by Samantha Bee
"How interesting," I drawl, still giving nothing away. I'm more intrigued by this woman now than I was before this phone call. Things are about to get real complicated. Not that they weren't already. "Good to know, Rach. Call me if you feel like sharing more about the girl you're so desperate to get your hands on."
She sighs once more but I hang up before she has the chance to respond.
I study Declan out of the corner of my eye, but he seems focused on his own phone now. He isn't close enough to hear what Rachel was saying, only my end of the conversation. I run through it once more in my head but don't think I said anything that would give him too much insight on what we are actually a part of. I level my gaze on Jade instead. I know she could hear most of what was said on both ends.
"Still no ideas?" I ask, but she's already shaking her head. "It seems more personal than she was originally letting on," I tell her. I always had the feeling it was, but I couldn't connect the dots. I still can't.
A sad look takes over Jade's features. I recognize the loneliness in her eyes as she answers, "There's no one from my past who would care this much." I squeeze her knee again. Jade has been lonely for a far longer time than just when she was taken.
"I'll figure this out," I promise her. She deserves to not have to face this alone, to have answers, to just relax for once in her life. I want to do everything I can to free her from the shackles that are still holding her back from being free of her past.
Her previous buyers. Ciar. Even Rachel if I have to.
Just as the words escape my mouth, Luca walks into the room and quirks his brow, questioning what I'm talking about exactly. I keep my eyes on him as I ponder a new theory. She really did give quite a bit away, even if not about Jade.
"I just got off the phone with Rachel," I tell him and watch as surprise flashes in his eyes. It's obvious with all the other drama going on, he forgot about her. His eyes dart to Jade, quickly making sure she's okay. I can't help but smile. She doesn't even realize it, but all of the guys have become so protective over her. She is still so wary of them as a whole, but they watch out for her in every way they can. Including learning and respecting her boundaries and what she's comfortable with. It helps immensely with helping her feel more comfortable here and I need her here. A break from all the goddamn testosterone is a fucking godsend.
She had become so relaxed at my new apartment, I was scared we wouldn't have the same ease here, but we fell right back into a similar routine. The guys all give us enough space and privacy to have the much needed girl time. Thank fuck.
I nod to Luca, letting him know she's okay before continuing, "I have a new theory though."
His eyes dart from my face to behind me as he quirks another brow at me. I give a slight shake of my head. Declan is still in the dark about all of this. I sigh to myself. That's a problem for another day. I still have no idea how to bridge that gap. For him. For Noah. For Britt.
Having people to care about sure is a lot of hard fucking work. No wonder I'm always so damn exhausted now.
Even so, I continue, weighing my words carefully. "I think Christian was Rachel's man."
Luca tilts his head to the side, still flicking his gaze between both me and Declan. He nods, obviously trying to keep his own words vague. "How interesting," he finally agrees.
I shrug, downplaying the importance of this conversation. "Just a thought to consider." It's more than that, but we can talk about that without Jade and D around. She doesn't need to be a part of this conversation either. I know it stresses her out to still have so many questions and hardly enough answers. I look over to her and find the throw pillow that had been next to her, is now clenched tightly in her arms as she hugs it to her chest.
My eyes drift back up to meet Luca's as I try to silently explain we have more to talk about when we don't have company. He subtly nods as a little V forms in between his brows when his gaze drifts back to Jade.
"Should we go to the gym?" I ask, changing the topic and hopefully bringing her back out of her trance.
She startles but is quick to nod and give me a smile. Jade is nowhere near as bloodthirsty as I am, but she does need to vent out her frustrations with her body. Sweat out the doubts and fear that threaten to overtake her at a moment's notice.
Declan looks between the two of us, before flicking his eyes to Luca. "I have to go check in at work for a few hours," he tells me as he presses a kiss to my forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks, and I smile at him in agreement.
Even since coming back, Declan spends most of his time with me. He denies it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he's cut back on the cases he's been taking on to allow him more freedom. While he does work shifts at the hospital, I've learned it's because he has privileges there. He actually has his own private practice that allows him more flexibility. He's so vague when he talks about himself, every little detail feels like it's fought for and I gain some little victory from achieving it. I wonder if that's how they feel about me.
I assess his expression as he stares down at his phone, still responding to an email. I haven't sensed any stress from him, but I know he used to work way more hours. I just don't fully know how to bring it up to him. "You can use my laptop if you want to hang out for a bit. There's no rush," I say and flick my eyes to meet Luca's. He nods and smiles his agreement. I know it's selfish, but I want the guys and D to get along. For him to fit in with us as naturally as Ryder and Noah first did.
Declan's head snaps up to me and I see the little grin fighting to be let loose. He really doesn't like showing too much emotion around the other guys though. I sigh thinking about them. Why can't this be easier?
"That would actually be great, pretty girl," he murmurs. "I'll still probably be gone before you make it back though."
I smile as I reach for my laptop and sign in before handing it to him. "That's okay, D. I'll still see you tomorrow." I squeeze his shoulder as I stand up and turn back to Jade. "Let me change and we can head out," I tell her as I head back towards my room.
Jade is already dressed to work out, she usually is when she comes over, as we almost always end up back at the gym.
Before I can make it out of the room, Luca grips me by the arm, pulling me back towards him. "Yes, Bossman?" I question, looking up at him.
He smirks for half a second before a look of confusion flashes in his eyes and it falls off his face. His expression settles into something a lot more like a grimace as he swallows thickly. "I can't go with you today, but Ry should be free."
I scoff, "We are perfectly capable of going on our own."
"No." That's it. Just the one simple word, no explanation or reasoning. Just no.
I take a step back as I glower at the man in front of me. "If you think you can just tell me what to do without an explanation, you're going to be severely disappointed," I bite out.
His face finally softens as he looks down at me. "I'm sorry, Letty. You're right." My eyes immediately narrow in suspicion. That was far too easy. Luca is not one to back down from a fight, not even one with me. He thrives on that shit. "Just please take Ryder," he pleads, but I'm still doubtful of this sudden change in attitude of his.
"Why does it matter?" I ask slowly, trying to figure out his angle here. I've barely been left alone by any of them since moving back in. I can always feel one of their eyes tracing my skin as if they leave me for even a moment, I'll disappear again. I sigh, before nodding, even without his response. I guess it is my own fault that they are so apprehensive that I'll vanish into thin air.
"We'll take Ry," I promise. I can do this for them. He could probably use the extra training session anyways. He's fallen behind in my absence. I lean into Luca as the words come out of my mouth, seeking to reassure him that I'm still here.
He looks down at me, his coal black eyes shimmering with something I can't quite figure out. As I go up on my tiptoes to steal a kiss from him, he gives me something between a smile and a grimace before patting me on the shoulder. "Thank
you, Scar," he calls out as he turns away from me, leaving me standing there and staring at his back. Again.
My eyes meet the amused expressions of both Jade and Declan, once more.
I huff, "Weird, right?" I've already bitched to both of them about Luca's odd behavior since I came back. How the fuck did we go from caveman kisses to me being left behind with nothing more than a pat on the shoulder. The fucking shoulder?
Jade giggles, trading a look with D before meeting my eyes once more. "I think the word you're looking for is awkward, babe."
I groan, "How the fuck did we get here?" I run my fingers through my hair, forcing myself not to pull it out in my frustration.
Jade throws her hands up, still struggling to contain her laughter. "Hey, don't ask me. The fuck do I know about relationships? I barely understand being a legal adult."
D looks down at her, a million questions in his eyes. Fuck. Of course he doesn't know Jade's backstory. He doesn't know anything about our world. Even back with my guys, everything is still just as convoluted as it's always been. When the fuck are things going to be easier? Will I ever be cut out for whatever the hell it is we are doing here?
The familiar rush of panic rushes through my veins like ice, freezing any relief I had allowed myself to feel. I sigh, "Yeah, me either girl. Me fucking either."
She gives me a sad smile, knowing exactly how I'm feeling. Jade is the closest I've ever allowed myself to get to someone who went through something similar to me. She even makes my trauma look like child's play. I had one horrible, horrible night. She had years stolen from her. My heart twists as I ache for her.
I feel the heavy weight of Declan's gaze on mine. I'm scared to look up and meet his eyes. Too scared he will be able to read my secrets as if they're painted on my skin. I guess in a way they are, aren't they?
I'm not ready for Declan to pry this secret out of me. I'm not ready to face that he may leave, that he probably should leave. I'm not doing anyone any favors by not being honest. Not him, not Noah, or the others, not even myself. I've just traded one weight for another, still feeling my secrets pressing in on me the way my guilt was not too long ago. But I’m just not fucking ready to drag them into the darkness. I want to enjoy their light for a little longer.
"Pretty girl, I'll talk to him, okay?" His voice soothes me even from across the room even as my eyes snap up to meet his concerned ones. It takes me a minute to realize what he's talking about. He thinks that I'm still stuck on Luca's odd behavior.
I shrug. It's not that I'm upset with Luca, it's just strange. I don't bother to clear up the misunderstanding though. Why should I? I still can't give him this truth. It's not like I wouldn't appreciate any insight into what the fuck is running through Luca's head either. So I'll take it. I give him a smile as I nod. "Thanks, D. You really are the best."
I turn once more and this time I finally make it to my room. I change quickly into workout shorts and a sports bra, making sure to throw on a light zip up jacket over it. I've always worn loose tank tops to the gym but... my eyes drift down to where my fingers are fiddling with the bottom of my right sleeve.
So many secrets still. So much web to still unravel. I shake myself off, putting that day firmly out of my thoughts. I pull my hair back into a ponytail. I don't bother doing any makeup since I would just sweat it off anyways. I grab my gym bag from the closet and slip back into the hallway.
Before my door even fully shuts, I'm being pressed up into the wall. I tamper down the sigh that begs to be released from my mouth. I don't even have to look up to know that I'll find green eyes speckled with gold staring down at me.
"Yes, Kade?"
He huffs, squeezing my biceps as his fingers trace patterns over my jacket. I can see something in his eyes as he focuses on me. My arms? My jacket? I fight against reaching for my sleeve again, knowing he would instantly recognize it for what it is. A tell.
He blinks and his eyes return to mine. He coughs before his eyes trail back down to my bag before they narrow. "Where are you going?" he demands. Far too much apprehension still laces every word he speaks to me.
He's lucky I'm not just any old bitch because if I had any sane part of me left, I would have given up on him by now. Turns out I am just as obstinate as my big guy. I'd say who knew but I think quite literally everyone did.
"Jade and I are going to the gym," I explain to him, not even letting any of my snark bleed into my tone. I deserve some ice cream for that.
"Why can't you just work out here?" he grinds out through gritted teeth.
Fucking hell. I roll my eyes. I can't help it. I lift my arms and push his hands away from me. I bring my fingers to my temples as I rub small circles there, trying to relieve some of the pressure building.
Kade's anger. My secrets. Luca's odd behavior. Jade's history.
It's all so goddamn much.
"I'm not on house arrest, Kade," I bite out. Okay, maybe I don't deserve the ice cream after all. "Ryder is coming with us," I continue. I hesitate, knowing I'm just setting myself up for rejection. "Would you like to come too?" I drop my hands from my temples and bring my eyes back up to his, except he isn't looking at me. No, his eyes are still glued to my hands...my wrist. I flinch, studying what he sees but the jacket still covers my scars.
I look back up and try to decipher the look in his eyes, but I can't get the slightest read from him. What the hell? He's never been so blocked off from me before. Even at the height of his anger, which despite his still shitty and cold attitude, has been cooling off.
Instead of the outright rejection I was expecting, he moves a step away from me, not meeting my eyes again. "I can't," he answers. "I have work with Luca," he explains, still more indifferent than what I'm used to from him but not quite as cold as he has been. I guess I'll take it as a small win, even if he still doesn't trust me to leave the house on my own.
I hang up the phone and slide it into my pocket smiling. I put on my favorite black sweatshirt before grabbing my purse and heading towards the door. Just as I’m about to reach out Kade materializes out of fucking nowhere, “Where are you going?”
I don’t bother to fight back the sigh, completely over this fucking bullshit. We had almost this exact same fight just yesterday when I went to the gym with Jade.
I force myself to tone down the snark because he’s still just hurting. We already knew this. It’s going to take time to repair what I broke and I’m willing to put in that time. Even if I think that at this point, he’s acting like a goddamn petulant child. It’s fine.
“I’m going to meet Charlene and Roe at the park,” I hesitate, turning around to meet the cold glare I’ve been associating with him since coming back. “Would you like to come?”
His narrowed eyes drag up and down my body before he shakes his head. “No.” His voice comes out cold and flat. So unlike the way he would usually speak to me. Except for every fucking day since Roe’s party. It’s finally too much.
I thought just maybe we had made a bit of progress yesterday, but clearly, I was wrong. I’ve tried to wait for him to see that I’m working hard to be different, to let them in, but he refuses to give me even an inch.
I finally fucking snap. “I’m fucking trying, Kade. Can’t you see that?”
He raises his brows but doesn’t even dignify me with a response. The utter fucking bastard. Anger rises in me and my last thread of control shreds as I launch my purse across the room at his stupid, blank face. He doesn’t see it coming fast enough to dodge it, so it hits him square in the face before bouncing off and landing on the floor, spilling the contents across his feet.
“I fucking miss you, you goddamn bastard,” I screech as I stomp my foot. He stares at me with his eyes wide and jaw close to my personal belongings. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in him even if it is only shock.
“I know I fucked up. I know that I hurt you. Fuck, Kade. I hurt myself. It fucking hurt to be away from you, to not have you by my side, embracing the chaos with me. Every kill
was anticlimactic without seeing your stupid, dopey grin over the dead body. Sleeping alone made me feel like my entire body was aching as I longed for you and your affectionate touches. I constantly looked over my shoulder expecting to see you there and being filled with disappointment when you weren’t.” My words come out rushed as every sentence crashes into the next, trying to get everything off my chest before he walks away on me again. Doing to me what I did to him. The irony is not lost on me.
“You were my partner in crime, my best friend, and I fucking broke us. I can’t apologize enough for how much I regret that. I can’t even express the guilt that consumed me as soon as I was away from you. I’m jaded and confused. I don’t work quite right. Emotions terrify me and when I feel too much it scares the ever living shit out of me.” My words start to slow as I see a softening in his glare. It’s subtle but it’s there.
“I don’t know why anyone would want me, especially after how badly I ruined us. I still want to fight for you though. I still want to fight for us. You make me feel and it's terrifying. But you also make me want to learn to be okay with it. I want to feel your arms wrap around me and I want, no. I need to hear you call me Ladybug again because living without you is tearing me apart.”
I can feel the emotion welling in my eyes and know my voice gets heavier with the weight of them. “I was drowning in the misery I created. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want just sex anymore. I crave everything you were once willing to give me, and I’m so fucking sorry I threw it in your face the way I did.”
I stand there panting after my confession. I can’t even remember all that I said as it rushed out of me so goddamn fast. Kade is still standing there just staring at me. His cold mask of indifference finally breaks but it’s still not what I want to hear. “Scar.” The sound of my name feels like a whip lashing against my already bruised heart. “I just don’t think I can,” he whispers. “What happens the next time we fight?”
