Our eyes held.
She said, ‘You will let me marry him, won’t you? Promise you won’t spoil things.’
Did she think I had the energy for destruction? ‘I promise.’
The car arrived to take us to the ceremony and I settled a smile on my face and helped with Mum’s flowers and buckled Iris into her seat belt and tried to stop imagining that, by some miracle, Kass would have jumped on a plane and might be waiting for us at the town hall.
Thinking of him brought him. It was always the way. Mum’s phone pinged, and I just knew it would be another WhatsApp.
‘He’s still in Kerala,’ Mum said, peering at her screen.
Not at the town hall, then.
‘He says he’s thinking of us and he’s sorry not to be here. She flashed her phone at me and Iris. ‘Want to see the photo?’
He didn’t look sorry at all. He was sitting on a bench looking relaxed. A little black dog snuggled against him as if they were best friends. Above them, a palm tree. Above that, an endless stretch of sky.
Mum gently nudged me. ‘All right?’
I said, ‘Yep.’
She said, ‘Missing him?’
I said, ‘Not really.’
She put her phone away. ‘I don’t think I’ll show that to John until later.’
Good plan. Every time Kass sent any kind of message, John went nuts.
At the town hall, we got out of the car. Mum and her maids. We brushed her down and smoothed her out and walked her up the steps. We were greeted by an assistant to the registrar and shown to a lobby outside the council chamber. We were told our cue was the music and that it would be a couple of minutes. He strode away, leaving us alone.
My mouth was dry, and my tummy hurt. Mum was nervous too. She kept patting her hair and giving little anxious glances through a crack in the door.
‘People are still finding seats,’ she whispered. ‘There are so many faces I don’t know.’ She eased the door open a centimetre. ‘Meryam’s here. That’s a relief.’
Iris tapped my arm, then secretively lifted the hem of her bridesmaid dress and flashed a denimed leg at me. ‘Shall I?’
I stared at her, horrified. Was she insane? She had her pirate dungarees underneath. ‘Don’t even think about it.’
‘But I look like a cake.’
‘You look like a princess.’ I hurriedly arranged her dress back into place. ‘And not a badass one.’
Mum let the door swing shut as the music began. ‘It’s starting!’
I smoothed my own dress out and gave Iris a warning look. ‘Be a good girl, OK?’
She nodded. She held her flowers at her waist like she’d been shown. She bowed her head. I linked arms with Mum. Iris fell in behind.
We walked through the door together and the crowd stood up as we slowly made our way down the aisle towards John. People smiled as we walked by. They took photos and videos and nudged one another.
When we got to the front, John looked Mum up and down like he wanted to eat her. ‘You look stunning,’ he breathed.
‘Ah,’ said the crowd.
He smiled his public golden smile. ‘I’m a lucky man.’
Roger stood beaming next to him. In his pocket were two gold rings. In the third row, sitting with her colleagues was Monika.
The registrar welcomed us all. She informed us the room had been duly sanctioned. She told us we were there to celebrate a union and to honour a commitment. She said, ‘If any person present knows of any legal reason why these two people should not be joined in matrimony, they should declare it now.’
Go on, I thought. Do something, Monika.
I’d told her to come, hoping she’d cause a scene. But she sat there doing nothing at all.
The registrar reminded us of the solemn and binding character of the vows. She said marriage was the union of two people voluntarily entered into for life. I thought about Kass then. How warm it had looked under that tree. I wondered if the dog had a name? I wondered if Kass would stay in Kerala for monsoon season and, if he did, how much rain fell and how quickly and was it warm rain? I thought of him laughing under all that water – tilting his face to the sky and drinking it in.
The guests were asked to stand, and Roger was asked to hand over the rings and John and Mum gave each other their token and called upon us to witness it and then it was done. They were pronounced man and wife. They’d promised to be loving, faithful and loyal in their married life together. And none of us had stopped them.
‘You don’t need saving,’ Kass said the first time I met him. ‘You can save yourself.’
But it turned out I couldn’t save anyone.
The sunshine outside the town hall seemed startling because it hadn’t been there before. There were crowds milling about on the steps and standing in the car park in groups. Cerys and Ben were by the gate talking together, and I got that strange envy in my gut again – like a dragging sorrow I didn’t understand.
The photographer was perky, like a posh market-stall trader, bossing everyone around. ‘Bride and groom on the steps please. Everyone else out of shot for a minute.’
I took Iris’s hand and moved to one side as John put his arm round his new wife’s waist. Click went the camera. Mum laughed up into John’s eyes. Click, click.
‘That’s it, wonderful stuff.’
A tiny aeroplane flew over as people threw petals and Mum and John posed. They looked like celebrities in their fancy clothes, dazzling the camera with their smiles.
Ben and Cerys came over. Ben said, ‘Hello, bridesmaids.’
Cerys said, ‘Very pink, the pair of you.’
Iris stuck her tongue out and slunk off. But I twirled for them. I don’t know why. I felt ridiculous.
Ben went off to take photos and Cerys said, ‘How are you feeling about the speech?’
I shrugged. ‘I just want to get it over.’
‘I bet public speaking turns out to be your thing,’ Cerys said. ‘You’re a fantastic actor.’
‘You’ve never seen me act.’
‘No,’ she said, ‘but I’ve heard.’
We both knew she meant from Kass. ‘He didn’t make it,’ I said.
‘Probably in bed with some girl.’
‘He sent a message from India.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘When was the last time you heard from him, Cerys?’
‘I haven’t. I’ve deleted his number and unfriended him.’
She was stronger than me. I was still stalking him on Facebook.
‘Did you know,’ I said, ‘that Kerala has two monsoon seasons? They also have a lot of coconut trees. And they produce more rubber than any other Indian state.’
‘Fascinating,’ Cerys said, ‘but it would help me enormously if we didn’t talk about your brother all the time.’
She used to want to. He’s not my brother, I’d say. But now I knew I’d have to keep quiet. I didn’t want her to suspect me and I wanted to keep being her friend.
‘Now,’ the photographer said, his voice booming across us all, ‘can we have the bridesmaids back please?’
Iris had disappeared, so I posed between Mum and John. He even put his arm round me, which I don’t think he’d ever done before. When he went off to look for Iris, me and Mum had a picture taken. I took her hand and squeezed it.
Goodbye, Mum. Goodbye. Goodbye.
‘Lovely,’ the photographer said. ‘Maybe lean your head on Mum’s shoulder? That’s it. Fabulous.’
Clickety-click.
Guests took pictures of the two of us. Mobiles flashed. The groom had gone, and a new order had arrived – me and Mum masquerading in the sunshine.
But John came back, dragging a reluctant Iris, and the four of us were bossed into different positions. Iris shuffled about looking sulky until John said that if we were ever going to get to the wedding breakfast in time, maybe we could get to the group shots? Soon there was a whole crowd of us on the steps and I found myself standing next to Ben.
&n
bsp; ‘I’ve got something to show you later,’ he said.
‘What kind of something?’
‘A video.’
‘It’s too late for all that.’
He frowned at me. ‘What are you talking about?’
I trotted down the steps away from him. I was going to fail Media Studies along with every other subject and I didn’t want to think about it today. I grabbed Iris by the hand and stood by Meryam instead.
She said, ‘Hello, girls.’
I said, ‘Hello.’
‘You look adorable, the pair of you.’
I said, ‘Thanks.’
‘You remember Barbara?’
A woman leaned across and clutched my arm and looked at me tenderly. ‘It’s been too long, Lexi,’ she said. ‘We were all saying …’
Behind her, a smiling collection of women from my childhood waved at me. I felt like I’d seen them once in a picture book and they’d come to life.
‘Who are they?’ Iris whispered.
I couldn’t remember any of their names, so I hauled her onto my back, so she wouldn’t ask again. ‘Piggyback to the pub, Iris?’
‘See you this evening,’ Barbara said. ‘We’re all coming to the disco.’
‘Disco?’ I said.
She laughed. ‘Girls’ night out.’
Iris wrapped her arms around me and pressed close. ‘Don’t let me go.’
35
We stood about eating canapés until the tables were ready. Total strangers told me and Iris we looked lovely and asked about school and exams and wondered if I was looking forward to the summer and was I going away with friends or off to any festivals?
I held Iris’s hot little hand and experimented with different personas, because how could I say that I wouldn’t pass any exams or that I was permanently grounded and on medication?
‘I’m planning on Oxford University,’ I told one woman. To another I said, ‘I’m going travelling. India, probably.’ I told one smiling couple I had a part in a movie.
‘You’re a big fibber,’ Iris said.
But at least it made her laugh. She hadn’t done that since breakfast. ‘Now, I’ve got a dare for you,’ I said.
Following my instructions, she told the barman that Mum wanted a champagne cocktail. He prettied it up with an umbrella and tinsel stick and she brought it to me as carefully as an egg on a spoon.
‘Are you going to get drunk?’ she said.
She looked disappointed when I told her it was Dutch courage and I was dreading the speech. What would John’s reaction be? Would he get the subtext? I’d spent hours writing and rewriting it with Cerys, but maybe I should change the ending? Would it count as ruining the wedding if John yelled at me after the ceremony?
The alcohol helped, but my courage wavered again when John discovered Kass had a place setting at the top table. ‘What’s this extra chair doing here?’ he hissed. ‘I told them Kass wasn’t coming. There’s even a sodding plate card.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Mum said. ‘I’ll sort it out.’
‘You shouldn’t have to sort it out.’
‘No,’ Mum said, ‘but I will.’
She took the plate card over to a waitress. She pointed back at the chair. John stood by Kass’s place setting as if it had a neon sign above it saying, My son let me down.
Where was Kass right now? Watching astonishing birds flap into palm trees? Kissing girls under the flash of monsoon lightning?
With Kass’s place gone, the table was too big for four of us. Roger was sitting with his employees at the far end of the room. Monika had been placed right at the back. It was the one thing Mum had insisted on – she would not have ‘that woman’ anywhere near her.
Between each course people came sidling over to the top table and we sat there in a row, smiling and nodding as they told us how amazing we looked. It was like being in a shop window.
Just after dessert, Ben came up and squatted next to my chair. ‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Sorry, Ben, I’m busy.’
‘It’s important.’
‘So are my official duties.’ I tipped my glass to him. ‘I’m being nice to people and then I have to do a speech, remember?’
‘Shit,’ he said. ‘I forgot about that. Can I film you?’
Weeks ago, he’d asked me if I wanted to be a movie star. Who would have thought it would turn out this way?
‘Sure,’ I said, ‘knock yourself out.’
When Roger tapped his champagne flute with a spoon and called for quiet, I stood up smiling. I hoped I looked confident even though my legs were quivering.
I knew Ben was filming me. I could feel his attention on the side of my face. He was leaning on the bar with his camera.
Want people to listen? Wait, breathe, look up from your cue cards and give your audience eye contact. Be aware of the back of the room, include everyone.
I said, ‘Some of you will have noticed that I’m not the father of the bride.’ I waited for the laughter and it came. A gentle rippling and a fading away.
‘When my mum asked me to stand in for my granddad today, I said no because I didn’t think I’d do a good job. But then I thought about it and realized it was a way of having him here.’ I tried to calm my breathing. It was too quick and shallow. I cleared my throat. I turned to the next cue card.
‘The father of the bride has three main tasks. His first is to thank everyone for coming. His second is to share amusing stories about his daughter growing up and his third is to pass on wisdom to the groom.’ I paused to check out the tables at the back. People were smiling. Even Monika. But I still didn’t have their full attention. I’d recognize it when it came. It would sound like a hush in the air.
I picked up my glass and raised it. ‘Thank you all for coming.’ Around the room, glasses were raised in response. ‘As for the second task – well, I didn’t know my mum when she was a child. So, instead, I’m going to tell you about the man who raised her.’
I looked at Mum. She was beaming at me.
‘My granddad had a gap in his teeth at the front and he looked like a boy when he smiled. He had grey hair and his favourite outfit was a boiler suit from his days as a mechanic. Whenever I visited, he made a real effort. He had a workshop and we’d make stuff together. Once, we made a wooden car and painted it luminous green. The wheels were coins we hammered flat on an anvil.’ I waited. I had them now. Even the waitresses, lined up by the window with trays on their hips, were listening.
‘We’d go for walks and he’d ask me to pick a plant or a bird and he’d tell me everything he knew about it. He taught me knots and how to climb trees. He came up a lot of trees with me because he said children might be hot-wired to explore, but grown-ups needed to remind themselves.’
I looked at Mum again. Her eyes were bright with tears. I was invoking Granddad and I was glad. He had something to say to John.
‘He got in special food for me and let me watch what I wanted on TV. If I was happy, then he was. And you might think, Oh, that just sounds like he spoiled her. But it wasn’t about money or treats, it was about time and love.’ I smiled at Mum. ‘And he loved you, Mum. I know he did, because your childhood had days like that in it. And I know if he was here, he’d wish you happiness.’
She nodded, her hand on her mouth. I took a sip of water and swallowed hard because I could feel my own tears welling. The room was silent. Not a murmur. This was the moment. I put a hand to the necklace and threaded the stones between my fingers.
Help me out now, Granddad.
‘The third job of the father of the bride is to give the groom advice. I thought about this a lot and I thought maybe I’d have nothing to say. But then I remembered something my granddad told me, and I figured – why would his advice be any different now?’
I put my cue cards down. I’d rehearsed the next bit in the mirror.
‘I never knew my grandmother, but my granddad said she was his soulmate. When I asked what that meant, he said she was the love of
his life. I asked if I’d ever have one of those, and he said he hoped I would. He hoped Mum would too, because she deserved to be adored and I deserved to have a father. “How will we know him?” I asked. Granddad said, “He’ll be a good man.” I asked what that meant, and he said, “He’ll make you happy.” Then he told me there are three rules for making another human happy. I’d like to pass these rules on to you today, John.’
I turned to him. ‘The first rule is to be kind.’ He looked at me, unblinking. ‘The second rule is to be kind.’ I wondered if his fists were clenched under the table. ‘The third rule is to be kind.’
There was a strange quiet after I stopped talking. Mum eventually started the clapping, but it was only lukewarm around the room. I thought people would cheer. I thought Granddad’s words were powerful enough to make the world a different place.
Mum got up and hugged me. ‘Atta girl,’ she said.
I nodded, didn’t know what to say. I’d worked on it for hours – trying to put words in an order where they described a good man and gave advice to a bad man.
‘What effect do you want?’ Cerys had said.
I wanted transformation. I wanted John to hear my grandfather’s words and pledge to change.
John didn’t say anything about my speech when he got up to do his own. He thanked everyone for coming, although I’d already done it. And he thanked me and Iris for being bridesmaids (even though my official function was father-of-the-bride), and Mum for agreeing to be his wife. He told her she was beautiful, reminded us all how lucky he was, and finally mentioned Kass, who sadly couldn’t be with us today.
Then Roger stood up to tell us how reliable an employee John was and how gratifying that he’d finally made an honest woman of Mum. He told a few rubbish jokes, but the people from the office loved it – whooping with laughter at every crap punchline. Maybe they were scared not to be amused in case he sacked them all? Monika wasn’t laughing. She had one strappy shoe half off and was gently swinging it backwards and forwards. I tried to imagine her and John kissing. But then it got disturbing inside my head and I zoned out.
After the speeches, Mum and John went off to cut the cake and the photographer got back into bossy mode and I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror to see if I was different. I couldn’t look myself in the eye for long. I looked like the sort of girl who might tiptoe.
Furious Thing Page 24
