by Shay Savage
“I will be eternally grateful that you caught my eye that day,” he finally said. “So much has changed since then though it has not even been a month. I have longed for war with Edgar for years, and now that it has come, all I can think of is the dread I feel when faced with leaving you here. I expected to be eager for war, but now…”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me to him.
“What is different?” I asked.
“I do not know if I can bear being away from you,” Branford murmured into my neck.
Later that evening, after Branford had filled me with his child-giving seed, he held my body close, and he found that spot on my neck, right underneath my ear, to kiss and suck. With his face still in the space between my head and shoulder, he drifted quickly into sleep. This did not surprise me, for I knew he had not slept much these past few nights.
My mind could not rest even though my body desired it. I felt as though I was trying to memorize the feel of his warm body against me, his hands in my hair, and the slow, steady rhythm of his slumbered breaths. I reached up to touch the side of his rough face and wondered if I should have shaved him the night before since it would be some time before I would have another opportunity.
Some time.
But how long?
How long did a war last? I had no idea when he might return, and I found myself wondering if there was something I should say to my husband. Some words of encouragement or of comfort though I did not have any words to offer. There were words I wished to say—longed to say—but the time did not seem to be right.
“I love you,” I whispered softly as I stroked the side of his face, confident that only the darkness had heard me. Rousing my husband from sleep was quite a task, and I knew my quiet words would not even come close. These were the words that ran through my mind continuously as I thought of how our day would start with Branford leading his army away from the castle and off to war with Hadebrand. Would telling him such words spur on his bravery or cause him distress? What if he thought I only said the words because he was leaving and not because I truly had feelings for him? I remembered well his words when he took me as his wife for the first time—when he said he hoped that someday we would have stronger feelings for each other. Though I was sure he did not yet feel the same way for me, my own feelings became more apparent to me each day.
The hours wore on, and as I took a deep breath, I was no more decided on the matter than I had been at the beginning of the night. I lay my head back on Branford’s chest and closed my eyes though I knew it was too late, and dawn would be upon us before I would find any slumber.
As warm breezes began to rustle through our open windows, I felt Branford stir in his sleep and gently ran my fingers over the side of his rough face. He hummed under his breath, and his head turned to kiss the side of my hand.
“Have you slept at all?” he asked quietly.
“Somewhat,” I said, for I had dozed a little.
He turned his body toward me and pulled me tightly against him. He brushed his fingers slowly up and down my arm. There was still some time before dawn and his departure.
“You must promise me something,” he said into the darkness. “You must take care of yourself for me. I do not know how long I may be away from the castle, but I want to be sure when I return to find you in good health. Perhaps even showing my child in your belly, hmm?”
His smile was impossible not to return as he rolled on top of me and brought us together as one. My arms wrapped tightly around his back as he moved inside of me, but I was far too anxious to relax under his touch and find my release. Branford seemed to sense this and kissed me softly as he poured into me only a few minutes after he started.
He moved his hand up my shoulder to cup my face, and I turned to look at him. He brushed my cheek with his thumb, and his expression was melancholy as he traced the lines of my face.
“Promise me,” he repeated, his voice more earnest than before. “Rest and eat properly. You had almost nothing of your dinner last night.”
“I will try,” I told him. “Will you do the same?”
He continued to look into my eyes for a moment before nodding.
“Battle tends to make for good rest and a hearty appetite.” He tried to smile, but it faltered quickly. I turned my head to lie on his shoulder, and his hand went to my hair, stroking it gently as the sun began to emit an eerie glow in the field outside our window.
“I will worry for your safety,” I admitted.
“I shall be fine, my wife,” he said. “And the castle guard will remain partially intact, so you will not be without protection. Colin will remain as your guard, and I believe Amarra is adjusting well to the pack and will also provide you security.”
This was not something I had considered.
“They could come here?” I whispered.
“I will not allow that,” Branford stated with conviction, “but it is always better to remain cautious.”
I looked at him, intending to press him on the matter, but was interrupted by his mouth on mine, his hands pressed tightly to my back as he kissed me again and again. They were light, quiet kisses, and when he was finished, his gaze bore into mine as he touched my face and hair. I looked closely at him, wondering when I would again feel the touch of his hands in my hair or his lips on my throat.
All too soon, he rose quietly and began to dress as I heated water for his tea and donned a simple dress. I took his arm as we walked in silence to the field where Parnell was already assembled with many men and what appeared to be hundreds of warhorses.
Camden and Sunniva appeared shortly after, and I spotted Ida sitting off to the side of the field and staring at her hands clasped in her lap. She occasionally glanced at Parnell, who was instructing a page on the proper adjustment of a horse’s saddle. Branford released my arm and went to him, speaking quietly with words I could not hear. The men assembled outside the gates were kissing wives and children before mounting their horses and lining up with the rest of the army.
I could not help but wonder which of them were saying their final goodbyes.
All of us stood outside the castle gates. The field was covered with men and horses as far as the eye could see. Black and gold banners were held high in the front of the group, and others held spears, halberds, and maces high into the air as they shouted back and forth to each other in the dim morning light.
Branford and Parnell approached, and Sunniva immediately grabbed Branford and buried her forehead against his chest. He held her tightly and spoke softly into her ear. Ida and Parnell leaned close to one another, their hands clasped tightly together as they just stared into each other’s eyes, not speaking. Sunniva finally released Branford from her grasp and told him to be careful. Camden and Branford clasped each other’s forearms and spoke softly before Camden took Sunniva’s arm and led her away from the scene.
I stood in mute shock, my brain unable to process everything that was happening so quickly. Branford looked into my eyes as he closed the distance between us and placed his hands on my shoulders.
“I will return to you,” he said.
As much as I wished to believe his promise, I knew it was a promise he could not guarantee. I closed my eyes as I felt the back of his hand slide over my face. I could feel the eyes of those in the court who had come to see the knights off to battle as well as the eyes of the knights as they watched our exchange. I wished I had the forethought to have said my goodbyes to him in the privacy of our rooms.
“Please be careful,” I responded. I looked back to his eyes and felt a tear escape from the corner of my eye.
“No…no…Alexandra, do not cry.” His fingertip captured the wetness before he leaned close to kiss the same spot on my cheek.
“I don’t wish to be apart from you,” I said as I leaned against his hand.
“You will be with me,” he said softly. He took my hand and placed it over his heart and over the baldric he wore underneath the links of chainma
il. “Right here with me—always.”
Again, those three words came to my thoughts, and I wanted to say them. Again, I stayed my tongue, knowing this was not the right time. Still, my emotions took over, and I was unable to hold back any longer. I threw myself against his chest, and my tears flowed freely.
Branford held me to him a moment before he pulled my arms from around him, and he forcibly separated our bodies. He touched the side of my face and brushed his lips over mine. When I looked to his eyes, there seemed to be more he wanted to say, but as he parted his lips and licked over them, he said nothing more.
He turned and mounted his horse, calling to his men as they all began to ride through the castle gates. I stared after him, my unwavering gaze at his back until not only Branford but the rest of the company had disappeared from view.
I felt a hand on my arm and turned to find Sunniva beside me, her eyes also full of tears. She pulled both Ida and me close to her, and we all embraced together.
“Be strong for them,” she whispered to us. “Pray for them. It is all we can do now.”
*****
The thoughts and feelings that went through my mind during those first few days were far too convoluted and confusing. I knew of Branford’s desire for war since the first day I came to Silverhelm, and though I had considered in the back of my mind what it might be like, the reality of it was far, far different.
My mind would not stop producing the most horrific of images, usually dealing with a messenger coming to our rooms to inform me of Branford’s demise on the battlefield. Every time the door to our rooms opened, I cringed, sure that this was the time they would tell me of my husband’s death. Thankfully, it was usually either Janet or Samantha, Thomas’ wife, bringing me something to eat, but more often than not, the meal remained untouched.
At one point, my concern had been only for myself, wondering what would become of me if Branford were no more. Now, I did not care. If he fell, whatever happened to me no longer mattered. I could go back to being a handmaid—perhaps to Ida. It would be preferable than to be known only as Sir Branford’s widow.
I lost track of the number of days I simply lay in our bed, trying to stop thoughts of Branford from plaguing my conscious mind. I slept only when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Ida had sat beside me a few times, and I tried to hold conversation with her, but her state was not much better than mine. I feared we were more harmful than helpful to each other
When a messenger finally came to my door, my body went cold as he began to speak.
“Your presence is demanded by Sunniva, Queen of Silverhelm,” he said simply and then left the room.
His words did nothing to ease my sense of dread as I pulled myself from my position on the bed and found Janet waiting to help me dress. I wanted to fight her on the choice of attire, but we both knew if Queen Sunniva was calling for me, I needed to be properly dressed.
“You may go, Janet,” Sunniva said as we entered the grand hall and approached the throne. Camden was not present, nor were there any other members of the court—only Sunniva with Ida standing beside her. “Alexandra, we need to speak.”
I felt my hands begin to tremble, and I found myself unable to look into the queen’s face.
“I know what you are feeling,” she said, “for I have felt it many times before, but you cannot continue as you have been. If you do, I will be forced to send you to another part of the kingdom so your influence does not compromise our people.”
Had I heard her right? Was the queen going to send me away? If I were to be sent to another part of the kingdom, where would I sleep, and with whom would I stay? I thought of the rooms I was in and how many of the items there still carried Branford’s scent or even his very presence.
The very idea of being away from the rooms I shared with my husband was absolutely unendurable.
“Please, my queen.” My voice was barely a whisper. “Please do not send me away. I will do whatever you ask of me…I meant no harm…”
“I realize that, Alexandra.” Queen Sunniva reached out and took my hand. “I do not wish to be cruel, but our people are talking, and they are worried. They need to have confidence in their prince’s army, and how can they feel as such when his own wife is so devastated by the war that she will not leave her rooms?”
“I feel the same as you,” Ida said. “Mother’s already told me the same thing. Knowing Parnell is so far from me…and possibly in danger…It is very tempting to do as you have done and isolate myself, but we cannot do that. Our people need us to show our strength.”
I had not considered it in such a way. I was not used to even the idea of others looking to me for their guidance, and I felt a completely different chill run up my spine. Was I worthy of this station?
For the sake of Branford and the sake of his people, I would have to be worthy.
“Branford expected Amarra to be in your rooms by now,” Sunniva told me. “She was to be included as part of your guard, and yet she is still with the rest of the pack. I do not think Branford would like that news, do you?”
“No, my queen,” I said softly, looking down at my feet and clasping my hands together.
“Alexandra, I am not chastising you,” the queen said. “I am concerned for you and for your health. You are not eating well, and I know your nights are without rest. The messenger keeps inquiring about your well-being at Branford’s request, I’m sure. Thus far, I have kept him from checking on you personally, but it is only a matter of time before Branford demands it. How do you think he would react?”
I closed my eyes for a moment and then nodded. I could not argue with her even if I were so inclined. If Branford came back and found me as I had been only an hour ago, he would be most displeased.
“You have to care of yourself,” Sunniva said. “Not just for your own sake but for Branford’s. You are a part of the royal family now, Alexandra. Your duties lie outside of yourself. One of the things we must do is think of our people first and ourselves second. Do what you must do for the kingdom first, and then you will have the luxury of doing what you wish.”
“Yes, my queen,” I said quietly.
Queen Sunniva stood and stepped up to me.
“None of that now,” she said with a slight smile. “You are my son’s beloved wife, and my title is not necessary when you speak, regardless of the topic.”
I smiled and nodded again. She ran her hand over my hair and stopped at my shoulder.
“He cares very much for you,” Sunniva told me. “Do you realize this?”
“I…I think so,” I replied. “I care for him, too.”
“I can see that.” Sunniva nodded and stepped back. “Now go to the kitchens and eat. You need your nourishment.”
I bowed my head and did as my queen bade me.
After that conversation, I spent my days trying to keep myself together—for the sake of Ida, Sunniva, Janet, and the other people of the kingdom. I ate because I had promised Branford and the queen that I would though it was difficult to eat much. At night, I could not force myself to sleep, and spent much of the time clutching Branford’s pillow to my chest and being only marginally comforted by his scent. Every time I closed my eyes or took a bite from my plate, I could not help but wonder what he was doing at that moment. Was he fighting, his sword drawn high above his head as he charged into the middle of battle? Did he fight from atop his steed or on the ground? What if he were thrown from his horse? What if he were hurt right now as I rested or ate or spoke of mundane things with Janet?
What if he were lying on the field of battle at this very moment, injured…dying…
While I did what? Worked on my sewing?
I was literally disgusted with myself, but I still spent my days smiling and speaking pleasantly with the people around the castle. Each afternoon, I went to check on Branford’s dogs and smiled at the stable boy who made sure they were fed properly.
At night, I let it all come back to me.
I sat in our chair with
Amarra at my side. Janet continued to offer to stay with me through the nights, but as always, I sent her away. Having anyone else in the room only reminded me that Branford was not here. I didn’t even know where he was—still on the road to Hadebrand? Camped somewhere near the border, waiting for the enemy to attack? Or was he—right now—engaged in battle, his life in danger?
A cold shiver ran up my spine.
I had not told him I loved him, and now I wished that I had.
I blinked a few times and realized the fire had nearly gone out, and it was quite late. I had barely slept since he left, and though I was exhausted, I did not try to fool myself into believing slumber would come easily to me this night.
I pointed to Amarra’s cushion by the fireplace, and she obediently clambered on and lay down. Tossing a few more logs onto the fire, I stood and walked across the room to the bed. I lay down on my back and stared at the dark ceiling illuminated only by the firelight.
Even his smell had dissipated from the pillows.
He could be dead or dying right now…
I pushed the thoughts from my head and tried to quiet my mind enough to sleep.
*****
The days passed.
In the mornings, I sat in the chair by the fireplace, drank the tea Janet prepared for me, and tried to ready myself for the coming day. I would dress in the finest dresses and go to the grand hall to meet with those in the court. Afterwards, Ida would spend a few hours a day tutoring me. I had learned the sounds of the letters and was starting to read a few simple phrases.
In the afternoons, I worked on my embroidery, often sitting on one of the benches near the marketplace, where many of the people of Silverhelm would stop and speak to me. I smiled for them. I kept conversations pleasant for them, and I felt as if every word that came out of my mouth was a lie.
In the evenings, I would sit in the garden with Janet or sometimes Ida. Janet told me little of her life with Sir Leland, and I could see she did not wish to speak of that time. She did speak of her life in Seacrest before she was sold to Sir Leland and seemed to have fond memories of tending to fields before hardships on the family who took her in necessitated her sale.
