by Samantha Bee
I shake my head in denial and can't help the smile that sneaks out when I feel his chest rumble with his amusement. "When are you going to learn about lying to me?" I shrug but don't move out from under his arms. He kisses the top of my head and some of the tension bleeds out of me. It's an affectionate gesture but not one sexual in nature. Declan has been nothing but a supportive friend the last few weeks and I couldn't appreciate him more for it.
"You know, it doesn't make you weak to miss them. It just means you have feelings."
I huff, "Fuck feelings."
He laughs. "Whatever you say, pretty girl. Are you at least going to tell me what has you panicking, then?"
I finally pull out of his arms and look up at him. I weigh this with myself one more time, going back and forth on the pros and cons. I've already come to my decision, but I still hesitate in letting the words pass my lips. Not because I don't trust Declan, but because it's still hard for me to open up. He's slowly been making it easier for me, but it feels like it will never not be a struggle to hand over a piece of myself. And this. This is the biggest piece of myself. The most important piece of myself.
"I have a secret," I whisper as I completely separate from him. I look up at him though my eyelashes, but he just laughs at my dramatic proclamation. I snort too. I've never realized just how theatrical I can be. I guess it shouldn't totally surprise me though.
"You have a lot of secrets," he teases.
I smile, already feeling less panicked now that he's here. "True, but I'm sharing this one with you."
He raises his brows and waits me out. Ugh, I hate how he does this. I've always been strong with mental games and manipulation, or so I thought, anyways. But this fucker quickly figured out if he just stays silent, I'll start spewing word vomit like some little bitch. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck I've become either. It's gross.
I sigh, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to say the words I've never actually spoken to anyone before. I meet D's blue eyes and smile. "I have a daughter." Something splits open inside me at the confession. This whole time Rowan has been calling me Momma or Mommy, but I've never had the occasion to call her my daughter.
Pride and love fill me as I think about the pure ray of sunshine in my life. Declan is smiling back down at me and it almost seems like pride is shining in his own eyes but I'm not sure why he would feel that way. The shock is also clear though.
Before he has a chance to ask any questions though I continue. "I'm going to see her today and I want you to come with me."
This time he isn't able to contain his reaction, his mouth drops open as he looks at me. "Are you sure?"
I nod. "Full disclosure, I'm probably a shitty mom." He throws his head back and cackles, but I can't say I wholly understand why, I wasn't exactly joking. "I'm being serious," I half laugh. "I haven't been one for very long and I feel like I'm already messing things up."
He stops laughing and looks down at my stomach and his nose scrunches the way it does when he's trying to figure something out. This time I'm the one who starts laughing unexpectedly. I catch my breath before I'm able to explain to him. "She's four, almost five. I adopted her," I trail off, knowing that's not wholly accurate. "Kind of."
I shake my head at myself. Rowan is so wrapped up in all the other secrets I have to keep from Declan, but it just didn't feel right keeping this huge part to myself. I don't want to feel like she's a secret. There have been so many times that I've opened my mouth to say something about her and have had to cut myself off, realizing he doesn't know about her. I don't want to have to continue doing that.
He stays silent and just waits for me to work through my emotions on my own and figure out how to tell him what I want to. Being friends with Declan has been so easy because he seems to intuitively know when to push me and when to give me space. I don't know how he got so good at reading me so quickly, or if I've just been more open as Scarlett than I ever was as Scar. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it.
I could use the cover story the guys came up with for her but even that just doesn't feel right. Instead, I just leave it at the bare minimum with no details. "She decided I was her mom, and I was so wrapped around her finger, I didn't argue." I smile as I think about it. Even at such a young age, Roe is already a force to be reckoned with. "I'm not really in the place to give her what she needs though. So, she's set up with a couple that I'm close with. She calls me Momma though and I've accepted that place in her life."
I take a deep breath and prepare myself to finish my admission, not something I had planned to include but can't seem to stop myself now. I don't think it's something I had fully accepted until this moment, but something about Declan's presence helps me sort my shit out. "I'm going to figure out the mess I'm in. I'm going to fix it to my standards and I'm going to do it sooner rather than later. I'm going to fix it all so I can be the mom she deserves and I'm going to keep her with me."
He stays silent for several moments, causing me to start getting twitchy. If he thinks I'm being dumb he won't hesitate to call me out. "This is part of why you ran?"
I shrug. It wasn't a solid reason why, but it was part of why I was so frustrated about them holding me back. Taking out Romano and his entire organization will make Roe's life safer. I don't think I'll ever be able to be a normal mom, not after everything I've been through, but I think I could be a good one. I think I can love Roe, maybe not the way she deserves, but I can do my best. I never want to have to let her go again, never want to be separated from her. But how the fuck can I do that if we are constantly at the edge of war? Better to get the war over with. Even if it's a battle I have to fight alone.
"Alright then, let's go see your daughter." He smiles down at me and reaches his hand out. I grab my purse from behind me before taking his hand and heading out the door. He locks up behind us and I inhale the clean air, heavy with the cool moisture that signifies it's going to rain. I love when it rains. I hope we get some thunder and lightning too.
"Her name is Rowan." I grin.
He returns my smile and brushes some of my hair behind my ear. "It's a beautiful name."
The drive to Joe's isn't too long and I mostly talk his ear off about some of the stories that have been on the tip of my tongue so many times about her, but I've always had to stop myself. He laughs as I tell him about what a little hellraiser she already is.
I don't wait for him when we pull up to the house, instead jumping out and walking straight to the door. His legs are so damn long, he's able to catch up to me before I even reach the door. Joe knows I'm coming so I don't bother to knock before just walking into the house. I'm immediately greeted by the smell of cinnamon and I know Roe must have talked Charlene into making cinnamon rolls again. I swear that girl is so obsessed with them, she's going to turn into one, one of these days.
"Roe baby," I call out, but I can hear the little pitter patter of her feet before I even finish calling out her nickname. She comes around the corner hot, her blue Elsa pajama dress flowing behind her, a huge grin on her face. "Momma!" she screams as she launches herself into my arms.
I start laughing as I catch her and stumble back a step. Declan puts his hands on my hips to stabilize me as Roe climbs up my body and wraps her little arms around my neck. I look over my shoulder and smile in thanks to him. Damn, this girl is getting heavy. She's going to take me out one of these days.
She pulls back and smacks a wet kiss on my lips. "I missed you, Momma." I kiss her forehead before tickling her belly. "I missed you too, Roe baby." She gives me giggles which has quickly become one of my favorite sounds ever.
I saw her just yesterday at our lesson with Lila but any time away from her is too much time. Learning the silks with her has been a highlight of my time away from the guys. Better than anything else I've accomplished so far. Even with all the kills and destruction I've managed. Those small moments with Rowan beat it all.
"Roe, this is my friend Declan. Remember I told you about him?"
She pul
ls away from me to look him up and down, carefully assessing him in a way that no four-year-old should be capable of doing. Even though the reason behind it makes my blood boil, watching his reaction makes my own chuckle escape my lips. She hasn't said a word yet and the sass is already obvious. She doesn't spare a glance for me as she continues her perusal. Finally, she nods to herself. "Tacos."
I start cracking up. Of course that's the only thing she locked in on when I told her about him. This kid has a one track mind. "Yes, maybe if you ask nicely, he will take us to get the best ever tacos." She looks back at me and considers my words. I know Declan had no idea that's exactly what she was asking for when she demanded tacos, but I see the amusement as his eyebrow twitches at my words.
"D, be my friend and bring me tacos?"
"Roe," I scold, halfheartedly. "What are you forgetting?"
She huffs. "Please bring me tacos."
I try not to laugh but it's fucking hard. "You're supposed to ask, not tell."
She nods to herself. "Oh right, will you please bring me tacos?"
He laughs and gives her a high five. "I would love to be your friend and bring you tacos, Rosie Posie."
I smile. That's an adorable as fuck nickname. It fits her perfectly. She grins at me. "I like him, Mommy. Can we keep him?"
Dear lord. She sounds just like Kade. How has he rubbed off on her so damn quickly? Joe told me they started coming by to see her again a couple weeks ago. I know they tried to watch Joe’s house to intercept me, but they forgot I still have access to all their trackers. They stopped trying after a few days and don’t stop by as often as I'm here, only every couple of days or so. I just always make sure to check their whereabouts before I come here. I'm glad she isn't losing them, but I don't know where we are supposed to go from here. I've really made a mess of things, but I'm not sure what to do next.
Just then, Joe walks into the room. I put Roe down as we all head into the living room. I gave Joe a head's up that Declan would be coming so he isn't surprised as I introduce the two of them to each other. Joe is giving me his judgy eyes though and I sigh, already knowing I'm about to get another lecture.
Trying to deflect I start asking Rowan a bunch of questions to get her talking. The distraction works for a little while as Declan and her get to know each other. Every time she pats his knee as she explains something to him makes me smile. Already such a little boss.
"Don't think that's going to work long term, Scarlett," Joe's deep, raspy voice drawls as he pins me with that stare of his. I flinch, already knowing he's got his whole ass lecture planned out. Fuck me. Are we sure he isn't my actual dad? Because in this moment it sure as hell feels like he is.
Declan doesn't miss the exchange and is smirking at me even as he plays with and teases Roe. She's currently trying to teach him how to do a fist bump. Something the twins and Trevor just taught her last week. Declan looks perplexed by the whole thing but is still managing to radiate his smug ass attitude towards me.
Fucker.
I roll my eyes and shrug at Joe, not knowing what else to do. He's been trying to have this conversation with me for weeks now and I've been managing to put him off every time I visit but I know he's determined today.
"When are you going to stop this and talk to them?"
I throw a glance at Roe before glaring at Joe. "I have nothing left to say."
"We both know that's bullshit," he argues back.
"Joe," I snap with another pointed look at Roe.
He laughs. "Stop deflecting. We've all heard you say worse in front of her." He’s not wrong but that's beside the point. I'm her mom, it's my right to fuck her up a little bit. Ugh, I guess he could say the same things as her Pops.
"Roe baby," a sweet voice calls from the kitchen that I recognize as Charlene's. She appears in the doorway and I don't like the look on her face. I'm getting the distinct impression I'm about to be ganged up on. "Hello, Scarlett," she says, and I grimace at her tone. She's entirely too smug and she full named me. I'm totally fucked.
"Roe, the cinnamon rolls are done. Do you want to help put the icing on?"
Ahh fuck. I don't even have to look at my girl to know she's launching herself across the room. There goes my only shield from this conversation. I've been set up.
As soon as they both disappear around the corner I slump back into the couch and huff. "There isn't anything to talk about, Joe. It was a mistake for all of us to ever let it go as far as it did."
He sighs. "Scarlett Everhart. You know I love you like a daughter but you're acting like a damn brat."
I gasp and stare back at him. I smack Declan against the chest as he chuckles.
"That's not fair," I argue. I throw a look at Declan before focusing back on Joe. "They were interfering with the only true purpose I've had for the last eight years. They forced me to make a choice, they just aren't happy with the one I made."
"So they let their fears get the best of them. Is that not exactly what you're guilty of as well?"
I don't like how much sense that makes. I don't like the feelings growing in my chest at the thought of them. I hate that I can't lock them down in a deep vault and forget they fucking exist. I don't want these emotions running through me. I don't want to feel this ache. I don't fucking like feeling this volatile and out of control.
"I've accomplished more on my own than I ever did with them."
Declan grins. "Deflection." Fucking asshole.
Joe chuckles. "He's not wrong and you know that wasn't exactly a fair statement either."
I shrug, having nothing more to say about it. Joe sighs again, running his fingers through his salt and pepper hair. "Come on, girlie. Have you even thought about how what you're doing is affecting them?"
My head snaps to him. "What the fuck do you mean?"
He pins me with those warm brown eyes of his and it feels like I've been slapped. I can see the tinge of disappointment as he assesses me. "You're a smart woman, what do you think they've been dealing with since you went full force?" I feel my chest tighten, the thought of them still suffering from my actions suffocating me. "Did you really think it wouldn't bounce back on them? That just because you weren't present, they would be in the clear?" He scoffs and I can barely breathe. "You're smarter than that, girl. I know you are."
"Are they okay?" I barely manage to force the words past the tightness in my throat. Declan's eyes soften as he observes me, and I can tell he wants to pull me closer but doesn't know if he should with Joe here. I lean towards him and grab his hand. I grip his hand tightly in my own, finding strength from just knowing he's here.
Joe looks back and forth between us with a frown before leveling me with a look. "They're not hurt," he hesitates, looking at Declan again. I give him a slight shake of my head. Joe briefly nods but continues anyways. "They're fighting this war just as much as you are. The only difference between now and then is that you guys aren't working together."
He shakes his head. "Girlie, you're making this more dangerous for yourself but for them as well."
My hand jerks in Declan's but he just holds it tighter. "Then tell them to get out," I hiss at Joe. "This isn't their fight. Tell them to make nice and walk the fuck away. They have no skin in the game. Not anymore."
He scoffs like my words are an impossibility, but they shouldn't be. I walked away. I left them in the dark. Luca and Kade were so dead set on making things right and peaceful with fucking Romano, let them. My rage rears up and electricity lights me up through every nerve in my body, the anger taking over all thoughts I had about them. "Tell them to sell me out if they have to. I don't give a fuck. I don't need them."
"You're only lying to yourself," Joe says, but the heat is no longer in his tone. He hangs his head in defeat like he really doesn't want to push me so far away I walk out of his life too. Would I? Could I?
I don't think so. Not when he has Rowan, it's not like I could take her with me. My anger isn't quick to diffuse though. Not when Joe reminded me of Luca and
Kade’s betrayal. All of their promises went down the drain as soon as it was time to make good on them. I may have run but they ran first.
I feel my pain and anger like a beast consuming my very soul, leaving none of the guilt or ache in this moment. Declan sees it and quickly moves closer to me as he gently strokes my hair. I slowly reign in my temper, drifting back down from the reckless energy that constantly threatens to rip me away from reality. I feel back in control as I meet Joe's concerned gaze.
"Can we please just not talk about them? Tell them to forget I ever existed."
He shakes his head. "You know they won't do that."
I refuse to meet his eyes as I let out my own sigh. "Well, they should."
Declan squeezes my hand again before starting up a conversation with Joe so I can aimlessly drift through my own thoughts for a minute or two. I run through the entire fight with Kade again. I think about the harsh words Luca spit at me that led to the fight. Romano's face fills my vision. Images of Jade and Rowan. They were in such bad fucking shape when we got them.
Jade and I have grown closer. I've continued her training and still see her a few times a week even now. She swears not to ever bring it up to any of the guys, even though she rarely ever sees them now that we aren't training together. I wonder if the guys have continued their training. Nope.
Doesn't matter.
Their refusal to act didn't just hurt me. It was a betrayal to them too and they've quickly become two of the most important people in my life. They're hurting every single girl still out there who is in his clutches, vulnerable with no one to defend them. I'm no one's fucking hero, but I refuse to sit back and let evil continue to poison our world. Romano doesn't deserve to live and as soon as I weaken his empire enough to leave him defenseless, I'll be slipping into his bedroom to end him once and for all. I won't stop, won't give up, not until he's the vulnerable one, defenseless to my anger.
The smell of strawberries finally snaps me out of my daze, I look down and meet Roe's excited eyes and all the doubts, anger, and even fear flees as I look into those bright blue-green eyes.
