All the Love in the World: A Holiday Anthology

by Karina Halle

  I shake my head, my fists clenching. “All I wanted was love. You never gave me that, even before you sent me away.”

  “I didn’t want a child, Lachlan,” she says, narrowing her eyes at me, as if it’s my fucking fault that I was born. “You were an accident and I had you in hopes that your father stayed around, he didn’t. So what was I supposed to do? Fake it?”

  “Yes!” I yell at her. “Fake it! At least pretend that you love your kid. Do you know how fucked up you made me?”

  “Yes,” she says, taking a sip of her coffee and looking away. “I know.”

  “And do you even care?” Now my voice is cracking and I feel that crack spreading throughout me, my soul the epicenter.

  She brings her eyes to mine and they look so damn empty it’s like looking at a zombie. “I need money.”

  I blink at her. Stare. I feel like the bottom dropped out. “What?” I manage to say.

  “I said I need money. I know you have money, lots of it.”

  I shake my head. I can’t even believe this is happening again.

  “You needed money last time,” I tell her. I point my finger at her and it’s trembling. “I gave you money. A lot of it. It was money to make you go away. Do you realize what you did to us before the wedding? After? You promised that it wasn’t money that you needed, that you’d show up to the wedding. You made me believe in you and then you never showed. No, you left town. That’s all you wanted from me, nothing else!”

  She finishes her coffee and studies me. “You would have thought with the upbringing you had, growing up in a home for boys, that you would have some sense of generosity.”

  “Generosity? Where did the fucking ten grand I gave you go?”

  “Life is expensive!” she yells at me throwing the coffee cup on the rug, the remains of it spilling, staining. “I’m a woman in need, I gave birth to you, and this is how you repay me?”

  “Fuck you,” I snarl at her, pointing to the door. “You can get out now.”

  “Lachlan!”

  “I should have known better than to have let you in, should have known better than to believe you would have showed up on my birthday for selfless reasons. I should have known. Kayla knew. She knew.”

  “Your wife is just as selfish as you. Nothing but a whore that uses you for money too.”

  “Get out,” I grind out through my teeth, trying so fucking hard not to punch her right in the face and knock the rest of her teeth out. “Get the fuck out right now or I’m calling the cops.”

  She stares at me for a moment, hatred flashing in her eyes, then she puts on her coat and heads to the door.

  Opens it.

  Looks over her shoulder at me.

  “Hope you find what you’re looking for Lachlan,” she says. “Because if it’s love, you’re never going to find it in me.”

  Then she leaves, shuts the door.

  I stand there for a moment, feeling all the tender, brittle parts of me break, that black hole in my chest opening wider and wider, threatening to swallow me. Consume me. Until all that’s left, all that I am…is nothing.

  Then I lose it.

  I pick up the coffee table, throwing it.

  I kick over the lamp.

  I scoop up her coffee cup and launch it into the wall until it breaks into a thousand pieces.

  Then I scream.

  Loud and long, a roar that’s ripped from my guts, all the hurt and the pain and the love that I never got come flying out.

  My head collapses into a dark place.

  My heart barely beating.

  Agony. Only agony.

  Only one way out.

  I grab my coat, my wallet, and then I head out the door and down the stairs.

  I step outside into the falling snow and I pull my collar up, not even looking around to see if Kayla spots me.

  I don’t want her to spot me.

  I just want the pain to go away.

  I want to feel numb again, to shut it all over, to close up the wound instead of slathering it with salt. There’s a deep-seated need that overrides everything else inside me, that promises that this will all be over and I need to feed it in order to survive.

  I need to feed it in order to survive.

  I head down the street toward the bottle shop.

  Five

  Kayla

  I’m in the park across the street when I see his mother exit the building and go marching off through the snow. Against my better judgement I follow her, just around the block. I want to know where she goes, if she’s part of some scam and has people waiting for her, if she’s homeless, if she’s doing better than she looks.

  Then I stop myself. Decide it doesn’t matter. It can’t matter, not after what happened last time when she guilt-tripped Lachlan into giving her money, then didn’t even show up to the wedding like she promised.

  Good riddance to her. I’m just happy that Lachlan managed to get rid of her, even though I know how hard that must have been for him.

  Then my chest freezes over with dread.

  I need to get back to him.

  I turn around just in time to see a glimpse of Lachlan leave the building and disappear around the corner, his coat collar hiding his face. He was walking with urgency, and away from the park, so he’s not looking for me.

  Suddenly I know where he’s going.

  Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

  That wretched woman drove him to drink.

  Everything that happened last time is playing out again, only this time I might have the power to stop it, or at least talk to Lachlan before he does anything. I have to try. I have to give it my all, even if it’s futile.

  I start running after him, the dogs trotting beside me, slipping on the snow as I run across the street and down the sidewalk.

  There he is, right up ahead.

  I still have time.

  I keep running, the dogs keeping pace, thinking this is some sort of game as they dash through the snow, but this isn’t a game at all.

  For us, it’s everything.

  “Lachlan!” I yell when I’m close enough.

  He doesn’t stop. I know he heard me, I’ve been in this scenario before.

  I shake my head, grumbling to myself, even though my heart is filled with fear. Once he sets his mind on drinking, there is very little I can do to stop him. I’ve warded him off a few times, but in the end it’s all about him. It’s his choice. It’s his conviction. You can’t make someone choose you over the drink, because it’s not even close to being simple. There’s a monster inside Lachlan that obeys only the thirst, that tricks him into thinking he can both make me and the monster happy, that he can handle it, that it’s only just this once, that everything will be okay once he makes the pain go away. The way Lachlan describes it sometimes, is that he feels like he’s doing harm to his body by not drinking.

  But we’ve gotten through those rough patches before.

  We’ll do it again.

  I just hope to spare us both the pain.

  “Hey!” I yell, catching up to him, grabbing him by the arm.

  He whirls around to look at me and the guilt in his eyes radiates intensely.

  It’s that guilt that will save him.

  “Kayla,” he says, mouth open, trying to find the right words when there are no right words. He swallows. “I’m sorry.”

  Fuck he’s breaking my heart.

  I pull him to the side, away from the people passing in the street, giving us privacy. “Don’t do this,” I tell him.

  He stares at me, blinking, and then I notice that he’s holding back tears that start to swim in his eyes.

  I reach up and cup his cold face in my hands.

  His chin drops. He closes his eyes, a tear spilling down. He’s breathing hard, in and out, and I know his hands are in fists, trying to hold himself together. He’s as fragile as he’ll ever be right now and I need to keep him from breaking.

  “Don’t do this, please,” I say to him. “I know you want to, baby. I kn
ow that you think it will make it go away, and it will. It will for a little bit. You’ll get your escape. But everything will be so much worse for you after. I’m not going to leave you, you know that. I will stay by your side. I won’t think less of you. But you will think less of you. You’ll have to live with that guilt and you don’t deserve to carry that burden.”

  “I need to,” he whispers, eyes still closed, brows pinched together. “You don’t understand it’s that…I need to. I need to make this go away. No one should ever have to carry this much pain in them.”

  “You’re right. No one should.” My heart cracks as I feel him tremble between my palms. I hold him tight. “No one should and you don’t deserve it. What you do deserve though, is a woman that loves you. Family that loves you. Friends that love you. A city that loves you. Dogs that love you. You have so much fucking love, Lachlan McGregor. It’s what you deserve, it’s more than anyone can hope for in their life. Don’t let that woman define you. Don’t let her dictate your pain. If you give in, then…she’s hurt you again. Don’t let her do that to you. She doesn’t have that power unless you give it to her.”

  “I just wanted her to love me,” he cries out and pulls me in, holding me tight.

  I wrap my arms around him, burying my head in his chest. “I know you do. I know. And you deserved a mother who really did love you. But you also got one. Don’t forget about her. Or your father. Or Brigs. That’s your real family and found family can be just as good, if not better.”

  He keeps holding on, his breath choked.

  “You’re my family too, Lachlan. With my mom gone, all I have are memories of her love. It hurts to not have her here. I have a hole in my heart and always will. But what helps is knowing that I’ve found love in other places. With you. With friends. It has to be enough to heal you. I choose to believe it’s helped heal me.”

  I pull back and gaze up at him. His eyes are tired, red, but the pain is subsiding. I can see it.

  “There’s a part of you that doesn’t want that drink,” I tell him, pressing my hands against his chest. “You know that Lachlan. You know that you don’t really want it, and you’re just looking for the quick fix. You’re stronger than you know, you’re smarter than you know. Let’s listen to that side of you, the one that knows what’s best.” I reach down and grab his hand. “Are you ready to walk away? To walk away and come back home with me?”

  He stares at me for a moment and I watch the war rage inside him.

  I hold my breath.

  I pray.

  Then he leans over and kisses me softly on the forehead, his lips warm.

  “Let’s go home.”

  We turn and head back to the flat and he doesn’t even glance over his shoulder.

  This is just a baby step for today. It’s still early and there’s a lot happening later on and there’s a million different directions Lachlan can go. But for now, we’re going home.

  ***

  After we get back to the flat, I have a bit of cleaning up to do. There’s coffee on the rug, a smashed cup, a broken lamp.

  Lachlan looks completely embarrassed, like a dog with his tail between his legs, but I’ve dealt with so much worse than this. I lead him to the bedroom and make him get into bed, encouraging the dogs to jump on the bed with him since they’re so damn good at soothing him, they should be certified therapy pets.

  Then I clean up.

  I redo the breakfast too and bring it into the bedroom.

  “How about we start your birthday over again,” I tell him, placing the tray beside him. “Clean slate. Let’s pretend we just woke up and I brought you your birthday breakfast like I had originally planned.”

  He gives me a tired look. “I’m not sure I can forget.”

  “You know what I mean,” I tell him. “I won’t forget either. If you want to dwell on it all day you can…maybe I should call everyone and cancel the party. You’ll see everyone later anyway.”

  He shakes his head. “No. No, I need to be around people. Like you said, found family. And real family. And everything in between.”

  “Are you sure? I think everyone would totally understand. You know they all care about you so much, Lachlan. They just want you to be happy, they don’t want to cause any stress.”

  He nods and gives me a gentle smile. “I know. I mean, I figured they didn’t all come this way for nothing. No, I think…a little distraction will be good.” He picks up his fork and takes a bite of the eggs. “It’s perfect.”

  I watch him for a moment, trying not to be intrusive. This morning was a huge turning point for him. He told me what he discussed with her, that he kicked her out. I know how badly he craves her love and affection and approval, and I also know what a wonderful soul he has. That he really would do anything for someone in need, even if it’s someone who hurt him so terribly.

  It’s one of the reasons why he rescues dogs that nobody wants.

  He identifies with them way too much.

  So the fact that he was able to get his mother to leave means a lot. It also means that right now, right in front of me as he eats his eggs, he’s grappling with a lot of guilt. Guilt over almost drinking, guilt over being an alcoholic to begin with, and then the guilt of pushing his mother away.

  I think deep down inside he knows that it was his only chance to save himself. But knowing and feeling can be two different things.

  “Kayla,” he says after a moment, putting his fork down. His voice is low, heavy. “I need to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For coming after me.” He closes his eyes, shaking his head. “I should have never…I should have been stronger than I was.”

  “Lachlan,” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder, searching his face. “Look at me.” He opens his eyes to meet mine, and they’re still so awash with pain. “You are the strongest person I know. Not just physically, but mentally. You are a beast inside and out. I know you see yourself as weak in these moments, but you need to focus on your strength. It’s because you are strong that you talked yourself out of it. And it’s because you are strong that you’ve come this far in life. When you fall, you don’t stay down. Just like in the game. Even after the biggest hits you get up and you walk.”

  “You saved me,” he whispers, staring at my lips. “You came after me and you saved me.”

  “I only gave you a moment to check in with yourself. I didn’t stop you. It was your choice and your power that made the decision to walk away. Okay?”

  He leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. “I love you more than I can handle.”

  I smile against his mouth. “And I love you more than I ever thought possible.”

  We kiss again and I feel the pain and fear and sorrow of earlier wash away with each pass of his lips.

  He moves the tray away and I fall back into bed with him, making sure to shoo the dogs away before we get carried away. I still think it’s weird if they watch.

  He lays back and this time I take control. I strip him naked, then let my mouth wash all over him, over every single inch, showing him love and devotion with every press of my lips. The crook of his elbow, his knee, his nipples, the sharp V of his hip bones. I worship every part of him.

  Then I give him yet another birthday present.

  Six

  Lachlan

  I know every man with a good woman at his side thinks he’s the luckiest man alive, and maybe he’s right. Maybe every man who has the fortitude to have someone they love beyond all hope and reason at their side, is the luckiest. Bram is lucky to have Nicola. Linden is lucky to have Stephanie. Brigs is lucky to have Natasha. Keir is lucky to have Jessica. All of those strong, amazing women have lifted up their men, healed their wounds, made them dig their heels in deep to a whole new life of love.

  But honestly, I still think I’m the luckiest man of all.

  Kayla isn’t just a firecracker sex machine. She’s not just deeply sexy, and intelligent to boot. She’s not just hilarious, making me laugh all day
long. And it’s not about her heart, her ability to really see people and make them feel good.

  She’s all those things and more. She’s my best friend and soulmate, and I really feel that in a profound way. The way her heart connects to mine is nothing short of a miracle, and the way she stands behind me, beside me, in front of me, all to support me every way she can is remarkable.

  I can’t imagine my life without her and even through all the awful shit we’ve been through, I know in the depths of my heart that we will be together in the end. It’s not just because we’re married…we’re linked at the soul level, on that hazy, mysterious level that you can’t even quantify.

  So yeah, I’m lucky I have her.

  But my luck doesn’t also stop there.

  I’m lucky I have friends and family, found family or not, that show up when I need them, even if I don’t realize it at the time. That, like Kayla, they’ve also never turned their back on me, never made me feel weak or less than, they’ve just accepted me through every stage of this crazy fucking thing called life.

  And even though there’s a part of me that wants to crawl back into bed and sleep for the next week, feeling sorry for myself, sticking my fingers back into that bloody black hole inside me, I know I’ll regret it if I don’t soldier on.

  And that’s what I do.

  I’m a fighter.

  I soldier on.

  Every single morning I get out of bed and I thank my lucky stars and I soldier on.

  And so that’s what I’m doing today.

  The party at our flat starts at seven (early, cuz you know, kids), which gives me just enough time to head out and pick up Kayla’s Valentine’s Day present. I’ve had my eye on it for a few weeks now, just waiting for today when I could finally give it to her. I think she’s going to absolutely love it. Maybe it’s a bit crazy, but still. She deserves it.

  So I go out and do that, but it’s when I’m on the way back, the present hidden in my coat, that I need to figure out how to surprise her. I think it will be quite noticeable that I’m smuggling something past her.