I did. His eyes were shimmering, but now that I was looking at them, I could see that it wasn’t just the light from the lake on his dark eyes.
They were shimmering with tears.
I relaxed, all of my resolve crumbling. “I see you.”
For some reason, that word hung heavy in the air between us. An instinct in me compelled me to say it again. “I… I see you.”
Then he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his neck, and his lips came to mine.
No! My mind screamed, but that voice flung far back in my mind as soon as I got another taste of him. There was some reason I didn’t want to do this; something that told me this was wrong, that I was losing ground, that I was making myself vulnerable to Jon Preston and it was a terrible, terrible mistake.
But I forgot everything.
Our lips collided, merging us.
This kiss felt different than the one outside the band room. Back in that hallway, that one was sloppy and filled with lust. It was a shot in the dark, an experiment.
But this one felt…
Well, it felt deeper. More deliberate. He was kissing me, instead of kissing at me.
I didn’t know there was a difference until just now.
He tilted his head and deepened our kiss, but kept his tongue in his mouth.
Jon was reluctant.
He was letting me take the lead.
Slowly, I pressed my tongue past his lips.
He groaned with pleasure.
I kept my hands on the wheel as I moved and melted around his lips.
Sure, everywhere except this little world we shared, Jon was in control.
But here? Here, he was a newbie.
Here, I was the leader.
And in that instant, I knew that I could say anything and he would do it.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to take advantage of this dude-bro jock.
Because I remembered my first time…
I pulled away from the kiss.
Jon lingered there, his eyes fluttered closed as if he’d just tasted the best thing in the world, and he wanted to savor it; remember it forever.
I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I had to protect myself.
I knew I could have gone in for another kiss. I could have released resistance and had fun with him, but there was something else in his kiss that I’d tasted which gave me pause:
Pain. He was in pain.
And even though it would have been so sweet to take revenge and play with his heart, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Instead, I asked, “Why?”
The delicate word hung in the air like a wish. I didn’t even know what I was asking ‘why’ to, all I knew was that it needed to be asked.
Jon could have feigned ignorance. He could have taken the standard asshole route and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
But to his credit, he didn’t. He blinked a few times and said, “…I don’t know.”
The tone he used was different than his usual ‘I’m an alpha in control’ tone. It was softer; more vulnerable. Like a little boy who’d lost his way.
I looked over at him to see and make sure those tawny eyes were still there.
They were. They’d always been there, watching me in the halls of Shady Grove High.
“You have a crush on me,” I guessed, tightening my grip on the wheel. “You’ve always had a crush on me.”
Jon stiffened. “I wouldn’t go that far—”
“Then why?” I asked. “Why have you been bullying me all this time? Since middle school, you’ve done your best to make my life a living hell.”
“I wanted you to go away. I wanted you to leave.” he said softly.
I didn’t know what to say to that, only, “…do you still want me to leave?”
He nodded. “Leave Shady Grove. Leave this town.”
“Fuck you,” I hissed. “You’ve been trying to get me to go away all this time?”
“Yes,” he said softly.
“So you wouldn’t have to face the fact that you’re gay,” I said.
He stiffened at that. “I’m not gay.”
“You just said you were,” I pointed out.
“I’m—! I’m just confused, is all,” he explained, running a hand over his face.
Disappointment crashed through me like a stampede of wild horses. “You know what? I’m done here. I’m done with you.”
I turned on the Prius and my iPod resumed, filling the cab with Fall Out Boy’s Thnks Fr Th Mmrs. “You either figure out what you want and stop acting like a complete asshat, or you leave me alone. But I’m not going to play gay therapist until then.”
I knew what would happen if I kept playing this little game with Jon. I’d read enough gay romance novels to know that getting involved with a closeted straight man was a huge waste of time where everyone ended up getting hurt.
It was a lose-lose situation. And I didn’t like the odds with Jon Preston.
No matter how beautiful he was.
No matter how his tawny eyes shone in this light, or how his biceps bulged.
But as I drove him back home and he left my car, I remembered one thing more than any of that:
The vulnerability in his kiss.
“Don’t ever talk to me again,” he snarled as he got out of my car.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re acting like I’m the one who asked you out late at night.”
He went to slam my door, then paused. “You know what? You’re just jealous because I have everything you want.”
I scrunched up my face, gave him a slow once-over, and lied through my teeth. “I don’t want anything you could ever give me.”
And with that, he slammed my door and stormed across the lawn.
Once he was out of sight, I let out a breath and started driving home in the darkness, feeling angry.
There was something about anger that always felt so… so tight. Like the emotions were condensed; packed into a tight, heavy ball.
I could feel that ball in my chest. I could feel it threaten to gain more weight, pull my thoughts into an orbit around it.
I gritted my teeth with frustration.
Jon Preston said one thing, then acted a different way. He had this whole jock bully front at school, but then came apart in my car tonight. And that kiss…
Was that the real him?
God, men were so frustrating!
As I pointed the Prius back down the dirt road to where I belonged, I resolved to stay as far away from Jon Preston as possible. He just had too many issues, and hell, I was still trying to figure out all my own issues.
When I got to the two-lane road, I obeyed the stop sign and paused.
The engine sputtered off.
Silly electric vehicle, trying to save gas…
I could turn right into the darkness. Go home through that tunnel of trees, back to my ranch house. Mom would be in the basement watching TV, and my sister Kelly would be in her room on her computer. I could definitely sneak in unnoticed.
But there was something inside me that didn’t want to go back there. Not yet.
Somehow, going home would be admitting defeat to whatever power struggle just happened.
I turned my head to the right, where I knew my spot was.
The place I went after school sometimes to smoke weed. The place that was wholly and undoubtedly mine.
I’d never been there at night before—I thought it might be too dangerous. But right now, I was in a fuck-everything sort of mood, so I turned my car and drove into the night.
Maybe, just maybe, I could sit in my spot and finally get some semblance of clarity.
Maybe if I had a quiet place to parse through all these thoughts in my head, something useful would sift to the surface.
I drove around aimlessly for a while, enjoying the quiet of the night and turning up my music. I knew in this part of town, deer would sometimes gallop across the road, so I went slow. I was fully under
the understanding that I was in their territory, not the other way around.
If I hit one by going too fast, that would be my fault.
I lingered on the country roads for an hour or so and rolled down the windows, feeling the cool night air on my face.
There was nothing like a night drive…
Every time I blinked, I saw Jon’s eyes reflecting the moonlight off the lake like that.
He’d cried.
Big bad jock Jon Preston had cried in front of me.
But he hadn’t cried for me, and I knew that was an important distinction to make. It snuffed out the ember of hope that had started to flare in my chest.
He’d cried for himself.
I grimaced as I pulled into the parking lot near my spot.
If I lived in an alternate reality where Jon was a little more mature, maybe, just maybe, there would be a chance for us.
But would I even want that?
I killed the engine and Animal I have Become by Three Days Grace fell quiet, replaced with the gentle chirping of crickets.
I opened the door, swung my legs out, and walked over to the edge of the quarry.
This was the forbidden area that fed the lake. The deep, dangerous body of water that no one in Shady Grove was supposed to see. Faded No Trespassing signs dotted the landscape, but I knew that no one checked anyway. They just didn’t want anyone swimming.
And I did not attend to swim in that deep, inky water.
All I wanted to do was sit on my pipe and stare into it for a while.
I took a step in the darkness, parting the underbrush nearby. I knew that big pipe was around here somewhere, and I could sit on its edge in peace—
I caught the sound of hushed voices nearby.
One of them sounded familiar...
My senses were on high alert. I changed direction and crept closer to the sound.
I was used to sneaking around—it came with the territory of being an emo kid. And hell, I’d practiced sneaking around enough back when my parents got divorced and everything went to shit. When I was a kid, I’d sneak downstairs and hide behind a big chair, listen in on their conversations, and try to predict what would happen to my sister and me in the aftermath.
I could never have foreseen what actually went down and how much pain it caused my family…
The voices grew louder.
My footsteps got quieter. A small campfire glowed in the distance like a beacon.
Then I heard my name and stopped.
Fuck. I’d stumbled upon the four assholes of Shady Grove!
Kyle, Terry, Phil, and…
Jon.
And they were all talking…
About me.
4
Jon
“Yeah that kid’s weird as shit,” Kyle said. “You’ve seen him in the halls. Trailer trash, greasy hair, looks like his family doesn’t own a shower.”
“Shut up,” I said, my voice slurring on the syllables. My fingers dug into the smooth edge of the Miller Lite can.
Phil’s calculating eyes went to me, then my hand.
I took another swig, almost daring him to say what was on his mind.
“Why are you defending him? He’s just a loser. Probably going to stay in this town forever—” Kyle said.
I knew Kyle was insecure about being stuck in this town. His family wasn’t well off either. The rumor was, his dad was up to his eyeballs in debt, and they couldn’t afford to send him to college.
He depended on getting a scholarship almost as much as I did.
Though Kyle had it easier, because he was smart. He could read shit, and he had decent grades.
I was just a big, dumb basketball player. And shit, I was gay, too.
I couldn’t get the kiss with Victor out of my mind. I couldn’t get the blowjob from Victor out of my mind, either.
How good it felt. I mean, sure, it felt good with his tight little lips wrapped around my cock. But it felt even better just being near him.
Just being able to be myself, for once. To shrug off everything I was expected to do, everything I was expected to be, and forget.
All I wanted to do was forget.
I took another swig of beer.
God, it tasted like piss, but all of my buddies were drinking it, so I guessed this was the thing to do.
Kyle looked at me with suspicion in his eyes. I knew from experience that he’d keep chipping away at me until I cracked.
I wouldn’t crack. I was iron.
As soon as Kyle opened his mouth again though, Phil spoke up in his soft voice. “Cut it out.”
I raised an eyebrow and felt a rush of appreciation.
“Cut what out?” Kyle said, taking a hearty swig and throwing his can in the fire with a clack.
The flames drank the rest of his beer with a hiss.
“Quit with your negative shit. It’s giving me a headache.”
“Or what?! You wanna go, bro?”
Phil shot him a come-on sort of look.
Kyle puffed out his chest and stepped toward Phil.
“Really?” he drawled.
“I’m just saying. I can talk about whatever I want, whoever I want. I own this school—”
“You’re drunk,” I said, irritation bleeding into my voice.
Kyle turned to me. “You’re gay!”
A ripple of fear ran through me. I knew he was just using that term as a benign insult, and he didn’t know it was the truth. But still, he was circling over the top of the truth with a metal detector.
“Fuck you, you’re gay,” I fired back. Even the fake accusation tasted bitter on my tongue.
It didn’t feel right. None of this felt right.
Terry looked up from his glowing phone screen in the corner. “Guys. Please.”
“What, like you have anything to say here,” Kyle snapped.
Terry’s eyes flicked up from his phone again. “Watch it.”
“Watch what? The fact that I’m surrounded by a bunch of faggots?”
Me, Terry, and Phil all looked at him at the same time.
“You’re cut off,” Phil said coldly. “Words like that aren’t welcome here.”
Kyle scrunched up his face. “I’m fucking tired of your bullshit, Phil. You sit there like a fucking spider and manipulate everyone. Don’t think I can’t see it! I know what you’re doing—!”
“Calm down,” he said, his voice cool.
My eyes snapped to the beer can near his foot, unopened.
“Don’t tell me to calm down!”
The atmosphere, which, up until this point, had been relaxed, shifted to something darker. Tenser.
I wanted to punch Kyle in the jaw. I wanted to make him shut up. I knew he was just being a drunk asshole, and he’d probably regret everything he said in the morning, but that didn’t make it acceptable.
But he didn’t stop there. “I can’t believe you all don’t see it!” he cried to the night, then jabbed an accusational finger at me. “Jon’s gay as shit! For real!”
Even the crickets went silent.
I took another swig of my beer and tried my best to look unaffected.
Kyle kept going on. “When’s the last time any of you saw him with a girl?”
“Just because I’m not a manwhore like you doesn’t mean I’m gay,” I said, my voice going low. “It’s almost like you’re trying to prove something, Kyle.”
I knew I was fighting dirty, but he’d hit me below the belt. I couldn’t stop myself from flinging mud back at him.
“Don’t turn this around back on me,” he said, his eyes round and wild in the firelight. “You’ve got a hard-on for that loser kid!”
“Victor’s not a loser,” I said, the words sliding out of my mouth before I could stop them. “He’s actually pretty smart. Hell, he knows how to do a lot more stuff than you do. He can play an instrument. He beats your score in math class every time. He’s kind.” I thought of the bandaid in the bathroom all those weeks ago. “When’s the last time you
did anything extraordinary, Kyle?”
There was silence around the fire. All eyes were on me.
Then, as if it took a few seconds for my words to sink in, Kyle flew into a rage and lunged at me.
Phil caught him around the waist. I hadn’t even seen him get up from the chair.
“I’m taking you home,” he said in a bored tone, as if he was doing nothing more than reigning in an unruly pet.
“Don’t you fucking tell me where I can and can’t be—!”
“Shut up. You killed the fun.”
I was amazed at the way Phil was handling Kyle. It was almost like he was used to putting people like that in their place.
Momentarily, it made me wonder about Phil’s home environment. I knew he had a bunch of younger brothers and sisters. Maybe he was just treating Kyle like one of his younger siblings.
“I’m calling it a night,” Phil said. “At least, for me. I don’t care how long you two stay out here. Just make sure you put that fire out when you’re done.”
“Yes dad,” I mocked.
But there was something uneasy in the air after the words left my mouth. So I tried to repair it.
“…thanks.”
“No problem,” Phil said, still restraining a struggling Kyle.
Kyle jerked his arm from Phil’s grip. “Let go, you fag!”
Then in a low, calm voice, Phil said, “You will come with me or I will fuck your sister.”
Kyle stiffened.
Hell, we all stiffened. It was common knowledge that Kyle’s sister had been after Phil for years. He’d always refused, out of respect for Kyle. But if he suddenly decided he was interested, she’d be on his cock in less than two seconds, and we all knew it.
So, Kyle, defeated but still fuming, turned and followed Phil through the trees, their footsteps crunching on the dry leaves.
Awkwardness settled around the fire pit, but at least the crickets resumed their chirping.
Terry was back to his phone, and I was looking into the flames, trying not to think about Victor. Then I guess Terry decided he’d had enough of the awkwardness, because he got up, stretched, and said, “I’m turning in. You got the fire?”
“Yeah, bro. I’m gonna stay out here a bit longer.”
He cocked his head a little.
He knew it was strange for me to want to be alone; usually I was always hanging around one of them.
Jon From High School Page 4
