“Like what?!” Billy asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll be that man, he looks happy,” Shakespeare said pointing at a newspaper, which was the first thing that came into view.
“You want to be chairman of Marks and Spencer?” Billy said, glancing down at the business section. “I don’t think that’s a goer. I mean, do you have any retail experience?”
“I DON’T CARE. I’M NOT GOING HOME AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”
And with that, Shakespeare stormed off upstairs.
“Billy,” Einstein said. “We need to get everyone back into the wormhole. We all need to be dropped into history exactly where we left off. If one of us is left out, the consequences could be unfathomable, and if someone as important as Shakespeare doesn’t go home…”
“My parents might never have gone on a date … I might not be here without him,” Billy said, suddenly realizing what was at stake.
“Exactly. No Shakespeare means no you and no plan to fix the wormhole. That means the world will end. If he doesn’t go back, we’re all doomed. My boy, the fate of the world is in your hands.”
10 p.m.
“Right, so I, a schoolboy, have to convince the world’s greatest writer to write, even though I’ve only studied half of one of his plays and that made me yawn?”
Einstein, Victoria and the legion of Romans all nodded back at him.
“That’s fine. I mean, why not? Why the heck not?! Let me do that and then we can bake a cake that’s going to save the world, all before my parents get home!” Billy shouted. “I’m going to need a big holiday after this – a really big one with drinks served in coconuts.” Billy took a deep breath, high-tailed it upstairs and banged on the bathroom door.
“William, hello, is that you? I don’t want to be a pain, but we really need to get going to, you know, avoid the end of the world and all that.”
“IT ALREADY IS THE END OF THE WORLD!”
Shakespeare wailed.
“Is this because I said your plays were a bit old and I named my dog after you?”
“Yes, unless there are any other insults you’d like to throw my way, you rogue!”
“Look, I really liked learning about you at school. Yes, it was tricky to get into the play, because of the language – there was an awful lot of ‘doth’ and ‘dith’.”
“‘Dith’? That’s not even a word.”
“Well, mostly ‘doth’, which is tricky to understand, especially when you have teachers like Mrs Grice who’s old and a bit shouty, but I really got into it.”
“Which one was it?”
“Romeo and Juliet. It’s a classic.”
“Really? The Stratford Evening Telegraph only gave it three stars. And they spelt my name wrong. A man who juggled turnips in town got five stars!”
“Well, it’s a slow-burner but you can’t give up! You’ve had a bad day … I’m having a bad day too, so what am I doing? I’m fixing it with a really big cake. All you need is a spoonful of imagination, a cup of inspiration…”
“What are you talking about?”
“Sorry, I was going for a whole cake metaphor thing … it was a bit rubbish.”
“It wasn’t great. It didn’t even have any rhyming couplets.”
“I don’t know what they are, but then again I’m not a writer. You, however, are! You see, you know what you’re talking about. You just need to get started.”
“I can’t … I lost my lucky quill!” Shakespeare sobbed. “Without it, I can’t even finish the play I’m writing.”
“Well, what’s it about?”
“Kittens and puppy dogs. It’s set in Denmark.”
“That sounds … fun, but remember what I said about the Romans? Kids like all that blood and guts stuff; they like to be scared.”
“Do you think I should change it then?”
“Maybe … why not put a king or a ghost in it?” Billy said. “At least give it a go, please – for my sake, and also all of human kind?”
“OK,” Shakespeare finally answered, before unlocking the bathroom door and poking his head out. “Can I borrow a quill?”
“I can do better than that.” Billy ran into his room and grabbed his old pencil case and some paper. “How about a pencil? You can write with it and use the rubber on top to rub out any mistakes,” Billy said, offering Shakespeare his case. “Now, what would you prefer, a 2B or not 2B?”
“Say that again?” Shakespeare said.
“2B or not 2B? I have loads of different ones,” Billy said.
Shakespeare grabbed the pencil and started scribbling away.
“I LOVE IT!”
he yelled in delight.
“So, shall we go back downstairs?”
“Of course, old bean.” Shakespeare grinned.
“Great! I’ll make you some tea,” Billy yelled after him.
“Oh, no need. I drank from your delicious water bowl on the floor.” Shakespeare beamed.
Billy looked at the toilet and grimaced.
He followed Shakespeare back into the kitchen and stood on a chair to address everyone.
“RIGHT, MY PARENTS GET HOME ANY MINUTE, WHICH WILL LITERALLY BE THE END OF THE WORLD, SO WE NEED TO GET A MOVE ON.”
“Romans! I need you to guard the wormhole, just in case anything unsavoury comes out of it; I’m talking dictators, tyrants, warlords, basically anyone with silly facial hair. Einstein! How are you at measuring and multiplying?”
Einstein shot Billy a look.
“Probably pretty good, aren’t you? I mean, you did come up with E=MC2, so I’m sure you can weigh some plain flour.”
“I came up with what? E=MC2? What is that?”
“Oh, has that not happened yet? Well, let’s put it this way: it was one of your greatest hits!”
“I may write that down. What does the E stand for?”
“Hmm, it might be something to do with eagles, but I may be making that up … anyway, you measure, Queenie, you mix, Shakespeare, you do the baking.”
“WOOF!”
“No, not you. You’re on dino-watch duty. Let’s go, people! We have a world to save!”
“We make a good team, don’t we, William?” Victoria said, getting her whisk out.
“We must be almost there!” Professor Jones said as the team of scientists walked up Billy’s street, looking at the menacing clouds that had gathered above his back garden. “It’s like the end of the world around here.”
“Especially with that bus catching fire and all…” Derek mumbled.
“Now, listen. We’re all sad about the bus catching fire – no one more than me – but we have to think of the bigger picture here; the world’s greatest scientific discovery. We will pay for the damage once we get our Nobel Prize, once we have become rock stars of the science world, but right now, we have a job to do. Did you call the media?”
“Yeah, South London Today said they might take a look if they had time.”
“What?”
“Well, it’s hard to convince the world of time travel without sounding like you’re loopy.”
“Anyone else?”
“Loose Women said they would pop in too.”
Just at that second, there was a huge roar from Billy’s garden as the Diplodocus reared right up, like a scene from Jurassic Park – if Jurassic Park had been set on an estate in South London.
“Holy mackerel!” Marjory screamed.
“NO ONE MOVE!”
the police inspector bellowed through a megaphone as half a dozen police cars screeched to a halt in front of the scientists.
“STOP INVADING OUR PLANET! IT’S AGAINST INTERNATIONAL LAWS, AND ALSO, YOU CAN’T SET A BUS ON FIRE HERE EITHER!”
“What?!” Professor Jones yelled, spinning around.
“Watch out! They’re armed with space guns!” the inspector cried out.
“WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?”
Mum shouted, getting out of the car just in time to see the Air Force fly over the house and a dinosaur eating th
e roof.
“Who are you?” the inspector asked.
“This is – was – my house!” Dad said, also getting out of the car.
“Who are you?” Mum replied. “And who are they?” she asked, pointing at Professor Jones and her gang of laser-gun-wielding scientists.
“Aliens!” the police inspector cried. “Or time travellers, or something.”
“WHAT? I’M FROM COVENTRY!”
Professor Jones cried back. “We’re here to investigate what’s happening. I work for the government,” she said, putting her hands up.
“Well, I’m lost. What’s going on? Does anyone know what’s going on?” the inspector shrieked, pointing as the sky grew ever darker and the clouds boiled and bubbled.
Mum and Dad looked at each other. “Billy!”
“Keep pushing!” Billy said, as they all struggled to get the rock cake through the back door.
“It’s stuck!” Einstein said, gritting his teeth. “Maybe we should try rolling it back into the house and out of another door.”
“Don’t look at me. One is still a Queen, you know! One is not used to rolling anything except maybe my Rs.”
“I wish you’d roll your Rs over here and help!” Billy grunted.
“Why don’t you get the Diplodocus to help?” Atticus asked.
Billy’s eyes lit up. “That’s a great idea!” He squeezed past the others and stuck his head out of the door. “Oh, dino! Please stop eating the roof and come here! Who wants to play ball?” Billy put two fingers in his mouth and whistled. The Diplodocus paused then took another bite of roof tiles. All of a sudden, Shakespeare, the dog, leapt over the rock cake and ran towards the dinosaur, barking furiously at its legs. The Diplodocus’s head craned down to the floor, like a giant snake following Shakespeare as he trotted back to the door. The dinosaur sniffed at the giant rock cake and tried to bite it, before wincing in pain.
“We’ve all been there…” Billy said sympathetically. “Now, go! Put the ball in the hole … good dino!”
Slowly but surely the Diplodocus picked the cake up in his mouth and pulled it out of the door frame, taking some of the door with him. It must have taken all of his strength but he did it. Shakespeare, the dog, followed by the others, guided the dinosaur along, ushering him down the garden towards the wormhole.
“Good boy, Shakespeare!” Billy said. “Almost there!”
“Why, thank you.” Shakespeare blushed.
“Not you!” Billy said. “So, what now, Einstein? Does everyone just jump in?”
“Yes!” Einstein shouted.
By now the bottom of the garden was a hurricane of noise and light exploding from the wormhole. Billy edged towards the hole and peered in.
He could see stars and galaxies floating around in it.
“Whoa, just in time! It looks like the Titanic has just left port!” Billy said, watching the giant vessel float past. “Quick! Put the rock cake in! Then everyone jump back in!”
Just at that second, Mum, Dad, several armed policemen and a crack team of scientists came running up to the garden fence.
“Oh boy, I’m really in trouble now!” Billy shouted, shaking his head.
“It’s OK … all you need to do is get them to go into the wormhole too. That way they’ll pop out in a different timeline and they won’t remember a thing.” Einstein winked.
“Are you absolutely sure? I don’t really want to lose my parents in space and time if I can help it.”
“Of course I am! The same thing will happen to me and everyone else who’s not meant to be here. We won’t remember anything once we go back. You must trust me, Billy!”
“OK,” Billy said. He whistled at the dinosaur, who took the hint and let go of the giant rock cake. It had an immediate effect. Suddenly the hole started to calm down. It seemed less angry, like it was shrinking.
“We don’t have time for long goodbyes! It’s now or never!” Billy said, looking over his shoulder at a fast-approaching Mum and Dad.
“Romans, it’s been great! Good luck with all that conquering, but please, try and remember to be nice too.” Billy snatched a piece of litter from the bush. “Maybe swap conquering for cooking?” he said, handing the soldiers a pizza menu. “I think the locals are going to love it.”
“Thank you, Billy!” Atticus smiled, before ordering his troops to jump into the hole.
Billy grabbed a stick and threw it into the hole after them. “Goodbye, dino, we’ll miss you!” The Diplodocus leant into the hole before toppling through the portal and back into its own time. Billy turned around and smiled at the Queen. “Right, Victoria, thank you for all your help, it’s been a hoot. Have you got everything, your crown?”
“Yes, all here. Toodle-pip, old bean, and thank you. Who knew that doing things oneself could be such fun. Perhaps one has been too grumpy for too long. Maybe I should lighten the mood a little at the palace. Talking of which, here’s your whoopee cushion,” the Queen said waving it at Billy.
“Why don’t you keep it?” Billy beamed. “Just use it wisely. No one likes a serial whoopee-er.”
“Thank you, Billy. Goodbye,” the Queen said quietly and stepped into the wormhole. “And goodbye, William!” she shouted, batting her eyelashes. And with that, she was gone.
Billy turned to the two remaining time travellers. “Goodbye, Einstein, and thank you for all of your help,” he said, holding out his hand.
“You’re welcome, Billy – and, just before I go, remind me, what was that E=MC2 you were telling me about?”
“I’m afraid I can’t explain it but, just remember, it’s all relative.” Billy smiled, watching Einstein frantically write something down on his notepad as he disappeared into the hole.
“Will-i-am Shakespeare, the best playwright of all time! Give me a fist bump!” Billy cried.
“What?” Shakespeare answered.
“I don’t know really … I just mean, goodbye.”
“Oh right. Yes, goodbye and thank you for the pencil. I hope that the next play I write won’t make you too sleepy!” He beamed, and, with a jump into the orange light, he was gone.
“WHO ON EARTH WERE THOSE PEOPLE AND WAS THAT A DINOSAUR?!”
Mum screamed as she, Dad, the police inspector and the crack team of scientists pushed past the bush.
“Mum, Dad, strange people in masks and policeman, I can explain. All you need to do is look into this hole and everything will become clear,” Billy said, standing behind the crowd as they edged towards the wormhole. “A little closer, that’s it—”
With one finger, Billy pushed his dad’s shoulder and, like dominoes, they all fell into the wormhole, just before it closed up completely.
Billy looked over at the old, half-decrepit shed and, with all his might, managed to pull it over the space where the wormhole had been, to keep it safe from prying eyes. Just then, he heard the car door slam from the front of the house. He picked up his beloved Bess and strolled up the garden. The roof was fixed again, like nothing had happened. It couldn’t have been eaten by a Diplodocus because, of course, the dinosaur was never here. Billy strolled into the living room and turned off the TV. Nan woke up instantly.
“Oh, did I drop off there for a second, lad?” she asked, looking at her watch.
“Maybe just for a moment.” Billy smiled.
“Billy!” Mum called as she and Dad came through the front door. “There’s some sort of costume party going on outside. There’s a load of confused-looking policemen and people dressed like spacemen walking about! Anyway, sorry we’re so late back. How are you both?”
“All good.” Billy grinned. “How was shopping?”
“Oh, not too bad, son. I do feel a bit woozy though,” Dad said.
“How’s the homework going?” Mum asked.
“I’ve just got a bit to finish off,” Billy said. “I’m going to write all about how I met Queen Victoria, Einstein, Shakespeare and some Roman soldiers.”
“I thought you hated Shakespeare?” Dad ch
uckled. “I know I’m not a fan. Remember when you took me to see Hamlet, it went on for hours … it was so bleak. He should have put a kitten in it to lighten the mood.”
“Well, you can’t please everyone.” Billy smiled to himself. “And I like Shakespeare, he’s a nice fella and he may be many things, but boring isn’t one.”
“Well, you might be able to use this,” Mum said handing Billy a book. “I thought you could do with some inspiration, so I got you a present.”
Billy opened the bag. It was a history book. He flicked through it and stumbled on a picture of Queen Victoria. He was sad that she wouldn’t remember her time with him, but then he peered at the photo. She was sitting with the very same crown on, slyly grinning. And there, a bit blurry and in black and white, was his whoopee cushion.
See if you know the answers to these questions to fill the gaps in time:
Who was the first Roman Emperor?
1. Julius Caesar
2. Augustus
3. Tiberius
What was Queen Victoria’s husband called?
1. Albus
2. Albert
3. Schubert
Which equation did Einstein come up with?
1. F=MC4
2. E=MC3
3. E=MC2
Which language was spoken throughout the Roman Empire?
1. Italian
2. English
3. Latin
Which Queen was on the throne when some of Shakespeare’s first plays were performed?
1. Queen Elizabeth I
2. Queen Victoria II
3. Queen Elizabeth II
The Day I Found a Wormhole at the Bottom of the Garden Page 5
