by Shelly Crane
When she said for me to chase her, she meant it. I could see it now. She knew this day would come. The day when the wrong question was asked and she'd shut down, unable to do anything but. But I knew it in my gut that she wanted me to chase her to the depths and pull her free.
"I'm gonna go, but not forever." I kissed the cool skin on the back of her neck. "I told you I'd chase you, and I intend to." She tensed and shuddered. "Bye, sweetheart. For now."
I turned to go and heard her sob, but I didn't stop. She needed to do this. It hurt to hear that and not snatch her up and hold her, but I knew if I didn't leave now, I really would lose her forever.
She needed the chase. She needed me to show her that I wasn't going to leave her for good, that I wanted to save her, and I wasn't afraid of the demons that followed a person. I had my own.
Just as I was about to pull into my driveway, I got a call. It was pretty late, so I answered cautiously. The preacher said the boiler had stopped working at the shelter and wanted to see if my mechanical hands could try to fix it.
I headed to the church feeling pretty crappy about the night. It certainly hadn't gone as I planned, and even though I knew the journey wasn't over, I felt like we were walking on a frozen pond and spring was coming.
I would tiptoe all the way to her if that's what it took.
I would chase her as far as it took.
Maya
I sobbed hard on the kitchen floor, his box of cookies in my lap. I sobbed so hard that my eyes wouldn’t stay open any longer.
I never wanted anyone before, never wanted the hassle of having another person try to pry his way into a heart that was broken long ago.
I thought I was a lost cause, an empty shell, a vacant body wandering around, waiting for the next person to be taken from me. When he showed up, he made me want to be pried open like a fortune cookie.
And at the first sign of him trying to dig a little deeper, I sent him away and basically told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.
I shook my head. I was such a coward. And Will. He knows me. He's called my cowardice 'the vault' since I got back from rehab. I don’t like to talk about things. I don't want to rehash. I just want to forget.
I wiped a tear angrily. I was going to have no one in my life if I kept doing this. It hurt so bad in my chest, to talk about the way I used to be. About the way Mom's death made me a weak, pathetic version of myself that I despised. It wasn't her fault, and she would be ashamed to see how I handled it.
No more.
I stood and wiped my nose and eyes before making my way to Will's room. I knocked and he answered immediately. I went and sat on his bed edge gently. He stared. He was a lot like Milo in that way; he waited for me to be ready and didn't push. I crawled up the covers and laid my head on his shoulder. I took his fingers in mine, trying not to feel how cold they were, trying to push away what the doctor said last week, and let it all spill out.
All of it. I'd never told him that piece of me before, and if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be Will.
I told him how little I valued myself or my body. How I did anything anyone wanted if they'd let me stay there and give me something, anything to make me numb. How I only passed my classes at school because I paid for the test answers. About how even though I was better, I thought about how much I wanted to get high every single day. I told him how I didn't know what I was going to do when he was gone. How he was everything, and I had told Milo he was sick, but not how sick, because it was my job, my burden. Will was mine and I didn't want to share his last days with anyone else. I didn't want their sympathy or pity. I just wanted to get through each day, because that in itself was hard enough.
He squeezed my hand the best he could and listened, not saying a word. I sat there forever it seemed and told him all there was to tell. At some point, I fell asleep and woke right where I'd fallen asleep. His color looked better today. I eased off the bed and ran to grab a shower.
I had somewhere I had to go before work.
But when I drove by his apartment, his Jeep wasn't there. His Jeep wasn't at the mechanic's shop either.
I felt doubly awful. I still had a half hour before I had to be at work, so I figured I'd go get some muffins and coffee for everybody. As I drove through town, I did see his Jeep at the church in town, the one with the shelter we worked with a lot. They helped people and sent some of them our way.
My breath caught. I hoped yesterday didn't make Milo do something…but then I realized how arrogant that statement was and rolled my eyes at myself. I pulled in and wondered if it was too stalkery to go and see him in there.
Should I wait it out and talk to him after work and hope everything was okay. Joey, the preacher's daughter, pulled up beside me, her music blaring, her blond hair blowing in the wind. She hopped out, her jaw dropping at the sight of Milo's Jeep. She turned positively giddy as she bounced her way inside.
It was then that I had my first taste of jealousy. It sucked majorly. He had never mentioned her before, but if this was where he got help from, he knew her, probably very well.
Then there they were—she was hanging on his arm and he was smiling as they climbed into his Jeep. I stared, my heart hurting so badly. Then I remembered what Milo had said about assuming. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He wouldn't do that to me or to her. He wasn't that guy. They were probably just good friends and he hadn't mentioned her yet. I opened my eyes, begging them not to betray me, and looked over to see her scruffing his hair.
He laughed and pushed her hand off, but then he saw me. His whole face changed from one of carefree happiness to one of fallen upset. I felt that like a bullet through my chest. She made him laugh and smile. All I had done was make him work for my attention. Made him chase me. What guy wants to work that hard for a girl? Especially a good looking guy who could have a lot of other girls.
I saw him move to get out, but she stopped him, putting her hand on his arm. He looked at her and back to me. That was it for me. I put the car in reverse, looking at him the entire time, and backed out. He shook off her arm and got out, holding his arms out in a Don't do this motion.
Joey basically glared at the whole scene, not understanding anything, which made it clear that she had no idea who I was either. I didn't peel away in anger; I pressed the gas slowly, and honestly in my heart and soul just wanted him to be happy and find some peace. If it was with her, then so be it.
She was a beach and I was a storm. It was a no-brainer who the choice would be.
All that morning, I secretly hoped Milo would come and set me straight. I took extra calls and didn't take a break because I needed to keep my head busy. Listening to the caller's problems and telling them what steps to take was easier than dealing with my own.
When lunch rolled around and he still hadn't come, I waved off everyone who invited me to go eat with them. I wasn't hungry. It appeared sulking was on the menu.
I sat on the front steps, closing my eyes, getting some air, and trying to pretend I wasn't falling apart. Though, one good thing did come of this. Will told me last night after I spilled my guts all over the place that me to trusting him was all he ever wanted. I hadn't realized that he thought that me not telling him things translated to me not trusting him. That wasn't it at all.
I just didn't want him to know all the ways I was capable of being so weak. I didn't want him to worry about me when he was gone. I wanted him to know I was going to be fine.
I didn't have much faith in him, it turned out. He said that by knowing I'd gone through all that and still came back, fought it with everything in me, that he knew without a shadow of doubt I was going to be okay.
But I didn't. I doubted it every day.
I opened my eyes to find Milo knelt down in front of me. I hadn't heard him come up and had no idea how long he'd been there. "Milo," I said, my voice shaking.
"You know, I kinda like that name when you say it."
"I wasn't spying," I insisted. "I was just dri
ving by. I went by your place and your work, and you weren't there. I wanted to come and tell you I was sorry."
"Joey's just a friend," he said and lifted his hand to rub my cheek. "There's absolutely nothing going on. She was my sponsor or…whatever. She's the one who helped me stay clean. I lived at the shelter for a while, and she and her father helped me find a place to live and a job. I wasn't hiding her from you. We just hadn't gotten that far yet."
I barely contained my gasp. He supplied more information in that one plea than he had the entire time I'd known him.
"It's not uncommon to develop feelings for your sponsor. It's why it's recommended that sponsors be the same sex. It's called 'hero worship' or something."
He chuckled a little, clearly annoyed. "You think I have hero worship for Joey?"
"I don't know." His shoes were suddenly very fascinating to me. "You were laughing and smiling with her." I sighed forcefully. "Look, I'm not being jealous." One of his brows rose. "Maybe a little, but I'm talking big picture. I'll just bring you down. It won't be easy with me like it could be with her or someone else." I looked him right in the eye. "Someone not an addict. Someone who hasn't lost almost everything. Someone who can tell you about her past without wanting to scream." I swallowed painfully. "When you said you were going to chase me, you didn't realize what a chore that would be." I smiled sadly. "Someone like you…I know you've been through a lot, too. And I hoped one day you'd tell me about it, but I was a hypocrite because I never wanted to actually tell you about mine. Someone like you shouldn't have to work so hard for something that should be so simple. Love should be simple." It hurt to say those words.
I couldn't even be embarrassed that I'd said "love" to him. I was in too deep.
I felt his hands on my cheeks, forcing me to keep my gaze on him. "Love isn't simple, Maya."
"But shouldn't it be? Shouldn't it be easy?" My voice cracked and I knew I was barely hanging on.
"You don't appreciate the things that come easy. The things we fight for are the things that we keep with us for forever."
I thought about how my dad fought for me. How he bailed me out of jail so many times and kept believing I would come back to him one day.
I felt him wipe a tear with his thumb. "Whatever it is that you're thinking about right now, that—that will be with you forever."
If he was asking me if I thought what was between us was worth fighting for, then yes, I believed that. I just wanted to believe I was worth it.
I nodded, finally, so he'd know I was listening.
"I was late to work yesterday, so I couldn't be late today, too. Otherwise, I would have come after you sooner. And this wasn't something I was about to try to do over the phone."
"It's okay," I assured him and covered his hand on my cheek with mine. "I'm glad you came at all."
His lips twisted. "Did you honestly think that after the speech I gave you last night, I was going to be done with you so quickly? And that I'd go out you if I really wanted to be seeing someone else?"
"I thought you realized your error and figured out I was a lost cause."
He smiled. "Someone said that about me once. Not too long ago."
"They were wrong."
"So are you, about this."
"I thought I was the counselor and you were the newbie," I joked.
"Role-playing," he mused and grinned. "I like it." His grin faded away and he looked completely serious in his mission as he leaned forward while also tugging me closer. My hands gripped his shirt at his sides to balance me as he took my lips.
I didn't think. I just felt.
I let everything I felt in that moment, just this moment, roll over me and take control. When my mouth opened under his, it wasn't careful like before, it was an invitation. I could tell when he knew this time was different. He dove deep, and the groan that rattled from him made me flush. He let one of his arms wind around my waist and press me to him as his tongue plundered. I felt my fingers wrap in something soft and tugged. Tugging on his hair made him produce all sorts of noises that had me smiling from the inside out.
His thumb smoothed my cheekbone, such a contrast to the scruff from his chin. His hand rubbed across the bottom of my back, over and over.
He pulled back and looked at me. For once, I didn’t squirm. I figured he deserved it for putting up with me. "Can I see you later?"
I nodded emphatically. He smiled wide at that. I swung my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me. His palms moved to my sides, and it was amazing how warm they were. It was like he was on fire.
I nibbled and bit into his bottom lip.
"Good night, woman." He chuckled against my mouth. "You're torturing me."
"Are you on your lunch break?" He nodded and looked at my watch, lifting my wrist. "And you're late," I guessed.
"I'm not going to have a job anymore if I keep this up, bt would be worth it."
He leaned up and kissed my forehead before standing. He smirked, walking backward away from me a few steps before turning. I wasn't ashamed to say I watched his behind as he left. He turned quickly and his smirk grew into a burning smile that had me struggling for normal breaths. "I saw that," he said smugly. He chuckled, probably seeing the way my neck turned pink from where he was. "Bye, sweetheart."
"Bye, Milo," I said loudly, letting him know that Milo was indeed the final name I had decided to call him. A man should be called by the name his mother gave him.
Milo
I knew I was pushing my luck, but I asked to be let off work an hour early. Tom was such a sap—a sap that brought in his wife's cookies and homemade sweet bread almost every day. I'd been to their house once and never, ever saw two people who loved each other the way those two did.
So I knew the big softy would understand.
I told him a basic rundown of everything that had happened and how I needed to beat Maya home, to get a few things ready. That I needed to take the chasing up a notch if I wanted this girl to trust me and let me into every single part of her. That she put up a very convincing front, but inside she was a girl screaming for someone to love her unconditionally, to promise to never leave her as everyone before had done, even if they hadn't meant to.
I may not have embellished that much, but he got the gist.
He laughed and cheesy-smiled as he said I could take off early, especially when I told him what I had planned. So I went to my apartment, took the quickest shower of my life, and then high-tailed it downstairs to pick up the order I had called in at the Chinese place.
I knocked on Will's door and hoped the guy wasn't sleeping or at work. I hadn't even thought about that. I didn't know if he'd gone back to work or not. He answered, looking crummier than before, if that was possible, but immediately brightened at what he saw in my arms. He laughed. "Wow. Whipped like butter."
I grinned. "They are revoking my man-card as we speak."
He laughed his words. "Come on in."
I felt a little bit of embarrassment, but there was no backing out at this point. Extreme measures were called for with this girl. "Thanks, man."
"I take it you made up?"
I dumped everything on the table. "Why? This wouldn't be a good apology?"
"It totally would be." He grinned, enjoying my squirming. He was a tall guy, his hair dark like hers, his skin pale but different—where she was fair, he looked pale in the sick way. "However, from the stupid grin on your face, I'd say this wasn't an apology. You're trying to drive your point home. Am I right?"
"Your sister is a beautiful pain in my rear."
He laughed hard, leaning on the counter with his elbow. "That's the best description I've ever heard."
"I have some things I have to do tonight, so I figured I'd…" I looked at the pile. "Make sure she was thinking about me."
"Mission accomplished, brother." He laughed, but that turned into a cough. A deep cough.
"You all right? Still sick?"
He looked up. His head shook just barely, not in answer,
but in disappointment. "She's going to come around one day. She'll bust wide open and everything she's kept locked away will come spilling out. Just tell me that you'll be there to pick up the pieces and she won't be alone. Tell me that you won't be the guy who likes the chase and then bails when things get hard." His throat worked. "Tell me she'll have one person in her life who won't leave her."
This was way more than some big brother talk. God, no… "Will, what's wrong…with you? What kind of sickness do you have?"
He chuckled a little sullenly. "Strangely...in this case, it's not mine to tell." He sobered and shuffled his bare feet to stand in front of me. He was taller than me by a mere inch. "If you're not up to the task, then leave now. I love her, but I know her. She won't survive anything else."
"This isn't some fling, if that's what you mean. I don't know what's going on with you, man, but Maya and me… She's safe with me. I promise you."
He nodded. "That's all I needed to hear."
He patted me on the shoulder as he passed. I watched him go. You couldn't miss how thin he was, how miserable he was, but tried to pretend he wasn't. I leaned against the counter and thought. I wondered when she was going to tell me everything—about her brother most of all.
I had to figure out a way to show her she could trust me with this.
I looked at the pile I'd brought and smiled as I imagined her coming home to find it. And then I got to work.
I hopped out of the Jeep at my apartment and jingled my keys in my hand, smiling to myself smugly as I thought about her coming home. I changed before taking off to the farewell dinner for Joey. Her parents were throwing her a Congratulations on your new job party at the church.
She seemed a little different though. She didn't seem as happy about the decision to leave as she had been before, like maybe things hadn't turned out as perfect and rosy as she thought they'd be. After I saw Maya at the church the other day and knew that she had gotten the wrong idea about Joey and me, Joey had acted a little strange about her. She said that any girl that stalked me all over town wasn't worth my time, but she didn't understand anything about Maya and me.
