by Calia Read
My hands slip down to the hem of his shirt. I wrap it around my fingers and tug. Macsen gets the message and with one hand he drags it over his head. It hangs down off one shoulder and I rake my hands down his naked back, feeling his muscles flinch underneath my hands.
My weight shifts and suddenly I’m on my back. Macsen leans over me and I look over his chest, the skin pulled tight over his abs. With his arms braced next to my arms, he nuzzles my neck. His tongue drifts over my collarbone.
He drifts lower and presses himself into me. I breathe deeply as he kisses the swell of my breast and starts to pull down my shirt.
I move against him eagerly and wait for his touch.
The door creaks open. Instantly, Macsen covers me. My heart drums painfully against my chest as I realize what I just did. I hear a girl giggle and the sound of the music. I had completely forgotten a party was happening a few steps away. My eyes slam shut.
“Oh!” the girl giggles out. “I thought this was the bathroom,” she slurs.
“Does this look like a bathroom?” Macsen shouts.
I flinch in his arms. The drunk girl just laughs and shuts the door behind her. There’s something intoxicating about Macsen. It makes me want his body pressed against mine even when I should be pushing him away and running out of the room. I still want his calloused hands on my skin even when I shouldn’t.
He leans down, presses his lips against my clavicle and breathes me in. My eyes close as I hold onto him.
“Emilia.” My name is muffled against my skin.
“Hmm?”
Macsen sighs and lifts his head up. Alarm rises in me. “We have to stop.”
“Why?”
He stands up and offers his arm to me. I take it with a frown and take a step back. I’m waiting for the ‘this was a mistake’ talk to kick in at any moment. I can’t regret it. I probably should, but there’s not an ounce of remorse or guilt in me right now.
He steps forward, looking desperate. His hands latch onto my hair as he whispers, “There’s a party going on outside this room, right now. I don’t want anyone else to walk in!”
I stand there silently, feeling so much. The cardinal rule from Tosha was never to feel for your target and I’m breaking that rule. I realize now that you can never be touched or kissed without feeling something. The body is a double-edged sword because it reacts from simple touches and creates tangible emotions that you can never erase.
“If there wasn’t a party going on, you’d be in my bed right now,” he whispers deeply.
My eyes widen and I start to breathe heavily.
“Do you want that?” Macsen asks.
“Yes.”
He gives me a brief kiss and pulls himself away, grabbing his shirt off the floor and covering up all the muscles I’m still desperate to touch.
“I need to go,” I say regretfully.
Macsen nods and rubs his eyes. I know he wants me to stay.
“So why did I come get you?”
Tosha picks me up from Macsen’s apartment. Surprisingly, she isn’t dressed up in a costume, but she did use this holiday as an excuse to dress in the tightest red dress money can buy. I tell her about my kiss with Macsen. I can’t keep it to myself and she can’t stop herself from pulling up to the Steak ‘n Shake drive-through and ordering two large shakes.
“This conversation deserves ice cream.”
I agree.
We sit in her car, in the Steak ‘n Shake parking lot.
Thoughtfully, I hold my shake in between my hands and stare down at the melting ice cream. “I think what I’m doing ... I think it’s going too far,” I confess. “I’m starting to feel a little out of control with this whole ‘Macsen plot.’”
“You don’t have to go through with your plan.” I stop eating and stare at her with wide eyes. “You can forget about it, and just go with what you see in front of you. Don’t shut down anymore. Don’t use anything against him...” her words die off as she sees my expression. “Did you feel anything when you kissed him?”
There were so many emotions during our kiss I would have to be a robot not to have felt something. But I was walking a fine line. I had to sacrifice my Burn List, or sacrifice everything I felt with Macsen. I didn’t want to give either one up.
Looking over at Tosha’s sympathetic face, I mutely nod.
And that’s all she needs. She sighs and looks down at her ice cream. “Then ignore the revenge you’ve been plotting. You see Macsen, you take Macsen, and you make yourself happy.”
“I’ve moved across the country for this, Tosha!”
“What do you want me to tell you?” She shrugs helplessly.
“That I should move forward with my plan for revenge.” Tosha’s already shaking her head no. I keep talking, “And that I should figure out what it is that I feel about him!”
“I think you know how you feel about him.”
It’s my turn to shake my head back and forth.
“If you didn’t, you’d be laughing over this kiss. It would be giving you victory, not confusion—if you were not feeling something.”
No more excuses come out of my mouth. Kissing him was like a drug, an addiction. And like a loyal addict, I’m already trying to figure out when I can get my next fix. That makes make me the worst sibling ever.
“Are you listening?” Tosha asks.
My head pivots in her direction. “I am.”
“You can’t have both, Emilia.”
I nod my head in agreement and she starts her car back up. The whole ride back to campus I’m thinking of the past, of my sister, and of Macsen.
She pulls up outside of my dorm and looks over at me. “Are you sure he’s guilty?”
My fingers tap against the passenger side door and I think of how to phrase my words. “It takes someone cruel to do what was done to my sister. And Macsen isn’t cruel … he doesn’t seem to have that in him.”
“I just want you to be sure … this is a big deal, Emilia.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I whisper.
The implication of my words torments me because I’m challenging my sister’s words. It’s like I’m pointing a finger straight at her and telling her that Macsen isn’t the one.
I give Tosha a weak good-bye and walk up the sidewalk in a daze. My bag is in Macsen’s truck. It has my ID card in it. I groan as I walk up to my dorm. Luckily, a few girls are walking in front of me. I blend in with them and smoothly get inside. The lights are off in my room when I walk in. I’m happy that Severine isn’t back and hope that she stays somewhere else for the night.
I slide out of my boots and take off my clothes, tossing them in the far corner while I change into a tank top and shorts. My body is still tingling as I drop to my bed. I want to call my sister. I’ve never kept anything from her. I want to keep this feeling for myself, with no one to take me down from my high.
Instead, I walk over to my desk and pull out my sister’s journal. It’s still looks the same, but it feels different. There is sadness cloaked around it, yet I no longer have to read it. It’s not screaming at me to open up the pages and see the words written in clear block letters. My hands shake as I walk to my bed and kneel down to reach for a box underneath. I drag it out into the open. It’s filled with items that hold memories. But my sister’s journal is more than a memory. I read this frequently.
I don’t want to anymore. I realize I’m giving myself daily doses of pain by picturing E’s pain. Carefully, I lay the journal inside the box. My breath comes out shaky as I slide it back underneath my bed.
You can’t heal a heart that’s been fragmented. But my wounds are closing. Stitch by stitch, I’m starting to feel again. I can’t undo the past and stop everything that has happened. However, I can try to take a tiny step forward. Moving E’s journal underneath my bed is a step for me.
My heart should be feeling guilt for betraying my family, but it doesn’t. It might come back and haunt me later. For now, I close my eyes and for once I hav
e a night that isn’t filled with memories from the past.
It’s the best sleep I’ve had in months.
My legs bounce up and down nervously. I’m sitting next to Haley in the Student Center, searching for Macsen and hoping that he has my bag with him.
I was a prisoner in my own dorm this weekend. I didn’t have Macsen’s number. I could have found a way to get in touch with him, but I held back and did nothing. I was using my bag as an excuse to see him again. I’ll see him for our weekly tutoring sessions, but I want something outside of those moments.
I wouldn’t have been much fun this weekend anyway. Now that I’ve set my Burn List aside, I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I’ve had this agenda planned for months. But I’m happy, happy that I feel free.
Students sit around me. Most are talking and a few are on their laptops or quietly eating. I scan those faces, trying to catch a face with dark stubble and sharp green eyes.
“You okay?” Haley’s eyebrows slant low. “You’re shaking the table with your legs.”
Instantly, I quit moving my legs and start to rub my palms back and forth on my skinny jeans. “I’m good.”
I continue to scan the faces around us as Haley eats her hamburger. Most of my lunches are spent with her. Sometimes she says nothing, and sometimes she talks the entire time. Today, she’s quiet and focused on her food. I know Tosha thinks Hayley is two love notes away from being Macsen’s stalker, but I look past that. And when I do, all I see is someone who needs a friend.
Heels click on the floor. I turn to see Tosha walking over with a tray of food. She eats with me and barely says two words to Haley.
She sits across from me and hands me a plate of cheese fries. “Here you go.”
I rub my hands together quickly. “Mmm. Thank you!”
“Anytime. So, did you get your bag back from Macsen?”
My eyes narrow and I nudge my head at Haley, who is now fixated on Tosha. Tosha ignores my subtle way of saying shut up and waits for me to answer. I kick her shin underneath the table. “Not yet,” I grit out.
“Why does Macsen have your bag?” Haley asks.
“We just hung out Friday, and I left my bag in his truck.” Haley’s face turns white. “But it was nothing,” I say with a smile.
“I don’t know about nothing...” Tosha says mysteriously.
“Believe me,” I utter slowly, glaring at my friend the entire time, “it was nothing.”
Tosha shrugs a shoulder and pops a tater tot into her mouth. She’s testing the grounds, purposely saying this in front of Haley to see what she will do. I want to kill her for it, but at the same time, even I’m wondering what Haley’s reaction will be.
Haley turns to me solemnly. I wonder if she is going to snap out. All she does is stare at me closely. “Do you know him well?” she asks.
My gaze flicks over to Tosha, who’s staring between the two of us. “He tutors me in math and that’s it, Haley. Just a few conversations here and there.”
I leave out the part about wanting to jump him and kiss him until my lips are raw.
For a few seconds, Haley says nothing. When she looks back at me, her eyes are sad, but not devastated. “He’s a good tutor.” She picks up her tray. “I have to get going. I’ll see you later, Emilia.”
Haley walks off before I can say anything. Immediately, I whip my head toward Tosha. “What the hell?” I hiss.
Tosha gives me an innocent look. “What?”
“You didn’t need to tell her that.” I stand and give her a look. “You’re being bitchy today.”
“Emilia, I’m bitchy everyday,” Tosha points out with a wink.
“Haley may be ‘crazy’ to you, but she isn’t to me. When have I ever been off about someone?”
“Macsen Sloan,” she says with a grin.
“That doesn’t count,” I tell her as I back away from the table.
“Because you want to jump his bones now?” Tosha calls out.
I make a face and she laughs as I hurry out the door. Haley is directly in front of me, hurrying across the grass. I quickly run over to her, hoping that I can do some damage control. I feel the need to explain everything to her. She may hate Severine, but I don’t want her to hate me.
“Haley!”
She turns around and looks at me curiously. I see the hurt in her eyes and instantly feel regret.
“I just wanted to make sure you aren’t mad at me or anything.”
Awkwardly, Haley shifts from foot to foot. “Because Macsen likes you, you think I’m going to hate you?”
“Well,” I stammer out, “I-I had heard that you didn’t like Severine.”
A faint smile touches Haley’s lips. “I didn’t like Severine because she wasn’t right for Macsen … that, and she’s kind of a bitch.”
I smile hesitantly and slowly start to walk with Haley. “Tosha was just being Tosha at lunch,” I explain.
“I get it. She doesn’t like me because of what she’s heard.” Haley turns to look at me. “But I’ve known Macsen practically my whole life.”
Jealously settles in my stomach and spreads throughout my body over her words. It’s something new to me. I frown at the ground. “So you’re close.”
She nods her head. “We both had less than perfect childhoods and that’s something we bonded over.” I nod and she continues. “I know he doesn’t like me. I’ve known that for awhile.” She shrugs and smiles sadly. “Some people grow out of their first loves. I’m still trying to do that.”
At the word love, my back straightens. I stop walking and look at her solemnly. “Did he love you back?”
Haley breathes through her nose and looks at me sadly. “Not the way that I wanted him to.”
“This thing with Macsen…”
“I don’t need to know the details. You fit him. The two of you together isn’t horrifying to me. Not like him and Severine.”
“Were they really that bad?”
“Together, the two of them were a disaster.”
I nod my head. “Did Macsen love her?”
“That’s something you would have to ask him. But, in my opinion, no, he didn’t.”
I feel way too much relief from her words.
“Hey!” When I turn around, I see Macsen jogging toward us with my bag in his hand. He’s wearing blue jeans and a green striped shirt with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. He doesn’t have the tan that he had when I first saw him, but his skin still has a faint olive tone. He holds out my bag with one hand. “You might need this.”
“Thanks.” I smile widely at him and grab my bag. Macsen makes sure that our hands brush against each other. It makes me think about Friday night. I picture touching him, how he kissed me. Glancing at Macsen, I can tell he’s thinking the same thing. His pupils dilate slightly and his jaw flexes, as he looks me over.
Someone coughs loudly and the two of us instantly jerk our heads toward the sound. Haley is looking at Macsen with all her emotions in her eyes. He doesn’t even notice. And that should make me happy, but I feel a twinge of sadness for Haley.
Macsen gives her a friendly smile. “Oh, hey Haley.”
“I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.” Haley walks away before either one of us can respond.
I watch her walk away, feeling deflated. Macsen looks at her with confusion. “What was that about?” he asks.
I cock my head to stare at him. “Tosha made it seem like there was something going on between you and me at lunch. I didn’t want Haley pissed at me.”
“What’s wrong with Tosha saying that? There is something.”
“Haley likes you.”
“Does that make you sad or pissed off?”
“Sad…” I shrug when Macsen gapes at me. “I like Haley.”
He smiles widely and takes a step forward. I grip his arm. Macsen looks down at my hand and smirks at me. Heat fills his eyes and I know I should probably let go, but I don’t want to. I like touching him. Guilt washes over me. My sist
er and entire family flash through my mind, reminding me why I’m here.
I think I’m already in too deep. Girls fall for the ‘wrong’ guy all the time. But I don’t know if that’s what is happening here. I don’t know if I’m falling or pushing myself off a cliff when it comes to Macsen. Because he doesn’t feel wrong—everything about him feels right.
I keep my hand firmly in place and Macsen walks closer. He looms over me, so close that I see a tiny scar on his cheek. I want to reach out and touch it. But I keep still, and wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to keep warm.
“So did you read the books in my bag?” I ask.
He reaches out and rubs his hands up and down my arms. I want to close my eyes over how good it feels to have him touch me. “No, I resisted the urge.”
“I’m shocked,” I murmur. “I thought you would.”
“No. I figured that Shura guy was off limits.”
I tisk and he watches my lips the entire time. If I were bolder I would lick them, just to see his reaction. “You sound jealous of Shura.”
Macsen smiles as his fingers tangle into my hair. I’m not even sure what we’re talking about anymore. “I’m not jealous of a fictional character.”
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“I’m sure.” He grins so wide, I can’t help but smile in return. That smile slowly fades as he looks at me thoughtfully and tilts my head back so he can look me in the face. He rubs his thumb against my bottom lip. “I keep thinking about Friday night,” he admits.
My lids feel heavy. I repress the urge to close my eyes and sink closer to Macsen. “Me too.”
This should feel wrong. But my mind keeps chanting: right, right, right.
“When am I going to see you again?”
“I’m right in front of you,” I tease.
“I mean, when do I get you to myself?” His asks in a sexy whisper.
Keeping my eyes open, I blink once and then twice. My answer will change everything and I don’t know if I’m ready for the consequences. “Tonight,” I say with my voice shaking. “See me tonight after tutoring.”
His throat constricts. “Okay,” he rasps out. “If I can last that long.” He takes a step back and closes his eyes as if he’s in pain. When he opens them, I see that he wants to stay here with me. “I need to go to class.”
