***
We didn’t continue the conversation until much later, when I’d gone to my room for the night; I’d barely turned off the lights when I heard a knock on the door. My door was light, so the knocks sounded like they were going to break it down.
With a sigh, I kicked off the covers and sat up. “Come in.”
Someone pushed the door open; I couldn’t tell who until she flipped the switch and yellow light flooded the room. Mom looked even more tired than she had before. She stood in the doorway for a few seconds, leaning against the frame and staring at me.
“Ashley,” she finally said, “Is there something we need to talk about?”
“No. At least, not that I know of.” I laughed, but it wasn’t funny.
Mom raised an eyebrow, as if she could sense what I was thinking. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.” I waited to see if that would make her leave, to see if this was just feigned curiosity or an attempt to start a real conversation. When Mom stayed in the door, I had my answer. “I didn’t tell you about a lot… Not just stuff about the band. I didn’t tell you about Jessica, or Charlie, or—“
“Wait, who’s Jessica?”
“Exactly. God, you don’t even know who she is.” That was my fault, at least partly, but I didn’t feel like taking blame. “Mom, Jessica’s been bullying me this entire year. It got so bad that I didn’t even want to go to school. You didn’t even notice that! The principal came over here because she wanted to enroll me in a truancy program!”
She just kept standing there, which did nothing to help my anger.
“Oh, and I’m dating Charlie! And…” I wished I had more to talk about; I wanted to rant, to show her how much she’d missed.
When Mom finally spoke, her voice was quiet and gentle. “Honey, I guess I missed a lot. There’s no way I can deny that. My only question is… Why? Did you deliberately keep me out of your life? Or…?” Her mascara was running, and I could tell from her expression that she wasn’t looking for a fight.
On some level, I was. “Because you were busy with Kent. And your job. Everything but me.”
“No, that’s not true. Everything in my life is about you.” She shook her head. “Do you feel like I’ve been ignoring you?”
“Well, you certainly haven’t been paying a lot of attention to me,” I snapped. She was making me feel bad for being so angry, and I didn’t think that was fair; I had my reasons for how I felt, and I knew they were justified.
Mom pushed off the doorframe and crossed to my bed. She fell down beside me. “I guess not. Sometimes my life gets too hard to keep control of, and everyone I love ends up suffering. Would it make you feel better to know that I had a similar conversation with Kent a few months ago?” She sighed before answering her own question. “No, probably not. I swear, I’m breaking apart. When I’m not bartending I’m keeping the house clean, or trying to make time for the two of you. I broke a glass yesterday because I was half-asleep at work.”
She was asking for my sympathy, just like Joey had a couple days before. I was getting tired of being understanding. I wanted to scream something to the effect of, ‘I thought we were talking about me!’ But that would have been too selfish. “I don’t get why you have to work so much. I thought the whole point of us moving was so that you and Kent could both pay for things. Right?”
“Yeah, but… Look, the truth is that we didn’t figure out all the extra payments this house would take. Did you know there’s an HOA fee? Why? We don’t even have a pool or tennis courts or anything! Why do we have to pay an HOA fee?”
I almost asked what an HOA was, but that was getting too far away from the point. “Mom, I’d really rather move back to the apartment. I thought about it before, and I’d rather live by the side of the road if it meant we actually got to spend time together.”
Her eyes found mine; I wasn’t surprised to see how wet they were, as if she was about to break into tears right there. “I, um… Honey, you know it kills me every time I have to take an extra shift. God, it absolutely destroyed me to hear about everything that’s been going on with you! I had no idea. What kind of a mother am I, that all of that could happen to you and I didn’t even know?”
Auburn: Outcasts and Underdogs Page 29
