Exodus

by Stewart , Kate

  “I know that too.” She reads my posture and pleads with me from where she sits. “Please don’t go, Cecelia. Don’t go away like this.”

  I stare down at her and shake my head. “You’ve been lying to me my whole life.”

  “If I would have told you this when you were younger, you only would have subjected yourself to his rejection. He loved you the only way he could, from afar.”

  “It doesn’t make it okay! I treated him horribly. You couldn’t even come clean when he was dying?!”

  “He didn’t want you there.”

  Stunned, I stare at her. “But you were?”

  “I sat by his side and kissed his lips before he passed.”

  “Jesus, Mom!”

  “He didn’t want you there because he didn’t want you feeling guilty because you didn’t deserve to. He didn’t want absolution. He was an absent father. He chose to build his kingdom over the both of us. He was incapable of voicing his feelings or expressing his true emotions. You wouldn’t have gotten the reunion you wanted.”

  “I should have had the choice!”

  “You had a choice. You met the man he was. That was Roman. Let me be clear. There were no deathbed confessions. That’s not who he was.”

  I remember the day he stopped me at the foot of the stairs, his eyes pleading with me to see him past his mistakes. But I’d begged him in that boardroom and got nothing but a whisper of the same look.

  “That house he built,” she rasps out, “it was a daydream we shared when we were our happiest, every last detail of it down to that garden which was meant to be mine. He punished himself by building it, a sordid monument to what could have been.”

  I furiously wipe the tears from my eyes.

  “It’s taken me twenty-six years to forgive myself, Cecelia. And I will serve out the rest of my life only truly loving one man. Don’t get me wrong, I love Timothy, so much, he’s good to me, and I’ve given him all I have left to give, but your father was the love of my life. Whether or not he deserved it. We truly don’t get a choice.”

  “Do you have any idea what keeping this from me has cost me?! Do you even care? Of course, you don’t. You were too busy wallowing when I needed you most. You were selfish. He was selfish.”

  She reaches out and grabs my hand as I glare down at her. “I care. Cecelia, I love you with my heart and soul. I did what I thought was best for you. We both did. You, too, are the love of my life, and I’m sorry I was selfish, and I’m sorry I got sick, but I hope one day you’ll forgive me, that you’ll forgive us both.”

  “I have to go.” I pull my hand away, and she nods, her eyes glossing with fresh tears.

  “Please don’t do what he did, please, Cecelia, don’t shut me out. I can’t lose you too.”

  “You aren’t the only one who’s paid. Don’t you get that?”

  Her brows draw as I shake my head at her utter ignorance. “I’ve paid dearly for your lies, for his mistakes, and I still am.”

  “What do you mean?”

  The decision comes easy.

  “I guess we all have our secrets, Mom.” Stalking off, I make a beeline for my car. It’s when I slam my door I catch sight of her gazing on at me from the side of the house as I tear out of the driveway.

  Urn in my hands, I stand at the edge of the garden and try to imagine what it would have been like to grow up in this house. Images of me running around as my parents sat and watched me play. Posing for pictures with my prom date under the canopy of wisteria as my mother snapped away while Roman eyed him in warning, demanding I be home by curfew. Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning to open presents next to a crackling fire. In my year here, I remember more than once picturing a family here, a happy family, and thinking the house had gone to waste, but that’s precisely what the house represented—the life we could have had.

  “You were the first man to break my heart, and I guess it’s fitting. But you didn’t have to. You didn’t have to punish us both. I came here to collect your fortune, but I would give every dime back for just a few minutes with you. Just to tell you I may not ever understand you fully, but in discovering what you did, I felt like your daughter for the first time in my life.”

  My breath hitches as I remember my dream from last night, a little girl reaching for her father’s hand over and over only to come up empty.

  “But I refuse to be the coward you were. That’s what you taught me. I won’t make your mistakes. I’d rather be reckless and in love than die safe without a real legacy. And it has nothing to do with money or position. I think that’s what you realized. I just wonder when you did.” I crumble a little where I stand. “At least I now know you were capable, and that’s something. But you didn’t build this home in vain. This is the place where I was the happiest I’ve ever been, so I’m sharing it with you.” I open the urn and scatter the ashes in the whipping wind, they catch on a gust and carry for a few feet before disbursing amongst the withered branches of the vines. And for a brief moment, I picture Roman in the fully bloomed garden, mourning the woman he loved and the daughter he abandoned, and with that image, I make peace with the house, haunted by the family that never existed.

  The ground rattles with another coming storm as I make my way toward the grave. I study the headstones next to Dominic’s as I grieve the people I feel I now know, two lives my parents took, creating two orphaned boys who would grow up angry, confused, and set on vengeance. My future lovers, teachers, two men who loved me wholly and sacrificed themselves to keep me safe.

  It’s all wrong—all of it.

  I let myself mourn as I kneel at Dominic’s grave, my hands on the frozen ground.

  Grief engulfs me as I sob out my apologies.

  Dominic’s beautiful face flashes across my thoughts.

  And with the rising of the wind, I swear I feel him, a cool blanket that envelops me as I finally ask the question I’ve never dared to. “Forgive me? Please, forgive us.”

  “Make him happy.”

  “Take care of her.”

  Would he be angry to know neither of us did what he asked, what he wanted? Neither of us honored his sacrifice. Instead, we let his absence be the reason for our demise.

  “Il ne me laisse pas l’aimer. Il ne me laisse pas essayer. Je ne sais pas quoi faire.” He won’t let me love him. He won’t let me try. I don’t know what to do.

  “I’d give anything to go back, to be braver. I was so scared. I was such a coward, and you died. You died…I never got to tell you how much I loved you. How much you meant to me, how much you changed me. How much I respected you. You were so brave, Dominic, and so strong. I was so privileged to know you. To love you. As much as you tried, you were never a forgettable man. I will miss you every day of my life.” I press my hand to my chest.

  “Attends-moi mon amour. Jusqu’à ce que nous nous revoyions. Jusqu’à ce que nous puissions sentir la pluie sur nos deux visages. Il doit y avoir une place pour nous dans la prochaine vie. Je ne veux pas d’un paradis où je ne te vois pas.” Until we meet again. Until we can feel the rain on both our faces. There has to be a time for us in the next life. I don’t want any part of a heaven where I don’t see you.

  At the gate, I glance back at his grave one last time.

  “A bientôt. Merci.” Until then. Thank you.

  I close his office door just as he ends his phone call, his eyes blazing down my body in careful inspection before he darts them away. Guilt.

  He stands and swallows, turning to look out his window. He has a view of the top of the plant and most of Triple Falls. It strikes me then I feel indifferent about him taking my father’s place. In a way, it seems just.

  “I came to you yesterday, and you weren’t there.”

  Did he think I left? From the looks of him, he did. But I don’t let it deter me.

  “We need to talk.”

  He turns to me, sliding his hands in his tailored pants. “Did I hurt you?”

  “You know you didn’t.”

 
He looks back out the window. “I don’t know anything.”

  “I think we both know that’s a lie.”

  He scoffs—silence and tension lingering in the room before he speaks up softly. “Cecelia, I’m sorry. I had no right at all to—”

  “If you’re going to apologize to me, look at me.”

  He hasn’t slept, his jacket and tie are nowhere to be seen, his shirt is wrinkled and unbuttoned. He looks as defeated as I feel. He opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him.

  “I let you because I always have. It was a decision. I wanted it. Maybe I was waiting for it, Jesus, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. I’m leaving.”

  He swallows, and I see the faint dip of his chin.

  Once upon a time, I was a lonely girl who met a lonely king, and we both suffered from too much pride and oh, how the reckless have fallen. Between my romantic notions and his aspirations, we deceived ourselves, and all I feel now is sorrow.

  Sorrow for the three orphans that were left to battle it out for themselves due to their parents’ mistakes.

  And that’s why I’m here, to address the boy inside the man and give him the explanation he rightfully deserves. But how in the hell am I going to convey this to him? Tell him that he built an empire based on a lie? That our lives collided because two people fell in love, and one of them made a mistake, which started a war, a war that has everything to do with me.

  “I have to tell you something.”

  Tobias studies me closely, and I know my face is paling. As much as I resent him, the guilt is riddling me.

  “I…” I shake my head furiously and pull the envelope from my purse.

  “Cecelia.” An order.

  The words burst from my lips. “My mother started the fire that killed your parents. It was an accident. A horrible accident.”

  I watch him carefully for a reaction, and he doesn’t so much as flinch. Instead, his eyes fill with curiosity. “How do you know that?”

  “I found a letter from my mother to Roman.” I hold it out to him. “I went to Georgia yesterday and spoke to her. It’s all here, her confession. It was written a few months before I moved to Triple Falls. This letter is the reason I was here in the first place. It’s the truth, and you deserve it.”

  He lifts the letter and studies it briefly before placing it on his desk.

  “You aren’t going to read it?”

  “No.”

  “Then you should know Roman did it because she was—”

  “I know.”

  I’m shaking so hard it takes me a second to understand his reply.

  “Wait, you what?”

  “I know. Roman told me the day I met him.”

  “The day you met him…you knew?” Anger slashes through me, and I cough incredulously, refusing to shed another tear. “And you didn’t think to share that with me?”

  “It was one of the conditions of our deal.”

  “Your deal?”

  My purse slackens on my shoulder as my posture slumps from the crash of adrenaline. “You son of a bitch,” I rip my eyes away and walk toward his office window, staring out for several seconds while I try to wrap myself around it. “Damn you, I’ve been sick trying to figure out a way to confess this to you.” I turn back to see he’s close.

  “Feel better?” He offers a weak smile.

  “Jesus, Tobias. I didn’t think I could hate you, but…” I fight every surfacing emotion.

  “You should. You should have all along.”

  “But I didn’t.” I feel numb. Close to numb, but he’ll never win in completely desecrating my heart. It’s the one thing I’ve kept despite all the loss, hurt, and betrayal. It’s the one thing my father never allowed himself to give over entirely, and that Tobias battles to keep out of reach from everyone who’s loved him, especially me. But it’s not because he doesn’t love me, it’s because he can’t lose me. I can’t be another casualty in his war with life.

  That’s what broke us.

  History is painfully repeating itself.

  And I saw it the minute it happened, the second he snapped. It was the look on his face when I held his dead brother in my arms. Equivalent to that of Roman seeing a loaded gun pointed at his infant daughter.

  The look he gave me before he walked away from me was one of utter resolution.

  Love will never win with men like Roman and Tobias.

  He would rather lose me in life than risk my death, my blood on his hands.

  It’s the coward’s way out. His resignation to leave his heart out of it. To leave me out of it.

  But I’ll never let mine grow cold despite the damage done or the havoc it’s wreaked. And for that one victory, I’m thankful the blood still runs crimson, still beats faithfully in my chest. I study him carefully and can’t find a single trace of resentment.

  “I don’t understand how you’re so calm.”

  “I’ve had years to deal with it. To put it all in perspective. I don’t have many regrets. I’m still doing what I was meant to do regardless of the reasons it started and—” he lets out a long breath.

  “And?”

  “And the night I met with your father, my war with him ended.”

  “But you still bought his company.”

  “Because the board is full of corrupt pricks who constantly robbed their employees, he was one of them, and it was a good deal.”

  “So, you were never going to tell me?”

  “I knew it could destroy your relationship with your mother.”

  “I’m so fucking lost,” I say hoarsely before I let out a disbelieving laugh. “And with you, I always will be.”

  “That’s why you need to leave, Cecelia. This place has never been good for you.”

  “Stop blaming the place. It’s just a fucking place. It’s the people in my life who’ve deceived me and robbed my sanity. I can’t believe you knew.”

  He leans against his desk, clasping his hands. “Even though your dad was crooked as fuck for covering it up, he didn’t kill them in cold blood. Instead of losing my shit over it, I was glad. I was glad I didn’t have to hate him anymore because it meant I could keep my promise without resenting you for it. Until…”

  “Dominic died.” I can barely hear my own voice. I don’t know how I’ll ever look at my mother the same way. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll disappear on her the way she did me. I’ve suffered horribly because of her secrets. Maybe I’ll punish her for the years I’ve spent in purgatory to make sure she is taken care of. For years after that, I’ve been trying to piece myself back together while she’s lived in luxury with her fucking silence. Maybe I will hold it against her, for the life my father lost covering her mistake, and for the explanation I deserved about his absence.

  Tobias speaks up. “The truth is my parents died in a horrible accidental fire started by a very scared and pregnant teenage girl.”

  “And you forgave her?”

  “I had to. One day maybe you will too.”

  “I don’t know how much forgiveness I have left in me.”

  He silently nods. Even though he looks defeated, there’s a calmness inside him, one I haven’t seen in years.

  “You seem…different.”

  “Seeing you…you coming back here has stirred up shit…shit I’ve been avoiding for too long.”

  “Well I hope you make peace with it, life is short, Dominic taught us that. But my opponent was never invisible.” He keeps his gaze steady on mine. “You were always going to be the one who got the best of me. You knew it, I knew it, and I still fought it. But I’m giving myself a head start by giving you my queen, so, there’s your check.”

  Silence. And I don’t know why I expected anything more.

  “One thing’s for sure,” I say, “no matter how hard I fought it over the years, I am my mother’s daughter.” Confusion flits over his features, and I nod toward the letter. “Read it. It’s the same pathetic shit. I ended up living here all those years ago because my mother had the audacity to try
and come back and win the heart of a man who didn’t love her enough to let her in on his secrets. Who couldn’t forgive her enough for being young and reckless. Who punished her for horrible mistakes he himself helped liberate her from, all the while loving her from afar because he refused to trust her enough to make her own decisions. My father slammed the door in her face. And it ruined her. It’s poetic justice, really.”

  “Cecelia, I’ve never hated you.”

  “Yes, you have, and I can’t afford to care. Loving you is way too expensive, and I’m not paying for it another minute. You’ve stolen enough from me, the rest I let you take, and you can fucking keep it.”

  For once in my life, I’m okay with letting love lose.

  I’ll forever be a foolish romantic, chasing the high, though no high will ever compete with the one I felt with him. It ends here.

  I don’t know how to be both powerful and in love, and that’s my downfall.

  We had our song, and it’s time to take us off pause and let the rest of our story play out. The way it was always going to.

  Meggie fell for a priest. I fell for a prophet. We declared war on their calling and cause, and neither of us won.

  But I’m keeping my love story, not because it included both martyr and sacrifice, or because it’s the story I wanted, it’s because I would never rewrite it. And I would live it all over again just for the chance to sing with him.

  “I’ve finally found my reason to hate you, Tobias.” His eyes snap to mine. “Not because of our past, not because of the way you’ve pushed me away, but because of the way you’re punishing us both—the same way Roman did. Love isn’t an inconvenience, it isn’t a mistake, and the danger makes it all worth it. I walked through fucking fire for you. I survived hell for you. You don’t deserve me. You never deserved me, not at all. But I deserve you. I. Deserve. You. But it’s the king I deserve. It’s the king I want.” I clench my fists. “I loved the bastard I met, the thief that stole me, and the king who claimed me, but I refuse to love the coward. I hate the coward.”