Alice took refuge where she always did, the church, next to Wanham Castle. From her first visit, she’d felt at peace there. Now, with the wind buffeting around her, echoing the confusion raging inside of herself, she ran through the rain as soon as she’d left the castle. By the time she collapsed against the gray studded doors of the church, she was wet to the bone.
She fumbled for the iron handle and twisted it. A gust of wind helped her open the heavy door, and she stumbled down the steps inside. On her knees, she looked up at the image of Jesus on the cross, stretched across the rood screen, and for the first time in an age, wept. She wept for all that she was losing, and wept for the sorrow she was causing the man she loved most in the world.
As she bowed her head in prayer, seeking guidance and strength, she heard the door open behind her and felt the fingers of the cold wind seeking out her damp clothes. She shivered and turned to see William standing looking at her.
“William!”
“Did you think I wouldn’t come?” He shook his head. “Sometimes, Alice, I wonder if you even know me.”
“I know you, William de Vere. And that is why I must walk away. I cannot ruin your life.”
“You will do exactly that if you do not marry me.”
“I will do that if I marry you. Have you not heard what I’ve said? I will never bear a child.”
“Only God knows that for sure.”
“No, I know it also.”
“How?”
She swallowed. She’d never told anyone before. Only those persons involved knew what had happened all those years before, and they all had their reasons not to say anything. But now, looking into her dear William’s eyes, she knew she could no longer keep it from him. That much she owed him.
“I’m not who you think I am,” she said.
“I think you’re Lady Alice de Vere. Are you not?” he asked with a smile.
“Aye, that is my name. But I’m not the girl you knew when we were young.” She knew the moment he caught the thread of her meaning for a darkness entered his eyes.
“You,” he hesitated and licked his lips as he tried to find the words which were so abhorrent to him. What he didn’t realize was that they were equally abhorrent to her. “You are not a maid?”
She shook her head. “I am not.”
He angled his head and blinked. “You have lain with a man?”
She didn’t move her eyes from his. She owed him that much. “I have.” He closed his eyes, but not before she could see the pain there. “But you must know it was not willingly.”
The replacement of pain with anger was swift. “Who was he?” His voice sent shivers along her already chilled body.
“I cannot say.”
“You would protect this man?”
“Protect him? Nay, William. I would protect you, because I know you. And I know what you could do to such as he.”
“Is that so bad? So wrong?”
“What is wrong is that you will be punished for such wrong-doing. And that, I could never bear. Promise me you won’t.”
But William appeared in no mind to make such a promise. “And why do you believe this rape,” he said, spitting out the word, “will stop you from bearing a child?”
It had come to it. That point where there was no going back.
“Because I have made a promise before God that I will never lie with a man ever in my life again. I cannot. I will not.”
His face was blank with shock. Silently, he pulled her to his body and held her close. The fine wool of his best surcote pressed against her cheek, giving her warmth and comfort, but that was all he could give. She had to be firm.
She pulled away. “You hold me now, and it is good. But I seek no more intimate touch. After what I went through, I cannot think of lying with a man again. It is not something I want.”
He held her firmly at arms’ length. “Listen to me, Alice de Courcy. This is something that can be overcome if you still love me. Do you?”
She looked at him sadly. He was her beloved William, but he was also a man, with a man’s pride, and a man’s needs. He might think he could do without children, that she’d come around to welcoming him physically, but she knew what such rancor could do to people, she’d seen it first-hand with her parents. There was only one thing she could do for him now.
She shook her head. “I do not wish to marry you, William. The only relationship I desire is a spiritual one. I want to go to the Priory to live and work there as a healer.”
“You cannot mean that.”
“I do mean it. And you must accept that.”
“I will never accept that.”
She gripped his hands. “William. If you care for me, you must let me go. You must let me find my own way in life for it cannot be with you. I have nothing to give you.”
“I want nothing. Only you.”
She had to be strong. She needed him to understand because she couldn’t bear the thought of him growing to hate her for everything she couldn’t give him. She sucked in a cold breath, trying to find the courage she needed.
“But I do not want you.” There, it was said. And the moment she’d finished speaking she saw its effect on William, and she wished she could withdraw it. It hurt her like a physical ache to see such pain in his eyes. But it had to be done.
He stepped away as if pushed, walked to the door and opened it for her. She swept past him and retraced her steps back to the castle, with William following a few steps behind. She didn’t stop until she was at the gatehouse when she could bear the silence no longer. She waited for him to catch up.
“I’ll stay one more night, William. But then I must leave. It is past time.”
She proceeded through to the Great Hall where the dancing continued, and their entrance went unnoticed. She went upstairs to the sisters’ room where she packed her things, undressed and lay, staring at the ceiling. Below her, the festivities continued, without her and William. She’d leave first thing in the morning. She couldn’t wait another day.
Eventually, the sisters retired for the night and lay beside her, but she feigned sleep. There was nothing to be gained by speaking to them. She’d talk to them in the morning if William hadn’t. She thought Katherine would understand but she couldn’t take the puzzled and hurt expressions from Lora or Celestria. They loved their brother unreservedly, and she doubted if they’d ever forgive her. Not at first anyway. But, in time, she hoped they’d come to understand.
She pulled the covers around her and closed her eyes praying for sleep to come. It didn’t.
The next day, William left early to ride to see Lady Anne at the Priory. A sleepless night had only been drawn to a close by his decision to see the Abbess.
When he entered the Priory, he was brought immediately to the Abbess. There was a roaring fire and comfortable and expensive decorations. It was the Hall of a wealthy and powerful woman.
“Lady Anne,” he bowed respectfully.
“Sir William.”
“I’m sorry to visit at such a time.”
She graciously waved her arm. “I was expecting your visit. Although I must confess that I’d hoped it would come later.”
“But—” William began, confounded by her admission.
“Please,” she said, “take a seat.” She nodded to a nun who disappeared, returning moments later with a tray of drinks. She waited until the drinks had been served before talking again. “No doubt you thought it strange when I forbade Alice to come here.”
William shrugged. “There was illness…” He trailed off, because he had, indeed, thought it strange.
“Not so much as to prevent her from coming. I didn’t want her here because I believed her future to be with you.”
William was surprised and comforted to have the Abbess seemingly on his side. “Aye, I also believed she would marry me. But she insists she cannot.”
“Because?” prompted the Abbess.
The words rolled around in his mouth, fighting to emerge. “Because,
” he repeated, “of what happened to her. Because of the gross violation she suffered.”
“Ah,” said the Abbess sitting back. “And I take it you desire intimacy, desire children?”
“I wish I did not. But I cannot lie. I am a man, with a man’s needs and desires. What I want to know is who was responsible.”
“I will not say. What is important is that, if you truly love her, you must help her to heal, to come to terms with what happened to her, and then, mayhap, you will both lead a life of intimacy and happiness.”
He shook his head. “I cannot marry her.”
The Abbess looked up at William, stunned.
“You cannot?” she repeated.
“No. It is not what she wants.”
“Maybe, at present, but it’s what she needs.”
He shook his head.
“Then why are you here, William? I’d assumed it was to consider how best to woo Alice?”
“Alice isn’t a child to be wooed or not. She’s a grown woman with a heart and mind of her own. And one which I respect. She says she doesn’t want me, and I must abide by that.”
“She said those very words?”
“Aye, she did.”
The Abbess grunted. “Then, she’s more determined than I thought.” The Abbess stared at him. “She must love you more than I believed.”
William frowned. “She does not. That is the point, my lady. She will not have me because she does not love me enough.”
“Ah, William. I believe you underestimate her.”
He shook his head and rose. “I came here to make sure that you can take her. She’s determined to come, and I cannot stand in her way any longer.”
“She can come if she wishes. She would have made a better wife, but she’ll make an excellent healer and nun, too.”
William rose, grieved that his mission had been successful. “I will bring her to you this day.”
He bowed and left the chamber, his heart heavier than when he’d first arrived.
As he approached Wanham Castle, he passed beneath a tree, and his horse whinnied and reared, as a lad dropped from the tree and stood in their tracks. By the time William controlled his horse, he realized it was no lad, but his sister, Lora.
“Lora! What were you doing up there?”
“Waiting for you!”
“You look like a hoyden. You have leaves in your hair, and your breeches are covered in mud. And I thought Katherine had forbidden you to wear breeches.”
Lora shrugged and gave a cheeky smile, which always made people forget their anger. “I was playing with the dogs. Anyway, you took longer than I thought. Where did you go?”
“To the Abbey.”
She groaned and swung a stick at some long grass. “So, she’s really going.”
For all her tomboyish ways, Lora had an empathy for people and animals, which went beyond the usual. “It’s what she wants.”
“She doesn’t really. Don’t you see? She’s worried about you. I think she’s frightened of men. I’ve seen her as they approach her. She hides behind her deafness. I don’t think she’s as deaf as she appears.”
William opened his eyes wide. He thought Lora had probably more insight into Alice’s mind than Alice did. He shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is that she’s determined to become a nun and live at the Priory. I’ve been to see the Abbess this morning, and she supports her decision.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m going back to the castle and I’ll escort Alice to the Priory when she wishes to leave.”
“She’s all packed up,” said Lora miserably.
“Then, I will retrace my steps.” He mounted his horse again. “Do you want a ride to the castle?”
She shook her head. “No. I can’t bear to see her go.”
“Nor can I, but we must. It is what she wants. And God knows she’s had little enough of what she wants in her life.”
He looked back to see Lora retreating into the marshes, like the wild girl she was. He turned forward again and rode hard to the castle.
Alice was waiting for him, her back to the fire, her bags, and cloak in readiness.
“William,” she greeted him.
He forced himself to stand apart from her. But every inch felt magnified as if she were far away already. “The Abbess has agreed.”
The knife that was already in his heart twisted as he saw Alice’s relief to his words. She nodded. “Good.” She looked up at him, her cool demeanor restraining all that he knew would be going on inside of her. “Then it is time to leave.”
With his heart breaking, William took the horse from the stable lad and walked it over to the block where Alice mounted her palfrey before he jumped onto his own. With only Warin for company, they set forth to the Priory, to the place which would swallow his Alice whole and never let her go again. Taking with her the only things that had ever had any meaning to his heart. But sometimes it seemed that to love someone, meant that you had to embrace a broken heart for you loved that person more than yourself.
They trotted slowly up the lane, neither of them looking left or right, only straight on. Only straight on because if he didn’t, he thought he might release the roar of anguish, which was building inside of him. And he couldn’t do that.
So with each silent mile, he pushed back the tide of emotion until it was stopped, deep inside where he would never see it, or experience it again. He’d make sure of that. Because to do otherwise was too painful. He could fight men to the death, he could weather any amount of discomfort or ills, but there was only one place he was vulnerable—his heart. But he knew that he’d have to fight this battle daily, to ensure his heart remained iron-clad.
Chapter 9
Alice had been at the Priory over a week, and a sense of peace was still eluding her.
It wasn’t as if she was doing anything different. With the change in seasons, various sicknesses had sprung up as was usual, and Alice’s healing skills were in demand.
That morning she’d gone for a walk in the Priory grounds, searching for mint to help with a patient’s stomach pains. Eventually, she found some in a sheltered part of the gardens. It had been still, no one around, and Alice had sat on a stone bench and tried to find the peace which continued to evade her. But, as she allowed the stillness to surround her, she found no sense of peace, that there was no soothing to be had. Instead, voices had popped into the silence. Voices and images—of William touching her hair, of William glancing at her with such heat that it took her breath away, and of William, the hurt in his eyes palpable as he watched her leave.
She shook her head and jumped up from the bench, trying to rid her mind and soul of images of him. But they refused to leave. Instead, others had been added: Katherine, Lora, Celestria, laughing, their dramatic antics, steadiness, but above all, love, inhabiting the corners of her mind, and refusing to leave.
Her painful reveries were interrupted by the appearance of the Abbess’s assistant with an invitation. Invitations to visit the Abbess were rarely received.
Alice wondered if someone else could be ill. She gathered her basket and herbs and hurried behind the nun. The Abbess wasn’t used to being kept waiting.
Alice was escorted into the Abbess’s private solar. The Abbess looked up from her work, and dismissed her secretary with a wave of the hand.
She waited until they were alone before offering Alice a seat by the fire where some refreshments had been laid out. “Please take a seat and eat some of the cake. It is spiced with cinnamon and other spices brought from the East for me.”
Alice didn’t doubt it. It seemed the Abbess’s contacts stretched all over the known world, and probably beyond that too.
“Thank you, my lady, but I am not hungry.”
The Abbess shrugged and re-arranged her fine robes.
“And how have you settled in?” she asked as she took a sip of her wine. “Well, I hope?”
Alice blinked. Few people were granted audiences
with the Abbess, who was a powerful person, but, for some reason, the Abbess wanted to know something from her.
“The Priory is a beautiful, tranquil place, my lady. It would be a strange person who didn’t settle in such surroundings.” She hoped that would suffice the polite inquiry.
The Abbess grunted in a tone Alice couldn’t comprehend. She looked at Alice and gave a brief smile. “You were ever a clever girl. When you used to come here as a little girl with your aunt, you couldn’t get enough of our books and papers. You had a keen thirst for knowledge.”
Alice felt her eyes light up at the memories of those happy days. “I’d never been anywhere where those were so many interesting things to learn.”
“No, I daresay your family life wasn’t very stimulating. And then, later.” She gave Alice a perceptive glance. “You still couldn’t get enough learning, but for different reasons. You wished to escape.”
Alice swallowed. She hated talking about her past, but the Abbess was one of the only people who knew all of it. She’d had no choice at the time but to seek refuge there.
The Abbess leaned forward. “And that was what you needed at the time. But what I want to know, now, Alice, is if you’re still seeking to escape. Because that is not why we are here. If you wish to live as a nun that is a positive choice, not a negative one. You must want this life with all your heart. Tell me what is in your heart.”
“My heart…” Alice trailed off and looked away, unable to meet the Abbess’s piercing gaze. She felt that, if she did, she wouldn’t need to speak, that the Abbess would read the contents of her heart. She swallowed. “I cannot imagine living outside of here.”
“That is not what I asked.”
The silence lengthened as the Abbess patiently waited for a reply. It didn’t look as if Alice was going to avoid answering the question honestly. She turned and met her gaze.
“My heart has been captured by a man.”
Honoring his Lady: A Medieval Romance (Norfolk Knights Book 5) Page 9
