by Samantha Bee
Not that we can talk about it with the kids present though.
I snuggle a little more into Roe, trying to gain some comfort from my little girl. My daughter. It blows my mind that I've accepted this role for her, but it warms something in me. Having Roe gives me the strength to be everything the guys deserve. Or at least try to be. I'll never be perfect. I'll never be the doting girlfriend, whole, and happy. Fuck. I'm too damaged, too entrenched in my sins to ever be what they truly deserve.
Should I let Noah go? I study him from under my lashes. How did he and the guys become so close? I need to find out, but I should give him his chance to walk away. He doesn't know what he's getting involved in by sticking close to me. He doesn't know who he was sleeping with. If I truly want to do this, want to open myself up to them, actually be with them, he needs the truth.
They all need the whole truth of who I am, what I've done, what I'm determined to still do. Can anyone love someone with a soul as dark as mine?
Fuck if I know.
We sit there and play with the kids for a little bit, but I can't keep my eyes off of Noah. I can't keep my mind in the present, letting it wonder to all the what ifs and what is actually the best way to handle this. Declan told me to respect them enough to let them make their own decisions but even he doesn't know who he befriended.
Fuck.
I'm still just as confused as I was before this. Maybe even more now because I want all of them. I don't want to make up with some of them but not others. I want us to be even better than what we were before, closer, stronger, more. Looking back, I realize how good of a thing we had going before I messed it all up but even now trying to make it right, I don't know how to mend together the two halves of my life. The two halves of who I am. Is it even possible?
Can I bring Noah into my darkness without ruining him? Without ruining everything I've come to like about him.
Where does all this leave Declan? How can we be friends if my guys don't accept him? If I don't share the other half of my life? And what about all the others I've grown to come to care about at the same time as the guys were all getting under my skin?
My breathing quickens and I can feel myself starting to panic at the abundance of issues I'm now realizing we are going to have now that I'm open to more with them. How the fuck did I never realize just how hard it was to keep the two halves of my life separate?
My head starts to spin as my doubts race and my thoughts run rampant. I start getting queasy at the uneasy feeling in my gut and the uncertainty of anything in front of me.
A cool hand lands on the slip of bare skin on my back. I focus on it but even that touch doesn't calm my racing heart or erratic thoughts. I glance over and find Noah staring at me with concern in his big blue eyes. Even the care I see there doesn't settle me.
He gently picks Roe up out of my lap and places her next to Kai. I watch as he instantly picks up her hand to hold and shows her how to play a new game they made up.
My eyes start to blur as I focus so hard on their little hands. Trying desperately to stop the thoughts from sending me over the edge but I just can't seem to get a hold of reality.
I've bitten off far more than I can chew. Who the fuck told me that I would be capable of this? Of living a normal life? I don't deserve that. I don't deserve any of these men. Any of the people so intent on caring for me despite my damage. I've realized I need them, want them, but there's no way in hell do I deserve them.
My soul is twisted and wicked. A dark, lost object seeped in the sins that I've stolen from others. I may have once been a part of what was good in this world, but that is no longer true. I was dragged into the pits of hell by the sick fucks that night in my father's office. I've only continued to fall deeper into the chaos as I embraced every ounce of darkness that was thrust upon me. Fallen further and further from the light. Maybe I deserve to be alone as I rot for my own atrocities.
Even if Declan said I need to let them decide how do I do that with him? With Noah? When I have to drag them into the deepest most depraved parts of the world to truly open to them. Fuck if I know what to do. Kade would know what to do. Too bad he hates my guts.
He would probably tell me I deserve to burn for my sins. He wouldn't be wrong either.
Noah deftly scoops me up into his arms and I almost don't even notice except for the sudden weightless feeling. I startle as I look into his eyes again. I go to open my mouth, but he just shakes his head as he pointedly stares at the kids. I give him a small nod before shutting my mouth and lean my head against his shoulder.
Declan's words ring my head once again. Start with an apology. I can't make decisions for any of them. I have to trust them enough for them to know what's best for themselves. I'm only in charge of myself. They've earned my trust, my respect, my vulnerability. I repeat it like a mantra.
I inhale his masculine scent, taking comfort in focusing on all the things I missed about him. His firm touch, delicious smell, caring soul. Fuck. I hope this isn't the last time I get to be close to him. I lean in a little closer to savor it more, just in case. Just in case I don't get to ever feel his brand of calm.
The erratic nature of my thoughts has calmed between the gentle rocking as he walks, Declan's smooth voice in my head, and Noah's clean scent, like spearmint and cotton. I wonder if I can convince him to give me one last kiss goodbye even if he does decide to walk away. I don't know why he wouldn't once he realizes just how black my heart and soul truly are.
We reach the backyard, and the cool air dries the sweat on my skin. I hadn't even realized I'd begun to perspire as my anxiety held me by the throat. I take several deep breaths as I try to find my center of control. Declan has taught me dozens of techniques to cope with my anxiety. Apparently having a doctor around is good for your health. I snort to myself.
Noah looks down and cocks a brow. I smile at him. "Sorry," I murmur.
He chuckles. "Don't be. I missed the way you always seemed to make yourself laugh." He looks up again as he walks, pulling me closer to his chest. "It's better than watching you get lost in the panic."
I nod, not even having to ask how he could tell I was in the grips of a panic attack. I was seconds away from hyperventilating and asking for a paper bag. Do people actually do that? I mean I've never used one. What exactly is the point of it? Is it just to have something to focus on? I should ask Declan.
Noah sets me down and eases me to sit on the swinging bench Charlene bought last week. It sits perfectly to keep an eye on the kids as they run wild in the backyard. You can see all the way to the tree line which the kids aren't allowed to go past anyways.
Noah settles in next to me. I lean my head against his shoulder and see him look down at me from the corner of his eye. "You're different," he says. I can't tell what he thinks about that from his tone of voice.
"Is that a good or bad thing?" I can't keep the insecurity out of my voice. What the fuck is it about these men that makes me so damn unsure of myself. Ever since I decided to let them in, I have no idea how to talk to them, how to be with them. I guess even before that, if I really think about it, I lost all confidence as soon as Kade's words penetrated the haze of numbness that day all those months ago.
He wraps his arm around me, pulling me in closer before he whispers, "I don't know." It feels like my heart stops beating even as he gently strokes my skin, contrasting his words. I swallow but can't bring myself to speak. "I crave to own every piece of you. I want to hold every piece of your shattered soul in my hand. Every deep dark secret, every sin, every fear, every doubt. I want them all."
I pull back as I stare at him in shock, not expecting him to still want me. I see nothing but sincerity shining in his eyes. They're brimming with some unknown emotion to me, but it sends flutters through my body. My mouth parts open and I stare at his lips as they start to move again. "I hate how much pain you seem to be in. I hate the panic that was written into your every feature. I hate watching you fall apart and yet I still crave to break you open so
I can steal every inch of who you are for myself."
I lick my lips, his words sending more of those strange sensations through me. I lean more into him, wanting to feel closer to him, missing the easy acceptance we've always had between us. Missing the casual and affectionate touches, the light flirty teasing. I finally realize what those feelings are, and I feel my cheeks heat in reaction. I have a crush on Noah. Like a silly schoolgirl wanting the high school football star. Noah calls to the piece in me that still craves something good even if I don't deserve it.
"There are so many secrets," I whisper as I still move closer to him. I know if he moves away from me in this moment, a piece of me will die. Without Noah a vital part of who I am will cease to exist. That should scare me. To give someone that much power over me and yet I've realized I've done it with all of them. They've split the broken pieces of who I am and taken them for themselves. It's why I could never be okay without them.
Can I be selfish enough to keep them and my revenge?
How can I have it all?
"I know," he whispers back, and I can hear the gravity of seriousness in his voice. He isn't taking it lightly. He may not know but he clearly has figured out I've been keeping some big things from him. I wonder how much he's worked out for himself.
He leans forward so his lips brush my own as he says it. His eyes meet mine and I watch as they harden into something I've never seen on him before. Something darker and more possessive than I've ever seen. "Every one of your secrets will be mine, baby girl. Even if I have to lie, steal, and manipulate them from you, I will pry them out of you one by one."
Before I have a chance to respond more than a slight gasp as his words send a flash of pure heat through me, his lips press firmly against mine and take what he wants. His kiss reflects his words, hot, possessive, tender with an edge of anger.
He fucks my mouth with his tongue. Caressing me as his tongue slides against my own in a dominating rhythm that makes me press closer to him still.
His big hands slide under my ass and lift me until I'm straddling him on the bench. He kneads my ass and I run my hands up his shoulders and into his hair and I gently tug on it. I lean down into him and try to take control of the kiss, but he chuckles against my lips as he takes my bottom lip in between his teeth and bites down. I moan and writhe in his lap, causing him to chuckle more.
He pulls back and winks at me. "You're not forgiven yet, baby girl." I hang my head and grumble. I knew it wasn't going to be that easy. I still have to give him the option to walk away, even if everything in me protests against the very thought of it.
"Don't give me that," he scolds. "You literally disappeared without a word." His hands leave my ass as he grips my face instead, pulling it up so I look him in his eyes. So much shame fills me as I see the emotion there. "Do you know how fucking terrified I was for you?"
"I'm so sorry," I whisper as my eyes fill with tears at the thought of what I put him through. "I'm so fucking sorry, Noah."
He cradles me against him and gives me a sweet forehead kiss. "I needed to hear those words." I nod against him and just relax in his arms, enjoying the closeness between us. It still shocks me just how much I missed this.
"Sorry doesn't feel like nearly enough," I admit on a whisper.
What I did to Noah was worse than what I did to the others. At least they knew why I disappeared and had a relatively good idea that I was safe. Noah had nothing except "not delivered" notifications and maybe a broken heart.
"Having you back in my arms is enough," he replies before pulling my face back to his and stealing another kiss. "I know you have a lot of secrets. I'm not asking for you to give them to me all right this second. Just give me the chance to earn them. Give me the chance to be your safe space, a calm harbor to land."
His fingers stroke my cheeks reverently and I find myself pushing into his touch. No longer trying to keep any distance between us, even if he doesn't know everything.
"I should give you the chance to walk away," I say as I lay feather light kisses against his fingertips.
He gives me a soft smile even as he starts shaking his head. "There's nothing you could say that would make me walk away. I don't care how dark this gets, how low you fall, if we have to go to the very pits of hell to get what you need. I will be by your side every step of the way."
His cool blue eyes travel over me, studying me in a way he never has before. I stay silent, knowing he's weighing his words, trying to decide how much to give away in this moment. After several quiet moments he releases a long slow breath before smirking. "I think you underestimate just how much I've been able to pick up on from spending time with all of you."
I narrow my eyes at him, not liking the smug attitude radiating off of him right now. "How did you end up with the guys anyways?"
He pins me with his own pointed stare. "Well, you see. Someone I happen to care about a fuck ton just up and disappeared." I flinch but don't bother to defend myself. I also can't help the flicker of warmth that spreads through me at his confession he cares about me. I always knew he did but hearing it, especially now, just hits differently. Feels more monumental.
"I showed up at Luca's doorstep about two weeks after I last heard from you. I was worried something had happened to you when my messages stopped delivering." I run my fingers through his hair in a silent apology for all the hell I put him through. He snuggles me even closer to him and like a rubber band snapping, something else seems to fall in place inside of me. Another worry lifts off my chest. Noah will forgive me, even if not in this exact moment.
"They were all wrecked, and then," he trails off. "I don't know we just started hanging out."
I pull back from him to stare at him. "Hang out?" I stutter.
He shrugs. "We were all missing and mad at the same infuriating woman. Made sense." He looks in my eyes as he speaks but flicks them off the side as soon as the words are out of this mouth. He isn't lying but he isn't telling the full truth either. What the fuck did they all do together?
I study him, trying to pry his secrets out of his head for several moments. He doesn't break. Eventually, I sigh and curl back into him. They can have their secrets for now. I still have mine.
"I'm glad you had each other."
He chuckles. "It's surprising how well we all get along nowadays. I think you'll be surprised by how close we've grown."
There's that damn teasing tone again, hinting at more but not coming out and saying what. "Whatever, you all can have your fun for now." He laughs and it fills the void in my chest just a little bit more. "I care about you, a fuck ton too, Handsome."
He kisses the top of my head. "I know, baby girl, but I'm glad you're finally figuring it out."
I laugh with him. Content to stay in this moment for just a little while longer.
Chapter Sixteen
The anxiety that had been pulsing in my chest for months finally settles back into the normal rhythm of my heartbeat. For the first time since I got that “Not Delivered” notification on my phone, I haven't been able to relax.
I've been scared, angry, lonely, frustrated. Even with the guys and I getting closer, learning more about the world Scar lives in and hides from me. I've been intrigued, fascinated, drawn into the puzzles she's left behind for me to piece together. But not for any moment have I felt calm, whole, at ease.
Until I held her in my arms and heard her apologize for the shit she put me through. Put all of us through. Kade and Luca are a lot more vocal in their anger with her, able to yell and demand and push her. That's just never who I've been though. I can't scream at the girl who dominates my thoughts, can't coat my words in venom and hope they pierce her armor and infect her until she feels my pain.
I can't do that, and I don't want to. I just need her back in my life, letting me hold her, feeling her breath against my neck and having her sweet pants in my ear. I've missed her more than I ever thought possible. I realized what an absolute fool I ever was to think that I could let her go.
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br /> I may not be vocal and aggressive in my claiming of her like the others. But there will be no mistaking it from now on. She is mine and I'm never letting her go. Even if I have to follow through on my threats to her and stalk her to the ends of the earth, stealing every bit of who she is for myself.
I didn't want to let her out of my lap and rejoin the party. I wouldn't have for anyone except Rowan. But we already missed her first Christmas and I refuse to let her birthday be anything less than perfect. I can't let her out of my sight yet, either. It feels as if as soon as I can't see her, she's going to disappear again.
I watch as she hands Roe presents to open and the pure awe and excitement Roe goes through every time she unwraps something new. It's clear how shocked she truly is at receiving gifts and I know instantly this is the first time she has ever been celebrated. As she continues to open presents at Scar's urging. The two giggling and squealing together. Nothing ever feels more right than watching Scar with Roe.
They get halfway through the presents before Roe clearly starts to get overwhelmed. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to comprehend the sheer amount of love being poured into her after living her whole life without a scrap.
They still haven't told me the whole story, but it isn't too hard to figure out. I don't think I even want to hear the details. Knowing and seeing how far she's come since that date on the pier is more than enough for me.
She stops opening presents as tears fill her eyes. She looks up at Scar and I can see the shattered look on Scar's face over Roe being upset. I just think all of the attention, all of the people, it all got to be too much for the little girl to contain in her small body.
I rush forward and sweep her into my arms. "I think it might be naptime. What do you think, Roe baby?" It's no secret that her nickname brings her comfort. She focuses only on me, her face still full of confusion. I turn to look at Luca and he's already tossing me the blue elephant that one of them got her. She curls it into her chest, and I can see her lashes already fluttering as she begins to crash.
