by Shelly Crane
I didn't argue. I nodded. "Of course."
His eyes were closing and I begged him to say something, anything. "No, stay with me, Will. No." I started to push on his chest, over and over. Minutes went by and nothing happened. He was so pale and he didn't move.
I heard Maya run in and slam on her knees beside me right before the sirens blared outside in the street. She put Will's head in her lap and started to rock him softly. I didn't think she'd want me to comfort her. I stole her last minutes with her brother, but I had to try. I crawled over behind her and wrapped my arms around her. When she didn't push me away, I sighed. "I'm so sorry, baby."
"Was he already like this when you got here?" she asked and sniffed.
"No. He let me in, but he wasn't acting right. We talked for a little while and then he collapsed. I tried to give him CPR, but he wouldn't come back." She looked at me over her shoulder, her pale face tear-streaked and shaking. "Maya, I'm sorry."
"At least he wasn't alone," she said and closed her eyes. She leaned her forehead against my shoulder. "He wasn't alone."
She cried hard—so hard I checked to make sure she was breathing a few times because her heaves were so long. When they tried to take the body from her, I knew we were about to have a problem. She fought them for a few minutes, saying she needed some more time, why couldn't she just sit with him for a while longer. But after a few minutes turned into more than an hour, they had to take him. I wrapped my arms around her from behind and her shaking made me ache in ways I'd never ached before. The police came because I had called 911, and I gave my statement and name to a nice officer. It was all very quick and straightforward. I tried to get Maya to eat something that night, but she wouldn't. She just sat on the couch and stared at the wall.
When the chaos was over and it was only her and me, I wanted to do anything I could to help her feel an ounce better. I knew that was stupid. Your brother dying wasn't something that could be fixed, but I hated not being able to do anything for her.
I went to the couch and sat beside her. Pulling her into my lap, she surprised me by straddling me instead of sitting sideways like she usually did. She sighed against my lips. "Milo," she begged.
"You want me to fix you some tea or some coffee? Anything, you just tell me and I'll do it for you."
It was dim in the room. All the lights were off but one lamp. Even still, I could still see the look in her eyes as she lifted her gaze to meet mine. "Make me forget."
I froze. "What, baby?"
"Make me forget that my brother died today. Make me forget that I should have been here." She leaned in and slammed her mouth on mine, pressing her entire body, hips to head, against me. The groan that rattled from me was inevitable.
And I felt guilty as hell.
"Baby," I pleaded and pulled back, holding her face like she was the precious thing she was, "you don't really want to do this."
She pulled back and took the hem of my shirt in her hands before yanking it over my head forcefully. Her lidded eyes and forceful hands said she did want to do this, but the tears on her cheeks and the way her breathing hitched every few seconds in her efforts to control her sobs begged to differ.
She was back on my lips before I could say anything else. She pulled me down on top of her and planted me right between her knees. She ran her hands over my head and down my back. My eyes rolled into my head at how good it felt. I gripped her thigh to gain some control, but found myself pulling her hips closer as she dove deeper and deeper into my mouth. She made this cross between a pant and a moan, and it was my undoing. I let all my weight fall onto her, and it seemed to be what she was waiting on. She dug her nails into my back and shoulders as I tugged her closer. She got pretty ferocious after that, seemingly satisfied that she was getting her way, but when I felt something cold and wet on my cheek, I remembered the reason why this was so, so not the time for this.
"Sweetheart," I smoothed under her eye with my thumb, thinking of anything I could say in that moment to make her understand this wasn't rejection, "I can't wait for the day that I can have you under me like this, with that look on your face," I turned my face in her palm, "with your hands on me, doing everything I ever wanted to do to you." I bore my eyes into hers to make sure she knew I was right here with her. That I just wanted to be here with her, for her, and not take advantage. "But not like this, baby. I want to take you when we both have to or the world will catch on fire. Not when your heart is breaking. Please don't ask me to do that. Let me hold you. All night, I just want to hold you."
Her eyes begged me. No longer to take her in a rush but for another kind of relief. I slipped my shirt back on quickly and turned us so my back was open to the couch and she was in the cocoon of my arms and the couch cushions. Pulling the blanket from the back of the couch, I felt bad that it was Will's blanket, but she didn't seem to care or mind. I tucked it up to her chin and she nuzzled her face into my neck, her lips slightly parted, and her breaths puffing against my neck as she tried to keep her sobs silent and in check. "Let go, baby."
"No," she said immediately. "I can't."
"If you can't let go with me, then who?"
"I'll…" she hiccupped. "Milo."
I cupped her face. "I'm right here. I've got you." I pressed my lips to her forehead and whispered, "Let go, sweetheart."
Her fingers dug into my side before they slipped into the fabric of my shirt, gripping and twisting. I squinted at the thought of leaving her ever again. I couldn't imagine her here in this apartment by herself. I shook that thought away to think of that another time. The first of many wet tears ran down my neck and my chest shook with hers as she could no longer hold on to her plight.
I wrapped my arms all the way around her and held on tight. It was a long, sleepless night for us both, but that was the burden of love, wasn't it? Only it wasn't a burden at all. There wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be than there with her. I'd never seen a girl so broken in my life. Not even Mamma when Dad left or when her brother died, though I was pretty little then. Maybe it was different because my heart felt different about Maya.
In the morning, there was barely any light coming through the window. I felt exhausted, but somehow looking down and finding Maya asleep with a peaceful look on her face made me feel a million times better.
There was a buzz in my pocket, so I grabbed my cell quickly. A text from Mason said he was almost to my apartment. I chuckled under my breath. I should have known Mason would come when I told him what happened. I sent him Maya's address and told him where the spare key was so I didn't have to get up and wake Maya.
I lay there and listened to Maya's soft breathing for the next twenty minutes while I waited for him to arrive, brushing her hair behind her ear over and over, wiping under her eyes to remove her marred makeup from crying, smoothing her cheeks just because I wanted to.
When I heard the click of the lock, I lifted my head to see Mason with armloads of food and Emma behind him, baby in her arms. I sighed. "Hey."
"Hey." He set everything down on the counter and came to stand behind the sofa, looking down at us. "How's she doing?"
I looked down at my beautiful, broken girl and pressed my lips to her head. "She's the strongest, bravest girl I know."
Maya
"She's the strongest, bravest girl I know."
My breath hitched in my throat, but I let it out slowly. I didn't want them to know I was awake. I wasn't ready to face the day that had already wrapped me tightly in its grip. But strongest? Bravest? I scoffed bitterly in my mind. What girl had he fallen for?
"It's hard," Mason said, his voice was gravelly, "to lose a brother. I'm sure." He cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, Mase."
"Nah, man. I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm just…relating. Or not, really." He sighed. "You're here. Her brother's not ever coming back." I gritted my teeth, lightning shooting through the back of my eyes. Pain. Nothing but pain.
I felt my hair being touched and then Emma's voice near my he
ad. "Was she able to eat anything last night?"
"No. She bawled all night." His voice sounded as though he was in pain just from saying that. "I've never seen a woman cry so hard. I couldn't do anything except lay here and hold on to her. I've never felt so useless."
"I promise you that's what she needed," Emma told him. "We brought a little of everything. We didn't know what you liked."
"You didn't have to," Milo insisted.
"We wanted to." I could hear the baby grunting. "We're your family."
His head nodded against mine. "Family. God…" he laughed, a little choked noise. "Will was…the funniest guy. He busted my chops at every move, but would turn around and be so totally cool about Maya and me. He told me once he was glad Maya had someone because he knew— " He gripped me tighter and spoke softer. "He knew this was going to be hard and didn't want her to be alone. He asked me if I was in this for the long haul." Milo gave a sharp, breathy laugh. "He said if I wasn't to leave then." I thought back to something Milo had said to me once… This is what the long haul looks like… I barely kept my sob under control. "He could come up with these comebacks like you just… He was good to Maya, and she was good to him. They were all they had left."
"She has you," Emma whispered.
"Is that enough?" Milo asked. My heart could have shattered right there on that couch. Even after last night, he still thought he wasn't enough for me? "Will was a saint," Milo said, his voice as low as gravel. "Will was such a great guy. He deserves to be here for her. After all the things this girl has been through, she deserves just one break." I felt his hand cupping my jaw and holding me tighter to him. "She deserves more than me."
Mason's hard-edged voice cut through the tension. "Stop." Milo kissed my forehead and moved his fingertips in circles on my skin, whether or not to ignore Mason, I didn't know. "I've seen you two, and what I saw was my brother in love with a girl who's in love with him. Two people who have had a bad run. I told you once that it took a long time to forgive myself for what I did."
"Mason—"
"And it's something that still creeps up every now and then, but are you really going to let her go because you don't deserve her?"
Milo's throat made a small growl. "I never said anything about letting her go."
"Then what the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm just… Maya did everything she could to keep Will healthy. And Will hated it, but it's health food. Who likes it, you know? Will and I snuck some junk food a few times, and Maya would get so angry. She just wanted to keep him as long as possible. We were friends. He trusted me. He knew I…" He made an angry noise in his throat. "He knew I had pull with Maya. I persuaded her to lay off, let Will live a little, and now look. Look what my meddling did. She’ll never forgive me." His whole body was shaking. Mason was trying to say something, calm him down, but Milo kept going. I just held on to his shirt and couldn't believe what I was hearing. "She's going to wake up and hate me. She's going to remember how I told her it wasn't a big deal if he cheated once in a while and she's going to hate me for taking the only person she had left in the world."
No more. "He wasn't."
Milo sucked in a quick breath and tucked his chin in to see my face as I looked up at him. His thumb rubbed across my cheekbone. "This is probably the dumbest question I'll ever ask, but how are you, sweetheart?"
"I'm awful," I answered truthfully. His face fell even further, which I didn't think was possible. "Isn't that how I'm supposed to be? Wouldn't I be a million times worse if you weren't here?"
His eyes looked hopeful. "You would?"
"Will wasn't the only person in the world I had left." The first tear of the day slid from the outside of my eye and I let it go. "You are."
He kissed my forehead and left his lips there. "I'm so sorry. Are you hungry?"
I shook my head. "No."
"You need to eat sometime, sweetheart."
"And I will. I'm going to take a shower, okay?"
He looked unsure. "Uh…okay."
He helped me from the couch and watched me go. I didn't say anything to Emma or Mason, which I know wasn't polite, but I got a pass from the couth police when a family member died, didn't I?
I tossed my clothes on the floor of my bedroom as I went through and let the water beat down on me as I sat on the tiles. I stared at the glass and wondered how a person was supposed to act. I didn't even have family to come to a funeral. Will hadn't had a job in a long time. He barely had friends from school he kept in touch with. I doubted there would be very many people there, and that in itself would break my heart.
I could imagine getting up there to give his eulogy and all I could think about was how there was no way I was doing it sober. I covered my head with my hands, but it was too late. It was in there. It had been a long time since the urge to get drunk outweighed everything else. The pit in my stomach gnawed and begged me to feed it. Just toss something in there to make the pain go away. Anything, everything.
It hadn't felt like very long when I saw Milo's face in front of mine, but in actuality, it could have been forever. "Sweetheart, please talk to me."
"What?"
He sighed. "You've been in here for almost an hour."
I looked around. "Sorry."
"You don't have to be." He swept his thumb over my cheek. "Please don't shut me out. Let me be here for you."
I looked down at myself and realized the water had been turned off and Milo had wrapped a towel around me. A gasp escaped before I could stop it. "What?"
"It's okay," he soothed and took my arms to help me stand. "Come on. You need to eat something."
"Not hungry."
He set me on the bed and went to my dresser to search for clothes.
"At this point, sweetheart, I'm not really giving you a choice." He pulled open all the wrong drawers, but I didn't help him, just let him look and watched him do it. When he opened my underwear drawer, the little hitch in his movements didn't escape my notice. He grabbed the first pair he saw on top, the bra that was next to it, and came to me. His words were spoken so softly, as if he thought I'd break from them. "I'll help you if you want me to."
I stared at his neck in my line of sight. "You've already seen me naked, haven't you? I doubt it matters now."
"I didn't look before," he replied, a little hurt by what I said. He lifted my chin. "I think if I wanted to take advantage of you like that, I could have done it last night."
I felt my bottom lip quiver, no matter how hard I tried to hold it in. "I'm sorry." I gripped his shirt front hard in my fingers. "I'm so sorry."
He cupped my cheeks gently and kissed my lips. "You're allowed to break down, baby."
I reached up on my toes to kiss him again and tasted the tears on my lips. "But I'm not allowed to be a jerk to you when you stayed with me all night."
"If it helps you get through this, you can," he said, serious.
I scoff-laughed. "No." I wiped my eyes. "Okay. I'll get dressed and then come eat something."
He looked like he wanted to stay, but nodded. "Okay." But he didn't leave. He looked at me closely, his hazel eyes on mine as he wiped away the last tear from my eye. "I love you," he said low, just for me.
It was only my second time hearing it, but it felt like I'd been hearing that in my soul my entire life from this boy. "I love you."
"Oh, my gosh," I groaned quietly as I bit into the roll and pork chop Emma had set before me when I emerged from my shower. That was almost half an hour ago, and I hadn't even realized how hungry I was until the first bite of bread and butter hit my tongue. We stood at the counter and ate together. Milo stood behind me, his arms under mine as his palms rested on the counter top. "This is so good, Emma. Thank you."
"I didn't make it." She laughed. "I wish I did." She nuzzled the baby. "But Jackson doesn't let me get anything extra done, do you, buddy? But you're welcome."
"Either way, thank you. You didn't have to come, but I appreciate it." I leaned back into Milo's chest, f
eeling the safe warmth there. He kissed my neck and I turned my cheek for him to kiss me there, too.
"Of course," Mason answered. "We're family."
That statement may have been an attempt to make me feel better, but it wasn't doing the trick. It actually made me feel as if bile was rising in my throat. I didn't look up at him, just kept eating. I looked over my shoulder at Milo and lifted a bite of cornbread for him. He took a small bite at first and then took my hand, going back for a bigger bite that wiped out half of my piece of cornbread. I couldn't help but let a chuckle slip through.
He laughed, too, and licked the crumbs off his lips, but the sounds of our laughs together…made me feel physically ill. He saw the change come over me, and his arms around me pulled me against him tighter. "It's all right. You can laugh. Will would want you to. It's okay, sweetheart."
I stared at the granite countertop and tried not to break down, because all I wanted to do was snatch the keys I knew were in the little blue bowl by the door, stop at the first store in town, and grab anything with alcohol, just to take the edge off the pain, just to numb the way I felt in this moment.
Emma and Mason were good at the cutting tension. I had to give them that. Every time I pulled an awkward move or silence, they were there to pick up the conversation once again.
Finally, I could take it no longer and decided to take the awkwardness into my own hands and took the baby from Emma. I almost thought she might refuse me. Jackson was only a couple weeks old, and who knew what they thought of my mental state. It was getting dark. We'd sat around my living room and kitchen all day long, eating and cleaning up, eating again and cleaning up, doing anything and everything to keep me busy and not talk about what I was inevitably going to have to talk about tomorrow—Will's funeral.
"Do you mind?" I asked and held my hands out for the baby.
"No." She smiled. "Of course not. I practically owe you this baby anyway." She laughed and stood, setting him into my arms along my chest. "He didn't even want to come until his friend Maya coaxed him out."
