed by me in the hallway, dragging her suitcase behind her.
‘No one. Grace, you’re going to have to just dump your bag anywhere for now. You’re on the sofa in the living room.’
‘I’m going to shove it in the cupboard under the stairs,’ she said.
‘Great. There’s a lot of us so we’re all just making do.’
My daughter had just arrived, a day late as I’d predicted, but I was fine about that. Sam and Natasha had arrived two days before and had made themselves scarce every day, walking around the village, driving to the shops to pick up all the things I’d forgotten to get for Christmas dinner. They’d been a huge help. I was pretty sure that Grace was going to create more chaos rather than less, but it didn’t matter. Rachel and Sean were due any minute, both my kids were here, and so was my sister. I had everyone who was important to me all under one roof for Christmas. I tried to ignore the little voice in the back of my head that kept harping on about who was missing. Ever since his surprise visit to the shop, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Daniel. How was he doing? What was he doing?
‘I don’t know why you don’t get in touch with him, tell him you made a terrible mistake.’ Kate refused to let the subject drop.
‘Because nothing’s changed; he’s still famous and I don’t want to be with someone like that.’
‘Like what? Kind, generous, hot bod, worships the ground you walk on? Yeah, I can see what a drag that would be.’
‘Fuck off,’ I muttered.
‘It doesn’t have to be this hard. Find out where he is, call him. Do something.’
‘There’s no point, he’s probably forgotten about me already anyway.’
*
‘I won’t be long, I’m just going to check on some last minute things for the festival.’ Was anyone listening? I poked my head into the living room; Grace was sprawled on the sofa, deep in conversation with Rachel’s son, Sean. When he and Rachel had arrived a few hours earlier, I’d been stunned by Sean’s transformation. The long greasy fringe was gone, along with the vampire-like complexion and the obsession with Minecraft. But my reaction to Sean’s transformation had paled into insignificance when compared to my daughter’s. Her mouth had literally hung open; I’d had to give her a quick kick in the shin to bring her back down to earth. The pair of them had been inseparable ever since. It was quite cute really. I could hear Kate in the kitchen, giving Sam orders on the correct way to peel a potato. I’d put the two of them in charge of prepping veg for Christmas lunch the following day, and Natasha was on clean up duty.
‘I’m just nipping downstairs,’ I repeated, louder this time.
‘All right, all right, we hear you. No need to shout.’ Rachel came out of the spare bedroom at the end of the hallway, the manuscript for my novel in her hands. I’d asked her to read it when she got here, and she’d been tucked away in her room for the past two hours.
‘Have you finished?’
‘Not yet, blimey, give a girl a chance. I’m coming to make myself a cup of tea and then I’m going straight back to my room to finish it. Honestly though, Evie, it’s fantastic. I cannot put it down.’
I was relieved; I hadn’t shared my writing with anyone for so long, I’d forgotten how stressful it could be.
‘What are you going downstairs for?’ she asked. ‘The festival isn’t due to get going until six.’
‘Which is only an hour away. I have to check that the grotto is finished, and that Trevor hasn’t strangled Mrs Porter.’
‘You’re hiding from all of us, aren’t you? We’ve invaded your peace and quiet.’
They had but I wasn’t about to tell them that. ‘Not at all. I’m really happy that everyone’s here. I won’t be long.’
‘Okay. Don’t worry, I’ll wrangle the troops at this end and we’ll be down in plenty of time for the big kick off ceremony.’
‘Hardly a big kick off. Just the ceremonial light switch-on. Nothing fancy.’
‘It’s going to be amazing. I just know it. You’ve worked so hard; how could it be anything other than a roaring success?’ Rachel squeezed my arm. ‘You really love it here, don’t you?’
I nodded and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. ‘I feel part of something here, Rach. I can’t explain it. It feels like I was always meant to find this place. Does that sound nuts?’
Rachel smiled. ‘No. It sounds perfect. Now, off you go. And don’t take any crap from Mrs Porter. You’ve got the clipboard, that means you’re in charge.’
I closed the front door behind me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me; I’d invited them all and I was happy that we would all be spending Christmas together, but I couldn’t shake this horribly numb feeling inside.
As I stepped out onto the street, I had to admit to feeling just a little bit proud of myself: everything looked perfect. The grotto was finished – you’d never know it was a borrowed garden shed – it was covered in fake snow and glittering lights. There was more fake snow on all the shop window ledges and above the doors. Trevor had managed to get hold of a dozen real Christmas trees for free; I hadn’t asked where they’d come from. I figured it was probably best if I didn’t know. Each shop had been given the job of decorating one and everyone had gone all out to make the centre of the village look as festive as possible. The pavements were lined with stalls selling all sorts of Christmas wares: decorations, cakes, and some local artists had set up a few stalls selling their wares. I picked up a beautiful bowl; the inside looked like mother-of-pearl and it glistened in the light. Maybe I’ll treat myself if I manage to get through the festival without any major disasters, I thought. Almost on cue, my good mood was shattered by the now familiar sound of Mrs Porter’s jangling jewellery as she approached from somewhere behind the candy floss stand. I turned and stunned her into momentary silence with my effusive cry of, ‘Merry Christmas!’
‘What? Oh, yes, same to you. Now, listen, we’ve got a problem.’
‘What sort of problem?’
‘Well, in lieu of any real celebrities, I had to enlist the help of the deputy mayor, y’know, to come and turn on the lights on the big tree by the church. To start the festival.’
‘Right.’
‘Well, he’s stuck in Epping Forest. Apparently, the Santa Fun Run hasn’t finished yet and he has to stay until the end to hand out medals.’
‘So we don’t have anyone to turn on the lights?’
‘No, and there’s a photographer here from the local
paper and everything. What are we going to do?’
‘Well, maybe we can find someone else?’
‘Like who?’
‘Can I help at all?’ Daniel’s low voice came from behind me and sent a shiver running up my spine. Mrs Porter looked at me and then back at Daniel. She had her mouth open.
‘Daniel Roberts, meet Mrs Angela Porter,’ I said.
‘Angela, it’s lovely to meet you. I’d be happy to turn on the lights. If you think I’m a good enough substitute for the deputy mayor?’
Mrs Porter just nodded.
‘Fantastic. I’ll come and join you in a moment. I just need a minute with this lovely woman here. If you’ll excuse us.’ Daniel gently guided me back towards my shop.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I heard about the festival, thought I’d come and check it out.’
‘If people see you it’s going to start a riot. Where’s your security team?’
‘No team, just me. It’ll be fine, don’t worry.’
He was really here; I couldn’t quite believe it. I reached up and touched his face and he turned his head towards my palm and kissed it, so softly.
‘Happy to see me?’ he asked, with a smile. His eyes glittered in the dark.
‘I am. When you left the shop the other day I didn’t know what to do… how to find you. I was worried I’d never see you again,’ I said, my voice barely a whisper. He moved closer to me.
‘I’ve missed you so much, Evie.’ He bent his head towards mine and kissed me, ever so gently at first but when I wrapped my arms around his waist, his kiss deepened. He moved to capture me in his arms and pull me closer still. My skin burned under his touch, his hands sliding under my shirt and stroking the curve of my breasts. He murmured my name like a prayer into my mouth, over and over again, and we kissed until we were both breathless.
‘There’s something I have to tell you,’ he said, pulling away from me. ‘I’ve waited almost a year to say it and I don’t think I can wait much longer.’ His expression was serious but that was tempered by the sparkle in his eyes. ‘I know that Tom was the love of your life. I could never replace him. I wouldn’t want to. But I need you to know that I love you – you’ve been in my heart since I was seventeen and there doesn’t appear to be anything I can do about it. I know you can’t love me back, but I had to tell you how I feel. That’s why I came to see you the other day. I wanted to tell you all this then, but I lost my nerve.’ He rested his forehead on mine and closed his eyes. Was I responsible for that tired look? For that ache in his voice? I knew that I was and was so angry with myself for putting him through all that.
‘Daniel,’ I whispered, ‘look at me. Please.’
He opened his eyes and pulled back from me.
‘You are such an amazing man,’ I said. ‘You are kind and talented and passionate and funny. And really good in bed.’ He smiled at my attempt to lighten the mood.
‘But? It sounds like there’s a but coming.’
‘But, you’re also famous and driven to succeed. This life I’ve made for myself here, I worry that it would be too small for you, too ordinary.’
‘There’s nothing ordinary about you. You challenge me, you excite me, you make me feel alive. You’re also really good in bed too, by the way.’
I took a little bow. ‘I thank you.’
‘I think we could be good together, Evie, you and me. Nothing else matters.’
‘What about your work? It’s what you live for.’
‘It used to be, but I realised that was because I had nothing else. Maria and I were never right for each other, not really. I focussed on my work because it seemed to be the only thing I was good at. But with you, that’s all different. With you I want to see the world, lie on far-away beaches and drink cocktails. Read Hemingway whilst lying in a hammock. With you, I can finally just be. The joy you bring to my life is worth more to me than any number of standing ovations or awards. I love you, Evie. I think a part of me always has. You have to believe me.’
‘I don’t want you to stop acting though, not for me.’
‘I don’t have to. The play I’m rehearsing for now is in London, and after that I’m going to be filming a TV series on location in Yorkshire.’
‘That’s amazing. Can I ask what the series is? Or is that a big secret?’
He gave me a smile. ‘You’re going to be very impressed. I’m playing Mr Rochester in a new adaptation of Jane Eyre.’
I laughed out loud. ‘That sounds perfect.’
In that moment it all suddenly seemed so blindingly obvious to me: the numb feeling, the lack of joy and the unsettled mood that had kept me awake for more nights than I cared to admit; they were all because of this man. This beautiful, loving man, who’d offered me his heart and who wanted to share his life with me.
‘Say something, Evie, please.’
‘I think part of me has always loved you too. I carried so much guilt about that for a long time, like it was a betrayal of what I had with Tom. I will always love him – he was my husband and the father of my kids. But he’s gone and you’re here and I know now that I have room in my heart for both of you. I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to work all this out.’
Daniel kissed me again, this time with such tenderness and love. ‘It doesn’t matter any more. I don’t want to look back,’ he said, pulling me into his arms and holding me close. The smell of him was intoxicating; I couldn’t help myself.
‘You’re going to have to stop sniffing me, you do know that, right?’ he said, with a smile.
I lifted my head up. ‘Says who? You’re mine now and I can do whatever I want with you. Forever.’
He treated me to the most joy filled smile I thought I’d ever seen.
‘Forever sounds good to me.’
I reached up, threading my hands through his hair and pulling his mouth down towards mine. ‘Me too,’ I said. And then I kissed him.
We hope you enjoyed this book.
Jane Lacey-Crane’s next book is coming in winter 2019
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Acknowledgements
Firstly, I have to thank the amazing team at Aria Fiction, who have been so supportive of me since I signed that contract back in October 2017. As always, your creativity and generosity have enabled me to achieve something I thought would always remain a dream. I will be forever grateful to you all.
When I started to think about this story, I realised that by choosing to write about a heroine who has struggled with mental health issues, I would inevitably be opening myself up for the question ‘What do you know about having mental health problems? What qualifies you to write about a subject like that?’ I knew I would need to make the decision to acknowledge my own truth and stop being afraid to admit something to the world. I wanted to finally stand up and own the fact that I have mental health issues that affect my life every day. I wanted to stop being afraid of showing my vulnerabilities to a world that can sometimes be a little unforgiving. There are days when even raising my head off the pillow takes a supreme effort of will, and there are other days when I spring out of bed, eager to take on the world. The trouble with depression, is that you never know which type of day you’re going to get! As a result, I can be moody, irrational, unpredictable, or sometimes just plain old exhausted! But I know I can get through it because I’ve done it before and I also know that I couldn’t do it without the support and love of, not only family and friends, but of the wider community of writers and readers and bloggers that I’ve met since publishing my first book, Secrets and Tea at Rosie Lee’s, in 2018. Their generous support, advice and just general all-round loveliness, have been so important to me and I thank them all so, so much.
The heroine of this story, Evie Grant, represents so many women I encounter, so this book, in part, is for them. The Mum’s, the Daughter’s, the Aunt’s, the Nan’s, the Best Friend’s – the women who struggle a little bit every day but still go on.
You are not alone. If you need help; ask. Talk to someone; share your fears. Go for a walk, lose yourself in a book, go to the movies – practise some self-care. I guarantee you are most definitely ‘worth it!’
Much Love
Jane x
About Jane Lacey-Crane
Born in London, JANE LACEY-CRANE’s writing career began in cable TV, writing true crime documentaries. More recently, Jane has contributed to an anthology of short stories and written two weekly crime serials. When she’s not writing, Jane loves to read good books, binge watch TV boxsets and drink tea. And wine.
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