by Samantha Bee
"Too many." There's no point in lying, I have a feeling he would know I was anyways. I'm the one who said it anyways. "It would be nice to have none, though."
He nods and I find myself wondering more about him. They seem so open with each other, but something about that just doesn't seem possible. Not when the rest of us are still shifting through the chaos of our own making. I see the contemplative and guilty looks Scar gives the both of us. Like she's trying to figure out how to tell us something but just doesn't know how.
He must be just as in the dark as she thinks I am. I wonder what secrets he's still keeping from her.
"Why keep them then?" he ponders but the way he says it makes it feel like it relates to more than just me. Like maybe he's wondering the same thing about himself. So he is keeping things from her. Hopefully, this doesn't all blow up in our faces.
"They aren't just mine," I answer honestly. I would have to betray the guys to come clean to her. I think it's something that should be done but I also don't feel as if she's ready to confront this truth yet. Not that I can say all that to Declan.
"We all have secrets," he sighs, confirming my thoughts that even he is hiding things from her. "There are just things that take time to open up about, there's no use to rush it all. Doesn't mean you all care about each other less."
I finally see it. I see why Scar is so drawn to him. What he gives her that she wasn't getting from the rest of us. Each of us fit a tiny piece of her, helping to make her a whole again. He takes the emotion out of his thought process in a way that is still comforting. He doesn't always say a lot but when he does, you can't help but listen because you know his words carry weight. He thinks things out and doesn't make rash decisions.
He's able to remove himself from a situation and see the bigger picture, play the long game, and make moves or give advice based on that. It's something our group was honestly lacking in. Luca and Kade can both be strategic and delay gratification but they're both hot heads that let emotion rule them. Scar and I can both be analytical and put the pieces of puzzles together, solving problems before they even happen but she shuts down her emotions too much. Goes too cold, too analytical, too detached from reality. I, on the other hand, can't read people as well as either of them can. I lack the cool confidence in which Declan carries himself with and gives advice.
Ryder, well, Ryder is just our fucking wild card. The more I've gotten to know him, the more I think of him as the male Scar. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when they both realize they have feelings for each other. They're both as inept as the other when it comes to their emotions.
"You're not wrong. She's not ready for all her secrets to come to light either."
He agrees just as the front door opens. Ryder walks in with a sleeping Scar in his arms, her arms gently folded on her stomach as she curls in towards Ryder's chest. He looks down at her with his adoration clearly written on his face. It amazes me how stupid the both of them can be. How oblivious they both are to each other. Kade and Luca both follow in shortly after.
Ryder takes Scar down the hall as Kade and Luca join the two of us in the living room. I can feel Declan tense even from across the couch and I see Kade visibly harden as his eyes land on the blonde next to me. Luca sighs as he notices, and I try to break the building tension. "Why is she so tired? Will she be okay for dinner?"
We should really be leaving in the next half hour or so, in order for Roe to be able to go to bed on time. Scar tries to keep her schedule pretty consistent even if she isn't in school or anything yet. She read that it's important and so she's become steadfast in providing that for her.
Ryder comes back into the room before either of the other two have a chance to say anything. "She opened up to me about her past a little bit," he explains as he sits on one of the other chairs. Luca also sits down and gets comfortable but Kade continues to stand in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest as he looks down at Declan.
I look back and forth between the two guys, but they don't notice as they both glare at the other. This really can't keep going on like this. It takes a moment for Ryder's words to penetrate the haze of my worry over Kade and Declan, but when I finally take in what he said, I turn sharply to him. Scar told him about her past? What exactly about her past?
I see my shock mirrored on Luca and Kade's faces but understanding dawns on Declan's face. "Emotions still exhaust her," he explains, and all of our gazes snap back to him. "She spent so long shutting them out. She's trying to be more open, not only with you assholes, but also with herself. She's trying to learn to let herself feel for the first time in fuck knows how long."
"Eight years," Kade whispers and Declan throws him a sharp, disgusted look before he covers it back up and looks elsewhere.
"Yeah, so emotions fucking exhaust her. You pricks have no idea everything she's putting herself through for you." His censure is clear in his biting tone. It's one of the things I can respect about him, his fierce protectiveness for her. We all feel it in different ways, but he truly guards her fragile heart and mind. Even from us unintentionally hurting her.
It's also annoying as fuck though. We've learned from our mistakes. None of us have pushed her since she came back. So him spitting this at us now is just him being a douche.
"No one was trying to," I start, trying to diffuse the tension but Kade's sharp tone cuts me off.
"What the fuck would you know about that?"
I sigh and bounce up on my feet. Moving to pace behind the couch, knowing this is probably going to be the moment we've all been waiting for, where the two of them finally combust.
"What would I know?" Declan scoffs, jumping to his own feet, seemingly tired of Kade staring down at him. "I've seen that woman at her absolute lowest. Where the fuck were you when she was barely holding herself together? When even waking and just breathing caused her physical pain? Where were you?" he spits at Kade as he moves to get in the bigger guy's face.
Kade's face is turning red in his rage. I meet Luca's eyes as we try to decide how to dissolve this or if we even should. I give him a slight shrug as he cocks his head, but I look pointedly at the pair still raging at each other. Luca sighs but nods his agreement. At this point, it's probably best to let them get it out and maybe be able to figure out some of this fucking mess.
"I've been there for Scar for a lot fucking longer than you have," Kade roars at Declan. I look over my shoulder, expecting Scar to come out of her room any moment with the amount of noise these two are making.
Declan's voice drops to a deathly whisper. I think his tightly wound control has finally snapped. "And when she really needed you, where were you?" He looks at him with pure disgust as he scoffs, "That's right. You're the one who pushed her there. Left her to fall apart all on her own on the dirty floor of some bar bathroom."
The room freezes. Ryder, Luca, and I all trade looks. None of us had heard about this, we all had a feeling there was more than what we knew was going on. That Declan and Kade had met before but neither of them would ever talk about it. Even Scar would just leave the room whenever it was hinted at, clearly not wanting to be a part of the conversation. I'm sure that's why Declan never pushed it.
Kade. Kade though, it's written all over his face. Guilt. He didn't own up to it because he feels guilty as hell. Even now I can see how Declan's words have gutted him as he stares at him blankly. He doesn't say anything, refuses to look anywhere else but at Declan. No rage in his eyes or in his body language. Kade looks defeated, overwhelmed and more than anything, scared.
"What is he talking about, Kade?" Luca drawls, slowly. Looking back and forth between the pair of them. Kade's eyes shutter and I can't find a trace of emotion anymore. I didn't even know he was capable of shutting down so quickly and efficiently.
The air in the room becomes stagnant with how still everyone stays waiting for his response. His whole body almost appears to vibrate as he stays silent, staring at Declan. Finally, Kade sighs. "I saw Scar at a bar before Roe's bi
rthday," he admits, but we've already put that together from what Declan said.
"And what?" Luca seethes. His jaw clenched so tightly, I'm shocked he even managed to get the words out.
Kade hangs his head as he mutters, “We had sex in the bathroom and then I left her and went to the fights.”
Luca steps back like he’s been slapped. Ryder sinks further into his seat on the couch, as if he can get away from this mess. I just stand there and gape at Kade. We all spent so much energy trying to find her and he knew where she was? Fucked her and said nothing to us?
None of us have a chance before Declan is scoffing again. “You did a lot more than just hook up and you know it.”
Kade’s head snaps up as he glares at him. “I left her the way she left us,” he snaps, but his tone doesn't hold nearly as much heat as it had before. It feels more defensive than anything. Just what the fuck did he do?
Declan’s eyes narrow, the rest of ours volley back and forth between the pair as they finally have it out. “You were cruel,” he spits out in disdain. “She tried to talk to you that night and you left her completely devastated, crying on the disgusting bathroom floor. Alone. Broken. And used. You left her like that.”
An anger like I’ve never known before grows inside of me with every word out of his mouth. Broken. Alone. Used.
A white hot rage consumes me.
Chapter Nineteen
Waking up isn’t a slow, hazy moment. No. I snap awake, suddenly completely aware of the commotion going on in the living room.
I hurry out of bed and rush out there to see what has the guys so worked up. Just as I walk into the living room, I freeze as I watch Noah’s fist connect with Kade’s jaw. My mouth drops open in shock as the sweetest man I’ve ever known unleashes a side of himself I never would have guessed possible.
My big guy doesn’t even lift a finger to defend himself, just takes the hit as if he deserves it. What the fuck is even happening right now? None of the guys move to intervene, instead just watching with their own looks of anger, or approval in Declan’s case, as they all watch Noah.
I sigh to myself. Why do I get the feeling I know exactly what just happened and that D was the one to stir the pot?
“Everybody, out,” I call as I walk into the room. Their gazes all swing my way, and more than one mouth parts open to argue with me, but I just shake my head. “Give us a minute.”
I keep my eyes locked on Kade, even as he refuses to meet my eyes. The guys reluctantly leave, knowing Kade and I need to have this conversation at some point to deal with this.
Declan pauses in front of me, placing his hands on my hips and leaning down to whisper, “Are you sure about this, pretty girl?”
I smile. “Positive.” Then jab my finger into his stomach, causing him to grunt. “Don’t think, I don’t know you started this.” I narrow my eyes at him, but he just grins at me sheepishly, not guilty in the least. Fucking jackass.
As soon as Kade and I are alone I move closer to him but don’t invade his space. He’s still refused to speak to me since Joe’s. He’s never far, I can always feel his eyes tracking my movements but he’s still keeping his distance.
“Can we talk?” He just shrugs and says nothing. I can’t help the sigh that escapes me. I know somewhere buried under all his anger and resentment, he still cares about me. Why else would he always be the first person to ask where I'm going every time I head for the door? I just don’t know how to get us over this awkward stage.
“You can’t just continue to avoid me forever.” I point out, hoping we can finally get to the bottom of the mess we both created.
“Why does it matter?” he grunts, but I can hear the thread of insecurity in his voice. “You’ve already chosen Luca over me once before.” He keeps his eyes averted from mine, guarded, determined to keep shutting me out. “You have the others now,” he sighs, and I can hear the note of defeat in his voice. Like this was the obvious outcome and he’s already accepted it.
I’m already shaking my head, but he won’t look at me long enough to notice my reaction. “I’m the one who pushed you farther than the others. So why the fuck does it matter, Scar? Why do you care?”
I stand there, shocked as his words register. “I,” I start but don’t even know what to say. How can he not know how fucking important he is to me? How much I fucking missed him. “I,” I start again but he cuts me off.
“Exactly. It doesn’t. So forgive me if I’m not eager to jump back into something that is only going to end up with me being left behind. Again.”
With that, he storms off and slams out the front door.
I hang my head and try to force back the rush of disappointment that flows through me. I can’t help but want everything Kade and I used to have.
Strong arms wrap around my waist from behind and I feel the pressure of someone leaning their head on my shoulder. I know it’s Declan from the clean, minty scent that envelops me. That alone soothes me even as I ache for the man that just walked out the door.
“Give it time,” he whispers. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but he’s coming around.”
I sigh as I press more into him, stealing every ounce of comfort he’s willing to give me. The truth is, being back with the guys is great. They make me feel more whole but I’m still a broken, ugly, mess on the inside, desperately trying to keep it all together so I don’t fail them again.
Luca moves to stand in front of me. I pull out of D’s arms but instead of pulling me into his like I was hoping he would, Luca tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and coughs. “Let’s go see, Roe.” Before turning around and walking out the front door.
I feel the vibration of Declan’s laughter as I bang my head back against his chest. I’m never going to get laid again at this rate. “Shut up,” I groan as Noah and Ryder make it back into the room. The look of amusement on both of their faces tells me they saw the whole thing. I’m getting real fucking tired of the current situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think I was gonna come back and it be all rainbows and butterflies. But fuck me, I thought someone would actually fuck me. I’m never going to get laid again at this point.
“I hate all of you,” I mutter, even as Noah pulls me into his arms. Ryder and D laugh as they head out the front door after Luca. I pull Noah’s hand up so I can see just how much damage he did to himself with that punch.
I’m surprised to find, not much. He smirks down at me. “I know how to throw a punch, baby girl.”
I look up, ready to tease him, but the emotion I find there stops the words from coming out. I gently brush my fingers across his cheek before dropping my hand back down. I fidget as I sigh, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down as I promise, “I’m okay, really. Declan was just stirring the pot.”
Noah grips both my wrists and I can't manage to completely suppress the flinch that overtakes me. He immediately releases me, and I tug on my sleeves again even as he captures my chin in his hand, forcing me to look into his eyes. “I don’t care what the reason is, Scar. I’m never going to be okay with someone making you feel used. I love Kade, but he deserved a hell of a lot more than a single punch if he made you feel that way.”
He wipes the single tear that runs down my cheek. It’s as if now that I’m not forcing all emotion aside, it bubbles up out of me at every small chance. I have really got to work on finding a fucking happy medium. Crying like this is gross.
“It hurt,” I admit, “but in a way it was good too. It helped me realize what I really wanted. Just exactly what I had been doing to you guys this whole time.”
He pulls me to his chest and kisses the top of my head. “He still deserved it.”
I can’t help but chuckle as he leads me out of the house to follow the others.
Dinner at Joe’s always helps to soothe my frazzled ends. Spending time with Roe, cuddling with her and hearing her sweet voice and giggles brings me a peace I never thought possible for someone like me.
I always hate
leaving her. Even when I get to be the one who tucks her into bed, reads her a story and cuddles with her until I hear her soft snores. I just want to be with her at all times.
Tonight though, I have something to look forward to as I leave. Or at least I fucking better. Noah has spent the entire night, subtly working me up, with no sign of release. Grazing my nipples as he leans next to me to reach for the salad at dinner. Drawing patterns on my leg, slowly moving his fingers higher and higher towards the apex of my thighs. Whispering dirty things in my ear when no one is paying attention.
I’m so worked up from all the gentle caresses, that I swear if he doesn't do something about it as soon as we get home, I’ll be the one punching him in the face. Of course, Declan has noticed because when does that fucker not notice something? He’s finding far too much amusement in my predicament. He might get punched too.
As we pull up to the house, I can sense the growing amusement from not only the two of them both the others as well. They really all are a bunch of fucking assholes. How the hell did I end up with this lot? Couldn’t I end up with at least one nice one? It was supposed to be Noah, but he’s the one who likes to push and tease me the most.
We all walk into the house and my eyes narrow at their barely suppressed smiles. As they all begin to say goodnight, I keep my eyes on Noah. Declan is the first to kiss my head and whisper his goodnight before heading to his guest bedroom. Ryder is immediately after him, but he just winks and squeezes my shoulder. Kade hesitates for a moment longer but walks away without a word. I sigh as I watch his retreating back. I don’t know what else I expected. Luca looks me over and I catch the grimace as he notices me locked on Kade.
He tries to give me a reassuring smile, but it doesn’t really help. I can see the worry in his eyes too. He’s just as lost as I am about how to fix things between us. Even their relationship hasn’t seemed as close since I’ve come back. I don’t know what really to make of it. He pulls me into his arms for a quick hug as he gently rubs my back before he also turns and leaves.
