by Angela Mack
Chapter 25
Isabel
For the second time since I had gotten home, I was staring into the bottom of the toilet bowl after retching and vomiting. How could a parent want to hurt their own child? Their own flesh and blood? It was unfathomable.
I thought back to the time I had walked Georgie home and Josh had collapsed on me. It had been his father that had done that to him! His father had literally beaten him to a pulp so that he couldn't even stand up.
Everything started clicking into place; the excessive amount of locks on the bedroom door, the broken beer bottles in the other bedroom, the poor living conditions and lack of food. It was all screaming abuse and I had completely missed it. I thought it was a loan shark, for Christ's sake! Josh was my friend and yet if I hadn't followed him out the library, I would never have overheard his conversation and would still be none the wiser. I'd still be avoiding asking him about his life for fear of a difficult conversation. God, I am pathetic. And bloody useless. And I agreed to keep his secret. That was the worst part. It didn't feel right to not talk to Mum at least, she'd know what to do, but I was still haunted by the sheer terror in his eyes at the thought of Ryan and Georgie being taken away. I'd never forgive myself if I was the reason that his family was torn apart. No, for now, I'd keep quiet, but as soon as that monster showed up, I was calling the police myself.
"Love, are you OK?" Mum knocked on the bathroom door.
"Yeah! Just one of those twenty-four-hour hour stomach bugs, I think," I lied.
"I'll go grab you some water." For some reason, this set me off again, tears running uncontrollably down my cheeks. My mum was getting me a glass of water to help me feel better, whereas Josh's dad was AWOL, nowhere to be found, and that was a good thing.
My phone started vibrating in my pocket and Josh's name flashed on the screen. I immediately willed myself to calm down. He needed me to be strong for him.
"Hello?" I answered, sounding far calmer than I felt.
"Hey. What you up to?" Josh also sounded normal. I'd begged him to come back to ours again tonight, but he’d refused, saying he needed time alone with his brothers.
"Just, er, chilling in my room. Everything OK?"
"Yeah. No. I mean, yes, but I need a favour."
"Anything. What do you need?" I sat up straighter, ready to pounce into action.
"I can't leave Ryan and Georgie at home on their own anymore. In case he comes back and I'm not there. I'm going to swap my shifts around at work, so I only work weekends and Ollie is going to look after them on Saturdays, but is there, er, any way on Sundays that maybe…"
"Yep. Not a problem. They are welcome over anytime." There was silence at the end of the phone. "Josh? You still there?"
"Yeah, sorry. Thank you. That means a lot, Izzy. I hate to ask but I can't risk…" he sounded a little hoarse.
"Hey. It's absolutely fine, I promise."
"Will your parents mind? Will they start asking questions?"
"No, they won't mind, but yes, they'll ask why. I'll just say...that you didn't know about Ryan's bruises and that he's been getting into fights at school. Erm, you and your Dad work the same shift on Sundays, so you need someone to make sure Ryan doesn't get into trouble?" It would be a miracle if Mum and Dad fell for that, but I needed to tell them something.
"OK. Fingers crossed they believe it," he voiced my thoughts aloud.
"Isn't that a bit much for you now, though? Working all weekend? You won't get a day off."
"I'll actually be doing less hours, and I don't even know how we'll make that work, but I'll be fine."
"Josh, are you sure we shouldn't talk to someone about this? You shouldn't have to work so much to support your family and…"
"Izzy. No. We aren't telling anyone. You promised, remember? I'm trusting you not to tell anyone." Guilt and shame settled in my stomach, raising another round of nausea that I fought to keep at bay.
"OK…" I whispered.
"Thank you. For everything, Izzy. I'm sorry I was such a mess today. It was just a shock. But we have a plan now, and I have you. You're my sunshine in this shitty life right now." My eyes welled up and my throat turned dry, making it difficult to speak.
"I'm always here for you, Josh," I croaked. "And for your brothers too." I hung up, not trusting myself to not break down on the phone with him. He needed me to be the strong one, to be his rock and his shoulder to cry on. Not the other way around.
"Here's your water. Can I come in?" Mum called softly through the door. Shit, how long had she been standing out there? How much had she heard? I replayed our conversation in my head. There wasn't anything too incriminating she'd have heard from only my end of the conversation. I took a deep breath, roughly wiped my face and unlocked the door.
"Oh honey, you look terrible."
"Thanks Mum," I grumbled, taking large gulps of water. She sat cross-legged on the tiled floor opposite me, peering at me in concern.
"Are you sure it’s a bug? There's nothing else going on? Sounded like you were having a pretty serious conversation with Josh?" I hated lying to her, but I repeated the story I'd come up with.
"Oh, it was nothing. Well, except Josh's dad's shifts have changed at work and he now has to work Sundays. But Josh already works Sundays and his manager won't let him swap. And Josh asked if we'd mind having Ryan and Georgie over on Sundays. So Ryan doesn't get into any more trouble and Georgie isn't on his own…" I was rambling, my lie building more and more as I struggled to make my excuse sound good enough.
"Of course. No problem. What are they doing on Saturdays? Do they need to come over then too?" It was times like this that I really loved my mum. She was always wanting to help others, no matter the cost. Dad always joked that it was a miracle we had a roof over our heads with the amount of money she donated to charity.
"They're with another friend on Saturdays."
"Well, they are welcome over anytime. They are lovely boys who have clearly been dealt a bit of a rough hand in life. Did you find out what happened to Ryan?" I gulped before answering.
"Yeah, it was just fighting at school, like I told you. That's why Josh doesn't want to leave him on his own at the weekend, in case he gets into trouble." I avoided her eyes like the plague, knowing she'd see right through me. She nodded.
"But you need to promise me that you’ll tell me if something else happens, Isabel, OK? If Ryan's getting bullied or fighting too much or, anything, promise me you’ll tell me?” I nodded, feeling like a fraud. "Good. We'll help in any way we can. Especially if their own parents aren't around much. Georgie is such a sweetie. They all are." She smiled at me through her concern.
"I'm worried. About Josh," I blurted out. Mainly to distract myself from the nausea that was back again. "He's working so many hours at the weekend just to pay the bills and…"
“What's his father doing? Why is Josh paying bills? I thought you said his dad worked long shifts?" Mum interrupted, a deep frown splitting her forehead.
"He does. He’s hardly ever home! But it's not enough to cover all the bills and food and stuff. So Josh works to make up the difference." All these lies were leaving a terribly sour taste in my mouth.
"Hmmm…" she stared at me as if she could read my mind and I looked away again, not wanting to cave and blurt it all out and betray Josh's trust.
"Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do." I was worried what that meant but I couldn't carry all this on my own. It was exhausting. I needed someone to help me at least a little bit too.
Chapter 26
Joshua
I can quite comfortably say that this week has been the worst of my life. I couldn’t think about my meltdown in front of Izzy; the shame and embarrassment were too overwhelming. It was like I was treading water with weights attached to my feet and there were almost too many for me to stay afloat. My chin was above the water and every time my mind started wandering back to that day, the water would slap at my face, threatening to drown me. And if I thought back to the
conversation I’d had with my brothers later that night, it was like someone had a death grip around my lungs, squeezing and forcing every inch of air out of me.
We hadn’t actually spoken many words. It was more like a cruel, sick, twisted version of show and tell. They showed me their scars and bruises and I forced myself to listen to exactly how they got each one. Punched. Kicked. Back handed. Whipped.
One small mercy was that Georgie didn’t have many. The downside to that was that it was because Ryan had taken it all. I had to run to the bathroom and throw up repeatedly when he showed me his back. Sammy hadn’t even seen the half of it. The belt marks across the backs of his legs were the worst. It reminded me of the scene in The Da Vinci Code where Silas uses self-flagellation and you see the horrendous wounds he inflicts on himself. Except in Ryan’s case, he was an unwilling participant.
It turns out that Big Mike was getting home from work a lot earlier than I thought. He’d get back around 6 p.m., take out his frustrations on my little brothers, then go back out to get drunk or high, or whatever the hell else he was doing. I’d get home from work after 9 p.m. and be none-the-wiser, relieved that he hadn’t yet returned from work. What a fucking idiot.
Well, it sure as shit wasn’t happening again. I’ve switched my shifts at work so that I only work weekends, meaning I can be damn sure nothing happens to either of them after school. Ollie said that his mum had finally started going over to Detective Dipshit’s house (his words, not mine), so he wasn’t hanging around his as much. Georgie and Ryan could chill out over his. They’d have the house to themselves anyway, as he worked at an insurance company on Saturdays. It was only answering the phone and putting invoices together or something, but it would look good on his CV apparently (cue eye roll). Izzy's parents had kindly agreed to have them over on Sundays, which I knew they were both secretly very happy about. Well, it was no secret with Georgie. He’d squealed in delight when I told him. I was concerned that Sammy or Charlie would start asking questions, but I had no other choice right now. I had to keep my brothers safe.
Part of me prayed that Big Mike would return. It had been over three weeks now and still no sign of him. I wanted him to walk through that door so I could beat the living shit out of him. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. He needed to pay. Deep down I knew I’d kill him if I saw him again, but who gives a fuck? He deserved to die. And I deserved to be punished for failing Georgie and Ryan in the first place. Win win.
“Josh! Someone’s at the door!” Georgie called from downstairs. I’d only gone upstairs to change into something more comfortable, but had ended up laying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling for God knows how long.
“Coming!” I tried to shake the failure and despair off of me (yeah right, nice try) and plastered a neutral expression on my face. When I entered the kitchen, Ryan was heating some beans in the microwave and buttering toast. Not exactly an exotic dinner, but it was filling nonetheless. And cheap. I still haven't quite figured out how I’m going to make our money stretch even further on my reduced hours. I was avoiding thinking about it altogether, if I’m honest.
For the millionth time, I wished that we had a peep hole installed. My damn anxiety went through the roof every time I approached the door, fearful of who was on the other side. Yep, I know, pathetic.
“Mr Joshua Bugg?” There was a guy holding a piece of paper in a navy uniform, with the local supermarket name embroidered across his chest. I could see a large truck parked behind him at the side of the road, hazard lights flashing.
“Er, yeah.”
“Great. I’ll go grab the shopping,” he smiled and darted back to his truck, opening up the back. He returned moments later with a big crate filled with food.
“Shall I take this inside for you or do you want to unpack it here?” he asked after I stared wordlessly at him for a few moments.
“Er...I think there’s a mistake. I haven’t ordered any shopping.”
“Josh!” Ryan hissed from the kitchen. I had briefly contemplated taking the food and not saying anything, but it wasn’t right. Not this much food. Ryan clearly didn’t agree.
“Oh sorry, I forgot. I had very clear instructions for this delivery. Very unusual you know, for someone to call up and provide specific instructions for what to say, but there ya go. Hang on.” He rooted through the pockets of his navy trousers until he located a scrap of paper. He unfolded it carefully, clearing his throat before reading.
“This delivery has been paid for by Samantha Johnson. You will receive a similar delivery every Friday evening. If you have requests, let Samantha know. No arguments. Just accept the food, Josh.” He turned the paper around so I could read the words for myself. What the fuck?
“But I can’t…” The guy held his finger up, interrupting me and quite frankly, pissing me off. He searched his other pocket and pulled out another piece of paper.
“I said no arguments, Josh. You won’t stop this. If you want to say thank you, yellow roses are Izzy’s favourite.” Stunned. I was ab-so-fucking-lutely stunned.
“So, shall I bring this in then?” the guy had the biggest shit-eating grin across his face.
“Hell yeah, bring it in!” Ryan shouted, barging me out of the doorway and gesturing for him to come inside.
“I er, need to go check something…” I made a run for it, dashing up the stairs and not stopping until I’d locked myself in the bathroom. They don’t need you anymore. You can’t keep them safe anyway, so why are you bothering? They’d be better off without you. Maybe you should tell someone about what’s going on so they can go find a nice family to settle down with instead. They’d be better off. You’re a failure. A waste of space.
I pressed my back to the door, sinking down until I was sitting on the cold, hard floor. I battled to push the negative thoughts away and sent a silent thank you to Izzy and her family. It was awkward, humiliating and mortifying, but I was so bloody grateful for their intervention. Maybe we’d be able to survive a bit longer after all. Maybe I could carry on living.
Chapter 27
Isabel
If you had asked me a year ago if there would ever come a point where I was desperately looking forward to walking through the doors of Gilleford Sixth Form each day, I would have laughed in your face. Like, hysterically. But here I was, hopelessly praying for Monday morning to hurry up and arrive. It was like this every weekend now. Sure, I loved hanging out with Ryan and Georgie on a Sunday, it was like having two little brothers of my own, but I wanted to spend more time with Josh too. I was turning into a bit of an obsessive weirdo actually, I thought about him all the time. When I went to bed, first thing in the morning, on the way to school…
I replayed our kisses over and over, wondering if I should have done something differently. OK, so the first kiss didn’t really count. And the second one, he ended up running off after, so not great either. But I wanted to try again. Unfortunately, I only ever saw him at school, and I was not one of those students who was comfortable with public displays of affection in front of teachers. Unlike Sophie and Jack, who lately were inseparable and didn’t seem to have any problems with PDA at all.
We've fallen into a comfortable routine; he waits for me at the bus stop before school, I walk with him and his brothers to drop Georgie off across the road, and then we walk to classes together. He and Ollie have started sitting with us at all at lunch too, then he walks me back to the bus stop again at the end of the day. I’ve asked him and his brothers over a few times during the week, but he always refuses, saying he feels like he’s taking advantage of my family enough as it is. I'm not sure how he feels about the weekly shopping deliveries from my mum, but he hasn’t mentioned them to me, so I haven’t brought it up either. I know he’s quite a proud person and other than that meltdown, I struggle to get him to open up. It was frustrating, to feel like you talk all the time, but you don’t actually talk about anything substantial. To be honest, I was feeling like I had been friend-zoned and every day it continued, I
felt my heart break a little bit more. But as pathetic as it sounds, I was grateful for any kind of interaction and relationship I could get with him. Even if it was only friendship. He had bigger things on his mind, after all.
“Earth to Izzy! Hello?!” Jess threw a grape at me and it rebounded off, rolling across the common room floor. We were all in our usual spot in the common room before classes started, but I was struggling to stay focused. Jack and Ed were talking about some kind of football game that had happened over the weekend. Ollie was complaining about his mum's new boyfriend as Josh rolled his eyes, whilst Jess and Sophie nattered away. I was floating in and out of the conversations, wrapped up in my own thoughts.
“Sorry! What did you say?”
“I said, what are you doing for Christmas? At home or…?”
“Yeah, we usually spend every year at home, you know how amazing my dad’s cooking is. I’m sure Nanny Steph will join us as usual too. Not sure what my uncle and his wife are doing, but we haven’t seen them much lately, so probably just the four of us.”
“What about you, Josh?” Sophie leaned forward so she could see him.
“Just me and my brothers as usual.”
“What, no other family? What about your dad?” Josh shifted in his seat uncomfortably, his eyes flicking to me as he realised his mistake.
“Well Big...Dad...has to er, work Christmas Day. He gets triple pay, so…” he shrugged.
“You should spend it with us.” What? Did I say that out loud? Josh tilted his head, a small smile playing on his lips as he watched me turn the brightest shade of red. Everyone else swivelled to stare at me.
“I mean, your brothers are practically family now anyway.” Shit, that was the wrong thing to say judging by how Josh’s face fell.
“I mean, er, you should all come over for Christmas Day and you shouldn’t worry about it being weird because they’re over all the time anyway.” Josh’s eyes grew wide, shifting to the rest of the group.
